--- title: The Fallacy of Finding Your One True Love description: "Be open-minded about possibilities" canonical: https://time.com/4632654/how-choose-partner-susan-quilliam/ author: Sarah Begley article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2017-01-12T11:43:19.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-02-23T02:41:10.609Z article:section: Ideas og:title: The Fallacy of Finding Your One True Love og:description: "Be open-minded about possibilities" og:url: https://time.com/4632654/how-choose-partner-susan-quilliam/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt1d70791c08c7cdf4/6988b547fb4eac930e890602/finding-one-true-love.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 2560 og:image:height: 1440 og:image:alt: Serial Killer Conviction Prompts Police To Warn Of Dating App Dangers og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: The Fallacy of Finding Your One True Love twitter:description: "Be open-minded about possibilities" twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt1d70791c08c7cdf4/6988b547fb4eac930e890602/finding-one-true-love.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # The Fallacy of Finding Your One True Love > Sponsored content. 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Leon Neal—Getty Images by [Sarah Begley](https://time.com/author/sarah-begley/) ## Sarah Begley Jan 12, 2017 11:43 AM UTC In an age of swiping right and binge-watching _The Bachelor_, millions of Americans are obsessed with the idea of finding “the one” with whom they will live happily ever after. But in her new book [_How to Choose a Partner_](https://www.panmacmillan.com/authors/susan-quilliam/how-to-choose-a-partner), Susan Quilliam makes the case for putting aside conventional wisdom about romance. Instead of searching for bliss and emotional fireworks, she writes, singles should look for someone who will aid their own self-improvement: “The most important factor is not whether we are currently ecstatic, but whether we are currently growing, and whether we trust that we will grow in the future, and whether we believe our partner is growing too.” In a sense, she adds, it’s a good idea to approach dating like interviewing candidates for a job: “Be open-minded about possibilities, proactive rather than reactive and as flexible as possible about nonessential parameters.” And never forget that some people “are simply happier alone.” ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/4632654/how-choose-partner-susan-quilliam/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/4632654/how-choose-partner-susan-quilliam/"},"headline":"The Fallacy of Finding Your One True Love","datePublished":"2017-01-12T11:43:19.000Z","dateModified":"2026-02-23T02:41:10.609Z","description":"\"Be open-minded about possibilities\"","url":"https://time.com/4632654/how-choose-partner-susan-quilliam/","keywords":["Books"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt1d70791c08c7cdf4/6988b547fb4eac930e890602/finding-one-true-love.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Sarah Begley","jobTitle":null,"url":"https://time.com/author/sarah-begley/"}],"articleSection":"Ideas","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt1d70791c08c7cdf4/6988b547fb4eac930e890602/finding-one-true-love.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"Serial Killer Conviction Prompts Police To Warn Of Dating App Dangers","caption":"Serial Killer Conviction Prompts Police To Warn Of Dating App Dangers","creditText":"Leon Neal—Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/section/ideas/","name":"Ideas"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"/tag/books/","name":"Books"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/4632654/how-choose-partner-susan-quilliam/","name":"The Fallacy of Finding Your One True Love"}}]}] ```