See Stars React to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Best Golden Globes Jokes

On the Rivalry Between the Big Screen and the Boob Tube

“Only at the Golden Globes do the beautiful people of film rub shoulders with the rat-faced people of television.”
—Amy Poehler, 2013

On James Cameron’s Machismo

“I haven’t been really following the controversy over Zero Dark Thirty, but when it comes to torture, I trust the lady [Kathryn Bigelow] who spent three years married to James Cameron.”
—Amy Poehler, 2013

On Ben Affleck and Beantown

“Ben’s first two movies took place in Boston, but he moved this one [Argo] to Iran because he wanted to film somewhere that was friendlier to outsiders.”
—Tina Fey, 2013

On Anne Hathaway As A Hopeless Waif

“Anne Hathaway, you gave a stunning performance in Les Misérables. I have not seen someone totally alone and abandoned like that since you were on stage with James Franco at the Oscars.”
—Tina Fey, 2013

On the director of Django Unchained

“Quentin Tarantino is here—the star of all my sexual nightmares.”
—Tina Fey, 2013

On Tom Hanks and His Utterly Unpronounceable Name

“Congratulations to all the wonderful actors nominated tonight, from the amazing Chiwetel Ejiofor to the stunning Lupita Nyong’o to American treasure Tam Honks. Dammit, I knew I was going to screw that up.”
—Amy Poehler, 2014

On Matt Damon’s Nomination In A Television Category

“Matt Damon is here for Behind the Candelabra. Matt, on any other night, in any other room, you would be a big deal, but tonight, and don’t take this the wrong way, you’re basically a garbage person.”
—Amy Poehler, 2014

On Meryl Streep Defying Hollywood’s Ageist Culture

“Meryl Streep, so briliant in August Osage County, proving that there are still great parts in Hollywood for Meryl Streeps over 60.”
—Tina Fey, 2014

On George Clooney Succumbing to Hollywood’s Ageist Culture

“Gravity is nominated for best film. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman [Sandra Bullock] his own age.”
—Tina Fey, 2014

On Joaquin Phoenix Being the Weirdest Guy in Hollywood

“One of my favorite films this year is the movie Her, which takes place in the not-so-distant future. Which is perfect, because so does Joaquin Phoenix.”
—Tina Fey, 2014