The Bachelorette Recap: Rachel Saddles Up and Rides Out

6 minute read

Last week, Rachel Lindsay was given definitive proof that one of her suitors, DeMario, was not here for the right reasons. That proof came in the form of DeMario’s very recent girlfriend who he pretended not to know, going so far as to ask Rachel, “Who’s this now?” Rachel sent DeMario packing, but he just couldn’t quit Rachel or the show. The episode ended with DeMario lurking outside the mansion and Rachel saying, “Who’s this now?”

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette, season 13, episode 3:

The Leftover Drama

DeMario has returned to the mansion, because he thinks he was treated unfairly. He made a mistake pretending that he didn’t recognize his girlfriend and has learned a lot and has grown and now wants a chance with Rachel. He tells her about a poem he once read about how you can’t experience pain without joy and he is ready for joy. Rachel manages not to laugh in his face. She’s glad that DeMario wants to move forward, but forward is over there, not with her. The men, who are all helpfully gathered in a semi-circle to watch her yell at DeMario, ask if the big scary man is coming back and Rachel says, “F— no!” and everyone cheers while Chris Harrison smiles beatifically down upon her.

The Cocktail Party

Blake is still determined to be That Guy who wants to spend all his alone time with Rachel talking about another contestant, specifically Whaboom, who should be ignored until he goes away like the living embodiment of an internet troll that he is. Whaboom then tells Rachel that Blake ate a banana while looming over his bed, which Blake denies because he doesn’t eat carbs, which may be the single greatest thing ever said on this show.

The Rose Ceremony: Goes Whaboom!

Before doling out her roses, Rachel tells the men she is only giving flowers to people with whom she can actually see a future. Bryan the kissing chiropractor gets the first rose, followed by Bryce (?) Eric, Anthony who seems to take his style inspiration from Mr. Clean, Jonathan a.k.a. the Tickler, Kenny the Wrestler (“how Kenny say no?”), Will (“Will you accept this rose?” “You know I will!”), Diggy and Iggy, a bunch of guys named Matt, Chad, and Alex, and even the problematic Lee. You know who didn’t get a rose? Whaboom and his arch-rival Blake, who is basically waiting for DJ Khaled to pull him aside and say, “Congratulations, you played yourself.” The producers send them both outside to think about what they’ve done with cameras rolling. They spend some time gesturing wildly at each other and generally looking like idiots, Bryce surprisingly more so than Whaboom.

The Group Date: It’s The Ellen Show Now

Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred head out for a date that Chris Harrison promised could only happen in Los Angeles. It turned out to be a trip to The Ellen DeGeneres Show so Ellen could play wing woman to Rachel. She called out Bryan for kissing and telling, made the men play Never Have I Ever, and had them play Magic Mike, running around the audience begging for dolla dolla bills from the vaguely uncomfortable crowd. Alex was the real crowdpleaser, unabashedly grinding on grandmas and then apologizing for it. So, who is going to start the online petition to replace Chris Harrison with Ellen DeGeneres?

After three men admitted (bragged?) during Never Have I Ever that they had already kissed Rachel, the others made up for lost time at the after party. Fred asks her if it’s okay with her if he kisses her, because all the other guys did and he feels left out. She calls him out for making it awkward, but then he lays one on her and she gives him the boot — and when she goes to send him home, she takes the Date Rose with her making him think his kiss made her fall in love with him. Ouch. Instead, Alex gets the Date Rose for grinding on a grandma at The Ellen Show.

The One-On-One Date: Saddle Up

Rachel invites Anthony to the rodeo — not a Texas style rodeo, but a trip to Rodeo Drive. On horseback. They saddle up and ride their horses down the street and into the stores where the horse drops a load in the Beverly Hills shop and we’re not talking about money. Anthony stays cool in the embarrassing situation, which Rachel appreciates. Later as they dine under the stars while overlooking Los Angeles, she gives him the Date Rose. Then they hit a Bachelorette milestone and awkwardly dance at a private concert.

The Second Group Date: There Will Be Mud

Rachel brought in some back-up for her date—Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis. The women were there to grill the men and to test them to see if they could avoid getting drunk and hitting on anyone beside Rachel. The women (okay, the producers) chose mud wrestling for the activity, so the women don raincoats, the men strip down, and the mud wrestling began. Bryce, a man who may have simply come with the club or just wandered in off the streets, pulled off the victory.

Raven tried to warn Rachel about Eric, so at the after party, Rachel went and gave the Group Date Rose to him. So much for trusting your friends! The most important thing to happen at the party, though, was that Kenny admitted that he had been a Chippendale dancer in Las Vegas and then, of course, the internet dug up the documentation:

The Cocktail Party

Iggy and Lee tell Rachel that this season Eric is playing the role of Feather Ruffler. Rachel goes to confront him and, for better or worse, she tells him specifically who said what about him. Eric then goes back inside the mansion to holler at everyone, while Lee shakes his head and sips his tea, pretending he didn’t stir up all the drama. Next week, the show, the drama, and Rachel’s quest for love continues and hopefully Kenny will come up with a really great excuse to bodyslam Lee and his racist tweets.

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