US actress Blake Lively poses as she arrives for the screening of the film "Captives" at the 67th edition of the Cannes Film Festival in Cannes, southern France, on May 16, 2014. VALERY HACHE--AFP/Getty Images
VALERY HACHE—AFP/Getty Images
July 18, 2014 4:38 PM EDT

When someone named Jonathan Van Meter interviews the actress who plays Serena Van der Woodsen, you just know it’s gonna be good, especially when it starts with a Blake Lively in overalls, Louboutins, and a poncho-blanket.

Here’s what we learned from Lively’s cover story in Vogue, which pitches her as the next big “celebrity homemaker.”

1) Blake Lively’s sense of humor is either genius or nonexistent:

Pro tip: If your friends have to say “hahahahaaaa” to let other people know you’re making a joke, maybe it’s not funny? Like this rather mean joke about a not-nice restaurant.

2) You do not want Blake Lively to be your editor:

Because you’ll never be allowed to use the word “thing:”

3) Martha Stewart is her Olivia Pope:

…And sent her Gladiators to save Blake’s wedding to Ryan Reynolds from total catastrophe:

It’s handled.

4) But even Martha couldn’t keep Florence Welch from ruining everything at her wedding!

With her dumb sparklers that destroyed Blake’s wedding dress and broke her heart:

You hear that? “Preserved…” Could the Florence Welch sparkler incident have provided the inspiration for Blake’s new lifestyle website, Preserve?

5) Blake is totally sick of being a young actress and wants to be an old actress already:

She’s sick of playing boring roles like Serena Van der Woodsen:

And wants instead to play “complex” roles like the super-young mother of super-old Ellen Burstyn in this new movie The Age of Adaline that sounds a lot like Tuck Everlasting. Because aging in Hollywood sounds like so much fun.

6) So she calls Ryan Reynolds “darling,” like an old-timey actress would do:

It was not immediately verifiable whether she pronounces it “darling” or “dahling.”

And wants him to be a patriarch:

7) She eats so much! Seriously, guys!

Who even knows how she stays so svelte?

This is where it would be great to have a friend go “hahahaaaa.”

Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for the next Gwyneth Paltrow.

Write to Charlotte Alter at charlotte.alter@time.com.

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