5 Celebrities Who Want to Tell You How to Live

Gwyneth Paltrow is the Neil Armstrong of celebrity lifestyle websites: She made one small step for Goop, one giant leap for celeb-kind. Paltrow barely acts anymore, and instead spends most of her considerable energy turning Goop.com into a how-to guide for a perfect life, complete with recipes, resort recommendations and suggestions for the perfect white button-down shirt.

Don’t miss out on this delicious “Beet-Cured Gravlax” salmon, which apparently “takes a couple of days but is as easy as sprinkling salt onto a piece of fish.” Never be seen with a pathetic top-heavy bouquet again, since here’s your guide to flower arrangements by vase. Here’s a $500 exclusive monogrammable l’americano longboard for your kids to destroy immediately. And here’s how to get divorced, Goop-style.

Confused? We’ve got you covered with our Goop-to-English dictionary.

Jessica Alba’s “The Honest Company” is the most mommyish of all the celebrity lifestyle blogs, and sells things like diaper rash cream and soothing bottom wash. This description of a 3-pack of Organic Swaddles decorated with hot air balloons says it all:

Also, this explanation of a magic potion to keep your kid from getting sick:

Sounds serene.

Blake Lively became the newest addition to the celebrity lifestyle pantheon with Preserve, which just launched Monday. In her editor’s note, she calls Preserve a “creative space” that “honors the future, while having a love affair with the past…” The rest of her note reads kind of like spoken-word poetry:

And then:

And here’s the Preserve philosophy on “intimacy:”

But what can you buy that will “preserve” the “the ‘ahh’ of a warm bath?” Oh, maybe this $92 oyster platter? Or this $132 paint splattered T-shirt that you’ve been trying to burn for years? Or this old-timey $1,000 traveler’s satchel that’s made especially for those with a “flair for the far-flung?”

For all its preciousness, Preserve does have good intentions. It’s partnered with Covenant House, a nonprofit that supports trafficked and abused youth, and the company has promised to donate 5% of first-year purchases towards providing meals, blankets and warm clothing to at-risk young people.

Ellen announced earlier this month she’s starting her own lifestyle brand, which will focus on mid-price home decor items, clothing and pet toys. ““My goal is that people can have a beautiful house, a really comfortable house, without only being able to afford [very expensive] things,” she told Womens Wear Daily. The brand, set to be called E.D., is expected to launch later this year.

Reese Witherspoon’s unnamed lifestyle brand is set to launch in 2015, but she’s already hired C. Wonder president Andrea Hyde for her “omnichannel venture.” Witherspoon hasn’t announced much about what her lifestyle brand might include, except to hint that it would be heavily influenced by her Southern roots.