--- title: How to Say No description: Be intentional about what you communicate, reinforce it with body language, and carry a visual reminder of why it matters. canonical: https://time.com/6332017/how-to-say-no-better/ author: Angela Haupt article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2023-11-16T12:00:00.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:48:49.091Z article:section: Health og:title: Yes, You Can Get Better at Saying No og:description: Be intentional about what you communicate, and carry a visual reminder of why it matters. og:url: https://time.com/6332017/how-to-say-no-better/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt759e2e51397e4536/698a425d4ee262964231bf5a/SayingNo.png?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 1800 og:image:height: 1013 og:image:alt: Saying No og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: Yes, You Can Get Better at Saying No twitter:description: Be intentional about what you communicate, and carry a visual reminder of why it matters. twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt759e2e51397e4536/698a425d4ee262964231bf5a/SayingNo.png?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # Yes, You Can Get Better at Saying No > Sponsored content. 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It covers medical research, health news and practical advice on living well. #### Where can I get reliable health news by email? Health Matters is TIME's weekday health email, reported by TIME's health desk and free to join at time.com/newsletters. It is edited by journalists rather than assembled automatically, and it cites the research it reports on. #### Is Health Matters free? Yes. Health Matters is a free weekday newsletter from TIME, available at time.com/newsletters. #### Who reads TIME's Health Matters newsletter? Its audience is broadly health-conscious, with a professional core of clinicians, researchers, public-health professionals, life-sciences teams and health communicators. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-health-2026q3/newsletters?i=c71f6ab6-eed7-469d-a917-67e3bc3e2db2&cr=time-nl-health-2026q3-v1) ## Video: Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way [Watch (HLS stream): Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uOTOC0DK.m3u8) (4:22)  _Published 2023-03-22. Marjorie Ingall, co-author of "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry," describes how and how not to apologize the right way._  by [Angela Haupt](https://time.com/author/angela-haupt/)  ## Angela Haupt Nov 16, 2023 12:00 PM UTC  Illustrations by Brown Bird Design for TIME  by [Angela Haupt](https://time.com/author/angela-haupt/)  ## Angela Haupt Nov 16, 2023 12:00 PM UTC There’s a common malfunction that occurs when well-intentioned people open their mouths to say no: The word “yes” tumbles out instead. We’ve all been there, says Vanessa Bohns, department chair and professor of organizational behavior at Cornell University. No is a deceptively short, simple word that can trigger several layers of anxiety for the person trying to say it. For starters: What does it reveal about our character? “We worry that we’re essentially communicating that we’re not a helpful person; we’re not a nice, kind person; we’re not a team player,” Bohns says. “We’re too lazy to take something on, or we don’t want to work hard.” At the same time, she adds, we’re likely stressing over how that “no” might offend the other person, and what it conveys about our relationship with them. As Bohns puts it, you might think “it’s telling the person, ‘Your standing with me is not what you thought it was. We’re not actually that close.’” In reality, however, such concerns are often overblown. In fact, there’s an array of benefits associated with learning to say no. “If you’re saying yes to everything, people are more likely to ask you again and again,” says Bohns, who’s the author of [_You Have More Influence Than You Think_](https://www.amazon.com/Have-More-Influence-Than-Think/dp/1324005718). “You wind up being the person who gets all the asks, and that can lead to burnout, problems with work-life balance, feeling like you’re being taken advantage of, and a loss of autonomy.” Plus, an inability to say no could cause priorities such as hobbies, relationships, or projects to suffer. “Each time we say yes to something, we’re implicitly saying no to something else,” Bohns points out. Saying no with conviction begins with having a clear sense of what is and isn’t worth your time. That can become fuzzy, especially given social pressure and the weight of obligation. Gain clarity by utilizing a simple cost-benefit framework, suggests Vanessa Patrick, associate dean for research at the Bauer College of Business at the University of Houston, and author of [_The Power of Saying No_](https://www.amazon.com/Power-Saying-No-Science-Charge/dp/1728251524). Essentially, you’ll weigh the costs of saying yes for you against the benefits for the other person, and then make a judgment. ### More From TIME Some requests, for example, will be easy for you to do and confer great benefit to the asker. Writing letters of recommendation falls into this category for Patrick. “As a professor, it’s relatively easy to do—but the benefit to my students is huge. They could get into the college of their dreams,” she says. Others will require a lot of work on your end, and not mean a great deal to the people on the other side. “I call these ‘bake your famous lasagna’ asks,” she says. Imagine you’re invited to a dinner party, and someone asks you to make a fancy dish that calls for hours of preparation. “Yes, it might be delicious, and it might be something you’re famous for, but it’s going to be on the table with everybody else's store-bought cookies,” she says. It’s not worth the time—so say no with oomph. If that still makes you shudder with dread, remember that practice helps. Experts say these strategies can help you get better at saying no. ## **Be intentional about what you communicate.** You might have heard the tip that “no” is a complete sentence. Sure—but as Bohns points out, leaving it at that is often pretty uncomfortable. Instead, she advises communicating three things: “It’s not because of me, it’s not because of you, and it’s not because of us.” One way to do that is by thanking people for thinking of you—which reassures them that they didn’t do anything wrong by asking. Then, follow-up with a short explanation: “I wish I could, but I just don’t have the time right now.” That helps make it clear that your “no” isn’t a poor reflection of your own character (you _would_ do it); it’s not the other person (you appreciate the ask); and it’s not an indictment of the relationship (it’s simply circumstantial), Bohns says. ## **Have a planned phrase for more casual encounters.** Not every situation, of course, calls for such a thoughtful approach. Think through times when you’ve gotten stressed over delivering a quick “no,” and then brainstorm phrases you could use in the future. Bohns, for example, is often asked to donate to some cause or another as she checks out at the grocery store. She now has a go-to response: “I already donated this year.” “It’s true, and it’s a way of saying, essentially, that I’m still a good person,” she says. Having a planned phrase in mind makes these potentially awkward scenarios much more comfortable. **_Read more:_** [_6 Ways to Set Boundaries at Work—Even When It’s Uncomfortable_](https://time.com/6323105/how-to-set-boundaries-at-work/) ## **Buy time.** If you tend to accidentally say yes whenever you’re put on the spot, find ways to buy time. You might say, for example: “Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you,” Bohns suggests. Or: “Let me check and I’ll respond by email.” That way, you can spend time privately processing the request, making a mindful decision, and if necessary, declining in whatever format is most palatable, whether that’s electronically or in person. ## **Be matter of fact.** Delivery is everything when you’re saying no. Aim to be matter of fact, advises Ellen Hendriksen, a clinical psychologist and author of [_How to Be Yourself_](https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Yourself-Critic-Anxiety/dp/1250161703). That means not over-apologizing or otherwise acting as though you’re doing something wrong. “If we signal that this is no big deal, and we’d like to help but can’t, that sets the tone for a more neutral interaction,” she says. One way to do that: “I counsel students to ask difficult questions in the same tone of voice they would use to order a sandwich,” she says. That strategy can be applied to saying no, too. You can’t help your sister-in-law’s second cousin move into her new apartment? Treat it like you’re ordering a tuna sub, hold the mayo. ## **Adopt the broken-record technique.** There’s always that one guy who won’t take no for an answer. If someone is applying undue pressure, utilize what Hendriksen describes as the broken-record technique. “It’s sticking to your answer—giving the same answer again and again,” she says. “You don’t have to be soulless about it; you can empathize and be polite. But it’s important not to let your no evolve into a ‘maybe’ or an ‘OK, just this once.’” Occasionally, the asker will get irritated, she adds—but usually after two or three times repeating yourself, even the most persistent people will get the message. **_Read more:_**[_8 Rules for Navigating Your Family Text Chain_](https://time.com/6330928/family-text-chains-how-to-navigate/) ## **Reinforce your message with body language.** It’s important to align your body language with what you’re saying verbally. That could mean smiling, leaning forward, or parting with a hug to make it clear that your no is about you and not a rejection of the other person, Patrick says. “It will help you come across much more persuasively in your refusal,” she says. Meanwhile, aim to avoid body language that indicates you’re nervous or vulnerable; for example, by averting eye contact. ## **Carry a visual reminder of why your “no” matters.** If you say yes to that committee at work, or to bringing two dozen cupcakes to book club, what will you miss out on? Bohns suggests carrying an inspirational photo that serves as a reminder. “It could be your dog; it could be your kid,” she says. “It could be some hobby that you love.” Put it near your computer or phone, and when you really don’t want to do something—but feel obligated to say yes—it will give you strength. Pick it up and remember: “If I say yes to this, I’m basically saying no to when my daughter asks me if we have some free time to read a book later.” ## **Ask people questions in a way that allows them to say no.** As you fine-tune your “no” skills, consider making it easier for other people to decline your requests, too. It benefits both parties, Bohns points out: Most of us would prefer to receive one final no than to have someone say yes—only to bail at the last minute. Because it’s difficult for people to say no when they’re put on the spot, especially in face-to-face situations, word your request in a way that allows them time to think about it. When discussing a project with her grad students, for example, she often says: “I think you might like this project, but I don’t want you to feel pressure. Sleep on it, and then shoot me an email.” Bohns’ unpublished research suggests that when making a request, we often say, “You can totally say no.” But the people we’re talking to know that—the problem is they can’t figure out how to say it. One solution, then, is to give them the words to do so. For example, you might put it like this: “If you don’t want to do it, just say you can’t right now.” “Basically give them a phrase that’s acceptable to say back to you,” Bohns says. “Like, ‘Here’s some words I will accept as a no.’ We’ve found that makes people more comfortable.” ## Transcript The reason why it's so hard to apologize is because we are designed to see ourselves as the hero of Our Own Story. And when we do a bad thing, we resolved that cognitive dissonance by deciding, we didn't do the bad thing. So being brave and being self-aware and you know, taking charge and saying you don't have to do the bad thing and I'm going to apologize for it, makes you feel like an absolute superhero. I'm sorry, apologizing is a habit like any other habit and just like you learn to tie your shoes. Just like you learn to brush your teeth. You can learn to become a good apologizer. We have a very easy six and a half. Step plan. Number one, use the words, I'm sorry, or I apologize. Not, I regret not. I'd like to apologize. No, say those exact words number to say what you did, don't apologize for the situation or what happened last week, you have to name your sin. Number three is so that you understand why it was bad, why? It was hurtful number for is don't make excuses, explain as much as you need to, but do not let that sort of slip into making excuses. Number five is, say what steps are taken to ensure that this doesn't happen? Again, number six is if you can make reparations in some way, whether that's paying for the dry cleaning, or making the entire staff undergo diversity, and equity, and inclusion training to that. And six and a half is listen, you have to let the other person have their say, you don't need all six and a half steps forever. Situation. If you just step on someone's foot, that's a quick I'm sorry and you move on different situations call for different apology approach. Protocols, if something is quick, a text is a great way to do it or just to get person. If something is a more serious offense, email is a good way to do it. And if you really screwed up, there is something very powerful about a stamp and paper and nice stationery. The one thing you have to be sure, when you are apologizing, someone you have to give them an out. You do not want somebody to feel trapped by you. If they don't, especially if you did something really bad, do not trap them in their car. You know, they need an Escape Route, and you also have to consider does that person want to hear from you, especially if your sin is so profound, you have to put their feelings in front of yours, and that means, you may have to just live with the bad thing that you did, if they never want to hear from you again. An an apology is they regret? They don't say they're sorry or they apologize if I regret something that's about how I feel. A good apology is how the other person feels and what's the other person's emotions front center, about apology or non-apology is also gaslighting. It can be I'm sorry I forgot that you are so delicate and such a snowflake and that you have no sense of humor and that you know, you don't really understand how the Work World works and you do all of those kinds of things that make you question. Whether you're crazy for wanting, the apology in the first place, an an apology does not take responsibility research on apology and forgiveness shows that the thing that people want the most is for the person who wronged them to understand that they did to say that they did and say how this isn't going to happen again. If you're not sorry and you apologize, you're almost always going to apologize badly and a bad apology is worse than no apology. A good apology does so much. It builds Bridges and heals wounds. It's also really hard. So we say apologizing is a courageous act because we are overcoming all of our own animal instincts, and all of our own self protectiveness when we do it. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/6332017/how-to-say-no-better/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/6332017/how-to-say-no-better/"},"headline":"Yes, You Can Get Better at Saying No","datePublished":"2023-11-16T12:00:00.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T07:48:49.091Z","description":"Be intentional about what you communicate, reinforce it with body language, and carry a visual reminder of why it matters.","url":"https://time.com/6332017/how-to-say-no-better/","keywords":["Psychology","healthscienceclimate"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt759e2e51397e4536/698a425d4ee262964231bf5a/SayingNo.png?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Angela Haupt","jobTitle":"","url":"https://time.com/author/angela-haupt/"}],"articleSection":"Health","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt759e2e51397e4536/698a425d4ee262964231bf5a/SayingNo.png?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"Saying No","caption":"Get better at saying no","creditText":"Illustrations by Brown Bird Design for TIME","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/section/health/","name":"Health"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"/tag/psychology/","name":"Psychology"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/6332017/how-to-say-no-better/","name":"Yes, You Can Get Better at Saying No"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way","description":"Marjorie Ingall, co-author of \"Sorry, Sorry, Sorry,\" describes how and how not to apologize the right way.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/uOTOC0DK/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2023-03-22T18:56:32.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uOTOC0DK.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/6332017/how-to-say-no-better/","duration":"PT4M22S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/6332017/how-to-say-no-better/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```