Welcome back to The Bachelorette, where Kaitlyn Bristowe is slogging her way to love. She has toppled Britt to become the star of the show, gotten groped by a drunk guy and finally embarked on her journey to find love and, if the promos are to be believed, some something something. This week Kaitlyn has two group dates and her second one-on-one date, but first she has to finish getting rid of Kupah, whom she kicked off last week, but didn’t quite finish the job. Then there’s still a Rose Ceremony to get through …
Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette this week:
The Farewell: Kaitlyn leaves the mansion to go tell Kupah to go ahead and go gentle into that good night. He abashedly swears,”I won’t yell anymore, I promise,” which is a great start to any relationship. She rolls her eyes as he rolls into the van. She takes the time to daintily wipe the tears from her eyes and notes that you can tell a lot about a person in 30 seconds. Especially if those 30 seconds involve drunkenly hollering in the driveway.
The Bachelorette Milestone: Kaitlyn realizes that this is harder than she thought it would be. That’s when Chris “Perfect Timing” Harrison earns his salary by reminding her that it’s time for a Rose Ceremony.
Rose Ceremony, Continued: Back in the mansion, the men line up, and Kaitlyn starts handing out roses. First up is Jared, who appears to have recovered from his Bachelorette-induced concussion (so it must be only slightly worse than a Bachelorette-induced migraine). She then hands roses to Ben H., Shawn, Jonathan (who is dressed in his finest Miami Vice cosplay), a person named Tanner, who is apparently on the show, Chris Cupcake and then a bunch of guys named Ryan and Justin.
The Final Rose: Tony the Healer is freaking out because he left his bonsai tree and dog to be on the show, and Kaitlyn didn’t hand him a rose yet. He explains that he “sees the world through the eyes of a child” and is very concerned that Kaitlyn is not recognizing his inner warrior. Luckily, the producers refuse to let go of their most bon mots–addled contestant, so he gets the rose, meaning a handful of far more sane, but far more boring men are heading back to their day jobs as entrepreneurs and amateur fitness trainers.
The First Group Date: If you ever need an effective wakeup call, try two sumo wrestlers armed with a gong. They deliver the news that JJ, Joe, Justin, Joshua, Chris Cupcake, Clint, and, of course, Tony will be sumo wrestling to impress Kaitlyn. Chris Harrison tells the menfolk that “out of respect” for the most ancient sport, the men must wear traditional sumo garb for their bouts. The men then spend the rest of the date mocking the sumo belts, with lots of pointing, laughing, pointed blurring and referring to the belts as “man diapers.” Good show of respect! The sumo wrestlers school the men in the sport and mercilessly (hilariously) chuck them out of the ring one by one. Then there’s Tony. He is a “peaceful and balanced guy,” but when he is unable to mount the mountain of man meat, he goes off to sulk and pretend he’s not into violence and wants to be a man of peace. So he picks a fight with Kaitlyn and curses at JJ and pouts in a corner. Kaitlyn keeps pointing out that this is just supposed to be fun, but Tony’s self-proclaimed “gypsy soul” can’t handle it. The rest of the men head down to some public location to scandalize children and wrestle. Even Kaitlyn suited up for a staged match. The men threw each other around in the ring until Clint was named champion.
The Not-Quite Drama: While Kaitlyn is off having fun with the team players, Tony, the lone wolf, has decided that he “can’t participate in this circus anymore.” She hugs him and sends him on the way without even pretending to talk him out of it.
The After Party: Clint has a sneaky plan where he decides not to pursue Kaitlyn and instead wants to sit on the bench with his bros and see if she comes to talk to him. She doesn’t. Instead she gives Sean the Date Rose and calls Clint out for being a doof.
The Ugh: The producers really want us to believe that the “bromance” between JJ and Clint is much more than just friendship. To “prove” their point, the producers spliced together a bunch of film leading people to believe that the men are falling in love with each other. Insert eye roll. JJ already confirmed that this was a creative edit, so this appears to be just a ridiculous stunt, signifying nothing other than a vague homophobia.
The One-on-One Date: Chris Harrison has planned a surprise date for Kaitlyn and Ben Z. (a.k.a. not Ben H.). Relationships take trust and communication, so he is locking them in the basement of Spirit Costume Shop together. And they say romance is dead. Kaitlyn and Ben then have to face a basement of horrors that would make Eli Roth cry — including birds, computer CAPTCHA codes, Britt’s disembodied face and fake barf-filled toilets. Also, snakes, scorpion and maggots, but really it was the CAPTCHA that nearly did them in. Luckily, while Kaitlyn squealed, Ben was manlier than that guy named Manley on Little House on the Prairie and they escaped the basement and went to make out at Kaitlyn’s house.
The Bachelorette Milestone: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a hot tub. They make out. She hands him the Date Rose.
The Second Group Date: Some sociopath with a sick sense of humor sends a group of Bachelor men into a school to teach innocent young children about sex ed. I hope the parents of these children read their permission slips very, very closely. The men fumble and bumble through their presentations veering from PG-13 to R rating, getting bleeped and black-barred along the way. Ben H. kept it sweet and simple using Kaitlyn as a visual aid to help explain reproduction in a PG way that was a vast improvement over Joshua, who gleaned his material from hanging out with cows. When things get more NC-17, Kaitlyn reveals that these are not ordinary schoolchildren but child actors who have already lost all their innocence trying to make it in the rough streets of Hollywood. Ben H. earns a Date Rose for his efforts.
The Cocktail Party: Clint knows that he’s not there for the right reasons, but wants to hang out in the mansion with JJ, who spends a lot of time spewing vitriol into the camera. He and JJ chortle evilly in the corner, and the men have enough. They crack and tell Kaitlyn that the men are not there for the right reasons. Dun Dun.
Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Somebody is going home. Hopefully.