--- description: I’ve posted a lot about the research behind what makes relationships work — and not work. How can you remember what all these studies have... title: How to Have a Great Relationship: 5 Words You Need to Remember image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production --- * [Ideas](/section/ideas/) ## Ideas Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close * [Psychology](/tag/psychology/) ## Psychology Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close # How to Have a Great Relationship: 5 Words You Need to Remember by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Apr 29, 2014 4:01 AM CUT by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Apr 29, 2014 4:01 AM CUT I’ve posted a lot about the research behind [what makes relationships work](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/09/what-6-things-can-improve-your-relationship/ "undefined") — and [not work](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/10/kill-relationships/ "undefined"). How can you remember what all these studies have to say? Just keep the 5 R’s in mind: 1. **Right** 2. **Real** 3. **Rapport** 4. **Relate** 5. **Review** Let’s break them down. ## **Fight Right** You might think it would be great if you could have a relationship with [zero arguing](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/09/how-to-win-every-argument/ "undefined"). But **marriages with no arguments are 35% more likely to divorce.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- Things need to be worked out and you may need to compromise. **Being rigid and resistant to new ideas increases conflict by 38%.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- **Relationships with major disappointments followed by forgiveness are just as stable as ones without major disappointments.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- You can’t not argue and you can’t fight to the death. You need to fight right. **If you stay compassionate and show you care — even in the midst of a screaming match — you have a better shot at happiness.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- ## **Keep It Real** **Do you expect a fairy tale relationship? That’s a prescription for disappointment.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- The modern day equivalent of fairy tales is TV. And as you might expect, **watching too much TV is correlated with unsatisfying relationships.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- It’s all about the bar that’s set for you or the bar you set for yourself. So, as you might imagine, **perfectionism does not make for a happy love life either.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- Be realistic about what you can and should expect from a relationship. And realize that things change. **A third of the time what attracts you to someone isn’t important to you six months later.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- ## **Have Rapport** [Talking, sharing, being open](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/07/conversation-skills/ "undefined") — these are all highly praised, and for good reason. **Couples who communicate are 62% more likely to describe their relationship as happy.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- **Expecting your partner to be a mind reader will just make you miserable. Want something? Ask for it.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- **If you’re still shopping for a partner, look for someone with good social skills who has maintained friendships for a long time.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- **More laughing means less fighting.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- Want your marriage to last more than 30 years? **Just “being married” isn’t enough: you also need to be good friends.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- ## **Relate** [Opposites do not attract](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/04/do-opposites-attract/ "undefined"). Couples that are [similar do much better](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/05/whats-the-key-to-being-liked-and-being-more-i/ "undefined"). **Pairs that lasted longer than five years usually had a number of interests in common.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- **Having similar values offers a huge boost in the ability to communicate.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- **Believe it or not, even having similar** **_fighting styles_** **was a good thing.** It was related to double digit drops in conflict and a double digit increase in satisfaction. Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- ## **Review** Many people are probably reading this, identifying the good things they already do and feeling smug. Sorry, you can’t stop there. Relationships are not a “check the box and you’re done” kind of thing. You need to keep at it, [monitoring and improving](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/09/what-6-things-can-improve-your-relationship/ "undefined"). **Which feelings and improvements matter most? Recent ones.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- Plenty of research shows that conscientiousness is a great quality to have in a spouse or partner. **Having a partner who is consistently reliable often means a healthy relationship with less conflict.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- ## **One More Thing** Never forget that, in the end, [all relationships are about feelings](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/10/kill-relationships/ "undefined"). Especially when fighting, we get caught up in the facts, the details, the words… And what’s funny is little of that ends up mattering. **When surveyed about their arguments, people mentioned feelings and tone ten times as much as the topic of debate.** **25% of people** **_couldn’t even remember what the argument was about_** **— but they** **all** **remembered how it made them feel.** Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- As Maya Angelou once said: **_People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel._** **Join 45K+ readers.** Get a free weekly update via email [here](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD "undefined"). Related posts: [Recipe For A Happy Marriage: The 7 Scientific Secrets](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/recipe-for-a-happy-marriage-2/ "undefined") [How To Have A Happy Family – 7 Tips Backed By Research](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/how-to-have-a-happy-family/ "undefined") [What 10 things should you do every day to improve your life?](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/05/what-10-things-should-you-do-every-day-to-imp/ "undefined") _This piece originally appeared on_ [_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/ "undefined")_._ ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/77954/how-to-have-a-great-relationship/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/77954/how-to-have-a-great-relationship/"},"headline":"How to Have a Great Relationship: 5 Words You Need to Remember","datePublished":"2014-04-29T04:01:28.000Z","dateModified":"2026-04-13T08:54:00.636Z","description":"I’ve posted a lot about the research behind what makes relationships work — and not work. 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