ABC/Veronica Gambini
By Melissa Locker
June 28, 2016

This week on The Bachelorette, Jo Jo’s journey to love takes her to Buenos Aires and she thinks Argentina looks like a great place to fall in love (and she’s not just saying that because the tourism board made her).

She is feeling all sorts of new emotions this week, but luckily well-paid wing man Chris Harrison is there to talk her through it all. Last week, Robby a.k.a. “Mr Premature” told Jo Jo he loved her, which she appreciated, but it also makes her nervous, because who tells someone they love her on their first date? Still, she is determined to encourage the other men to open up so she can silently judge them for it.

Then she asks Chris Harrison, “What happens if I fall in love with two people, just like Ben?” Chris Harrison mutters something about Alanis Morisette and irony.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

First Date: Wells finally admits that he hasn’t kissed Jo Jo yet and all the men shuffle their feet and whistle. Jo Jo apparently plans to change that, because she sends him a date card that says, “Bésame mucho.” When Jo Jo comes to pick him up for the date, Luke asks, “Are you guys gonna kiss today or what?” Jo Jo just says, “That’s funny.” Like he just asked her to pull his finger. She and Wells leave and the minute the door shuts, the men titter like a bunch of ladies at a church potluck. Throughout the date, Jo Jo and Wells take turns interviewing about the fact that they haven’t kissed. They walk the streets, don’t kiss, do some performance art, don’t kiss; strip down to their skivvies for a Fuerza Bruta show (which some of us only know from America’s Next Top Model) and finally kiss. Like, a lot. Then they eat dinner and talk about love. After dinner, Jo Jo decides not to give Wells the Date Rose. This is not unexpected, because Wells is too good for this show and way, way, way too cool for Jo Jo. The men gawk as Wells’s bag is taken away. Jo Jo cries and wanders the streets of Argentina, singing the Evita soundtrack. Then, in a scene that should have been either explained or edited out, Jo Jo goes to a show where it rains indoors and she stands in a crowded room, tears blending with the rain.

The Group Date: To console herself after dumping Wells, Jo Jo invites Luke, Robby, Jordon, James Taylor, and Alex the Marine to cheer her up. They wander the streets of Bueno Aires and make a bad name for American tourists by pretending they are all dating the same woman. Oh wait…. They play soccer, Jordan shows off his abs, and Jo Jo forgets whether Wells ever kissed her or not. James Taylor’s low self-esteem is waning the more he hangs around Jordan and Jordan’s hair and Robby and his hair and Luke and his drawl.

The After Party: Luke makes crazy eyes at Jo Jo, twists her hair in his fingers, and they make out while Jo Jo’s disembodied voice explains they have a real physical connection, in case you’ve gone blind from watching Luke shove his tongue down her throat. When Jo Jo pries Luke off of her, she goes to talk to James Taylor who immediately uses his alone time with Jo Jo to tattle on Jordan for playing cards with different rules and being an entitled jerk with complicated hair. At which point everyone in America screams, Noooooo! like Michael Scott in The Office. Jo Jo realizes there may be a side to Jordan that she doesn’t know, which is a shock as she has known him at least five weeks and should have gotten to know everything about him by now. She goes to talk to Jordan about his ungentlemanly behavior and entitled attitude. Jordan’s defense was that he doesn’t know what entitled means. After talking to Jo Jo, he sits awkwardly next to his ex-friend James Taylor and aggressively spins his wine while Alex and Robby do their best awk-ward faces. James Taylor attempts to justify his Jo-before-bro mentality, but the damage is done. Luke gets the Date Rose, because he was too busy licking her neck to make any drama.

The Two-On-One Date: In a surprise move, Derek and Chase are invited on this season’s second two-on-one date. Jo Jo probably chose them because like The Highlander, there can be only one Fake John Krasinski on this show. For the tango date, Jo Jo dresses like the dancing woman emoji. They dance their way through the awkward threesome and then sit down to a dinner. Jo Jo goes to make out with Derek first and when she’s done, goes to tell Chase that she doesn’t think he likes her as much as she likes him. Then he opens up to her and they make out. She gives him the Date Rose and Fake John Krasinski heads off in a limo to start his career starring in a Magic Mike XXL show based on The Office or something. Chase and Jo Jo go listen to someone sing, “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina” while Derek cries his eyes out in the limo of shame.

The Cocktail Party: Jordan has put on his most serious suit and his most serious hair and wants to have a serious talk with Jo Jo. He tells her that he looked entitled up in the dictionary and he is not entitled. Also he likes her. They make out and when they finish, he announces that he’s glad they can get through “tough stuff like that” and come out the other side. This is just like marriage, right? Alex tells her that he is feeling sorry for himself because he hasn’t gotten any alone time yet. James Taylor feels like he is the only one who is really right for Jo Jo and they share an almost passionate kiss that seems to imply she agrees (don’t tell him she had the same kiss with Luke and Jordan).

The Rose Ceremony: Chase and Luke are already safe, so Robby gets the first rose, followed by Jordan. That’s when Chris Harrison comes to announced the final rose of the night. But she can’t decide and begs Harrison to let her give roses to both men. He relents because she already kicked two men off the show this week and The Bachelorette is occasionally predictable. But, really, she couldn’t get rid of Alex? Proving my point, Alex dismissively calls his rose “a pity rose” and scowls about it.

 

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