--- description: 'No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work' authors Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy say how to not stress at work. title: Stressed at Work? Here's How to Feel Better image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt44f406480a223384/6989447616d8845779c348b4/work-stress-rumination-hard-feelings-emotions-book.jpg?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  * [Ideas](/section/ideas/) ## Ideas Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close # Stressed at Work? Here's How to Feel Better ## Video: 6 Ways to Instantly Be a More Positive Person [Watch (HLS stream): 6 Ways to Instantly Be a More Positive Person](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/yRsWbrv8.m3u8) (2:06)  _Published 2018-11-02. Keeping a positive outlook doesn’t always come naturally. But optimism is like a muscle — you just have to train it, says Tchiki Davis, a psychologist and founder of The Berkeley Well-Being Institute._ by [Liz Fosslien](/author/liz-fosslien/) and [Mollie West Duffy](/author/mollie-west-duffy/) Feb 5, 2019 12:00 PM CUT  Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy by [Liz Fosslien](/author/liz-fosslien/) and [Mollie West Duffy](/author/mollie-west-duffy/) Feb 5, 2019 12:00 PM CUT It’s been two days since you asked a coworker to look through your draft, but you haven’t heard anything from him yet. If you find yourself starting to anxiously obsess, thinking, _He thinks I’m dumb_, or _My drafts are always bad and never worth reading_, or _He’s not responding because I’m a horrible employee that’s about to get fired_, your [self-talk](http://time.com/5469946/how-to-deal-with-rejection/ "undefined") has become self-destructive. Nagging thoughts like these are one of the reasons we teamed up and spent the last three years studying the science of emotions — and their intersection with our lives at work — for our new book, [_No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work_](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0525533834/ref=as%5Fli%5Fqf%5Fasin%5Fil%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=time037-20&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=0525533834&linkId=2f3b6c1be64390ef884f75c0a8c367ad "undefined")_._ This obsessive kind of [negative thinking](http://time.com/3944624/negative-thinking-health-problems/ "undefined") is called rumination. It happens when our minds wander towards the negative events in the past or the possibility of negative events in the future. Rumination shouldn’t be confused with healthy reflection, during which we analyze specific elements of a problem to better understand it. When we ruminate, we’re not focusing on _solutions_, [we’re fixating on the problems](https://hbr.org/2017/03/pressure-doesnt-have-to-turn-into-stress "undefined") (or potential problems) themselves. Harvard psychologists [Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert estimate](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21071660 "undefined") that we spend only half of our time focused on the present. Why does that matter? We’re happiest when we live in the moment, no matter what we’re working on. In a study of over 5,000 people, Killingsworth and Gilbert found that a wandering mind is usually an [unhappy](http://time.com/5178352/phone-ruining-dinner/ "undefined") mind. The good news is that you can learn to bring your mind back to the [present](http://time.com/4480438/meditation-make-mind-happier/ "undefined") and stop ruminating. The first step to feeling [better](http://time.com/4761733/yoga-pms-period-cramps/ "undefined") is to notice your cognitive distortions — the dirty tricks your brain plays on you. Psychologist Martin Seligman identified the “three P’s” we tend to focus on after a negative event: * **Personalization:** thinking that the event is all your fault * **Pervasiveness:** thinking that the event is going to ruin every aspect of your life * **Permanence:** thinking you are going to feel like this (e.g. bad) forever Don’t give the P’s a chance! If you find yourself pessimistically obsessing, [reframe your thoughts](https://www.thecut.com/2017/04/become-more-resilient-by-learning-to-take-joy-seriously.html "undefined"). Here are some ideas: * **Personalization:** Instead of immediately thinking _I’m the reason we lost the client_, try to look at what happened more objectively. On any project, issues will come up that are beyond your control. Own up to your mistakes, but don’t needlessly blame everything on yourself. * **Pervasiveness:** If you realize after a meeting you accidentally called a colleague by the wrong name, try not to become consumed with [anxiety](http://time.com/5336639/bo-burnham-eighth-grade/ "undefined"). A tiny mistake is unlikely to start a chain reaction that ends in complete disaster. * **Permanence:** The words “always” and “never” are usually indications your self-reflection has turned [self-destructive](http://time.com/5509932/russian-doll-netflix-review/ "undefined"). Say your boss isn’t happy with a one-pager you created. Instead of thinking _I’ll never be a good designer_, focus on the single event and your ability to do better next time: _This wasn’t my best work_ _but I can learn more skills and improve._ Another way to stop yourself from ruminating is through social distancing. Try to look at your situation through someone else’s eyes. Ask yourself, _What advice would I give to a friend who felt similarly?_ This question forces you to step outside negative thinking [patterns](http://time.com/5322514/stop-procrastinating-tips/ "undefined"). [Stressors](http://time.com/5434826/stress-good-health/ "undefined") fall into two categories: those you can do something about (the Withins) and those beyond your control (the Beyonds). If you’re anxious because of Withins — unanswered emails in your inbox or an impending deadline — the easiest way to feel better is to complete the thing that is stressing you out. As the American painter and writer Walter Anderson has noted: “Nothing diminishes anxiety faster than [action](http://time.com/4721509/how-to-calm-down-quickly/ "undefined").” How do you stop stressing about the things you _can’t_ [control](http://time.com/money/5278131/anxiety-workplace-secret/ "undefined")? First, you have to be diligent about recognizing what you can’t control. If you feel responsible for the Beyonds, you’ll never be able to confidently say you’ve done enough and relax. Here’s how [psychologist Nick Wignall separates](https://medium.com/swlh/how-to-fall-asleep-amazingly-fast-by-worrying-on-purpose-db0078acc6b6 "undefined") the Withins and the Beyonds: every day, he schedules 5 to 15 minutes to write down all his anxieties. He then highlights everything that is 1) an actual problem, 2) urgent (it can be done in the next day or two), and 3) within his control. Nick would _not_ highlight a hypothetical worry like, What if I get sick before the big client meeting next week? He _would_ highlight something like, I forgot to reply to Christine’s email. For each highlighted problem, Nick sets a reminder to [complete](http://time.com/money/4304877/best-time-day-to-work-morning/ "undefined") the next smallest step he can take (e.g. “Respond to Christine’s email tomorrow at 9 a.m.”). Lastly, remember your thoughts are simply that: [thoughts](http://time.com/5113282/how-to-shut-off-brain-and-sleep/ "undefined"). Acknowledge them, but recognize they are not inevitable truths (even if they _feel_ true). We all have many voices in our heads, but we also get to decide which ones we listen to and how we respond. With practice, we can start to develop a mental [immunity](http://time.com/4736054/microbiome-pets-research-immunity-kids/ "undefined") to stress by staying in the present and taking care of the things within our control. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/5518721/work-stress-rumination-emotions-hard-feelings/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/5518721/work-stress-rumination-emotions-hard-feelings/"},"headline":"Stressed at Work? 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