--- description: Here are 7 tips from an FBI expert. title: How to Get People to Like You: 7 Ways From an FBI Behavior Expert image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt2fb558a437e9bac2/69887f543c16390aa645c34c/get-people-like-you-fbi-expert-friends.jpg?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  * [motto](/tag/motto/) ## motto Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close # 7 Ways to Get People To Like You From an FBI Behavior Expert by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Feb 26, 2016 7:04 PM CUT  Getty Images by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Feb 26, 2016 7:04 PM CUT Meeting new people can be awkward. What should you say? How can you make a [good impression](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/07/conversation-skills/ "undefined")? How do you [keep a conversation going](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/mastering-the-art-of-conversation/ "undefined")? Research shows [relationships](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/08/what-is-important-in-life/ "undefined") are vital to [happiness](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/09/be-more-successful/ "undefined") and [networking](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/07/networking-tips/ "undefined") is the key to getting jobs and building a [fulfilling career](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/08/fulfilling-career/ "undefined"). **But what’s the best way to build rapport and create trust? Plain and simple, who can explain** [**how to get people to like you**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/how-to-make-people-like-you/ "undefined")**?** [Robin Dreeke](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/rapport-building-skills/ "undefined") can. Robin was head of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program and has studied interpersonal relations for over 27 years. He is the author of the excellent book, [It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0060YIBLK/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0060YIBLK&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=27BZUDCOFWY4BOHM "undefined"). I gave Robin a call to get some answers. (Note that Robin is not speaking for the FBI here, these are his expert insights.) **_Related post:_**[_6 Hostage Negotiation Techniques That Will Get You What You Want_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/hostage-negotiation/ "undefined") **You’re going to learn:** 1. **The #1 secret to clicking with people.** 2. **How to put strangers at ease.** 3. **The thing you do that turns people off the most.** 4. **How to use body language like a pro.** 5. **Some great verbal jiu-jitsu to use on people who try to manipulate you.** And a lot more. Okay, let’s learn something. **1) The Most Important Thing To Do With Anyone You Meet** Robin’s #1 piece of advice: “Seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them.” **Ask questions. Listen. But don’t judge. Nobody — including you — likes to feel judged.** Here’s Robin: --- > “” --- So what should you do when people start spouting crazy talk? Here’s Robin: --- > “” --- You’re not judging, you’re showing interest. And that lets people calmly continue talking about their favorite subject: _themselves_. **Studies show people get more pleasure from talking about themselves than they do from** [**food or money**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/05/what-gives-your-brain-as-much-pleasure-as-foo/ "undefined")**:** --- > “” --- (To learn how FBI hostage negotiators build rapport and trust, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/hostage-negotiation/ "undefined").) So you’ve stopped being Judgy Judgerson and you’re happily validating. Oh, if it were only that easy… What’s the problem here? Your ego. **_Related post:_**[_How To Stop Being Lazy And Get More Done – 5 Expert Tips_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/08/how-to-stop-being-lazy/ "undefined") **2) Suspend Your Ego To Make People Love You** Most of us are just dying to point out how other people are wrong. (Comment sections on the internet are fueled by this, aren’t they?) And it kills rapport. **Want to correct someone? Want to one-up them with your clever little story? Don’t do it.** Here’s Robin: --- > “” --- Contradicting people doesn’t build relationships. [Dale Carnegie](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/01/truth-dale-carnegies-how-win-friends-influence-people/ "undefined") said it many years ago — and [modern neuroscience agrees](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/09/how-to-win-every-argument/ "undefined"). **When people hear things that contradict their beliefs, the logical part of their mind shuts down and their brain prepares to fight.** Via [Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BWVKM68/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00BWVKM68&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- (For more on keeping a conversation fun, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/07/conversation-skills/ "undefined").) So you’ve stopped trying to be clever. But how do you get a reputation as a great listener? **3) How To Be A Good Listener** We’ve all heard that listening skills are vital but nobody explains the right way to do it. What’s the secret? **Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and focus on what they’re saying right now.** **Be curious and ask to hear more about what interests you.** Here’s Robin: --- > “” --- [Research](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/01/how-to-easily-be-more-likable-and-make-people/ "undefined") shows just asking people to tell you more makes you more likable and gets them to want to help you. The basics of [active listening](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/09/what-can-we-learn-from-fbi-hostage-negotiator/ "undefined") are pretty straightforward: 1. **Listen to what they say.** **_Don’t interrupt, disagree or “evaluate.”_** 2. **Nod your head, and make brief acknowledging comments like “yes” and “uh-huh.”** 3. **Without being awkward, repeat back the gist of what they just said, from their frame of reference.** 4. **Inquire. Ask questions that show you’ve been paying attention and that move the discussion forward.** (To learn the listening techniques of FBI hostage negotiators, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/hostage-negotiation/ "undefined").) I know, I know — some people are just boring. You’re not that interested in what they’re saying. So what questions do you ask then, smart guy? **4) The Best Question To Ask People** Life can be tough for everyone: rich or poor, old or young. Everyone. **We all face challenges and we like to talk about them. So that’s what to ask about.** Here’s Robin: --- > “” --- Questions are incredibly powerful. **What’s one of the most potent ways to influence someone? Merely** [**asking for advice**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/04/influence-others/ "undefined")**.** Via [Adam Grant](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/04/interview-wharton-business-school-professor-teaches-approach-give/ "undefined")’s excellent [Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0670026557/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0670026557&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- Twisting your mustache thinking you can use this for nefarious purposes? Wrong, Snidely Whiplash. **It only works** [**when you’re sincere**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/04/influence-others/ "undefined")**.** Via [Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0670026557/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0670026557&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- (For a list of the questions that can create a strong bond in minutes, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/08/is-there-a-shortcut-to-bonding-with-a-romanti/ "undefined").) **_Related post:_** [_New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/09/be-more-successful/ "undefined") But what if you have to approach someone cold? How do you get people who might not want to talk to you to willingly give you their attention? **5) How To Make Strangers Feel At Ease** First thing: **tell them you only have a minute because you’re headed out the door.** Here’s Robin: --- > “” --- [Research](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/04/another-trick-for-increasing-compliance/ "undefined") shows just asking people if now is a good time makes them more likely to comply with requests: --- > “” --- Nobody wants to feel trapped talking to some weirdo. People are [more likely to help](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/04/are-people-more-or-less-helpful-than-you-thin/ "undefined") you than you think, but they need to feel safe and in control. (For more on how to make friends easily, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/how-to-make-friends-easily/ "undefined").) Even if you get all of the above right you can still come off like a shady used car salesman. And that fear stops you from meeting new awesome people. Robin says one of the key reasons people come off as untrustworthy is because their words and their body language [are misaligned](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/rapport-building-skills/ "undefined"). Let’s fix that. **6) The Best Body Language For Building Rapport** You words should be positive, free of ego and judgment — and your [body language](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/10/4-secrets-to-reading-body-language-like-an-ex/ "undefined") (“non-verbals”) needs to match. Here are the things Robin recommends: --- > “” --- Research backs him up. From [Dale Carnegie](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/01/truth-dale-carnegies-how-win-friends-influence-people/ "undefined") to [peer-reviewed studies](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/11/whats-the-easiest-way-to-make-yourself-more-a/ "undefined"), everyone says smiles matter. (In fact, to increase their power, [smile slower](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/09/is-there-an-easy-way-to-improve-your-smile/ "undefined").) It makes us [happier](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/03/can-you-improve-your-mood-just-by-smiling/ "undefined") too. Neuroscience research shows smiling gives the brain as much pleasure as [2000 bars of chocolate — or $25,000](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/08/is-a-smile-as-pleasurable-as-2000-bars-of-cho/ "undefined"). Via [Smile: The Astonishing Powers of a Simple Act](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B006IS4WW0/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B006IS4WW0&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- (To learn how to decode body language and read people like a book, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/10/4-secrets-to-reading-body-language-like-an-ex/ "undefined").) So now you come off as the pleasant person you are, not as a scheming taker. But what do you do when the other person is a scheming taker? **7) How To Deal With Someone You Don’t Trust** The name of this blog is not “_Helpful Tools For Sociopaths_.” I’m not trying to teach you to manipulate others. But what should do you do when you feel someone is using these methods to try and manipulate you? **Don’t be hostile but be direct: ask them what they want. What are their goals in this interaction?** Here’s Robin: --- > “” --- Want to build a connection with someone? Focus on [trust](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/09/should-you-trust-anyone-how-do-you-know-who-t/ "undefined"), not [tricks](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/01/dirty-negotiating-techniques-work/ "undefined"). That’s how you earn [respect](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/09/how-to-get-respect/ "undefined"). Trust is [fragile](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/09/should-you-trust-anyone-how-do-you-know-who-t/ "undefined"). And mistrust is [self-fulfilling](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/is-mistrust-self-fulfilling "undefined"). **_Related post:_** [_This Body Language Makes You Look Like a Leader_](http://time.com/3640682/body-language-leader/?xid=time%5Freadnext "undefined") When you ask people what the most important character trait is, what do they say? [Trustworthiness](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/02/what-quality-do-we-most-desire-in-other-peopl/ "undefined"). --- > “” --- (To learn how to detect lies, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/09/signs-of-lying/ "undefined").) That’s a lot more to digest than “Just be yourself” but far more effective. Let’s round it up and make it something you can start using today. ### You Asked: Your Top 10 Health Questions Answered  You Asked: Are Cleanses Healthy? Potions that claim to clear your body of toxins might sound alluring, but do they deliver? Illustration by Peter Oumanski for TIME  You Asked: Is Eating Dessert Really That Bad For Me? Bad news for sweet-eaters—except if you end your meals with this kind of treat. Illustration by Peter Oumanski for TIME  You Asked: What’s the Best Way to Whiten My Teeth? Yes, teeth whitening actually works—but here's why you have to dish out major bucks to see results. Illustration by Peter Oumanski for TIME  You Asked: Is Meditation Really Worth It? From easing stress to lowering heart disease risk, focusing your mind can do some amazing things for your body. Illustration by Peter Oumanski for TIME  You Asked: What’s the Healthiest Sweetener? Take a taste of the unsettled science of sweeteners. Illustration by Peter Oumanski for TIME  You Asked: Should I Go Paleo? The pros and cons of eating like a caveman. Illustration by Peter Oumanski for TIME  You Asked: Is Cracking Your Knuckles Bad? Here's what really happens to your joints when you snap, crackle and pop. Illustration by Peter Oumanski for TIME  You Asked: Is Running on a Treadmill as Good as Running Outside? You'll fool your body into thinking it's outside with this one small treadmill tweak. Illustration by Peter Oumanski for TIME  You Asked: Does Laughing Have Real Health Benefits? Here's proof that everybody could use a belly laugh. Illustration by Peter Oumanski for TIME  You Asked: What Is My Poo Telling Me? If you listen hard enough, you'll hear all kinds of health stories from #2. Illustration by Peter Oumanski for TIME **Sum Up** Here are Robin’s tips: 1. **The single most important thing is non-judgmental validation. Seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them.** 2. **Suspend your ego. Focus on them.** 3. **Really listen, don’t just wait to talk. Ask them questions; don’t try to come up with stories to impress.** 4. **Ask people about what’s been challenging them.** 5. **Establishing a time constraint early in the conversation can put strangers at ease.** 6. **Smile, chin down, blade your body, palms up, open and upward non-verbals.** 7. **If you think someone is trying to manipulate you, clarify goals. Don’t be hostile or aggressive, but ask them to be straight about what they want.** (For more insights from Robin’s book, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/rapport-building-skills/ "undefined").) Robin’s a fascinating guy and we ended up speaking for over an hour, so the above is just part of what he had to say. To learn more from Robin (including the one type of body language that causes you to screw everything up), join over 130,000 readers and get my free weekly update [here](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD "undefined"). I’ll be sending out an extended interview in my next [weekly email update](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD "undefined"). ### 5 Horrible Habits You Need to Stop Right Now  Do Not Email First Thing in the Morning or Last Thing at Night “The former scrambles your priorities and all your plans for the day and the latter just gives you insomnia,” says Ferriss, who insists “email can wait until 10am” or after you check off at least one substantive to-do list item. Chris Pecoraro—Getty Images  Do Not Agree to Meetings or Calls With No Clear Agenda or End Time “If the desired outcome is defined clearly… and there’s an agenda listing topics–questions to cover–no meeting or call should last more than 30 minutes,” claims Ferriss, so “request them in advance so you can ‘best prepare and make good use of our time together.'” Sam Edwards—Getty Images/Caiaimage  Do Not Check Email Constantly Batch it and check it only periodically at set times (Ferriss goes for twice a day). Your inbox is analogous to a cocaine pellet dispenser, says Ferriss. Don’t be an addict. Tools like strategic use of the auto responder and Boomerang can help. Jetta Productions—Getty Images  Do Not Carry a Digital Leash 24/7 At least one day a week leave you smartphone somewhere where you can’t get easy access to it. If you’re gasping, you’re probably the type of person that most needs to do kick this particular habit. by nacoki ( MEDIA ARC )—Getty Images/Flickr RF  Do Not Let People Ramble Sounds harsh, but it’s necessary, Ferriss believes. “Small talk takes up big time,” he says, so when people start to tell you about their weekends, cut them off politely with something like “I’m in the middle of something, but what’s up?” But be aware, not everyone agrees with this one (and certainly not in every situation), and you may want to pay particularly close attention to norms around chit chat when traveling internationally. Reza Estakhrian—Getty Images **_This piece originally appeared on_** [**_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/how-to-get-people-to-like-you/ "undefined")**_._** ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/4237961/get-people-to-like-you-fbi-behavior-expert-2/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/4237961/get-people-to-like-you-fbi-behavior-expert-2/"},"headline":"7 Ways to Get People To Like You From an FBI Behavior Expert","datePublished":"2016-02-26T19:04:50.000Z","dateModified":"2026-05-11T04:39:20.007Z","description":"It's easier than you think","url":"https://time.com/4237961/get-people-to-like-you-fbi-behavior-expert-2/","keywords":["motto","Psychology","Happiness","Friendship","advice","Evergreen"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt2fb558a437e9bac2/69887f543c16390aa645c34c/get-people-like-you-fbi-expert-friends.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Eric Barker","jobTitle":null,"url":"https://time.com/author/eric-barker/"}],"articleSection":"","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt2fb558a437e9bac2/69887f543c16390aa645c34c/get-people-like-you-fbi-expert-friends.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"get-people-like-you-fbi-expert-friends","caption":"","creditText":"Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/tag/motto/","name":"motto"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/4237961/get-people-to-like-you-fbi-behavior-expert-2/","name":"7 Ways to Get People To Like You From an FBI Behavior Expert"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"Game Changer: Amy Cuddy, Power Poser","description":"Using a few simple tweaks to body language, Harvard researcher Amy Cuddy discovers ways to help people become more powerful","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/ZUGEf6U2/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2012-03-19T13:26:52.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/ZUGEf6U2.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/4237961/get-people-to-like-you-fbi-behavior-expert-2/","duration":"PT5M58S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/4237961/get-people-to-like-you-fbi-behavior-expert-2/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"How to Make Your LinkedIn Profile Irresistible to Recruiters","description":"","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/bYGQX940/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2016-01-27T15:44:35.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/bYGQX940.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/4237961/get-people-to-like-you-fbi-behavior-expert-2/","duration":"PT1M30S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/4237961/get-people-to-like-you-fbi-behavior-expert-2/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```