Punchlines: Aug. 21, 2006

"[With the higher terrorism alert,] the only fluid now being allowed onboard a plane is baby formula. The passengers took a vote and said they'd rather be blown up than hear a baby scream for six hours." BILL MAHER

"Tour de France winner Floyd Landis is now claiming that he tested positive for steroids because he had 'accidentally ingested testosterone from another source.' Apparently, Landis accidentally ate Barry Bonds." CONAN O'BRIEN

"America's like a car, and the President is like our father, taking the country on a cross-country trip to freedom. The last thing he needs to do is be pestered by a bunch of brats yelling, 'When are we going to get there?,' 'Why is the sky blue?' and 'Do you have an exit strategy?'" STEPHEN COLBERT

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