Welcome back to Kaitlyn’s journey to find love and a Neil Lane diamond ring on The Bachelorette. Last week, Kaitlyn rid her flock of the weak and the crazy-eyed, and Tony the Healer went home to his bonsai tree in a protest against all the violence on the show, before he even got a chance to read her chakras or heal her. It was a very full week, but in the inimitable words of TV pitchman the late Billy Mays — but wait, there’s more! Clint and J.J.’s bromance came to a hilt, but Kaitlyn finally realized that Clint was not there for the right reasons, which is high treason in the Bachelorverse. Not being one to shy away from trouble, Kaitlyn went to have a little conversation with him, which is where the show frustratingly ended.
Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:
The Drama: Before his talk with Kaitlyn, Clint claims he is “ready to make some power moves tonight.” Needless to say he’s confident he’s getting a rose. When Kaitlyn calls him out, he blames jealousy. When that doesn’t work he throws out some Bachelorette-approved feelings phrases: he’s been “100% honest,” and “that scares him,” and it’s been “really difficult overcoming himself.” All credit to Kaitlyn, she saw right through his smooth talking and poor man’s Liam Hemsworth’s look. She basically pats him on the head and tells him to go say good-bye to his little friends.
The Actual Shocking Twist: Back inside, Kaitlyn breaks the news, and in an actually shocking twist, J.J. tells Clint that he should apologize to everyone for wasting Kaitlyn’s time. The men collectively drop their jaws at J.J.’s gall, and Clint looks genuinely hurt by the public friend dumping (frumping?). Naturally he rounds on J.J., and in an expletive-laden farewell, Clint loudly ends their bromance. Later, after Clint leaves, J.J. cries to himself. He’s not here to make friends anymore.
The Rose Ceremony, Part II: Kaitlyn decides that there is not going to be a Rose Ceremony. While the men curl their lips over the fact that J.J. is still in the house, Chris Harrison tells them to turn their frowns upside down, because their journey to find love is taking them to New York City.
First Group Date: After some gelled and waxed man delivers the obligatory line that “New York is a good place to fall in love,” a date card arrives inviting J.J., Shawn, that one guy, Jonathan, Tanner, that other guy, someone named Ben (maybe?), Ryan B., that some other guy who may be new here to an outing. The challenge? The rap battle that Gawker attended back in April, making us all seethe with jealousy like a Bachelor contestant left out of the hot tub make-out session. Hip-hop legend Doug E. Fresh earned himself a paycheck by agreeing to train the men in the fine art of the rap battle, to be performed in front of a live audience, natch. The men write down some (lame) rhymes and go for it. Kaitlyn speaks the truth when she says “this is the worst rap battle ever” and that includes the one where Eminem performed with barfed up spaghetti on his sweater.
The Arrival: Kaitlyn spies Ashley I. from her time in the trenches with Chris Soules and goes to say hello. Standing next to her is Nick Viall (a.k.a. the man who slut-shamed Bachelorette Andi on national television after she took full advantage of the Fantasy Suite), and Kaitlyn is actually excited to see him. Apparently they struck up a friendship on social media and a few friendly tweets is enough for Nick to get the crazy look back in his eyes and come flying across the country and beg the producers to let him on to the show. (Why didn’t he just write one of his famous letters?) Kaitlyn wants to think about his offer. Wouldn’t it be better if she invited Doug E. Fresh onto the show instead?
The After Party: You know what puts a damper on a group date? Telling all the men that you don’t like any of them quite enough and want to bring in a 13th man to see if he is a better fit for you. Turns out that is a great way to annoy many, many men at the same time. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself the only woman at a panel discussion or conference. The men are well aware of Nick’s sordid, slut-shamey past, and they are not impressed. Meanwhile, Kaitlyn has ditched the party and is making out with Nick. When she gets back, Kaitlyn gives Justin the Date Rose, but he is too depressed to be impressed.
The Decision: Kaitlyn realizes that it’s probably not fair to bring Nick into the pool of possible husband material at this late date, but she also really wants to make out with him and doesn’t want to deny her feelings. Before her date with Jared, she goes to get her hair done by crazy-eyed Ashley S., who Kaitlyn swears is smart and not nearly as crazy as the edit she was given would imply. (She says that, but never forget the Onion or the zombies.) After talking to Ashley S., Kaitlyn decides to follow her heart and to let Nick on the show. She and Nick make out on the street corner to celebrate before she leaves for her date with Jared. Later, she tells the men her decision, and weirdly none of them are happy about it.
The One-on-One Date: Kaitlyn goes to meet Jared for a black-tie date at the Met, but her mind isn’t in the date at all. Instead, she is thinking about Nick, and all the drama she is unleashing on the house by throwing yet another man into her embarrassment of manly, spray-tanned riches. Jared manages to play it cool and earns Kaitlyn’s attention, and eventually the Date Rose while drinking wine next to the Temple of Dendur, which has probably seen at least one moment as awkward as this in its 2,000 years on the planet. Maybe. The happy couple then take off in a limo to a helicopter to enter the Statue of Liberty’s airspace.
Bachelorette Milestone: Jared said the L word.
Second Group Date: In a move sure to crush the souls of every aspiring thespian Ian, Ben H., The Dentist, Joshua, and some guy with 1990s Morrissey hair are invited to audition for the cast of Aladdin on Broadway. But as any Smash fan knows, Broadway is a cruel place, and soon enough all the men are cut from the show except for the dentist, who gets to stay and perform with Kaitlyn during an actual (hopefully heavily discounted) performance of the musical. They make out in the wings. She hands him the Date Rose and then they kiss some more.
Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: If you like awkwardness, you’ll love watching the men pretend to tolerate the presence of Nick V. Also, some day there might be a Rose Ceremony and one of these men (or J.J.) will get sent back to their bonsai trees.
Update: In case you were wondering about how the not-Bachelorette is doing, Britt and Brady are still dating. They spend their days going for long walks on the beach and she calls him the “b word” (that’s boyfriend, people), and probably sending Edible Arrangements to the producers of the show in gratitude for bringing them together.
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