--- description: When you ask parents what they want for their kids, what’s usually the most common reply? They want their children to be happy. Via Raising... title: How to Raise Happy Kids: 10 Steps Backed by Science image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production --- Mar 24, 2014 # How to Raise Happy Kids: 10 Steps Backed by Science by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close **When you ask parents what they want for their kids, what’s usually the most common reply? They want their children to be** [**happy**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/08/here-are-the-things-that-are-proven-to-make-y/ "undefined")**.** Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- Now there’s tons of info on raising [smart kids](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/good-parenting-skills/ "undefined") and [successful kids](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/01/how-to-be-a-better-parent/ "undefined"), but how do you raise _happy_ kids? Sometimes it’s hard to balance what’s best for children with what makes them happy — but the two don’t have to be mutually exclusive. ### See the 10 Healthiest Cities to Live in America  Honolulu, Hawaii Best Place for Lifelong Health The heavenly climate helps, but the key to well-being here also includes enviable health care and a rich cultural tradition of looking out for one another. Colin Anderson—Blend Images/Corbis  San Francisco Bay Area, Calif. Best Place for Eating Right. The "farm to table" movement began here. The region's bounty of produce and year-round growing season make eating healthy—and local—a natural. Getty Images  Burlington, Vt. Best Place for Raising Healthy Kids This New England city offers great schools, excellent pediatric care, loads of culture and limitless options for healthy outdoor fun all year long. Matt Hogan/www.mphoganphoto.com  Silicon Valley, Calif. Best Place for Workplace Wellness With treadmill desks, meetings on bikes, time off for creativity, and gobs of organic food, tech titans are reinventing how to stay healthy on the job. Jim Wilson—The New York Times/Redux  Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minn. Best Place for Aging Well Yes, it can be cold. But with a plethora of stimulating activities and a robust web of support, the Twin Cities prove that growing old doesn't mean slowing down. Getty Images  Denver and Boulder, Colo. Best Place for Keeping Fit The urge to get outside and get moving is contagious in these Rocky Mountain cities, where physical challenge is built into the landscape. Celin Serbo—Aurora Photos/Corbis  Plano, Texas Best Place for Staying Safe Once a rural outpost, this booming, diverse city has kept its small-town vibe, thanks in part to a police force and community that knows how to work together. Misty Keasler—Redux for TIME  Portland, Ore. Best Place for a Healthy Environment Small, walkable neighborhoods, 300 miles of bike paths, and urban policies that foster active living and sustainability make for one clean, green city. Getty Images  Boston, Mass. Best Place for Health Care This history-rich city is home to some of the nation's most advanced medical institutions and policies that help ensure that quality care is available to all. K.C. Cohen—Courtesy of Boston Children's Hospital  Provo and Orem, Utah Best Place for Spiritual Well-Being A stunning Rocky Mountain backdrop and a tight-knit population that lives its faith contribute not only to this region's serenity but also to lower rates of disease. Getty Images **Happier kids are more likely to turn into successful, accomplished adults.** Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- **So looking at the science, what really works when it comes to raising happy kids?** ## **Step 1: Get Happy Yourself** The first step to happier kids is, ironically, a little bit selfish. **How happy you are affects how happy and successful your kids are — dramatically.** Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- And this is not merely due to genetics. Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- **So what’s the first step to being a happier you? Take some time each week to have fun with friends.** Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- More scientific methods for increasing your happiness [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/08/here-are-the-things-that-are-proven-to-make-y/ "undefined"). ## **Step 2: Teach Them To Build Relationships** Nobody denies learning about relationships is important — but how many parents actually spend the time to _teach_ kids how to relate to others? (Just saying “Hey, knock it off” when kids don’t get along really doesn’t go far in building essential people skills.) **It doesn’t take a lot. It can start with encouraging kids to perform small acts of kindness to build empathy.** This not only builds essential skills and makes your kids better people, **research shows over the long haul it makes them happier.** Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- More on creating good relationships [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/how-to-make-friends-easily/ "undefined"). ## **Step 3: Expect Effort, Not Perfection** Note to perfectionist helicopter parents and Tiger Moms: _cool it._ **Relentlessly banging the achievement drum messes kids up.** Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- **The research is very consistent: Praise effort, not natural ability.** Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- Why? Dweck explains: “When we praise children for the effort and hard work that leads to achievement, they want to keep engaging in that process. They are not diverted from the task of learning by a concern with how smart they might — or might not — look.” More on praising correctly [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/good-parenting-skills/ "undefined"). ## **Step 4: Teach Optimism** Want to avoid dealing with a surly teenager? Then **teach those pre-teens to look on the bright side.** Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- Author Christine Carter puts it simply: **“Optimism is so closely related to happiness that the two can practically be equated.”** She compares optimists to pessimists and finds optimists: 1. Are more successful at school, work and athletics 2. Are healthier and live longer 3. End up more satisfied with their marriages 4. Are less likely to deal with depression and anxiety More on how to encourage optimism [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/12/train-brain-happy/ "undefined"). ## **Step 5: Teach Emotional Intelligence** Emotional intelligence is a skill, not an inborn trait. Thinking kids will just “naturally” come to understand their own emotions (let alone those of others) doesn’t set them up for success. **A simple first step here is to “Empathize, Label and Validate” when they’re struggling with anger or frustration.** Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): _Molly: “I am SO SO SO MAD AT YOU.”_ _Me: “You are mad at me, very mad at me. Tell me about that. Are you also feeling disappointed because I won’t let you have a playdate right now?”_ _Molly: “YES!! I want to have a playdate right NOW.”_ _Me: “You seem sad.” (Crawling into my lap, Molly whimpers a little and rests her head on my shoulder.)_ Relate to the child, help them identify what they are feeling and let them know that those feelings are okay (even though bad behavior might not be). More on active listening and labeling (and how hostage negotiators use this) [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/hostage-negotiation/ "undefined"). ## **Step 6: Form Happiness Habits** We’re on step 6 and it might seem like this is already a lot to remember for you — let alone for a child. We can overcome that with [good habits](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/08/what-are-the-5-steps-for-changing-bad-habits/ "undefined"). **Thinking through these methods is taxing but acting habitually is easy, once habits have been established.** **How do you help kids build lasting happiness habits?** Carter explains a few powerful methods backed by research: 1. **Stimulus removal**: Get distractions and temptations out of the way. 2. **Make It Public**: Establish goals to increase social support — and social pressure. 3. **One Goal At A Time**: Too many goals [overwhelms willpower](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/increase-willpower/ "undefined"), especially for kids. Solidify one habit before adding another. 4. **Keep At It**: Don’t expect perfection immediately. It takes time. There will be relapses. That’s normal. Keep reinforcing. More on developing good habits [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/12/new-years-resolutions/ "undefined"). ## **Step 7: Teach Self-Discipline** [**Self-discipline**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/increase-willpower/ "undefined") **in kids is more predictive of future success than intelligence — or most anything else, for that matter.** Yes, it’s that famous [marshmallow test](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/12/ways-to-increase-willpower/ "undefined") all over again. Kids who better resisted temptation went on to much better lives years later and were happier. Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- **What’s a good way to start teaching self-discipline? Help kids learn to distract themselves from temptation.** Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- More on increasing self-discipline [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/07/increase-self-control/ "undefined"). ## **Step 8: More Playtime** We read a lot about mindfulness and [meditation](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/10/happier-increase-attention-span-courageous/ "undefined") these days — and both are quite powerful. Getting kids to do them regularly however can be quite a challenge. What works almost as well? **More** [**playtime**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/09/why-do-we-play/ "undefined")**.** Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- **Playtime isn’t just goofing off. It’s essential to helping kids grow and learn.** Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- **No strict instructions are necessary here: Budget more time for your kids to just get outside and simply** **_play_** **.** More on the power of playing (for kids and adults) [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/09/why-do-we-play/ "undefined"). ## **Step 9: Rig Their Environment For Happiness** We don’t like to admit it, but we’re all [very much influenced by our environment](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/04/whats-the-most-effective-way-to-change-you-be/ "undefined") – often more than we realize. Your efforts will be constrained by time and effort, while context affects us (and children) constantly. **What’s a simple way to better control a child’s surroundings and let your deliberate happiness efforts have maximum effect?** **Less TV.** Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- More non-television happiness activities are [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/01/the-way-to-happiness/ "undefined"). ## **Step 10: Eat Dinner Together** Sometimes all science does is validate those things our grandparents knew all along. **Yes, family dinner matters.** **This simple tradition helps mold better kids and makes them happier too.** Via [Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00338QEN8/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00338QEN8&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- More on the power of family dinners [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/how-to-have-a-happy-family/ "undefined"). ## **Sum Up** Here are the ten steps: 1. **Get Happy Yourself** 2. **Teach Them To Build Relationships** 3. **Expect Effort, Not Perfection** 4. **Teach Optimism** 5. **Teach Emotional Intelligence** 6. **Form Happiness Habits** 7. **Teach Self-Discipline** 8. **More Playtime** 9. **Rig Their Environment For Happiness** 10. **Eat Dinner Together** We’re often more open to new methods when it comes to work and careers, but ignoring tips when it comes to family is a mistake. **_The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes._** **_– Harold B. Lee_** I hope this post helps your family be happier. **_This piece originally appeared on_** [**_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/ "undefined")**_._** **Join 45K+ readers.** Get a free weekly update via email [here](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD "undefined"). Related posts: [Good Parenting Skills: 7 Research-Backed Ways to Raise Kids Right](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/good-parenting-skills/ "undefined") [How To Have A Happy Family – 7 Tips Backed By Research](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/how-to-have-a-happy-family/ "undefined") [Parent myths: How much of what your parents told you was wrong?](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/parent-myths/ "undefined") _Read next:_ [_This Formula Can Help You Figure Out How Much to Save for College_](http://time.com/money/3704957/how-much-to-save-for-college/?xid=time%5Freadnext "undefined") [_Listen to the most important stories of the day._](http://time.com/newsletter/the-brief/?sl%5Fautoplay=true&xid=spl-fullbrief-article "undefined") ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"Article","@id":"https://time.com/collections/guide-to-happiness/35496/how-to-raise-happy-kids-10-steps-backed-by-science/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/collections/guide-to-happiness/35496/how-to-raise-happy-kids-10-steps-backed-by-science/"},"headline":"How to Raise Happy Kids: 10 Steps Backed by Science","datePublished":"2014-03-24T16:19:54.000Z","dateModified":"2026-03-31T04:59:23.347Z","description":"When you ask parents what they want for their kids, what’s usually the most common reply? 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