--- description: I’ve posted a great deal on working with difficult people and how to make people like you. What new research and expert advice can we... title: 5 Expert Ways to Deal With Difficult People — And Make Them Love You image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production --- * [Ideas](/section/ideas/) ## Ideas Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close * [Psychology](/tag/psychology/) ## Psychology Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close # 5 Expert Ways to Deal With Difficult People — And Make Them Love You by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Jul 9, 2014 4:01 AM CUT by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Jul 9, 2014 4:01 AM CUT I’ve posted a great deal on [working with difficult people](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/07/working-with-difficult-people/ "undefined") and [how to make people like you](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/how-to-make-people-like-you/ "undefined"). What new research and expert advice can we use to better deal with difficult people? ## The Feedback Sandwich Doesn’t Work — This Does Nobody likes delivering bad news. [Stanford’s Jeffrey Pfeffer](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/04/interview-stanford-mba-school-professor-teaches-secret-promotions-raises-power/ "undefined") recommends having someone else do it whenever possible. But what about when it’s unavoidable? Don’t do the old “feedback sandwich” of positive comment, negative comment, positive comment. **Research shows it’s better to be briefly negative and then offer an extended list of positives.** Via [The Man Who Lied to His Laptop: What We Can Learn About Ourselves from Our Machines](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003YUC7BI/?tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- (More on effectively giving feedback — from the guys at Pixar – [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/07/what-techniques-for-giving-feedback-do-they-u/ "undefined").) ## How To Respond To Impossible Questions “Which dress should I wear tonight?” Via [The Art of Civilized Conversation: A Guide to Expressing Yourself With Style and Grace](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000XUBDSK/?tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- “What did you think of my violin solo?” Via [The Art of Civilized Conversation: A Guide to Expressing Yourself With Style and Grace](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000XUBDSK/?tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- “Does this make me look fat?” Via [The Art of Civilized Conversation: A Guide to Expressing Yourself With Style and Grace](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000XUBDSK/?tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- “Do you like the present that I gave you?” Via [The Art of Civilized Conversation: A Guide to Expressing Yourself With Style and Grace](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000XUBDSK/?tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- (More secrets to clicking with people [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/11/5-secrets-clicking-people/ "undefined"). ) ## How To Go On The Offensive — Without Being Offensive You want to get them on your side to avoid conflict. But how? Repeated studies show that [flattery works](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2010/10/does-insincere-flattery-actually-work/ "undefined"). Via [The Man Who Lied to His Laptop: What We Can Learn About Ourselves from Our Machines](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003YUC7BI/?tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- But avoid “[fixed-mindset](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/good-parenting-skills/ "undefined")” praise; if you tell people their success is inevitable because of innate qualities it can be devastating when things don’t work out. Via [The Man Who Lied to His Laptop: What We Can Learn About Ourselves from Our Machines](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003YUC7BI/?tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- **People like others who they feel are “on their team” or who “do something just for them.”** When dealing with hostile or belligerent people, you can leverage this to make them feel closer to you. Via [The Man Who Lied to His Laptop: What We Can Learn About Ourselves from Our Machines](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003YUC7BI/?tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- (More on effective influence methods from persuasion guru Robert Cialdini[here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/robert-cialdini-influence/ "undefined").) ## When You Are Forced To Argue They won’t let it go. How can you deescalate without disengaging? **As always,** [**the key is listening**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/hostage-negotiation/ "undefined")**. And good listening means the other person** **_knows_** **you listened.** Here’s a great four step process for arguing — with minimal breaking of furniture. Via [Intuition Pumps And Other Tools for Thinking](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00AR354AQ/?tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- (More on how to win every argument [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/09/how-to-win-every-argument/ "undefined").) ## A Final Thought Remember that **the key is** [**never what you said, it’s what they heard**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/11/ten-rules-effective-language/ "undefined")**.** And if you want to make things better, **ignore what they said and focus on what they meant.** **Join 45K+ readers.** Get a free weekly update via email [here](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD "undefined"). Related posts: [How To Make People Like You: 6 Science-Based Conversation Hacks](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/how-to-make-people-like-you/ "undefined") [6 hostage negotiation techniques that will get you what you want](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/hostage-negotiation/ "undefined") [How To Win Every Argument](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/09/how-to-win-every-argument/ "undefined") _This piece originally appeared on_ [_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/ "undefined")_._ ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/2965845/5-expert-ways-to-deal-with-difficult-people-and-make-them-love-you/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/2965845/5-expert-ways-to-deal-with-difficult-people-and-make-them-love-you/"},"headline":"5 Expert Ways to Deal With Difficult People — And Make Them Love You","datePublished":"2014-07-09T04:01:56.000Z","dateModified":"2026-04-13T08:54:21.968Z","description":"I’ve posted a great deal on working with difficult people and how to make people like you. 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