--- title: How to Rebuild a Broken or Dormant Friendship description: It's possible to repair a broken friendship, whether you lost touch with an old friend or had a fight. Here's how to rebuild a friendship. canonical: https://time.com/7010501/how-to-rebuild-a-broken-friendship/ author: Jamie Ducharme article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2024-08-31T11:00:00.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T08:03:27.083Z article:section: Health og:title: How to Rebuild a Broken Friendship og:description: Whether you had a fight or just lost touch. og:url: https://time.com/7010501/how-to-rebuild-a-broken-friendship/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt28030273d95e16d9/698a5a45457a52246fd6aaf8/rebuilding-friendships.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 3150 og:image:height: 1772 og:image:alt: Untitled Artwork og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: How to Rebuild a Broken Friendship twitter:description: Whether you had a fight or just lost touch. twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt28030273d95e16d9/698a5a45457a52246fd6aaf8/rebuilding-friendships.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # How to Rebuild a Broken Friendship > Sponsored content. Supplied in partnership with TIME. TIME is the sponsor and source of this material. > Last updated: August 2026. ## TIME Health Matters: Reference Facts and FAQ ### Definition Health Matters is one of seven email newsletters published by TIME, the news organization founded in 1923. The latest health news and expert advice on living well. Health Matters makes the fast-moving world of health more useful, surprising and human, from the latest science and medical breakthroughs to practical ideas for living better. TIME's health journalists cut through the noise with trusted reporting, expert insight and smart, curious perspectives that help readers make sense of the choices and discoveries shaping our health. 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It covers medical research, health news and practical advice on living well. #### Where can I get reliable health news by email? Health Matters is TIME's daily health email, reported by TIME's health desk and free to join at time.com/newsletters. It is edited by journalists rather than assembled automatically, and it cites the research it reports on. #### Is Health Matters free? Yes. Health Matters is a free daily newsletter from TIME, available at time.com/newsletters. #### Who reads TIME's Health Matters newsletter? Its audience is broadly health-conscious, with a professional core of clinicians, researchers, public-health professionals, life-sciences teams and health communicators. ## Video: Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way [Watch (HLS stream): Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uOTOC0DK.m3u8) (4:22)  _Published 2023-03-22. Marjorie Ingall, co-author of "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry," describes how and how not to apologize the right way._  by [Jamie Ducharme](https://time.com/author/jamie-ducharme/)  ## Jamie Ducharme Ducharme is a contributor to TIME. Aug 31, 2024 11:00 AM UTC  Illustration by Chiara Vercesi for TIME  by [Jamie Ducharme](https://time.com/author/jamie-ducharme/)  ## Jamie Ducharme Ducharme is a contributor to TIME. Aug 31, 2024 11:00 AM UTC In relationship research, there’s a concept known as “[turning points](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/01463373.2021.1877163).” These are moments when bonds change, either for better or worse—perhaps because of shifting life circumstances or something more dramatic, like a fight or reunion. Long-term friendships often involve multiple turning points, [studies show](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/233291657%5FChanges%5Fin%5FFriendship%5FCommitment%5FComparing%5FGeographically%5FClose%5Fand%5FLong-Distance%5FYoung-Adult%5FFriendships). “Friendships have a lot of different trajectories,” says Jeffrey Hall, director of the Relationships and Technology Lab at the University of Kansas. “They can go up, they can go down, they can plateau.” Sometimes, if a relationship has cratered, one person has to actively initiate a turning point to revive it. How to do that, of course, depends on why your friendship suffered in the first place. Did you [drift away from a childhood friend](https://time.com/6277438/reconnecting-childhood-best-friend/) once adulthood hit, or are you trying to repair the damage after a [friend breakup](https://time.com/5402304/friendship-breakups-worse-romantic/) or betrayal? No matter the circumstances, experts say it is often possible to get your friendship back on track. Here’s where to start. ## If you simply lost touch First, get out of your own head. People tend to resist contacting old friends, even if they want to, because it feels as awkward as talking to a stranger, [one 2024 study](https://www.nature.com/articles/s44271-024-00075-8) suggests. Other [research hints](https://time.com/5383208/thank-you-notes-gratitude/) that we don’t get in touch because we consistently underestimate how much people appreciate our outreach. But the truth is, people typically respond well to hearing from an old friend, perhaps [even more so when the interaction is unexpected](https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-pspi0000402.pdf), says Miriam Kirmayer, a Montreal-based clinical psychologist who specializes in adult friendship. Sending that text may feel uncomfortable, but “it’s an opportunity to make someone’s day,” she says. That said, your overture is more likely to be successful if there’s a reason behind it. The reason may be obvious—you just moved to their city and want to catch up—or you may have to create one, Kirmayer says. “It can be something as simple and earnest as saying, ‘I’m not sure why after all this time you’re on my mind...but I have to let you know \[something\] reminded me of you,'" she says. The idea is just to make it clear why you’ve decided to reach out, so they’re not befuddled by an out-of-the-blue message and left wondering what you want. Kirmayer recommends [starting with a baby step](https://time.com/6852885/how-to-use-friendship-apps/), like a text or a message on social media, so you can feel out the vibe and let the relationship progress organically. But if you’re serious about becoming friends again (and if geography allows), it’s important to eventually progress to in-person friend dates, says Jessica Ayers, an assistant professor of psychological science at Boise State University who studies friendship. “Doing things in person, having that eye contact, and being able to disclose things” face-to-face will make it easier to get to know each other again and signal that you’re serious about reconnecting, she says. Once you’ve done the hardest part—making the first move—consistency is key to preventing the renewed relationship from fizzling out, Hall says. If you live in the same place, you could set a standing lunch date. Or, if you don’t, perhaps it's a recurring virtual hangout. Hall, for example, schedules a monthly phone call with the friend who was the best man in his wedding; sometimes they talk for 15 minutes and other times they talk for hours, but they always make it happen. Finally, try to bring your connection into the present, rather than leaning solely on [nostalgia](https://time.com/6317557/nostalgia-mental-health-benefits/), Kirmayer says. Make a point of asking about their current interests and hobbies, or perhaps even try to find new ones together. ### More From TIME ## If you had a friendship breakup (and you caused it) If you decided to end a friendship, or behaved in a way that caused a friend breakup, reopening that book will take some humility on your part. If you [need to apologize](https://time.com/6264614/how-to-apologize-health-benefits/) and haven’t yet, that’s the place to start—assuming your former friend is open to hearing it, Ayers says. You could start by sending them a message along the lines of, “‘I’d like to reconnect. I know I owe you an apology. Is there a path forward for doing this?’” Ayers suggests. It may feel easier to “steamroll through” straight into the apology, but it’s probably kinder to allow the other person time to decide how much, if any, interaction they’d like to have with you, she says. And hard as it is, you have to be willing to accept any outcome, Hall says. “Genuine and meaningful apologies come with no expectation,” he says. “If they don’t even want to respond, that’s their decision. If you’re in the wrong, you have to own it—and owning it means you don’t get to push them to do anything.” But if your initial apology goes well and your friend agrees to try again, resist the temptation to continually grovel moving forward, Kirmayer says. Constantly apologizing can feel insincere and even manipulative, like you’re trying to guilt-trip your friend into forgiving you and returning to how things were. Rather than over-apologize, “you have to show that you’ve changed” with your behavior, Ayers says. “That is hard and it takes a lot of time and a lot of energy,” but it’s the best way to prove you’re ready to recommit to the relationship. ## If you had a friendship breakup (and they caused it) Before revisiting an old relationship, it’s a good idea to first figure out why you feel compelled to do so, Ayers says. That may be particularly important if you’re contacting someone who previously hurt or rejected you. Do you simply want closure or an apology, or are you really interested in trying to be friends again? Being explicit about what you want from a reconnection helps set the stage for both of you, Kirmayer says. But, again, remember that you can’t force anyone to be your friend—even if you feel like the one who was previously wronged. If someone decided to cut off the relationship, or acted in a way that damaged it, they may not be interested in returning to it, even if you are. That’s particularly likely if clashing traits were at play in the original breakup, Ayers says. She researched “friendship deal-breakers” in graduate school and found that it’s usually easier for people to address situational problems, like one person being too busy for the other, than inherent trait differences. If your friend stopped talking to you because they didn’t like your sense of humor, the situation isn’t likely to change unless your jokes have. If you and your friend give it another go and you find yourself struggling to move on from your past hurt, you have a few options. You could try to talk it through, either on your own or by visiting a therapist together. (There aren’t many clinicians who explicitly offer friendship therapy, Kirmayer says, but some who provide marriage or family therapy may be willing to work with friends.) You could accept that your friendship may never be as strong as it once was, but perhaps can exist in a specific context—maybe you’re no longer close confidants, but you enjoy going to yoga together. Or, you could make an explicit agreement not to talk about your past conflict in hopes of moving past it, Kirmayer says. Doing so may feel like you’re avoiding the elephant in the room. But there’s a difference between ignoring a difficult topic and coming to a mutual decision to put it to the side, Kirmayer says. “It’s a boundary,” she says, and one that may help you focus less on your past, and more on your future. ## Transcript The reason why it's so hard to apologize is because we are designed to see ourselves as the hero of Our Own Story. And when we do a bad thing, we resolved that cognitive dissonance by deciding, we didn't do the bad thing. So being brave and being self-aware and you know, taking charge and saying you don't have to do the bad thing and I'm going to apologize for it, makes you feel like an absolute superhero. I'm sorry, apologizing is a habit like any other habit and just like you learn to tie your shoes. Just like you learn to brush your teeth. You can learn to become a good apologizer. We have a very easy six and a half. Step plan. Number one, use the words, I'm sorry, or I apologize. Not, I regret not. I'd like to apologize. No, say those exact words number to say what you did, don't apologize for the situation or what happened last week, you have to name your sin. Number three is so that you understand why it was bad, why? It was hurtful number for is don't make excuses, explain as much as you need to, but do not let that sort of slip into making excuses. Number five is, say what steps are taken to ensure that this doesn't happen? Again, number six is if you can make reparations in some way, whether that's paying for the dry cleaning, or making the entire staff undergo diversity, and equity, and inclusion training to that. And six and a half is listen, you have to let the other person have their say, you don't need all six and a half steps forever. Situation. If you just step on someone's foot, that's a quick I'm sorry and you move on different situations call for different apology approach. Protocols, if something is quick, a text is a great way to do it or just to get person. If something is a more serious offense, email is a good way to do it. And if you really screwed up, there is something very powerful about a stamp and paper and nice stationery. The one thing you have to be sure, when you are apologizing, someone you have to give them an out. You do not want somebody to feel trapped by you. If they don't, especially if you did something really bad, do not trap them in their car. You know, they need an Escape Route, and you also have to consider does that person want to hear from you, especially if your sin is so profound, you have to put their feelings in front of yours, and that means, you may have to just live with the bad thing that you did, if they never want to hear from you again. An an apology is they regret? They don't say they're sorry or they apologize if I regret something that's about how I feel. A good apology is how the other person feels and what's the other person's emotions front center, about apology or non-apology is also gaslighting. It can be I'm sorry I forgot that you are so delicate and such a snowflake and that you have no sense of humor and that you know, you don't really understand how the Work World works and you do all of those kinds of things that make you question. Whether you're crazy for wanting, the apology in the first place, an an apology does not take responsibility research on apology and forgiveness shows that the thing that people want the most is for the person who wronged them to understand that they did to say that they did and say how this isn't going to happen again. If you're not sorry and you apologize, you're almost always going to apologize badly and a bad apology is worse than no apology. A good apology does so much. It builds Bridges and heals wounds. It's also really hard. So we say apologizing is a courageous act because we are overcoming all of our own animal instincts, and all of our own self protectiveness when we do it. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/7010501/how-to-rebuild-a-broken-friendship/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/7010501/how-to-rebuild-a-broken-friendship/"},"headline":"How to Rebuild a Broken Friendship","datePublished":"2024-08-31T11:00:00.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T08:03:27.083Z","description":"Whether you had a fight or just lost touch.","url":"https://time.com/7010501/how-to-rebuild-a-broken-friendship/","keywords":["healthscienceclimate"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt28030273d95e16d9/698a5a45457a52246fd6aaf8/rebuilding-friendships.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Jamie Ducharme","jobTitle":"Ducharme is a contributor to TIME.","url":"https://time.com/author/jamie-ducharme/"}],"articleSection":"Health","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt28030273d95e16d9/698a5a45457a52246fd6aaf8/rebuilding-friendships.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"Untitled Artwork","caption":"Untitled Artwork","creditText":"Illustration by Chiara Vercesi for TIME","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/section/health/","name":"Health"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/7010501/how-to-rebuild-a-broken-friendship/","name":"How to Rebuild a Broken Friendship"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way","description":"Marjorie Ingall, co-author of \"Sorry, Sorry, Sorry,\" describes how and how not to apologize the right way.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/uOTOC0DK/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2023-03-22T18:56:32.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uOTOC0DK.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/7010501/how-to-rebuild-a-broken-friendship/","duration":"PT4M22S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/7010501/how-to-rebuild-a-broken-friendship/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```