--- title: 6 Things the Happiest Families All Have in Common description: Tolstoy was right—all happy families are the same canonical: https://time.com/3304270/happy-families/ author: Eric Barker article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2014-09-08T17:37:14.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:43:12.765Z article:section: Ideas og:title: 6 Things the Happiest Families All Have in Common og:description: Learn how to fight right og:url: https://time.com/3304270/happy-families/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt777172747833053f/6988589a524fc07e20df3508/happy-family-beach.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 2560 og:image:height: 1440 og:image:alt: happy family beach og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: 6 Things the Happiest Families All Have in Common twitter:description: Learn how to fight right twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt777172747833053f/6988589a524fc07e20df3508/happy-family-beach.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # 6 Things the Happiest Families All Have in Common > Sponsored content. 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It explains how TIME's journalism is made, from the first pitch through the editorial decisions behind a finished story or cover. #### How can I read about how TIME chooses its covers? Inside TIME is the newsletter where TIME's Editor-in-Chief explains cover selection and the editorial reasoning behind major stories. It is free at time.com/newsletters. #### Who is the editor of TIME? Sam Jacobs is TIME's Editor-in-Chief. He writes Inside TIME, a twice-weekly newsletter about the newsroom's reporting and editorial decisions. #### Is Inside TIME free? Yes. Inside TIME is a free newsletter, available at time.com/newsletters. A paid TIME subscription is separate and available at time.com/subscribe-agent. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-inside-2026q3/newsletters?i=adc8da79-b194-4471-94c2-7455b7f66dd8&cr=time-nl-inside-2026q3-v1) ## Video: Attachment Parenting: Dr. Sears and the Origins of a Movement [Watch (HLS stream): Attachment Parenting: Dr. Sears and the Origins of a Movement](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/yMNteD4K.m3u8) (4:11)  _Published 2012-05-10. TIME reporter Kate Pickert explains how 'The Baby Book' author Dr. Sears' controversial ideas on parenting have trickled into the mainstream_ by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Sep 8, 2014 5:37 PM UTC  Family jumping together on a beach Family jumping together on a beach Getty Images by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Sep 8, 2014 5:37 PM UTC Family life is hectic. Most of us play it by ear and hope it works out well. Or maybe you haven’t started a family yet but when you do you want to do it _right_. **Aren’t there some legit answers out there about what creates the happiest families? Yes, there are.** To get the facts I called [Bruce Feiler](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/how-to-have-a-happy-family/), author of the New York Times bestseller, [The Secrets of Happy Families](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0089LOHHO/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0089LOHHO&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=DFAPAT7WKYK3ZRS2). When writing his book, Bruce knew there were answers already out there — but not necessarily where we’d expect. He found solutions to common family problems in business theory, Harvard negotiation techniques, and even by talking to Green Berets. **Below you’ll learn:** 1. **The #1 predictor of your child’s emotional well-being.** 2. **The #1 predictor of their academic achievement — and behavior problems.** 3. **And the simple thing that steers kids away from drugs, toward better grades and even improves their self-esteem. And more.** ### These Kids Want to Show You Their Favorite Toys  Ralf, 4 Riga, Latvia Gabriele Galimberti—INSTITUTE  Allenah, 4 El Nido, Philippines Gabriele Galimberti—INSTITUTE  Maudy, 3 Kalulushi, Zambia Gabriele Galimberti—INSTITUTE  Watcharapon, 3 Bangkok, Thailand Gabriele Galimberti—INSTITUTE  Reania, 5 Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Gabriele Galimberti—INSTITUTE  Pavel, 5 Kiev, Ukraine Gabriele Galimberti—INSTITUTE  Bethsaida, 6 Port-au-Prince, Haiti Gabriele Galimberti—INSTITUTE  Julia, 3 Tirana, Albania Gabriele Galimberti—INSTITUTE  Abel, 4 Nopaltepec, Mexico Gabriele Galimberti—INSTITUTE  Shotaro, 5 Tokyo, Japan Gabriele Galimberti—INSTITUTE  Noel, 5 South Dallas, Texas Gabriele Galimberti—INSTITUTE  Roxane, 5 Paris, France Gabriele Galimberti—INSTITUTE Here’s what makes strong, happy families: ## **1) Create A Family Mission Statement** I asked Bruce what he would recommend if he could only give one piece of advice. He said: **“Set aside time to talk about what it means to be a part of your family.”** **Ask: “What are your family values?” In business-speak:** **_Develop a mission statement for your family._** Here’s Bruce: --- > “” --- **Does “defining values” seem too big and intimidating? It’s really nothing more than** [**setting goals**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/05/the-last-damn-thing-youll-ever-need-to-read-a/)**.** Here’s Bruce: --- > “” --- **You have goals at work. You have personal goals. Why wouldn’t you have goals as a family?** (For more on the science of happy families, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/12/simple-secrets-happy-families/).) So you and your family discussed your values and came up with a mission statement. What other thing did Bruce say was vital? Like the mission statement, it’s another story. But it’s not about the future — it’s about the past. ## **2) Share Your Family History** [**Research**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/how-to-have-a-happy-family/) **shows whether a kid knows their family history was the** **_number one predictor of a child’s emotional well-being_** **.** Here’s Bruce: --- > “” --- And research confirms that meaning in life is all about the [stories we tell ourselves](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/03/4-steps-meaningful-life/). But here’s what’s really interesting: recounting your family history is not just telling kids, “Our family is awesome.” **Recounting the tough times, the challenges your family faced and overcame, is2 key.** Here’s Bruce: --- > “” --- (For more on how to make your kids smarter, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/03/how-to-make-your-kids-smarter/).) Mission statements, family history… that’s a lot of talking. When is all this supposed to happen? Whenever you get around to it? No way. ## **3) Hold Weekly Family Meetings** You’re not mom or dad anymore — you’re now co-CEO’s. To find the way to keep a family improving Bruce turned to the world of business. Your family needs a weekly board meeting with all the shareholders present. Sound cold and clinical? Wrong.1 **Bruce’s wife says it’s one of the best things they’ve done to make their own family life happier.** It’s not complicated and it only takes 20 minutes, once a week. Here’s Bruce: --- > “” --- Bruce did a [TED talk](http://www.ted.com/talks/bruce%5Ffeiler%5Fagile%5Fprogramming%5Ffor%5Fyour%5Ffamily?language=en) explaining in detail how techniques from the business world, like meetings, can improve our families (For more on how to raise happy kids, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/02/happy-kids/).) So your family has a mission, a shared history and you’re meeting regularly. This is great because everyone is talking, which is crucial. But what inevitably comes with talking a lot? [Arguing](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/09/how-to-win-every-argument/). It’s normal and natural and that’s okay. But you have to have rules so it isn’t a path to hurt feelings and homicide investigations. What’s the proper way to argue? ## **4) How To Fight Right** Bruce wanted to find the best way to resolve disputes — so he didn’t turn to books about families, he turned to a _pro._ Bill Ury is co-founder of the Project on Negotiation at Harvard Law School and co-author of the classic, [Getting To Yes](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0051SDM5Q/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0051SDM5Q&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=VUPHRVQ7ID3BRUMZ), **What can one of the best negotiators teach families about resolving those inevitable everyday squabbles of life?** **Bruce outlines three key steps:** --- > “” --- Bruce admits this part can be tricky. But you need to make it clear _nobody is leaving the table until there are three options_. --- > “” --- Have the kids pick one of the three that they like best. What’s key is that the children created the alternatives and agreed on the best solution. As Bruce explains in [his book](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0089LOHHO/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0089LOHHO&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=DFAPAT7WKYK3ZRS2), **when kids get a say,** [**it works out better for everyone**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/how-to-have-a-happy-family/)**. Don’t be a dictator unless you have to.** (To learn how how you can resolve conflict with lessons from FBI hostage negotiators, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/hostage-negotiation/).) So mission statements, family meetings and fighting right are great — but what keeps a family together day to day? ## **5) Have Family Dinner Together… Any Time Of The Day** **Research shows having dinner as a family makes a huge difference in children’s lives.** As Bruce writes in his book, [The Secrets of Happy Families:](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0089LOHHO/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0089LOHHO&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20) --- > “” --- I know what many of you are thinking: _Our schedules are crazy. It’s too hard to get everyone together. We can’t do it every night._ And that’s 100% okay. “Dinner” isn’t the important part. All that matters is that time together, whenever it is. And it doesn’t even have to be that much time. **How much** **_real conversation_** **happens at family dinner? 10 minutes.** As Bruce likes to say, the rest of the talking is “Take your elbows off the table” and “Please pass the ketchup.” What’s the best way to make use of those 10 minutes? Here’s Bruce: --- > “” --- (For more research-based parenting techniques, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/good-parenting-skills/).) Mission statements, family history, meetings, fighting right, dinners… That’s a lot to do. Heck, it’s a lot to just _remember_. What’s Bruce’s recommendation to the family that’s already strapped for time? What overarching theme can we see in all of these tips? ## **6) Just Try** Ask anyone if they want to make their family happier and, of course, they’ll say yes. Then ask how many hours they’ve _actively_ invested in that goal over the past month. I’m guessing the reply is going to be “Ummmmm…” **Reading about improving your family is only the first step. But the second step isn’t all that much harder:** **_Try._** Here’s Bruce: --- > “” --- And the research backs Bruce up. **Studies show improving any relationship is as easy as** [**actively showing interest in the other person**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/01/how-to-easily-be-more-likable-and-make-people/) **or** [**sharing with them.**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2010/06/how-to-improve-your-relationship-in-5-seconds/) In fact, pretending time with your romantic partner is a first date makes it [more enjoyable for you](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2010/07/another-way-to-easily-improve-your-relationsh/) and [for them](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/11/whats-a-quick-way-to-improve-our-relationship/). Why? On first dates we make an _effort_. And that’s the secret here too: don’t just think about it, invest time and energy. (For three of the most counterintuitive lessons on being a great parent, click[here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/01/how-to-be-a-better-parent/).) So how do we tie all this together? ## Sum Up Here are Bruce’s 6 tips: 1. **Create A Family Mission Statement** 2. **Share Your Family History** 3. **Hold Weekly Family Meetings** 4. **Fight Right** 5. **Have Family Dinner Together… Any Time Of The Day** 6. **Just Try2** Families come in all different shapes and sizes these days and the world moves a lot faster than it once did. But don’t fret. Research shows that anyone can have a happy family. Via [100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC1PHK/?tag=spacforrent-20): --- > “” --- **Share this post with your family. Start a conversation. Hold that first family meeting. And more than anything else: Try.** A PDF of my extended interview with Bruce will be in my [next weekly email](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD). In it he’ll explain: 1. The magic phrase that parents can use to increase children’s self-esteem. 2. The thing dads do that make kids smarter — which moms need to know. **To get the PDF join over 100,000 readers who receive my free weekly update. Sign up** [**here**](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD)**.** Related posts: [How To Raise Happy Kids – 10 Steps Backed By Science](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/02/happy-kids/) [Good Parenting Skills: 7 Research-Backed Ways to Raise Kids Right](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/good-parenting-skills/) [How To Have A Happy Family – 7 Tips Backed By Research](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/how-to-have-a-happy-family/) _This piece_ [_originally appeared_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/08/happiest-families/) _on_ [_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/)_._ ## Transcript Attachment parenting has really shifted mainstream American parenting, because the ideas have kind of filtered down to every modern American parent. Lots of people breast feed even if they're not into attachment parenting now, in fact, breast feeding rates are at the highest levels since the 1950s when formula was invented. Lots of people actually sleep with their babies in their beds now. Up to 20 % do that at some point which is. Really, really a new phenomenon. I'm Kate Pickert and I'm a staff writer at Time magazine and this week I wrote our cover story, about attachment parenting. And the, man who basically invented it, Doctor William Sears. So attachment parenting is, child rearing philosophy based on the idea that you should follow your instincts. And that your instincts as basically as a mother would need you be very close to your baby at all times. So there are three basic tenets to attachment parenting. One is breastfeeding and actually people that are into attachment parenting often breastfeed their kids until their toddlers, until their one, two, or even older. Another of the tenets is what Dr. Sears calls baby wearing, which is this idea that you should keep your baby close to your body at all times in a sling. And the third tenet of attachment parenting is [ MUSIC ] What people call co- sleeping, which is this idea that it's natural to keep your baby in bed with you at night so that mother and baby are close at all times. So Dr. Sears wrote a book in 1992 called The Baby Book. And it's really the attachment- parenting bible. So the book turns 20 this year. So we thought it was a good time to go back and kinda see where Dr. Sears came up with all of his ideas. It turns out actually that a lot of what he's taught has been intertwined with his own personal life. Dr. Sears wrote the baby book and, and over 40 other books as well, about parenting, pregnancy. Mostly with his wife, Martha. And it turns out Dr. Sears and Martha both had really difficult childhoods. Dr. Sears was raised by a single mom. His father left the family when he was only a month old. And Martha, her father died when she was four years old. And her mother was, had a lot of mental health issues. A lot of people who are attracted to attachment parenting are kind of reacting to their own childhoods as well. Lots of the mothers that I talked to, had difficult experiences, or just kind of not super close relationships with their own mothers, one of the things I noticed when I was with Doctor Sirius when he saw patients is how he is different then, maybe a typical pediatrician. One thing that seem different is he doesn't take babies and put then on in exam table, [ MUSIC ] He mostly does the exam while the baby is being held by the mother. With older kids he starts each exam by hugging the kids. But even if it seems awkward it usually makes the kids smile. And it just kind of, diffuses the seriousness of, of a you know, a doctor examining you. [ MUSIC ] When piece of criticism that doctor Ceres really fielded a lot is that he is you know, anti feminist, that you can't really be an attachment parent and wear your baby and breastfeed and stay up all night nursing your baby in bed, you have a job. [ MUSIC ] Dr Serious claims that attachment parenting is actually ideal for working moms cuz it's a way of you know being really close and connecting with your baby when you come home from work. But in practice it can be incredibly exhausting in a way that maybe doesn't allow some people to function enough during the day to get enough sleep to perform at their work You know I think a lot of people get into attached from parent feeling like I need to do this for my baby but I think some self examination would reveal that a lot, its a lot of parent own issues to that, that you know feed into that kind of how they decide to parent. And the good news is that in the end, data and research has shown that a kid that feels wanted and feels loved, is sort of on the right track. 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