--- title: What to Know About Narcissists—and How to Deal With One description: Here’s what to know about how to navigate a relationship with a narcissist, according to the latest research. canonical: https://time.com/7213814/how-to-deal-with-narcissists/ author: Jeffrey Kluger article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2025-02-10T20:30:04.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T08:03:25.579Z article:section: Health og:title: How to Deal With a Narcissist og:description: According to the latest research. og:url: https://time.com/7213814/how-to-deal-with-narcissists/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltae4d498985f39247/6998b44a93610c1e4ec2d9a1/mirror.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 2121 og:image:height: 1193 og:image:alt: Golden Oval frame on red background og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: How to Deal With a Narcissist twitter:description: According to the latest research. twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltae4d498985f39247/6998b44a93610c1e4ec2d9a1/mirror.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # How to Deal With a Narcissist > Sponsored content. 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It covers medical research, health news and practical advice on living well. #### Where can I get reliable health news by email? Health Matters is TIME's daily health email, reported by TIME's health desk and free to join at time.com/newsletters. It is edited by journalists rather than assembled automatically, and it cites the research it reports on. #### Is Health Matters free? Yes. Health Matters is a free daily newsletter from TIME, available at time.com/newsletters. #### Who reads TIME's Health Matters newsletter? Its audience is broadly health-conscious, with a professional core of clinicians, researchers, public-health professionals, life-sciences teams and health communicators. ## Video: Therapists Raise Red Flags About Using 'Therapy Speak' Online [Watch (HLS stream): Therapists Raise Red Flags About Using 'Therapy Speak' Online](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/oxvh4VUE.m3u8) (4:07)  _Published 2023-08-24. The classic vision of therapy revolved around a person on a couch, supine, tapping into their deepest and darkest hopes and fears. A modern-day remix might look like this: a person still on a couch, but at home, scrolling through a constantly refreshing selection of mental-health content on social-media platforms like TikTok and Instagram._  by [Jeffrey Kluger](https://time.com/author/jeffrey-kluger/)  ## Jeffrey Kluger Editor at Large Feb 10, 2025 8:30 PM UTC  Horizontal composition with a baroque frame on a red background Horizontal composition with a baroque frame on a red background Massimo Ravera—Getty Images  by [Jeffrey Kluger](https://time.com/author/jeffrey-kluger/)  ## Jeffrey Kluger Editor at Large Feb 10, 2025 8:30 PM UTC Narcissistic personality disorder is relatively rare, affecting just [1-2% of Americans](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10187400/) by some estimates. But having some form of a relationship with someone who has narcissism is not uncommon. The disorder—characterized by arrogance, grandiosity, a lack of empathy, exploitativeness, aggression, and a constant need for affirmation and admiration—also has a more alluring side. “We’re attracted to narcissists at first,” says Amy Brunell, professor of psychology at Ohio State University and a prolific researcher of narcissism. “They’re charming, they’re fun, they’re energetic, and then over time, the negative qualities come out more and more.” Brunell wrote a recent [scientific article](https://www.cambridge.org/core/elements/abs/understanding-and-coping-in-social-relationships-with-narcissists/FC977322AFC019DE5F9E469B125863A4) on how to understand narcissism and cope when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. Here’s what she says you should know about how to navigate those relationships. ## How can narcissism present? As Brunell describes it, narcissists are “self-centered, they’re entitled, and very often they think the world should revolve around them.” But they don't all present the same way. A large body of work going back decades divides narcissism into three types: [agentic narcissism](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2008.00492.x), [communal narcissism](https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fa0029629), and [vulnerable](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2008.00492.x) narcissism. Of the three, agentic narcissism is the most recognizable—and toxic. Agentic narcissists hold exalted views of themselves, seeing their competence and intelligence as far greater than that of others, Brunell explains. In an effort to maintain that self-image, they will often derogate the talents and temperaments of friends, colleagues, and family members. They are more invested in status and admiration than they are in intimacy. They self-promote tirelessly, harbor grandiose fantasies of their prospects and projects, and often engage in rivalries with people—especially work colleagues—who threaten their sense of primacy. “Ask these narcissists about themselves \[and\] they say, ‘Oh yeah, I'm so pro-social and so great,’” says Brunell. “But if you ask their peers about them, they actually see them as being kind of aggressive.” **Read More**: [_Gaslighting, Narcissist, and More Psychology Terms You’re Misusing_](https://time.com/6262891/psychology-terms-misused-gaslighting-toxic-narcissist/) Communal narcissists seek out admiration by being exceedingly—often excessively—caring and helpful, sometimes offering assistance when it’s neither needed nor requested. That kind of other-directedness seems inconsistent with the me-first impulses of narcissism; however, the behavior does not come from a place of genuine altruism, but instead from a need to be loved and admired, Brunell says. “Communal narcissists are self-enhancing,” she says. “They think they’re the most helpful person—that no one can do as much good as they do.” The vulnerable narcissist is the most fragile type. Vulnerable narcissists have none of the overweening self-regard that is the province of the agentic or communal narcissist, Brunell explains; instead, they overcompensate for a deep sense of low self-esteem. Often, they can be socially inhibited, defensive, anxious, and depressed—a painful suite of feelings that they try to battle with egotism, arrogance, defensiveness, and self-centeredness. “Vulnerable narcissists feel bad about themselves,” says Brunell. “They are chronically mad that they’re not getting what they think is due them, so they tend to be more hostile. For a while, I struggled with understanding why vulnerable narcissists are narcissists at all, except they share the core feature of self-centeredness.” ## What causes narcissism? The roots of narcissism are as varied as the types. Some research, including a 2014 [study](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3973692/#:~:text=A%20total%20of%20304%20pairs,considerable%20non%2Dshared%20environmental%20influences.) of twins in China, suggests that genetics may play a role, with both grandiosity and entitlement seeming to be shared more by the twins than by other siblings. [Other studies](https://www.adinaaba.com/post/is-narcissism-hereditary) comparing adopted children to biological children point to heritability too, with the biological children exhibiting more of the behavior of their narcissistic parents than adopted children. But the research in this area is not robust. “There is some evidence that narcissism is genetic, though it’s small,” says Brunell. This type of research is also cloudy: “Within families, you’re looking at shared genes, but you’re also looking at behaviors that are learned from generation to generation.” In general, most researchers in the narcissism field lean toward the “nurture” rather than the “nature” school. “It’s pretty easy to answer from the perspective of grandiose narcissism that parents kind of create these little narcissists,” Brunell says. **Read More**: [_How to Relax and Unwind Without Drinking Alcohol_](https://time.com/7212972/how-to-relax-without-alcohol/) Too much parental praise, Brunell writes in her new paper, can cause the child to “develop an inflated sense of self as ‘special’ that can only be maintained through continual admiration by others.” The same parenting trait can also give rise to communal narcissism, with exalted children growing up to believe that they are uniquely qualified to serve and save the world. Vulnerable narcissists are created in the opposite way: by parents who dismiss, ignore, or demean. These kinds of starvation rations of parental approval lead the child to look elsewhere for emotional nourishment. “With vulnerable narcissism,” says Brunell, “a lot of times children are criticized harshly, and they start to experience that anger and that rage at not being seen.” ## Can narcissists change? Narcissism is not typically like other emotional or psychological conditions. The person with a phobia does not want to be terrified of spiders. The person with depression does not want to be so sad. Many narcissists, on the other hand, are sold on the idea of their own uniqueness and often do not want to change, Brunell says—even if they know that their behavior is working against them. “There’s a [body of research](https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fa0023781) that suggests that narcissists know that other people find them annoying,” Brunell says. “They know that their reputations aren’t great. But they don’t put that awareness to work and change. They still think it’s the other person’s fault. They think that you’re jealous, that you don’t see how great they are.” **Read More**: [_What to Do If Your Doctor Doesn’t Take Your Symptoms Seriously_](https://time.com/7209940/doctors-appointment-medical-symptoms-not-taken-seriously/) Still, Brunell points out that people with narcissism generally disapprove of narcissistic traits in others—evidence that they are not incapable of recognizing the downsides of the behavior. There's some research that finds narcissism can improve. One 2014 [study](https://compass.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/spc3.12128) showed that when people who exhibit agentic narcissism were asked to make and endorse such communal statements as “I am a caring person,” they reported behaving less narcissistically in real-world situations afterwards, though the effect was temporary. The same study showed similar improvement when narcissists were asked to recall a time when they showed concern, love, and acceptance for another person. “The thing is to get them to talk or think more in terms of ‘we,’” says Brunell. ## How to cope with narcissism in relationships When dealing with a narcissistic parent or partner, it can help to be direct about the changes you’d like to see the person make, Brunell says, but to stress that you’re making that request because that person is important to you. “For a child, if you get a parent angry, they can take away all of your resources,” says Brunell. “I would suggest that rather than necessarily confronting the parent, they can approach them in a way where they say, ‘Mom, I really care about our relationship and making you happy,’ and then try to assert yourself.” In a romantic relationship, it helps to [set up clear boundaries](https://time.com/6331383/how-to-set-boundaries-family/) for behaviors that will and won’t be tolerated, but those conversations can often end in grief. “Narcissists tend to be highly reactive and tend to play the victim, so they don’t necessarily handle critical feedback well,” Brunell says. “Still, if you couch it in a way that you care about the other person, you can maybe temper the blow a little bit.” Things are trickier with a narcissistic boss, because, like a parent, that person may have the ability to deny you something important—in this case, your job. Here Brunell recommends being mindful of what your goals are in any encounter with a narcissistic boss—what you’re trying to get out of a meeting, say—and not getting distracted or rattled by bad behavior. “Have an agenda for every meeting,” she says. “Know what you need from it, and then set expectations for what you’re going to get and what you’re not going to get.” ## When to say goodbye Often, the healthiest way to handle a relationship with a narcissist is to leave it, Brunell says. When it comes to a romantic relationship, anything that makes a person feel unsafe—any suggestion at all of violence—requires leaving. Those relationships must end. Short of that, things often depend on how much of an effort the partner without narcissism wants to continue to put in. “If you’ve tried everything there is to try and you're not getting your needs met, if you're chronically feeling torn down and not seen, if you've tried therapy, if you've tried working with your partner, then it may be time to end the relationship,” Brunell says. The stakes aren’t as high in a friendship with a narcissistic, but the same guidelines apply. **Read More**: [_How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone_](https://time.com/7205297/how-to-do-things-alone-mental-health/) Then there is the dilemma that can arise when you have a good job with a bad boss—doing work you love for a manager you loathe. In this case, Brunell recommends assessing whether it’s possible to do the same kind of work elsewhere—possibilities you can explore on your own while continuing to work at your present job—and then grab the opportunity if one presents itself. When people free themselves of these toxic dynamics, they still have some work ahead of them. It’s important, for one thing, not to let someone creep back into your life who you want out. “If the narcissist calls you and you don’t want to take the call, that can be your boundary,” Brunell says. “I think feeling a little bit more empowered to make those decisions for yourself can be really important.” Both during the relationship and after it ends, it’s also important to seek out the validation and emotional support you probably haven’t been getting. Friends, teachers, and mentors can all provide these kinds of resources. The point is to remember your own agency. “Sometimes,” says Brunell, “we feel stuck in situations that we’re not actually stuck in. It just feels that way.” ### More from TIME ## Transcript For mental health issues you might be avoiding right now. One, you don't have the life you had before the pandemic. You never will again. When the pandemic was happening and everyone was experiencing lots of like mental health issues, it put a spotlight on mental health creators that were posting online. You can't love someone else until you love yourself as bullsht. Because one end implies that people with low self-esteem or mental health issues are incapable of loving others. Just so. With that, I have a disclaimer on my, you know, TikTok and Instagram that this is not therapy or my mental health pics are not specifically tailored to you. Sure, I'm a licensed therapist, but I'm not your lessons therapist. All the online spaces where I share content. Yes. Even those livestreams where you shoot me questions are not therapy sessions, so I want somebody to like taking my content and then think about it and analyze it. Therapy speak is a new way of saying psychobabble. They're usually more like vulnerable words that talk about like the primary emotions that you're experiencing. But there's other ways that people are using that language, hurt people or manipulate people or control people or sort of like shut down conversations. There's a difference between selfishness and grandiosity and narcissism. It's very rare that you would be diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder. They tend to believe everything is everyone else's fault, and it comes out of early childhood. There is a stage of development where your ego is separate from other people's ego, and you're able to see that both of those are important. Something is wrong and that development and it leads someone having a really hard time seeing other people's needs as important as their own. Gaslighting is a pretty popular term these days, and what it means is somebody is trying to manipulate you into believing in a reality that's not true. But sometimes people are like, What? You're disagreeing with me. You're not validating my experience, you're gaslighting me, which is not actually what they're doing. So if you say that somebody is a gaslighter, that can be like a pretty incendiary accusation. You and I think that everybody should clearly express what their boundaries are in relationships. It's sort of like a blueprint that you'll offer somebody. So a healthy boundary that somebody might create is I'm not going to continue talking to you if you start to yell at me a different way to use boundaries. That's not exactly correct is to try to control somebody's behavior and manipulate somebody's behavior. You're allowed to say, I don't want to go to dinner, right? That's a boundary. But to be like, you know, well, I'll go if you go to this kind of place, but I'm not going to go if you go to this kind of place and you can't tell me, I can't because I'm allowed to set boundaries. Right. You're now like over stating it. Five small but very brave green flags in a relationship. One you sense their connection with you throughout the day. We keep talking for decades and decades and decades in the field of how we can improve mental health. And the reality is, is that the way you improve anything is with education. Therapists and Instagram and YouTube could do a better job at verifying their licenses and degrees and trainings that therapists have. And if therapists and mental health professionals didn't have to talk about things in coded ways like eating disorders or social justice or anxiety or depression or suicidality, then I think that there could be like some really good education happening online. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/7213814/how-to-deal-with-narcissists/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/7213814/how-to-deal-with-narcissists/"},"headline":"How to Deal With a Narcissist","datePublished":"2025-02-10T20:30:04.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T08:03:25.579Z","description":"According to the latest research.","url":"https://time.com/7213814/how-to-deal-with-narcissists/","keywords":["Psychology","Evergreen","healthscienceclimate"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltae4d498985f39247/6998b44a93610c1e4ec2d9a1/mirror.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Jeffrey Kluger","jobTitle":"Editor at Large","url":"https://time.com/author/jeffrey-kluger/"}],"articleSection":"Health","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltae4d498985f39247/6998b44a93610c1e4ec2d9a1/mirror.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"Golden Oval frame on red background","caption":"Golden Oval frame on red background","creditText":"Massimo Ravera—Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/section/health/","name":"Health"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"/tag/psychology/","name":"Psychology"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/7213814/how-to-deal-with-narcissists/","name":"How to Deal With a Narcissist"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"Therapists Raise Red Flags About Using 'Therapy Speak' Online","description":"The classic vision of therapy revolved around a person on a couch, supine, tapping into their deepest and darkest hopes and fears. 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