'Hey Ladies!' illustration by Carolyn Bahar.
Carolyn Bahar
May 1, 2018 8:00 AM EDT

To: Ali, Katie, Ashley, Morgan, Gracie, Caitlin, Nicole, Sherri Gold, Helene and Bob Carrington
From: Jen
Date: July 6 at 11:17 a.m.
Subject: PROBLEM 911 ASAP HELP SOS

LADIES, MY MOM’S BFF AND HER HUSBAND WERE ARRESTED FOR CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT INSIDER TRADING. THEY ARE CURRENTLY BEING HELD WITHOUT BAIL AT SOME JAIL SOMEWHERE, I DON’T KNOW.

BUT THAT’S NOT THE ISSUE, THE ISSUE IS THAT MY MOM’S BFF IS/WAS OUR CONNECTION TO OSCAR AND SINCE THE ARREST, ALL OF THE FASHION DESIGNERS ARE DENOUNCING THEIR RELATIONSHIPS WITH HER TO DISTANCE THEMSELVES FROM THE DRAMA.

SO NOW WE WILL NOT GET OUR DRESSES AND THE WEDDING IS 25 WEEKS OUT!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO! WE NEED BACKUP. DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYONE ANYWHERE THAT CAN GET US HIGH-QUALITY RUNWAY-TYPE DRESSES FOR ROUGHLY THE SAME COST?

I AM GONNA START CALLING YOUR EMERGENCY CONTACTS.

BYE,
JEN

'Hey Ladies!' book cover. Courtesy of Abrams
Courtesy of Abrams

To: Katie, Jen, Ashley, Morgan, Gracie, Caitlin, Nicole, Sherri Gold, Helene and Bob Carrington
From: Ali
Date: July 6 at 11:25 a.m.
Subject: Re: PROBLEM 911 ASAP HELP SOS

Hey Ladies!

Omg, Jen, this is so exciting and terrible!!! I’m not sure how to ask this delicately, but was Helene involved at all? If so, should we distance ourselves from your mom right now??

For dresses, should I just go to Barney’s and try to eyeball some dresses and get what I think would look good on everyone?? Off-the-rack is our last option, but at least we can have fallback dresses then. Don’t freak out, Jen!!!! Can everyone PLEASE source some dresses and send me options??! This counts as a family emergency right?? I’m gonna leave work — I can’t even focus right now!!! Can everyone meet me at Saks??

I’m so sorry your mom might go to jail :(

xo,
Ali

To: Ali, Katie, Ashley, Morgan, Gracie, Caitlin, Nicole, Sherri Gold, Helene and Bob Carrington
From: Jen
Date: July 6 at 11:52 a.m.
Subject: Re: PROBLEM 911 ASAP HELP SOS

Ladies!! Seriously?! It’s not my mom going to jail, it’s her BFF (and more importantly, her connection to the guy at Oscar de la Renta).

I don’t know what to do. I can meet at Saks in 20. Will you be there? Can everyone meet? Everyone has personal days saved up, right??

Jen

To: Ali, Katie, Jen, Ashley, Gracie, Caitlin, Nicole, Sherri Gold, Helene and Bob Carrington
From: Morgan
Date: July 6 at 11:55 a.m.
Subject: Re: PROBLEM 911 ASAP HELP SOS

Hey Ladies,

This is so terrible!! Helene must be so upset! I don’t know how to really put this but…will we be getting our money back for the Oscar dresses? This is so embarrassing, but I really don’t have an extra $1,100 on me now, between the share house and the wedding expenses and my new juice bar membership — I go so often, it’s so worth it though!

I’m just going to put it out there: I really need to get my money back for the Oscar dress before I can buy a new dress. If I can’t for some reason, then um, I guess I can just sit out being a bridesmaid.

Sorry to do this. Just trying to be truthful here.

Love,
Morgs

To: Morgan
From: Gracie
Date: July 6 at 11:59 a.m.
Subject: Re: PROBLEM 911 ASAP HELP SOS

Morgan,

Good email!!!

Gracie

To: Ali, Katie, Ashley, Morgan, Gracie, Caitlin, Nicole, Sherri Gold, Helene and Bob Carrington
From: Jen
Date: July 6 at 12:09 p.m.
Subject: Re: PROBLEM 911 ASAP HELP SOS

Ladies, I totally get this is an inconvenience of the highest proportions and it sucks. I am trying so hard to keep it together but it feels like a bad omen. I mean, COME ON…this only happens in movies!

I am in Saks, please meet me!!! We can figure this all out later, money-wise.

Jen

To: Ali, Katie, Jen, Ashley, Morgan, Gracie, Caitlin, Sherri Gold, Helene and Bob Carrington
From: Nicole
Date: July 6 at 12:22 p.m.
Subject: Re: PROBLEM 911 ASAP HELP SOS

Hi gals,

I’m at Saks right now. I can’t find the up escalator to the ball gown department but I am sure I will find it soon. Paused in perfumes to write this. I would hate it if Morgan had to drop out.

Drum roll pleeeeeease. Nicole The Runway is happy to step in and save us all from spending too much on the replacement gowns.

Sherri Gold, as you remember from the emails, is helping to set me up with a small seamstress company here in the city to make custom clothing and accessories in addition to renting out my quality closet of vintage Forever 21. I used the investment I got from my uncle to pay for the services and also threw in 15% of my company if we can keep manufacturing rentable wears. Sherri says this is “blue sky” (???) for now, but she also encouraged me to reach out to my network to offer this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to my best friends. I would really love nothing more than to book my first gig as a designer and clothesier (that’s French and I just made it up) for you, Jen. With Jen’s blessing and her mother’s, please visit my showroom on 37th and 7th to get measured and fitted. I am sending along some sketches of designs I think could work, but keep in mind they’re just artist renderings.

I found the escalator! Be up soon!

Nicole

To: Ali, Katie, Jen, Ashley, Morgan, Gracie, Caitlin, Sherri Gold, Helene and Bob Carrington
From: Nicole
Date: July 6 at 12:26 p.m.
Subject: Re: PROBLEM 911 ASAP HELP SOS

Wait, I am in Bloomingdale’s. Hold on.

Nicole

To: Ali, Katie, Ashley, Morgan, Gracie, Caitlin, Nicole, Sherri Gold, Helene and Bob Carrington
From: Jen
Date: July 6 at 1:47 p.m.
Subject: Re: PROBLEM 911 ASAP HELP SOS

Hi Ladies!

Okay, none of you are here, so I’m taking matters into my own hands! I’ve tried on a bunch of bridesmaid dresses at Saks, and I HATE EVERYTHING!!!! Why is this happening to me??!!!!! I am a good person — I don’t understand this!!!!!

I am SO stressed out. I have been keeping this on the DL— but every once in a while, at some point every day I search online for every guy I’ve ever so much as gone to second base with and look up everything about him, and secretly fantasize about meeting him somewhere and having sex with him. Like the really dirty kind. Where there’s no face touching. Or having to hang out with each other’s mothers. Or having to pretend to care about his job or feelings. And sometimes I look at Brad while he sleeps, and while I love him SO much it hurts, I just stare at his face and can’t believe that I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life with this person. And what if I’m settling?? I have so many dreams, and maybe he’s holding me back!

Do you think these feelings are normal?? Are you guys close by?? I’m in the ladies room at Saks outside the dress department. I’m sitting on the floor of stall 4. See you soon.

xo,
Jen

To: Ali, Katie, Jen, Ashley, Morgan, Gracie, Caitlin, Sherri Gold, Helene and Bob Carrington
From: Nicole
Date: July 6 at 3:09 p.m.
Subject: Re: PROBLEM 911 ASAP HELP SOS

You guys,

I made it out of Bloomingdale’s and into Saks and found our girl huddled by some faux fur capes from Zac Posen’s winter line. She is OKAY (thank g-d for waterproof mascara) but a little shaken up. She keeps repeating the words “one man forever?” and sobbing into a Ralph Lauren tennis skirt left behind by another shopper (we had to purchase this, as it was ruined by her bronzer).

We also all decided that yes, it would be best for Nicole The Runway to take over the bridesmaids’ dresses. More details on that soon.

Mrs. Carrington, perhaps we should do a call with you and me and Sherri Gold, from the emails? Can everyone do 37th and 7th in an hour?

Best and regards,

Nicole the CEO, and the FIXER

Contact us at letters@time.com.

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