Here Are 38 Birthday Wishes for Kanye on His 38th Birthday

4 minute read

Today, June 8, is Kanye West’s 38th birthday, which you probably already knew because his wife Kim Kardashian has of course been talking up the occasion on social media.

It may seem like Kanye has everything he could ever want — a mega- successful rap career, a devoted wife, a cute kid (and another on the way), more money than most people could ever fathom — so we know it’s tough to imagine that there’s anything else he’d need in the coming year. But we’ve thought it over, and we’ve got a few ideas.

Here’s what we hope for Yeezy as he begins his 38th year:

  • That he has one of the best birthdays OF ALL TIME.
  • That his daughter North also has one of the best birthdays OF ALL TIME. (Hers is on June 15.)
  • That someone will hurry up with his damn croissants. (All the time, but especially on his birthday.)
  • Some cool new fonts for him to get emotional over.
  • To make “SWISH” happen.
  • That he’ll start watching Inside Amy Schumer now that Amy has literally fallen at his feet.
  • A huge Chicago-style hot dog. To remind him of his roots.
  • A huge Chicago-style deep dish pizza. To remind him of his roots.
  • A huge Chicago-style Italian beef sandwich. To remind him of his roots.
  • A brunch date with Taylor Swift to ensure that they really have made amends after Kanye’s Grammys outburst.
  • A brunch date with Beck to ensure that they really have made amends after Kanye’s Grammys outburst.
  • An additional brunch date with Taylor Swift so he can bounce off some ideas for a high-waisted pants line he’s thinking of starting.
  • That Kim will let him have a special room in their house just for his leather harem pants.
  • For Taylor Swift to include him in an extended cut of the “Bad Blood” video.
  • For everyone to forget he was involved in Tidal.
  • For him to announce a tour where he never appears onstage, it’s just Seth Rogen and James Franco dancing. The whole time.
  • That everyone in the world will band together and not let him get in his zone.
  • That his team won’t have too many Urkels on it.
  • That he’ll finally figure out where the bad bitches have been hiding.
  • That when he and Kim go out for date night, she does not order fish filet.
  • That when Kim gives birth to their second child, that child looks exactly like a miniature version of Kanye.
  • Another brunch date with Taylor Swift, just for funsies.
  • For him to find a new Broadway show that resonates with him as deeply as Wicked did.
  • NOT a new sweater. (Kim can do better.)
  • A collaborative album with T-Swift to blow Watch the Throne out of the water.
  • A few new creative interpretations of the best Kanye GIFs.
  • Some pillows he can, like, actually sleep on.
  • A shiny new marble conference table.
  • A simple Persian rug with cherub imagery to go with the table.
  • A brand new bulletproof hater coat.
  • That Taylor Swift gets another cat and names it Yeezy.
  • That Taylor Swift gets a Westie and names it Kanye Westie.
  • That the Church of Yeezus gains more credibility (and more Ye’ciples.)
  • A pair of front-row tickets to Taylor Swift’s 1989 tour.
  • A trip to Taco Bell with Kim that will have him grinning like a fool.
  • A few extra hot sauce packets thrown in with his Taco Bell order.
  • A Kanye listicle (a Kanye Westicle?) that’s really all about Taylor Swift.
  • Seriously, hurry up with his damn croissants.
  • Wishing you nothing but the best, Ye. Happy birthday.


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