• Mr. Peanut’s response to a New York Times piece about hipsters’ new obsession with the monocle: “I guess they understand what success on a man’s face looks like.”
• Former NBA star Shaquille O’Neal is trying to crowdfund a Street Fighter–style video game called Shaq-Fu. Among the donation perks: he’ll follow you on Instagram (for $500) or invite you to his house for lunch (for $15,000).
• Cronutmaker Dominique Ansel recently unveiled a milk-and-cookie shot, which may be the only thing we eat this week.
• Two students at MIT are trying to create a text-to-GIF translator, so we can finally answer that age-old question, How would Hamlet hold up as a Real Housewives fight scene?
Price that Pabst Blue Ribbon (a.k.a. PBR) is expected to fetch; the 170-year-old brewery, which is for sale, has experienced massive sales growth in recent years despite spending almost nothing on ads
Yes, those are robots, and yes, they’re doing what you think they’re doing. The pole-dancing droids, seen here on March 9 at a technology trade fair in Hannover, Germany, are courtesy of Tobit Software and are designed to mimic the moves of exotic dancers: their hips gyrate, their hands wave, and–most exotic of all–their heads look like surveillance cameras.
‘I was detrimental to my own career.’
JUSTIN BIEBER, during a deposition for a lawsuit alleging that one of his bodyguards assaulted a photographer; Bieber meant to say instrumental
If it feels as if Crews is everywhere, that’s because he is: you can catch the 45-year-old actor in The Single Moms Club (in theaters March 14), on the recently renewed Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Wednesdays on Fox) and in the upcoming football flick Draft Day (out April 11).
You’ve got some big entrances in The Single Moms Club. Do you identify with your character’s urge to make a scene?
I am an official slow-roasted, honey-baked ham. Ever since I was a kid, my thing is that I love attention.
Has that decreased with age?
Now I’ve learned to wait till I get a check to do it! My wife is like, You know, that’s really good, but why don’t you save it and sell it?
Did you ever have to try as hard as your character does to get a date?
When I was a kid I didn’t have any girlfriends. I was a very nerdy-type dude. Believe me, being a ham does not turn girls on.
What’s it like to do a football movie like Draft Day, having been in the NFL for real?
What I don’t like when I see sports movies is that they usually turn out to be puff pieces. Baseball movies are kind of ridiculous. They turn into the magic of the ball and the magic of having a bat and the magic of walking into a park. It’s not that magical.
But I love baseball movies …
What’s so cool about Draft Day is it showed the warts, all the problems, the fact that people are treated like commodities and that relationships are very hard to keep in the NFL. Your personal relationships suffer. It’s a high-profile job that’s hard as hell.
Do football and acting have anything in common?
Your performance is what’s going to get you to the next level. That’s totally parallel.
Celebrity Comic Books
Girls star Lena Dunham will write a four-part Archie comic, cementing her status as the ultimate multitasking millennial. But the 27-year-old wunderkind is not alone. Here, a look at other well-known figures who have turned to the funny pages–and the not-so-funny pages–to make their mark.
BILL HADER AND SETH MEYERS
Amazing Spider-Man: The Short Halloween
The SNL pals co-wrote a tale about a drunken Spidey impostor who takes the webbed one’s place.
Occult Crimes Taskforce
A detective modeled after the actress joins a covert police squad that patrols an otherworldly NYC district.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
The superhero-movie fixture co-wrote a sci-fi story about an outlaw stranded on a civil-war-torn planet.
Frenemy of the State
Jones turned a Paris Hilton–inspired fantasy into a spy thriller about a socialite who doubles as a CIA agent.
THE LIGHT BRIGADE
This may look like a promo photo from a Mummy sequel set in the distant future, but it’s actually of and by Janne Parviainen, who has wrapped himself in LED lights. By leaving his camera shutter open for an extended period of time–instead of the quick snaps we casual photographers take–the Finnish artist can turn traces of flickering or moving lights into solid, glowing lines that all but eclipse the man behind them. It’s a technique known as light painting, and Parviainen has said he sees it as a way to take a look at “a parallel universe which only the camera can capture.” Come to think of it, that sounds like a great idea for a movie set in the distant future …
• Oscar Mayer is touting a smartphone attachment that can wake users with the smell of bacon. Alas, it’s available only to contest winners.
• Some 11% of Americans think HTML is an STD, according to a survey by e-coupon firm VoucherCloud. It’s actually a programming language.
• Kesha has dropped the dollar sign from her name, which is very $ad.
• Miley Cyrus tweeted a photo of herself holding a fist-shaped sex toy called the Hand of Adonis. Anyone know where we can find an emoji for “TMI”?
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This appears in the March 24, 2014 issue of TIME.