Punchlines: Dec. 5, 2005
"After 25 years on the air, Ted Koppel hosted his final episode of Nightline. Immediately after the show, he drove upstate and released his hair into the wild."
--CONAN O'BRIEN
"What a big movie event, the Harry Potter blockbuster. How many of you saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Goo? Unbelievable--over $100 million. That brought in more cash than a Tom DeLay barbecue."
--DAVID LETTERMAN
"Last night people lined up waiting to buy the Xbox 360. Grown men camped out overnight. Kind of sad, but the good news is [it] was the first time any of them had ever slept with other people."
--JIMMY KIMMEL
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MARTHA STEWART, when asked about the insider-trading scandal that, by her estimates, cost her company more than a billion dollars
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