Welcome to Paradise City, a.k.a. Bachelor in Paradise, where the bachelors are clean (shaven) and the girls are gritty (fine, pretty). On this summertime prime-time time waster, the cast-offs of The Bachelor and The Bachlorette come together for a second chance at love with like-minded fame worshippers.
Last week, we met the contestants (Clare! Marcus! That other guy! No, no, the other guy! And a bunch of other people you barely remember from a show you watch while surfing Reddit!) and they started to pair off. The point of the show is either love or fame, in Paradise if not paradise, they go hand in hand, because if you pair off, you get roses, which means you get to stay on the show. Last week, though, Michelle K. found neither and left before the rose ceremony. This week, we get to find out why and even by The Bachelor standards, it’s a doozy.
Here’s what happened on this week’s Bachelor in Paradise:
The Drama: Apparently during preproduction the cast stayed at a nearby hotel, and during that time Michelle K. looked for love before the cameras even started rolling, because she is a real go-getter. She struck up a flirtation with a guest on the next-door balcony, and after a couple of days, Michelle unlocked the doors to their adjoining rooms for a DIY Fantasy Suite. (No word on rose petals strewn around the room.) Turns out Michelle’s conquest was a probably now unemployed crew member named Ryan Putz (really!) who apparently makes some pretty bad life choices on the regular. Gossip queen and host Chris Harrison decides he needs to get to the bottom of all this and goes to talk to Michelle, who wisely slams the door in his face and when speaking to a secretly microphoned producer refers to him as “just a host.” Zing! Chris does some excellent hosting as he tells the next part of the sordid tale.
The Re-enactment: Turns out that while Chris was not allowed in Michelle’s room, Ryan Putz (only full names for this guy) was more than welcome, however they didn’t want to get caught together. So when another producer knocked on the door during an assignation, Ryan Putz panicked and went to hide on the balcony, which Chris helpfully explains “is about 25 ft. up.” That’s when Ryan Putz decided to live up to his last name and dead-drop from the balcony to make his escape and The Bachelor entered the brave world of America’s Most Wanted–style re-enactments showing Ryan dangling from a balcony in fuzzy lighting. He landed in a world of pain and regret, screaming, “My job, my job it wasn’t worth it!” Cut to the hospital, where Ryan is recuperating with bandages around both of his feet and legs, claiming that he thought the balcony was only 6 ft. up. “I misjudged it,” he said. Michelle is probably saying the same thing about this show. So that explains why Michelle K. left and probably won’t be invited back. But you never know. This is The Bachelor after all.
The New Arrival: Chris Bukowski almost found love on Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette and then tried to crash Andi Dorfman’s season but was blocked at the gate. That means there are more men than women, and someone is going home.
First Date: Chris invites Clare for some pampering, which she is obviously down for. Chris admits that maybe he has not been the best guy, but that’s in the past and he has read a book that says he should say he has learned from his mistakes and is now ready to be the best boyfriend ever. After reciprocal massages, Clare buys it and declares herself ready to give Chris her “rose,” which is hopefully not a euphemism.
Elise and Dylan: There is ahem trouble in paradise. While Dylan and Elise were last week’s Couple Most Likely to Succeed (in hooking up on national television), this week, Dylan is feeling suffocated by Elise’s attention. He encourages her to go out and meet some of the other guys in their house just in case she hadn’t met them before. So she does and Clare spots Chris making out with Elise in the ocean and rethinks her whole rose-giving strategy.
The Second Arrival: Just as Clare is feeling down, she spies Zack Kalter walking up the beach to join the party. While bachelorette Desiree couldn’t pick Zack out of a lineup, he and Clare are friends from The Bachelor circuit, and she is thrilled to see him.
The Second Date: Zack is torn between his love for AshLee and his interest in Clare, but ultimately chooses Clare for his date. They splash on the beach, because there is nothing else to do in “paradise” apparently. Chris gnashes his teeth because he may have ruined his chances with Clare by making out with another girl in front of her.
The Backup Plan: Now that Clare is taken, Chris decides to go full force for Elise by calling Dylan names and insisting that he looks like a “bloated, tanner, Matt Damon from Good Will Hunting” and calling him “Fat Damon.” Elise isn’t swayed, though, as she still has her eyes on Dylan, but Dylan didn’t like the fact that she made out with Chris, even though he told her to go play the field. Elise is into that sort of double standard and still wants to go out with Dylan.
The Third Date: Dylan gets a date card, but doesn’t take Elise, because she needs to be punished for following his suggestions, and the producers won’t let him hit her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. So he invites her best friend Sarah instead. Sarah isn’t really down with it all, but then she is, and as she and Dylan walk along the beach they frequently announce how happy they are to be on a date.
The Drama, Part II: Marcus and Marquel “accidentally” find a love letter in Ben’s duffle bag. Clearly Marcus needs to confront Ben down at the bonfire in front of everyone else. Ben explains that he met this girl only three weeks before the show started, but admits that it is “real.” Clare overhears the news and goes to spread the good word so everyone can come watch the discussion, because there is absolutely nothing else to do on this island than watch people self-immolate. Ben realizes it was a mistake to come and recuses himself from the proceedings and Hollywood in general. As he stomps off, Michelle Money makes it all about her and starts crying because Ben took a spot of someone whom she could have made a connection with, but now she will never know.
The Rose Ceremony: With Ben gone, only one more man must be winnowed from the herd. Michelle is planning on giving her rose to Marquel, even though he gets in touch with his inner Oprah and point out how much she drinks. She gives him the rose anyway, because he’s Marquel. Also, Marquel should have his own talk show. Lacy gives her rose to Marcus, which makes sense as they have been stuck on each other like sucker fish (drunk sucker fish) the entire episode. AshLee gives her rose to Graham. Clare gives her rose to Zack. Elise attempts to give Dylan her rose, but he refuses it. He’s just not that into her. He is into Sarah, though, but she can’t betray her new BFF. Elise gives her sloppy seconds to Chris, who is more than willing to take them if it means he gets to stick around for another week. Sarah decides to skip Dylan and the drama that would come with him and instead gives her rose to Robert, who put a shirt on for the occasion.
Departures: Dylan is sad that Sarah didn’t believe he had real feelings for her, but is glad to be away from Elise, because “she is out of her mind.” Pot, kettle, meet Dylan.