Every year around this time, people dedicate themselves to self-improvement in the 12 months ahead. So, as a break from my usual column, I’d like to read the minds of the luminaries of global politics and share their New Year’s resolutions for 2019:
President Donald Trump: I resolve to win the trade war with China which is CHEATING us, repeal Obamacare, build a big BEAUTIFUL border wall, cut everyone’s taxes, balance the budget FAIRLY QUICKLY, order a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what the HELL is going on, take no vacations, play no golf, tell everyone there was NO COLLUSION, make America GREAT again and lose three pounds. Just like last year!
British Prime Minister Theresa May: This year, I will keep calm and carry on … Oh, who am I kidding? I resolve to take one more shot at this Brexit nonsense and, if it doesn’t work, pass this utterly thankless job to Boris Johnson or Jeremy Corbyn and see how they like it, thank you very much.
French President Emmanuel Macron: I will listen more closely to the desires of my subjects and ensure their government can provide plenty of cake when they are hungry. L’état, c’est Macron!
Chinese President Xi Jinping: In 2019, I resolve to project steady confidence, keep making promises and remain patient until Donald Trump is no longer in my path. I then resolve to proceed as before.
North Korea’s Kim Jong Un: In 2019, I resolve to project steady confidence, keep making promises and remain patient until Donald Trump is no longer in my path. I then resolve to proceed as before. And to take even more selfies with world leaders.
Russian President Vladimir Putin: I will guarantee Ukraine’s elections in March are an event to remember, and promise to use all my discipline and inner strength to avoid laughing at what comes next in the United States, and to find new ways to annoy Washington that are so inventive I surprise even myself.
Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro: This year, I’ll show the world why my family gave me the middle name Messias. I resolve to break corruption, devour criminals, bring dignity back to the office of President and make Brazil great again.
Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman: I will take a deep breath and count to 50 whenever someone says something about me that I don’t like, work really hard to be my best self and to make new friends. In Russia and China, mainly.
Julian Assange: This year, I’ll be a better guest for my hosts in the Ecuadoran embassy in the U.K. I will do all my dishes; clean the cat’s litter box on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays; and keep digging that tunnel in the basement for the moment we all know is coming.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel: I resolve to hide my increasingly obvious glee at the reality that after 2021, I won’t be responsible for solving Europe’s problems and healing all these self-inflicted wounds anymore. Mutti out!
Special counsel Robert Mueller: This year, you can be sure of one thing. I will [REDACTED].
This appears in the January 14, 2019 issue of TIME.