--- title: Looking for Your Soulmate? Here's What to Do Instead description: Relationship experts discuss why looking for your soulmate might be a lost cause and offer insights on what you can do instead. canonical: https://time.com/5425170/stop-trying-to-find-soulmate/ author: Annabel Gutterman article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2018-11-02T17:24:01.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T08:02:22.562Z og:title: Why You Should Stop Trying to Find Your Soulmate—And What to Do Instead og:description: Believing in soulmates can lead to unrealistic expectations, experts say og:url: https://time.com/5425170/stop-trying-to-find-soulmate/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltbd9fc0312c0f7308/69893cc74ee26280fd3131fc/soul-mate-holding-hands.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 3865 og:image:height: 2174 og:image:alt: soul-mate-holding-hands og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: Why You Should Stop Trying to Find Your Soulmate—And What to Do Instead twitter:description: Believing in soulmates can lead to unrealistic expectations, experts say twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltbd9fc0312c0f7308/69893cc74ee26280fd3131fc/soul-mate-holding-hands.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # Why You Should Stop Trying to Find Your Soulmate—And What to Do Instead > Sponsored content. 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Worth Your Time is TIME's culture newsletter, published Tuesdays and Saturdays to 40,000 subscribers as of August 2026. #### Who writes TIME's culture recommendations? Culture editor Eliza Berman writes Worth Your Time, drawing on TIME's critics and culture desk. #### Is Worth Your Time free? Yes. It is a free newsletter available at time.com/newsletters. ## Video: 5 Ways Love Is Good for Your Health [Watch (HLS stream): 5 Ways Love Is Good for Your Health](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/Hs6pBnvc.m3u8) (2:13)  _Published 2018-02-14. If you’re in a relationship, Valentine’s Day may be one of the healthiest days of the year — despite the champagne and chocolate._  by [Annabel Gutterman](https://time.com/author/annabel-gutterman/)  ## Annabel Gutterman Senior Editor Nov 2, 2018 5:24 PM UTC  Getty Images  by [Annabel Gutterman](https://time.com/author/annabel-gutterman/)  ## Annabel Gutterman Senior Editor Nov 2, 2018 5:24 PM UTC Hollywood, romance novels, picture-perfect depictions of relationships on social media: It’s all-too-easy to believe in soulmates. But while nearly two-thirds of American adults believe in them, according to a [2017 Monmouth University poll](https://www.monmouth.edu/polling-institute/reports/MonmouthPoll%5FUS%5F020917/), psychology professor Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. says the term ‘soulmate’ can be dangerous. It can connote perfectionism — and perfection in relationships is essentially unattainable. “If you believe in soulmates, then you are less likely to work through \[problems\] because this person was supposed to be perfect and everything was supposed to be easy,” he says. But being able to confront conflict as a couple is imperative to growing a healthy relationship, he adds. When people are searching for their soulmate, they can end up on a never-ending quest, says Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist based in California. If you believe in soulmates, it’s easy to think that you need someone else to complete you. But a relationship should always be an enhancement, rather than a necessity, she says. Instead of looking for the _one_, start searching for a relationship that is more [realistic, honest and healthy](http://time.com/5321262/science-behind-happy-healthy-relationships/). Here, experts explain how to do it. ## Make a list Jotting down the qualities you’re looking for in someone can help you hone in on the right partner, says Durvasula. Looking for particular qualities instead of a vague idea — like a soulmate — allows you to be more specific about what you want. Try writing down the traits that are most important to you. “It can cause you to take a step back and say ‘is this really me?’ Or ‘is this someone else?'” says Durvasula. The process can become an exercise of self-exploration, she says. Focus more on [personality traits](http://time.com/5398396/personality-types/) and ideologies which generally matter more than factors such as where someone works or what their interests are, she says. Durvasula notes qualities like kindness, compassion, consistency, loyalty and openness as examples of the kinds of traits to jot down. Then, add objective traits — like a person’s ethnicity or religion — to your list if they are integral to your search for a partner, she says. Check back with your list not just once you find a partner, but as your relationship progresses, Lewandowski says. This way you can keep track of how your partner stacks up to the characteristics you were looking for. [_Get the latest career, relationship and wellness advice to enrich your life: sign up for TIME’s Living newsletter._](http://time.com/newsletter-living) ## Observe the relationships around you Looking to those closest to you is the best way to find realistic and honest [relationship goals](http://time.com/4927173/relationships-strategies-studies/), according to Durvasula. “A relationship doesn’t happen on Instagram,” she says. Seek out a variety of real-life couples you know well — friends or family — and ask yourself what qualities you admire in those relationships. Try to pick up on the negatives, too, Lewandowski adds. If you don’t like the way one partner is always putting another down, make a mental note of that. And if you’re close enough with someone — ask the person what makes his or her relationship work (or, if someone is divorced, what ultimately caused it to end). “I think we always want to ask people in happy relationships, but the real gold is in the people whose relationships ended at high stakes,” says Durvasula. Lewandowski says that figuring out ways to emulate the positives and [avoid some of the negatives](http://time.com/5349927/codependent-relationship-signs/) can help you realize what you do and don’t want. ## Prioritize yourself Being in a committed, [healthy relationship](http://time.com/collection/guide-to-happiness/4366236/relationship-secrets-research/) starts with [focusing on yourself](http://time.com/5401028/benefits-being-single-experts/). “Sometimes I worry that when a person is on the search for a soulmate they are trying to fill an emptiness inside of them,” says Durvasula. Spending time working on yourself — whether that’s in your career, personal life or simply who you are as a person — can prime you for a relationship, she says, noting that the best time to find someone is when you’re 100% content with who you are. Being with someone else won’t fill that void, no matter how great the person is, she says. Already in a relationship? Focus on growing both individually and as a couple, Lewandowski says. If you love to run, don’t stop signing up for races just because you’re in a relationship — and encourage your partner to follow his or her passions, too. Then, try to participate in activities you enjoy doing together. You want someone who values your growth as an individual and as a couple since both are crucial components of a [healthy partnership](http://time.com/4954251/4-signs-relationship-last/), says Durvasula. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/5425170/stop-trying-to-find-soulmate/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/5425170/stop-trying-to-find-soulmate/"},"headline":"Why You Should Stop Trying to Find Your Soulmate—And What to Do Instead","datePublished":"2018-11-02T17:24:01.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T08:02:22.562Z","description":"Relationship experts discuss why looking for your soulmate might be a lost cause and offer insights on what you can do instead.","url":"https://time.com/5425170/stop-trying-to-find-soulmate/","keywords":["Living","relationships","Love & Relationships"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltbd9fc0312c0f7308/69893cc74ee26280fd3131fc/soul-mate-holding-hands.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Annabel Gutterman","jobTitle":"Senior Editor","url":"https://time.com/author/annabel-gutterman/"}],"articleSection":"","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltbd9fc0312c0f7308/69893cc74ee26280fd3131fc/soul-mate-holding-hands.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"soul-mate-holding-hands","caption":"Two people holding hands","creditText":"Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/tag/time-section-living/","name":"Living"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/5425170/stop-trying-to-find-soulmate/","name":"Why You Should Stop Trying to Find Your Soulmate—And What to Do Instead"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"5 Ways Love Is Good for Your Health","description":"If you’re in a relationship, Valentine’s Day may be one of the healthiest days of the year — despite the champagne and chocolate.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/Hs6pBnvc/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2018-02-14T16:15:00.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/Hs6pBnvc.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/5425170/stop-trying-to-find-soulmate/","duration":"PT2M13S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/5425170/stop-trying-to-find-soulmate/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```