Never doubt that The Bachelorette knows how to create drama. Not only did they leave viewers with a serious Fantasy Suite cliffhanger (will Peter be denied the key to the suite or what?) but they are also sending three men into the final round for what may be the first time ever. Rachel met their families, they met her family, and now the men just have to guess what sort of Neil Lane Diamond Ring will look best on her finger, and she just has to make up her mind about which man will have the privilege of proposing on national television. Will Rachel end up with never-been-in-love Eric, the smarmy mama’s boy Bryan, or the too-realistic-to-be-on-reality-TV Peter? The only way to know is to wade through the Men Tell All special and search for clues in the faces of men whose names you can’t really remember (Fred? Adam Jr.? Jonathan?) and those you can (hi, Dean!)
Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:
Lee Gets Grilled
The highlight of The Men Tell All came when Lee’s lying and racism was laid bare thanks to Chris Harrison channeling his inner Oprah. Lee admitted that Kenny never dragged him from a van and just generally owned up to the fact that he was portrayed as a racist jerk, cause he is one in real life, too. The only person who tried to defend him was the guy who came on The Bachelorette after maybe remembering to text his girlfriend that it was over — DeMario, who himself is indefensible. Josiah joined Chris Harrison on the couch to question Lee, asking him the whopper: Why on earth would he sign up to meet the first black Bachelorette if he held racist beliefs? Lee stammered out a very unsatisfactory answer about not liking racism, but being especially bummed that America discovered his racist tweets, as if that was the bigger issue. When he finally got around to denouncing his racist tweets, Dean popped in to ask him why he didn’t do so earlier. Can’t wait for Lee to slink off the television.
Remember Whaboom and Blake?
It requires a bit of mental archaeology to dig up the story of these two chuckleheads, but here goes: Whaboom (Lucas) thought Blake was obsessed with him and Blake proved that by telling Rachel every single annoying thing that Whaboom did, which was a lot of things. Then they both got sent home for being unworthy of anyone’s attention or time. The end. Adam (who?) summed it up with his own clunker, though: “There was so much Whaboom, and it should have been Wha-bye.”
This season kicked off the drama by importing DeMario’s maybe-ex-girlfriend and dropping her off at a group date and introducing her to Rachel. On The Men Tell All, DeMario claimed she was just a side chick and not worth all the drama. Let’s let the producers decide that, eh, DeMario? He had a few lines comparing himself to Bill Clinton and something about how, “By your guys logic, I was dating Beyoncé.” It was all for naught, though, and the only memorable moment came later, when Chris Harrison asked Rachel about DeMario and she casually replied, “Who?”
Wait, Who Said What?
Some guy named Fred had very deep feelings for Rachel. Some guy named Matt, another named Will, and there was a creepy doll stomping around the set, and some genius made the man known solely as the Tickle Monster sit in a chair shaped like a hand. As always though when it comes to these shows, the biggest challenge is remembering who the heck all these well-groomed, suit-wearing, Crossfit-looking guys are. Are name tags really too much to ask for?
They Killed Kenny…With Love
Once it was settled that Lee is a racist jerk who tormented Kenny, it makes you adore the big old lovable wrestler even more. He once again proved he is a big old pro-wrestling teddy bear by crying on camera, forgiving Lee by explaining that the contestant was merely “out of his league”, bringing out his equally adorable daughter, and generally being a perfect human.
Dean Gets A Ticket to Paradise
Dean used The Men Tell All to finally explain why he would agree to a televised reunion with his estranged father. He claims he wanted Rachel to see the “real side of everything” before he slipped a Neil Lane diamond on her finger. While Rachel dumped him right after his father chanted over her, Dean feels good about the whole thing, because it helped him find closure and he doesn’t think he “ever would have expressed the feelings that I had suppressed for so long” without The Bachelorette. This show is magic! Dean has one question for Rachel: Why did she tell him she was falling in love with him and then kick him to the curb? Oh Dean, haven’t you ever seen this show before? Dean and Rachel talk it out, but then Dean realizes he doesn’t really care because he is joining Bachelor in Paradise and hopes to find love among the cast-offs and cast-aways.
Rachel Steps into the Hot Seat
The best part of The Men Tell All (really, the only reason to tune in) is to watch the star face off against 15 of their exes at the same time. That’s some quality television you really don’t get to see very often. Rachel proves she is still the best by offering to teach Lee a few things about black history, shading DeMario, and sticking up for two men that almost made it to the finals, even though no one else can remember their names (Adam and Matt, thanks Google!). “You weren’t brought along that long by accident,” Rachel claims, pretending that she wished America got to know them better, but not regretting kicking them off the show, either.
Next week: The Finale. Maybe.
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