Ideas
July 20, 2017 12:00 PM EDT
Barker is the author of Barking Up The Wrong Tree

They’re asking you for something. And you feel like if you say no, they’re going to hate you. So you’re tempted to say yes, even though you don’t want to. Ever been there? We all have.

But if you say yes, you’re going to be frustrated with yourself. And you’ll likely feel resentful and angry with them… even though you could have just said no.

And research shows this not only creates a cycle of awful feelings, it actually does real damage to your relationships. Yes, being “too nice” can cause legit problems.

From The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome:

So how do you say no without feeling guilty? Experts and research have answers. Let’s get to it…

1) Notice the No’s

Times when you said no and someone got angry stick in your memory like billboards made of neon. But the truth is people say no to requests all the time and suffer no ill consequences. The sea doesn’t turn to blood and frogs don’t fall from the sky. The requester just shrugs and says, “Okay.”

But you forget those all too easily and train your attention on the 0.02% of the time when the other person blew up and stormed away, never to speak to you again.

So watch your interactions and the interactions of others more closely. Notice all the times “no” doesn’t cause any problems and try to develop a more realistic perspective.

From How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty:

And watch how others handle these situations effectively. When you’re polite and empathetic, it’s not all that likely that someone is going to get furious with you.

You want to develop good boundaries. Have an idea of what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not ahead of time so that decisions are easier and you’re not as tempted to cave.

From How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty:

(To learn the morning ritual that will keep you happy all day, click here.)

But this all takes time. And maybe someone is asking you for something unreasonable right now. So what should your default response be so that you don’t give them a knee-jerk “yes” you’ll regret later?

Read more: New Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You Happy

2) Buy Time

“You must respond to requests immediately” is not one of the immutable laws of thermodynamics. (Frankly, I don’t know what the immutable laws of thermodynamics are, but I’m pretty darn sure that ain’t one of them.)

So when you feel pressured for a yes, don’t give the yes — relieve the pressure. Ask for time. This will allow you to calm down and properly evaluate whether you really want to agree or not.

From The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome:

Best way to do this? Memorize two of these phrases and make them your default response to any request:

  • “I need to check my calendar; I’ll get back to you.”
  • “Let me check with my husband/wife/partner to see if we’re free that day.”
  • “I’ve got to think about that; I’ll let you know.”
  • “I’ll have to call you back in a few minutes.”

Don’t turn them into questions. They’re statements. And use a pleasant but assertive tone.

(To learn the 4 scientific secrets that will make you lucky, click here.)

But what if buying time doesn’t cool you down enough to be comfortable giving them a big ol’ “nope”?

3) Have A “Policy”

No, this has nothing to do with insurance. We’re back to the issue of boundaries. When you live by clear principles it’s easier to make decisions and people are more likely to respect your responses.

Also, there’s less chance of someone feeling personally rejected if it’s clear this is a “rule” you live by consistently.

From How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty:

(To learn how to increase your self-esteem, click here.)

But every rule has exceptions. And persistent people will seek to find them by nagging you with why their request is special, unique and covered in glitter.

So how do you deal with people who don’t take no for an answer?

Read more: New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful

4) Be A “Broken Record”

First thing to do is say you can’t help them. The second through seven-hundredth thing to do is repeat the first thing:

Them: “Can you help me bury this body?”

You: “Sorry, I can’t.”

Them: “What if we bury it tomorrow? You available then?”

You: “Sorry, I can’t.”

Them: “I’ll let you use the fancy shovel…”

You: “Sorry, I can’t.”

This exercise teaches you persistence and doesn’t allow people to bargain because you just keep repeating your denial, not responding to their new angles or reasoning.

Don’t get angry or raise your voice. Just calmly repeat yourself until the other person is utterly exhausted.

From The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome:

(To learn the four rituals neuroscience says will make you happy, click here.)

The “broken record” technique is quite powerful with salespeople, but a bit cold for closer relationships. So how do you say no in a way that doesn’t seem uncaring or selfish?

5) Use A “Relational Account”

Wharton professor Adam Grant pulls this method from the research:

So how do you do this? Your response should take the structure of: “If I helped you, I’d be letting others down.” When Adam gets mentoring requests that he needs to say no to, he replies:

(To learn how to deal with a narcissist, click here.)

But what if you don’t want to give a flat no? You want to help but can’t commit to the specifics of what they’re asking for. Here’s what to do…

Read more: How To Get People To Like You: 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior Expert

6) Make A Counteroffer

It’s a worthwhile charity supporting a good cause you believe in…

And they want you to donate $487,000. Um, no way. But I can give you $10…

From The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome:

And you can make a counteroffer to almost any request by offering someone a different resource or the name of someone else who might help.

Again, Wharton professor Adam Grant provides some useful examples:

  • “I’m not qualified to do what you’re asking, but here’s something else.”
  • “This isn’t in my wheelhouse, but I know someone who might be helpful.”

(To learn how to be more assertive, click here.)

Alright, we’re learned a lot. Let’s round it all up and discover the best not-scary way to start practicing these skills so you’ll be able to use them with anyone…

Sum Up

Here’s how to say no without feeling guilty:

  • Notice the no’s: Saying no rarely leads to vendettas or blood feuds. It’s more common and less risky than you think.
  • Buy time: I’m not sure I can summarize this one right now. I’ll get back to you later.
  • Have a “policy”: Sorry, but it’s my policy to never summarize the third point.
  • Be a “broken record”: I can’t summarize this. I can’t summarize this. I can’t summarize this.
  • Use a “relational account”: If I summarized this for you I wouldn’t have time to summarize for others.
  • Make a counteroffer: I can’t summarize this but I can link you to another blog that will.

So using these techniques with loved ones, close friends or your boss might be really scary because the stakes feel so high. So don’t do it. At least at first…

But next time someone bugs you on the street to fill out a survey, or a pushy salesperson goes to work on you, don’t just walk away. This is a low-stakes time for some “no no no” practice.

From When I Say No, I Feel Guilty:

Need any more tips? No?

Wow, you’re getting better at this already.

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This article originally appeared on Barking Up The Wrong Tree

Buy Barker’s book Barking Up The Wrong Tree here

Contact us at letters@time.com.

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