Happily ever after?
Tonight Kaitlyn’s journey on The Bachelorette draws to a close, and as the preshow prompter asks, “Will Kaitlyn choose jealous Shawn or passionate, intense Nick,” which makes both of them sound like total duds. Will the show end in a proposal? A double dumping? Will she pull a Mesnick? Or some new iteration? Let’s find out.
Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:
Kaitlyn’s Family Time: Kaitlyn meets her family in some anonymous mansion in a sunny clime. She tells her family that she’s in love, but admits in the interview that she may be in love with two men. She also told her family that the two finalists really hate each other and that she hooked up Nick. (Who tells their parents that?) While Kaitlyn begs her family to ignore everything they know about Nick from his last appearance on The Bachelorette, her wise mother Leslie pointed out that she shouldn’t have to completely discount her opinion of Nick from his time on Andi’s season, because it was a thing that happened.
Nick Meets the Family: Nick kindly/smartly brings wine and flowers to meet Kaitlyn’s happily blended family. First question out of Leslie’s mouth: Why are you here, Nick? Leslie should be fast-tracked to sainthood. Over lunch at some mystery mansion (it’s a rental, and I have the press release to prove it) Leslie admits that her opinion of Nick was not very flattering, which is when the producers cut to Kaitlyn saying that if her mother doesn’t like a guy, she’s out. For her one on one with Nick, Leslie strings together a group of unflattering adjectives about his behavior with Andi, and Nick just nods and smiles and says he loves Kaitlyn and only came on the show for her. Then he says about Kaitlyn, “It’s hard for her to open up” — and the fact that he said that with a straight face is a testament to Botox. Then Nick starts crying while asking Leslie for her daughter’s hand in marriage. And just like that, Leslie is Team Nick. Moms are silly like that. Kaitlyn’s sister Haley (Hailey? Halley? Halee?) just hopes that Nick is there for the right reasons, a line she was probably waiting the entire season to say.
Shawn Meets the Family: Shawn shows up to the rental in a button-up shirt that truly impresses Leslie, but despite his tucked-in shirt, she has a few questions for him. Specifically, she wants to know how Shawn is dealing with the fact that Kaitlyn and Nick hooked up. She wants to know how he will deal with jealousy in the outside world, because he didn’t do such a great job on the show. Shawn delivers some squishy answers and just keeps saying that he acted like that just because his feelings for Kaitlyn are so strong, which sounds like the noise a giant red flag makes when it’s waving over someone’s oversize head. For some reason, Kaitlyn’s sister Haley has decided that she’s fully Team Shawn. She claims it’s because she thinks Kaitlyn is good with him, but really it’s because she saw the last episode and knows that Shawn wears Spanx.
Bachelorette Milestone: Kaitlyn stares off into the middle distance before her final date with Nick.
Nick’s Final Date: Kaitlyn and Nick float their boat and stare into each others’ eyes and talk about how great it is that they are where they are. Presumably the editors cut the part where they wonder why they are on a catamaran off the coast of California instead of in Bali or Thailand or the Pearl Islands. What happened to your travel budget, show? As Kaitlyn gets ready for her dinner date, she tells that camera that “He goes there,” and there is no interest in finding out if that’s a euphemism. Nick shows up for their dinner in a fugly striped shirt unbuttoned to his nipple line and Kaitlyn takes a long sip of wine as she starts to question her taste in men. They head to the Fantasy Suite and Nick tells Kaitlyn that he has a present for her in the bedroom. Um, she already unwrapped that present and told her mom about it, Nick. Turns out it wasn’t that, but a poem. Why do so many Bachelorette contestants all insist on writing poems? Just buy her some Chipotle and give her a back massage, you weirdos. Kaitlyn tells the camera that she is in love with Nick.
Shawn’s Final Date: The happy couple canoodles in a winery, and Shawn casually asks her, “What else is going on?” And instead of talking about the Iran deal and the implications for Israel or an ingrown hair on her tush, Kaitlyn shrugs, “Nothing.” Then they stare awkwardly at each other for way too long. The uncomfortable date made Shawn question his relationship status, so for their final date, they just hang out on the couch in Shawn’s executive suite at the Long Beach Airport Marriott or wherever they stuck him. Kaitlyn interviews that “it was all her fault” that the date when badly. Don’t blame yourself, Kaitlyn, Shawn is needy and anxious. Shawn presents Kaitlyn with a jar full of memories and they laugh at all that time they spent in San Antonio. Based on the bleak edit Shawn is getting, Kaitlyn will probably choose him, so it’s good that Shawn can’t wait to propose to Kaitlyn.
Bachelorette Milestone: Kaitlyn cries to the camera over the fact that she knows she is going to break someone’s heart tomorrow. It kills her to say good-bye to someone who doesn’t see it coming.
The Rings: Neil Lane shows up for his annual appearance with a case of diamond rings in tow. Shawn picks a massive square-cut diamond. Nick is really convinced that Kaitlyn is going to pull an Andi and show up at his door and tell him to go home. Instead, it’s just Neil Lane. Nick hugs him in glee and then chirpily tells him that he picked a ring before, but then got jilted, which is not exactly something to brag about. Then he tells Neil about the claddagh rings they got in Ireland and Neil shrugs, “That’s nice. Want to look at some real rings, chucklehead?”
The Limo Ride: The camera cuts back and forth between Nick and Shawn making anxious faces, twisting their hands nervously, staring at the massive diamond rings someone just handed them.
The Arrivals: First to arrive at the mansion is Nick, which does not bode well for his future with Kaitlyn. Nick delivers his whole spiel, telling her how much he loves her and wants to spend his life with her. She lets him roll, but kindly cuts him off before he drops to one knee. She looks like she is going to pass out before she utters two fatal words: “I’m sorry.” While she promised Nick that she wouldn’t let it get to this point, she totally did. (Oops?) She tells him that she needed every moment to make the decision, but he’s not impressed. He loved her. She claims that she feels the same, but he stops her, “No, you don’t. If you did you would have a ring on your finger right now.” He coldly tells her, “You don’t love me.” In short: he’s out. That makes him 0-2 for The Bachelorette. Think he’ll go for a third or just start tweeting at the other former Bachelor runner-ups? Wonder what Becca is up to these days …
The Proposal: So it turns out that Kaitlyn’s Snapchat was not a red herring. She wants to spend her life (a.k.a. the next six months until the contract is up) waking up to stare into the face of a guy who looks like Ryan Gosling, if Ryan Gosling got hit in the face with that shovel that sounds like Nirvana. Kaitlyn has pulled herself together (although her hair needs a fluffer) and beams at Shawn as he approaches her. He delivers a heartfelt speech about how much he loves her. She reminds him that she gave him the First Impression Rose and never looked back. She finally tells him that she loves him with all her heart and will love him forever (or six months, which ever comes first). He proposes, she pins a rose on him, and tell the world that they are in love. For now.
After the Final Rose: For some reason, Nick’s little sister is in the audience to watch him suffer at the hands of Chris Harrison and Kaitlyn. Hopefully she’ll leap from the stage and demand answers from Kaitlyn about why she lied about seeing her as a future sister. Nick finally explains that he and Kaitlyn had a relationship that pre-existed The Bachelorette. He came on the show to prove his feelings were real and was hurt by her rejection, but has grown, much like his beard. Chris Harrison asks Nick and Shawn if they want to hug it out — turns out they don’t.
Kaitlyn and Nick: At the last After the Final Rose, Nick asked Andi why she slept with him if she didn’t love him. This time, he wants to know why Kaitlyn told him she loved him, but then chose Shawn. She tells him that she did love him, but she just didn’t love him as much as she loved Shawn. Ouch. That honest enough for you, Nick? Nick also wonders why Kaitlyn didn’t send him home earlier, but she doesn’t have as pithy of an answer, shrugging that she wanted him to look good?
Kaitlyn and Shawn: Kaitlyn said it feels like Christmas to come out as a couple, because now they can share Spanx. Shawn is thrilled to finally be out in the open, because he can’t wait to defend his woman against the cyberbullies. Then they make out on the couch for an awkwardly long time. Awww?