By Melissa Locker
September 2, 2014

Welcome back to The Bachelor’s version of paradise, where love means always looking over your shoulder for something better. Last week, Clare left in a huff (maybe a minute and a huff) leaving Zack to give his rose to Jackie. Meanwhile Jesse got to juggle Christy, the nice-ish girl, and Lucy, the free spirit and ended up choosing both (nudge nudge, wink wink), but ultimately gave a rose to Christy. Also, Lacy had to go to the hospital after puking at the very thought of AshLee. It’s what passes for drama on this show.

Here’s what happened on Bachelor in Paradise:

Trouble in Paradise: Cody gave Michelle his rose, but he also gave her a serious wig-out by telling her that he loves her after they spent 24 hours together. He told her that his next girlfriend will be his wife, and Michelle is just not that into him. She decides to seek counsel from the bed-hopping puka-shell necklace, Jesse, who reminds her that she’s just supposed to be there to have fun. Speaking of fun, Cody thinks bench-pressing rocks on the beach is a blast.

Marcus and Lacy: Marcus has said the L word, but Lacy has not yet reciprocated. So the producers send them to recreate The Descent. There Lacy murders not Marcus, but the words stalactites and stalagmites, which she apparently has never heard before. Then she and Marcus swim through a cave and are attacked by bats. It’s very romantic. They face their fears together, and Lacy points out that “it’s so natural, in nature” and then they make out.

The New Kid on the Block: Brooks, who dumped Bachelorette Desiree in one of the most awkward breakups in Bachelor history, which is saying something, shows up on the beach with a date card in hand. Since everyone is paired up at this point, it’s a bit problematic. Robert and Zack pull Brooks aside to give him the rundown and Robert says straight out, “If you invite Sarah out, I will kill you.” So Brooks asks out Zack’s ostensible partner Jackie instead, and Zack really regrets not marking his territory better.

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Jackie and Brooks: The new couple heads to dinner at a restaurant in Tulum and midway through the meal, Brooks admits that he can’t actually be bothered to listen to Jackie talk, because she’s so darn cute. Then she beats him at foosball and his love for her is complete.

Robert and Sarah: While Sarah was having fun making out with Robert, when Brooks shows up, she admits that she actually came on the show to hang out with Brooks. She mulls dumping Robert for Brooks, but then comes to her darn senses. Robert invites her for a chat on the beach and tells her that when they get back to the real world, he wants to go on dates and explore their relationship and be a real couple.

Cody and Michelle: Michelle whacks Cody on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper and tells him to dial it down and he does. His willingness to be trained like a puppy makes Michelle like him more, and she’s in so long as he doesn’t piddle in excitement every time she walks in the room. Well, maybe a little.

Christy and Jesse: Christy finally realizes that Jesse is not just a tool, but the entire tool box. Michelle tells her that Jesse is spreading the news that he hooked up with both her and Lucy last week. Turns out that Christy knows the word misogynist and sleaze ball.

New Arrival: Tasos, who was cast aside by Andi Dorfman, arrives on the scene to sew some seeds of discord in paradise. He pulls Michelle aside, and Cody looks like he will eat Tasos like a taco if he asks her on a date. Instead, Tasos tells Michelle that she can’t go wrong with Cody and asks her advice on who to ask out. She wisely suggests Christy, who happily hops on the Tasos bus and rides far far away from Jesse.

Tasos and Christy: Tasos rides in like a white knight rescuing Christy from the walking disease vector that is Jesse. They take a boat ride to a private dock and Tasos manages not to stare at her remarkable sunburn and instead chivalrously asks for permission to kiss her and sweetly holds her hands. Jesse doesn’t stand a chance.

Zack and Jackie: Zack finally gets a date card and takes the opportunity to pick up Brooks’ sloppy seconds, which are sort of Zack’s sloppy seconds. Here’s a diagram. For their date, they go swimming in a cave, and Zack hopes things get “romantically.” To help that along, he pretends that he wasn’t in a relationship with Clare up until a few days ago and calls Jackie a “breath of fresh air.” Then they kiss.

The Cocktail Party: Zack sucks up to Jackie. Brooks sucks up to Jackie. AshLee sucks up to everyone else. Jesse sees the writing on the wall, but has no choice but to try and manipulate Christy, who he calls a “dumb blond.” He decides that he’s leaving, blaming Christy for not “opening up to him,” and telling the men “I’ve done everything I came here to accomplish.” Michelle and Lacy give Christy some tough love and hard truths and back her up when she goes to wreak her vengeance on the man. They surround Jesse’s getaway vehicle and talk his ear off until he slinks off in an equal mix of relief and arrogance. When Christy returns to the Rose Ceremony hut, Tasos fetches her a drink.

The Rose Ceremony: Lacy hands her rose to Marcus. AshLee gives hers to Graham. Sarah happily pins hers on Robert. Michelle plants her rose on Cody. Christy happily calls out Tasos’ name. Jackie decides to pass on Brooks and gives Zack her rose.

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Chris Harrison announces that this was the final Rose Ceremony of the season and next week everything will change. One can only hope that next week will be some sort of Sharknado crossover where everyone is eaten in a storm of flying sharks.

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