Debate drinking games are usually manageable affairs. The debates only last 90-minutes, they end when it’s late and you can sleep it all off.
This time is harder. There’s a Happy Hour intro, with the minor candidates at 5 p.m. EST, followed by two hours to dry out, followed by a two hour blitz to the bitter end starting at 9 p.m. EST. So beware. Be cautious. Drink responsibly, and only if you are at least 21 years old. Walk home. Or consider switching to Tab.
Here is TIME’s guide to drinking watching the first Republican debate of the 2016 cycle.
- Stir your swizzle stick the first time Lindsey Graham makes a joke.
- Shoot some bourbon if he actually gets a moderator to smile.
- Swear to never drink again if he tells more than five jokes, and one of them involves Obama’s Iran deal.
- Sip if someone says “Oops.” Finish the drink if that someone is Rick Perry.
- Finish your drink if Ted Cruz mentions his father’s underwear.
- Bury the bottle cap in the back yard if anyone mocks Michelle Obama’s White House garden.
- Drink a glass of water if Marco Rubio is spotted drinking water on stage.
- Drink a bottle of anything whenever Bobby Jindal completes an entire answer without attacking Obama, Democrats or liberals.
- Pour yourself a new drink each time Jim Gilmore makes a point. Drink them all at once if you suddenly realize you could vote for him.
Sip for each of the following:
- Mike Huckabee rails on judges
- Scott Walker says “Reagan”
- Rick Santorum attacks Fox News debate selection rules
- George Pataki brings up 9/11
- Jeb Bush says “joy,” “joyful,” or “clown”
- Someone mentions W
- Someone mentions Monica
- Someone mentions Romney in a negative way
- Someone says Benghazi
- Cruz praises Trump
- Trump refers to himself in the 3rd person
- Jeb calls himself “Veto Corleone”
- Carson says he has no desire to be President
- Rand namechecks an austrian economist
- Rand criticizes a moderator
- Christie says he ‘tells it like it is’
- Cruz says ‘washington cartel’
- Kasich gets angry
- Perry makes an oops joke
- Jeb Bush says 4%
- Cruz mentions his father
- Trump says “Huge,” “Best,” or “Great”
- Anyone uses the word “rape” or “rapist”
- Anyone mentions “Cecil the Lion”
Finish everything in the house if Chris Christie names his favored method of birth control.
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