Presented By
Kevin Winter—Getty Images

Host Ellen DeGeneres kicked off the Oscar ceremony with a straight-up stand-up monologue. She wasn’t quite in the same league as Tina and Amy at The Globes, but she landed a few solid jokes. Here are the ones that grabbed the Academy audience.

On the Weather: “For those of you watching around the world, it’s been a tough couple of days for us. It has been raining. We’re fine. Thank you for your prayers.”

On the Elderly: “June Squibb is nominated for Nebraska. At 84 she is the oldest nominee. She was wonderful in Nebraska. (Addressing Squibb) I’M TELLING EVERYONE YOU WERE WONDERFUL IN NEBRASKA.”

(PHOTOS: Your Favorite Celebs on the Red Carpet)

On Actors from Foreign Countries: “Lupita Nyong’o is here. She is from Kenya. She is a Kenyan. Barkhad Abdi from Captain Phillips is here. He is nominated He is from Somalia. He is a sommelier. So he knows a lot about wine. Who’s the wine captain now?!?!?”

On Hollywood Narcissism: “I’m not saying movies are the most important thing in the world, because we all know the most important thing in the world is youth. But really, we know that the most important thing in life is love and friendship and family. And if people don’t have those things, they usually get into show business. We are all one big, frightened family.”

On Top Nominees: “One of the nominees is her. And by ‘her’ I mean Meryl Streep.”

(PHOTOS: TIME’s Portraits of the Winning Actors from the 2014 Oscars)

To Jennifer Lawrence, who tripped last year and stumbled on a parking cone on the way to this year’s show: “If you win tonight, I think we should bring you the Oscar.”

On Oscar Vanity: “I’m not going to say who looks the most beautiful, but it’s clear: It’s Jared Leto.”

On Dallas Buyer’s Club: “It deals with the important issue of people who have sex at rodeos.”

More Must-Reads From TIME

Contact us at

You May Also Like