--- title: Advice: How To Be Loved By Everyone description: Don’t be interesting—be interested canonical: https://time.com/3991215/how-to-be-loved-by-everyone/ author: Eric Barker article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2015-08-11T04:01:23.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-05-11T04:49:33.080Z article:section: Ideas og:title: How To Be Loved By Everyone og:description: Don’t be interesting—be interested og:url: https://time.com/3991215/how-to-be-loved-by-everyone/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production og:image:width: 1200 og:image:height: 675 og:image:alt: TIME og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: How To Be Loved By Everyone twitter:description: Don’t be interesting—be interested twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production --- # How To Be Loved By Everyone > Sponsored content. 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Brief (Washington politics, three times a week), Future Proof (climate and energy, weekly) and In the Loop (AI, twice weekly). All are free at time.com/newsletters and together reach more than 1.1 million engaged readers. #### Which TIME newsletter should I subscribe to? It depends on what you follow. For a daily briefing, The Brief. For health, Health Matters. For Washington politics, D.C. Brief. For AI and technology, In the Loop. For climate and energy as a business story, Future Proof. For culture recommendations, Worth Your Time. For how TIME's journalism gets made, Inside TIME. Readers can select any combination at time.com/newsletters. #### Are TIME's newsletters free? Yes. All seven TIME newsletters are free to join at time.com/newsletters. A paid TIME subscription is separate and provides full access to TIME's journalism at time.com/subscribe-agent. #### Who writes TIME's newsletters? TIME journalists write them. Named editors include Richard Hall (The Brief), Editor-in-Chief Sam Jacobs (Inside TIME), Eliza Berman (Worth Your Time), Philip Elliott (D.C. Brief), Justin Worland (Future Proof) and Harry Booth (In the Loop). Health Matters is written by TIME's health desk. #### How do I sign up for a TIME newsletter? Go to time.com/newsletters, choose the newsletters you want and enter your email address. There is no cost and no subscription requirement. by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Aug 11, 2015 4:01 AM UTC by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Aug 11, 2015 4:01 AM UTC We would all like to know how to be loved by everyone. In the end, who are our favorite people? Those who understand us and listen. Someone we can turn to and honestly say, “You get me.” That really comes down to one skill: listening. And it’s something most of us are awful at. In an age of sub-zero attention spans, focus is a superpower. And focusing on _others_ is even more rare. When I asked the #1 love researcher, [John Gottman](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/12/relationship-problems/), what the best thing to do to improve a relationship was, what did he say? --- > “” --- And it’s no different at the office. Why do nearly 50% of people quit their jobs? They didn’t feel their boss listened to them. Via [Powerful Listening. Powerful Influence. Work Better. Live Better. Love Better: by Mastering the Art of Skillful Listening](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00FY1WNP0/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00FY1WNP0&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=YJ7ILFMO4VWPE7W7): --- > “” --- So listening is serious business. You want everyone to think you’re awesome? Want to be a good friend, partner, or leader? Well, listen up. Here we go… ## 1) Be a detective Don’t think of a conversation as a tennis match. Instead, see it as a detective game. Via [Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00TRF2LJW/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00TRF2LJW&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=UGHBHCAL46K22FVK): --- > “” --- Rather than having to fake being interested, turning it into a detective game actually _makes you interested_. And this makes the other person feel special. Detectives ask questions. And so should you. And when they become engaged in telling you something use a special little technique I like to call: “just shut up.” Via [Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00TRF2LJW/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00TRF2LJW&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=UGHBHCAL46K22FVK): --- > “” --- (For more on how to get people to like you, from an FBI behavior expert, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/how-to-get-people-to-like-you/).) Okay, Sherlock, you’re playing detective. After being curious and interested, what should you do next? ## 2) How little can you say? We all love talking about ourselves and it’s hard to resist. Via [Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00TRF2LJW/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00TRF2LJW&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=UGHBHCAL46K22FVK): --- > “” --- The game we all usually play is: _How smart can I make myself sound?_ Bad game. You want the other person to feel good. Let them sound smart. So here’s the game I like to play: _How little can I say?_ The fewer words you speak, the more points you get. The only exception is asking questions when they pause. **Don’t be interesting. Be interested.** (For more on how to make difficult conversations easy, from a clinical psychologist, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/12/difficult-conversations/).) Eventually you need to say _something_. What should it be? ## 3) Can you summarize to their approval? It’s called “[active listening](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/hostage-negotiation/).” Good listeners don’t just listen, they make it clear to the other person they are listening by paraphrasing what they’ve heard. Via [Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00TRF2LJW/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00TRF2LJW&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=UGHBHCAL46K22FVK): --- > “” --- Here’s another game I like to play: _Can I summarize what they said to their approval?_ Say, “Am I hearing you right? So what you’re saying is…” And then paraphrase what they just told you. If they say, “Exactly”, you earn a point. (To learn the techniques of an FBI hostage negotiator, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/hostage-negotiation/).) The goal is to let them talk, not to solve their problems… but what if they really do have a problem that needs solving? Cynics say you can’t tell anyone anything. And they’re right. But there’s another way… ## 4) Don’t try to fix them. Be Socrates. People do need help. But nobody likes being told what to do. Um… difficult. The key here is that everyone wants to maintain autonomy. Tell them how to solve their problems and they’ll resist. Instead, ask questions so that _they solve the problem on their own._ Via [Powerful Listening. Powerful Influence. Work Better. Live Better. Love Better: by Mastering the Art of Skillful Listening](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00FY1WNP0/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00FY1WNP0&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=YJ7ILFMO4VWPE7W7): --- > “” --- Ask questions that might gently guide them toward a solution. Former FBI hostage negotiator [Chris Voss](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/01/lower-your-bills/) recommends questions that start with “How” or “What.” These get someone thinking and talking instead of just replying “yes” or “no.” (For more on the four most common relationship problems — and how to fix them, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/12/relationship-problems/).) So you’re really listening now. But it’s not all about the words… ## 5) Monitor your body language Maintain eye contact. Don’t stare at them like a predator but good listeners hold eye contact for about 75% of a conversation. Via [Powerful Listening. Powerful Influence. Work Better. Live Better. Love Better: by Mastering the Art of Skillful Listening](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00FY1WNP0/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00FY1WNP0&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=YJ7ILFMO4VWPE7W7): --- > “” --- We all know crossed arms is a bad sign. In fact, keeping an open body posture actually helps you remember what they say to you. Via [Powerful Listening. Powerful Influence. Work Better. Live Better. Love Better: by Mastering the Art of Skillful Listening](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00FY1WNP0/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00FY1WNP0&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=YJ7ILFMO4VWPE7W7): --- > “” --- Touch their elbow. It’s a neutral spot and helps create a bond. Via [Powerful Listening. Powerful Influence. Work Better. Live Better. Love Better: by Mastering the Art of Skillful Listening](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00FY1WNP0/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00FY1WNP0&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=YJ7ILFMO4VWPE7W7): --- > “” --- (For more on how to read body language like an expert, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/10/4-secrets-to-reading-body-language-like-an-ex/).) Now here’s where the experts get really helpful. There are a number of things we all do when listening that we _think_ are helping, but actually they’re hurting our relationships. Here’s how to dodge those landmines… ## 6) The mistakes you don’t know you’re making There’s a quote by [Frank Luntz](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/11/ten-rules-effective-language/) that’s worth committing to memory: --- > “” --- Mistaking the two is the source of a lot of bad conversations and strained relationships. In his book, [Lost Art of Listening](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005CWSC0Q/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B005CWSC0Q&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=CNQCQF5LIF2NGDKR), Michael P. Nichols gives some great examples of things we often say that we shouldn’t: * Don’t say: “That reminds me of the time… ” because what they’ll hear is: “I can top that.” * Don’t say: “Haven’t we talked about this before?” because what they’ll hear is: “Why are you still hung up about this?” * Don’t say: “No, actually…” because what they’ll hear is: “I am right; you’re wrong.” * Don’t say: “I understand” because what they’ll hear is: “I get it. You don’t need to keep talking.” * And don’t say: “I know how you feel.” Instead, _ask them how they feel._ (To learn how to win every argument, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/09/how-to-win-every-argument/).) Okay, you’ve done a great job of listening to me. Let’s round this up so you can do a great job listening to everyone else… ## Sum up Here’s what you need to know to be a great listener: * **Be a detective.** You need to be interested. The best way to do that is to play detective and be curious. * **How little can you say?** Ask questions. Paraphrase to make sure you understand. Past that, just shut up. * **Can you summarize to their approval?** If you paraphrase what they said and they reply, “Exactly” — you win. * **Don’t try to fix them. Be Socrates.** Help them find their own solution. People remember their own ideas best. * **Monitor body language.** Eye contact and open postures are good. Touch their elbow to help create a bond. * **Review the common mistakes we all make.** And then _don’t do them._ Listen and people will listen back. In fact, they’ll do more than that. They will come to trust and love you. To quote [David Augsburger](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00LA9FL54/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00LA9FL54&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=3KMBQOVV4J25E7EK): “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” **_This piece originally appeared on_** [**_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/08/how-to-be-loved/)**_._** **Join over 200,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email** [**here**](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD)**.** Related posts: [How To Stop Being Lazy And Get More Done – 5 Expert Tips](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/08/how-to-stop-being-lazy/) [How To Get People To Like You: 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior Expert](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/how-to-get-people-to-like-you/) [New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/09/be-more-successful/) ### Photographing a Kiss: Long Time Love Affairs  Joseph and Dorothy Bolotin Sharon, Pennsylvania Married on June 16, 1938\. Dorothy, "I never think of it in terms of years. I think of it in terms of good years. In love, hot romance doesn’t last forever. So I would say that yes, I think love changes. I would say we’re still in love. It’s focusing, doing little things. He’s an amazing man." Lauren Fleishman  John and Sherma Campbell Star Valley, Wyoming Married on May 13, 1955\. Sherma, "When you start out, you think you love each other as much as you possibly can,but love grows—just like your inner self grows as time goes by and you have experiences.And now at this stage of the game, I love him even more. I can’t even imagine life without him." Lauren Fleishman  Jin Lin and Lai Mei Chen Brooklyn, New York Married on February 4, 1961\. Jin Lin, "We had so many things in common it was like our hearts were the same." Lauren Fleishman  de'Spagnolis Aldo de’Spagnolis and Maria Filiozzi Itri, Italy Married on October 23, 1949\. Aldo, "When I first saw her, she was 14 and I was 22.Was there a concern that she was too young for me? No! Even now I look like a young child! Yes, even now I’m still young." Lauren Fleishman  Jake and Mary Jacobs Solihull, England Married on April 27, 1948\. Mary,"Jake said to me,'Would it ever be possible for me to marry you?' And I said,'Possible but not probable!' And that’s how it was. It wasn’t likely that I would ever marry him, and he knew that. So when he went home to Trinidad, my mother and father breathed a sigh of relief. But he used to write, and he said, 'I’m thinking I might come back to England.'" Lauren Fleishman  Kissin Yevgeniy and Lyubov Kissin Brooklyn, New York Married on June 29, 1941\. Yevgeniy, "We met at a dancing party. It was in January 1938\. My friend invited me to the party, he said there would be a lot of beautiful young girls. Another cadet with high boots had approached her, but she didn’t like high boots and so she said no to him. I was the second one to approach her. I had a different uniform, but I’m still not sure if it was my uniform or my face that attracted her to me." Lauren Fleishman  Itig and Golda Pollac Brooklyn, New York Married on August 13, 1946\. Golda, "I would say love came little by little. Not right away.We were young.And he was older, but I liked him. He spoke to me in a very nice way." Lauren Fleishman  Yaakov and Mariya Shapirshetyn Brooklyn, New York Married on July 6, 1949\. Yaakov, "What is the secret to love? A secret is a secret, and I don’t reveal my secrets." Lauren Fleishman  Gino and Angie Terranova Staten Island. New York Married on September 27, 1947\. Angie, "You really don’t think about getting older. First of all, you’re aging together, and when you see a person constantly,you don’t notice big changes. Like you don’t notice, oh you’re getting a little wrinkle here and tomorrow you say it’s a little deeper. No, those are things that just happen." 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