Dark Souls 2 Launch Trailer Mocks You, as It Should

The most important game to hit this side of E3 is out tomorrow, and no, it’s not Titanfall. That’s the launch trailer up top. You know we’re talking about you, Final Fantasy X HD.

Just kidding, though I’m stoked about Square Enix’s high fidelity update, and it is out tomorrow, too.

But you’re here to see the Dark Souls 2 launch trailer, because you’re planning to stand in line somewhere tonight, and come midnight, buy a copy before scurrying home for a sleepless night followed by a workless day spent, err, working your way through a Sisyphean exercise in armchair masochism. Because you can’t wait until April for the Windows version. Because this is Dark Souls 2, and what else are you going to play? Some giant online robot combat game?

Just kidding, Titanfall, you’re pretty terrific yourself. But Respawn and Microsoft are all about the “parkour style wall running” and “massive double jumps” and “Life is better with a Titan” blurbing in this sheet attached to my review copy.

Dark Souls 2? Dark Souls 2 just makes fun of you. “You will die, that much is certain,” says the narrator in the trailer. It’s also just as non sequitur-ish as Dark Souls. If you watch the trailer long enough, you might think you’re in a music video for Jethro Tull’s “Locomotive Train,” because you are, which sounds like…well, whatever sound a pair of waterskis sailing over a dorsal fin makes. Though when you stop and think about that song’s lyrics, I’m not sure anything says Dark Souls better.

Write to Matt Peckham at matt.peckham@time.com.