A few years ago, as I was wrapping the last of more than 100 gifts after midnight on Christmas Eve, I realized my love of the holidays was turning into stress and resentment.
Best Buy is running a television commercial with the line: “When you give tech, people won’t just love it, they’ll love you.” It made me realize that in trying to express my love by finding the perfect gift for each person on my holiday list, I was hoping they would love me.
I decided to stop trying to buy happiness and love by stressing myself out buying, wrapping and delivering gifts that strained my budget and caused sleep-deprivation. When I told my family and friends that I planned to give less so I could enjoy the holidays more, I was surprised to learn that they agreed with me. The arrival of my holiday gifts often triggered feelings of guilt and an obligation to try to reciprocate.
Psychological research indicates being generous makes us happier, but to the extent gift-buying causes stress, it decreases your happiness. Your stress and unhappiness affects the people in your life, especially those who love you most.
The financial cost of gift giving is considerable. The American Research Group reports Americans planned to spend an average of $882 on holiday gifts this year and the National Retail Federation estimates that 20% of total annual retail sales are related to the winter holidays. And for people who charge their gifts and pay off less than their full credit card balance, interest costs can add an extra $150 to $260 a year to the price of their holidays.
Now that I’ve stopped trying to buy other people’s happiness, I give less stuff and try to give more meaningful gifts. Here’s how:
When I stopped trying to express my love by the thoughtfulness and quantity of my gifts, I started enjoying the holidays more. I am inspired by the example of a friend. Last year she gave each grandchild a trip to the store to pick out the winter coat they wanted, and she took the whole family on a trip to Hawaii, which had the added benefit of maximizing her enjoyment of the trip.
To be sure, over-gifting maximizes the happiness of retailers, because they focus on sales and profits. Credit-card issuers cheer the increase in debt as money rolls into their pockets. But it doesn’t necessarily give the recipients as much pleasure as you and they hope, or the long-term happiness of knowing you love and appreciate them.
And it doesn’t buy you love.
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