Before The Bachelorette was so rudely interrupted by the NBA Finals, Rachel was mingling at a cocktail party where every man was there for her. However, some Drama ® had erupted and Eric (remember him?) was demanding that Lee, a Nashville singer-songwriter with a questionable Twitter past, never speak his name again. Lee decided to spin it by saying that he wasn’t on the show to make friends, because every season needs one of those guys.
Here’s how the Drama ® continued on The Bachelorette:
Lee snakes some free time with Kenny, Kenny yells at Lee about that, and Dean sums it all up by saying, “I think Lee is kind of an idiot?” Meanwhile, Rachel tells Bryan that he is too good to be true and he says something like, “Welcome to the fairy tale,” which should have disqualified him for ever after, but instead Rachel adjusts her tiara, smiles and kisses the fool. Once Bryan was done casting his magic spell, Rachel catches wind of the Drama ® and is not amused. She cries in an interview talking about the pressure that’s on her as not only the Bachelorette, but the first black Bachelorette and says she feels like she is going to be judged for the decisions she makes. So for the night anyway, she’s done with making decisions and just wants to get the whole thing over with.
The Rose Ceremony
Rachel has had it up to here with these chuckleheads, so she talks to Chris Harrison and cancels the rest of the cocktail party, moving straight into the Rose Ceremony. She gives the first rose to some guy named Will and then to Dean, who totally deserves it. Jonathan the self-professed Tickle Monster gets the next one, followed by front runner Peter. Then she hands them out to some guy named Adam, Eric, Bryan, Matt, Josiah, Jack (okay, really is he new?), and Iggy, and then she calls Kenny’s name and with the last rose of the night, she decides to keep Lee around the house a bit longer. That was clearly a choice by the producers, because DRAMA, but racism is not drama, it’s just racism and shouldn’t be on TV. After that, the Bachelorette packed up her beaus and headed to Hilton Head, South Carolina.
The First One-On-One Date
Rachel knows that Dean was the MVP of the cocktail party, who totally read Lee while flashing his pearly whites. On their first one-on-one date, Rachel and Dean drink some champagne in a field and then hop a ride on the Goodyear blimp like they’re Ice Cube or something. Dean, of course, is terrified of heights and tries to act all manly while piddling in his pull ups. Rachel had no mercy and hopped behind the wheel of the blimp and started dive bombing it while Dean whimpered quietly. Finally, Dean drank enough champagne to get over his nerves and he and Rachel made out in the back of the blimp while muttering about taking their relationship to new heights (ugh, the analogies!). Then they buzz the men back at the hotel, who all turn green with jealousy and gripe that Dean is too young for her. Dean waves at the guys and kisses Rachel. Later, Rachel and Dean sit in a forest lit up like a Christmas tree while Dean opens up (which is very important in Bachelor world) about his his mother passing away until they were both crying. She hands him the rose, because after that she had to. Then they slow dance at a Russell Dickerson concert. Because they had to.
The Group Date
Rachel invites approximately 78 of her suitors on a boat tour around Hilton Head. They drink enough to decide to have a dance off and take all their shirts off, play Titanic, and do a push-up contest. After they drink some more, Rachel announces that she is throwing a spelling bee, judged by children, which is the cruelest and most hilarious thing ever. They are asked to spell words like “caress” and “passion” and “schmuck,” which are not exactly appropriate for children. The judges are asked to put on earmuffs for the R-rated versions like “coitus,” but Josiah won extra points for asking if he could use a word in a sentence and then using the chance to hit on Rachel (no, the word wasn’t “suave” but it should have been.) He won the bee on the word “polyamorous” winning a trophy and some extra attention from Rachel.
The After Party
Peter asks Rachel if she happens to be able to practice law in Wisconsin and she drops some Bachelor lingo by saying that she would move “for the right reasons.” Then they make out. She tells Eric that she likes to come home and watch “ratchet TV” and clean. Then Iggy makes the rookie mistake of spending his free time with Rachel dissing Josiah like he is the sets personal Gossip Girl. Then Lee spent his free time bad mouthing Kenny, calling him “aggressive,” which is pretty coded and gross. Rachel decides to ask Kenny about some of Lee’s accusations and Kenny was upset that he had to pause flirting with Rachel to defend himself from Lee’s scurrilous accusations. “He’s a reptilian piece of garbage,” says Kenny. “He’s an alternative facts piece of garbage.” That sums it up pretty well. Kenny is upset and decides to go talk to Lee about it. Let the Drama ® continue!
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