August 25, 2015 10:52 AM EDT

Jeff Goldblum, a new parent, stopped by Conan on Monday night to demonstrate what parenting as performed by Jeff Goldblum looks like. Disappointingly, his philosophy does not involve bringing your young child to an island full of murderous dinosaurs. It does, however, involve plenty of helpful tips for new parents, particularly those who possess Jeff Goldblum’s nose.

Step one: Name your child after something you like, even if that thing is not technically a name. Do you like something? Great. That is your baby’s name.

“[His name is] Charlie, middle name Ocean,” Goldblum told O’Brien, to what he described as an “audible gasp” from the audience. “It’s a little out there,” admitted O’Brien. “It is, it is. But too out there?” asked Goldblum. “I love the ocean.”

Step two: Keep your child alive and happy using this specific set of verbs. Rearing a newborn is simple. Just change him once or twice and then feel free to sort of wing it from there.

When asked if he was “good” with the baby, Goldblum thoughtfully replied, “I think so…you know, I’ve changed him a couple of times.” He added, quite helpfully, “I nuzzle him, I smell him, I kiss him, I talk to him, I make jokes with him, I sing to him.”

Step three: Attach your child to your face. Food is unnecessary. All a newborn baby needs is a nose—preferably Jeff Goldblum’s nose—to suck ravenously on. However, you must not break Jeff Goldblum character while your baby suckles your nose; keep singing an unintelligible song and making classic Jeff Goldblum faces throughout. See above for (incredibly adorable) specifics.

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