--- title: How to Be Better at Arguments description: These are the 10 golden rules canonical: https://time.com/4078194/argument-advice/ author: Shane Parrish article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2015-10-20T04:01:36.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T08:03:17.571Z article:section: Ideas og:title: How to Be Better at Arguments og:description: These are the 10 golden rules og:url: https://time.com/4078194/argument-advice/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltbd44fa9416d5c6fb/698868d2a988ca671b6b4db3/two-business-people-talking.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 5120 og:image:height: 2880 og:image:alt: two-business-people-talking og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: How to Be Better at Arguments twitter:description: These are the 10 golden rules twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltbd44fa9416d5c6fb/698868d2a988ca671b6b4db3/two-business-people-talking.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # How to Be Better at Arguments > Sponsored content. 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A paid TIME subscription is separate and available at time.com/subscribe-agent. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-inside-2026q3/newsletters?i=df5993fc-63ac-4b17-9d72-a7a3486a73f0&cr=time-nl-inside-2026q3-v1) ## Video: How Complaining at Work Hurts Your Career [Watch (HLS stream): How Complaining at Work Hurts Your Career](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/BiVS6RWX.m3u8) (2:04)  _Published 2015-08-10. The Science of Motivation: Rick Tamlyn on Complaining at Work_ by [Shane Parrish](https://time.com/author/shane-parrish/) ## Shane Parrish Oct 20, 2015 4:01 AM UTC  Businessmen reviewing and discussing report in conference room Businessmen reviewing and discussing report in conference room Getty Images by [Shane Parrish](https://time.com/author/shane-parrish/) ## Shane Parrish Oct 20, 2015 4:01 AM UTC Arguments are tricky. We spend a lot of our time trying to persuade others. We think that if we show them the facts that we have they will, logically, [reach the same conclusions we did](http://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2011/08/what-we-do-when-someone-disagrees-with-us/). Unfortunately that’s not how it works. When is the last time someone changed _your_ mind this way? Sometimes we don’t want to argue. We’d rather avoid. This doesn’t make the problem go away. In fact the suppressed resentment that builds up can poison a relationship. In his book, [How to Argue](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0132980932/?tag=timecom-20), Jonathan Herring outlines positive ways of understanding and looking at arguments. --- > “” --- We should treat the ability to argue as a skill that needs to be practiced and developed. Arguments, and for that matter discussions, should be about seeing things through the other person’s eyes. They should lead to a better understanding of another person’s view. With that in mind, here are what Herring calls the Ten Golden Rules of Argument. **1\. Be prepared** --- > “” --- Also, Herring advises: “Before starting an argument think carefully about what it is you are arguing about and what it is you want. This may sound obvious. But it’s critically important. What do you really want from this argument? Do you want the other person to just understand your point of view? Or are you seeking a tangible result? If it’s a tangible result, you must ask yourself whether this result you have in mind is realistic and whether it’s obtainable. If it’s not realistic or obtainable, then a verbal battle might damage a valuable relationship.” **2\. When to argue, when to walk away** I’m sure you’ve had an argument before and later felt that it was the wrong time and place. “Knowing when to enter into an argument and when not to is a vital skill.” --- > “” --- **3\. What you say and how you say it** --- > “” --- One clever thing to do here, that shows [you’ve done the work](http://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2013/04/the-work-required-to-have-an-opinion/), is to address the arguments against your position before they arise. **4\. Listen and listen again** --- > “” --- As a general rule, Herring writes, “you should spend more time listening than talking. Aim for listening for 75 percent of the conversation and giving your own arguments 25 percent.” And listening doesn’t mean that you’re thinking about what you’re going to say next. This is often where a lot of arguments, and discussions for that matter, veer off course. If you’re not listening to the other person and addressing their statements, you’ll just keep making your same points over and over. The other person won’t agree with those and the argument quickly becomes frustrating. **5\. Excel at responding to arguments** --- > “” --- There are three main ways to respond to an argument: 1) challenge the facts the other person is using; 2) challenge the conclusions they draw from those facts; and 3) accept the point, but argue the weighting of that point (i.e., other points should be considered above this one.) **6\. Watch out for crafty tricks** --- > “” --- **7\. Develop the skills of arguing in public** --- > “” --- **8\. Be able to argue in writing** --- > “” --- **9\. Be great at resolving deadlock** --- > “” --- **10\. Maintain relationships** --- > “” --- Another approach to end arguments is to simply [ask the other person to explain their thinking](http://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2014/06/winning-an-argument/). [_How to Argue_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0132980932/?tag=timecom-20) goes on to explore putting the rules into practice in particular situations where arguments arise. **_This piece originally appeared on_** [**_Farnam Street_**](https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2014/10/the-ten-golden-rules-of-argument/)**_._** **Join over 60,000 readers and get a free weekly update via email** [**here**](http://www.farnamstreetblog.com/newsletter/)**.** ## Transcript what complaining does to our life and our career is huge. Our life moves in the direction of what we think about, what we talk about to each other primarily. So if we spend a good portion of our day complaining about what's not working, it actually starts to generate more of what's not working. [ MUSIC ] Motivation comes from having a conversation about what do we Create. Rather than the complaining conversation that we have most of our days. Many of use get caught here. Because it's easy to complain with each other, it feels good. As a coach and as a trainer, a motivator. I come along and say let's flip that. Rather than talk about what are you complaining about in your life, what's not working. Lets talk about what's working. Because then all of a sudden your life will start to go in that direction. There's little fibers in the brain, like the neural pathways they're called. And the more we complain, that neural pathways of that complaint actually grows a little bit every time you think about it. Remember the vinyl records? You play that record over and over again in the same groove, what happens it gets stuck in that groove and that's what happens in the brain. So it literally becomes a habit because the chemical nature of the brain says I have a thicker wire over there. I'm going to go there. We don't even notice it. We don't even notice it. So I come along and start to have a person think and really push against that and say stop doing that. Let's flip the conversation What is it you want to create? What is it you want to have in your life? Rather than what's not working in your life. A game to play is literally what are the thoughts that come in and what are you talking about? Catch it and have a little post it. Go okay, that was a negative moment and do a little check mark to negative moment or creative moment. Because I think those are the distinctions. Make two little lists and the end of the day go oh 80 % was spent over there. No wonder. These are very simple tool but it creates consciousness. 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