TIME Television

Bachelor In Paradise Watch: Twists, Shouts and An Engagement: Recap

CHRIS HARRISON, CHRIS SIEGFRIED, DESIREE HARTSOCK, SEAN LOWE, CATHERINE LOWE, JASON MESNICK, MOLLY MESNICK
BACHELOR IN PARADISE - "Episode 107" - This week on the surprising season finale of "Bachelor in Paradise," Chris Harrison returns to give the remaining cast a shocking ultimatum -- if they cannot see their relationship transitioning into their lives back home, they must leave paradise immediately. With emotions running higher than ever, a series of dramatic breakups ensue. After the dust settles, Chris Harrison returns and surprises the remaining couples with romantic overnight dates, on the season finale of "Bachelor in Paradise," MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 8 (8:00-10:00 p.m. ET/PT), on ABC. (ABC/Francisco Roman) CHRIS HARRISON, CHRIS SIEGFRIED, DESIREE HARTSOCK, SEAN LOWE, CATHERINE LOWE, JASON MESNICK, MOLLY MESNICK Francisco Roman—ABC

The best expulsion from Paradise since Adam and Eve

Welcome to the finale of Bachelor in Paradise. Going into the season ender, the couples are as follows: Lacy and Marcus, AshLee and Graham, Robert and Sarah, Michelle and Cody (still, really), and then couples of necessity Zack and Jackie and Tasos and Christy. Last week, Chris Harrison promised a twist. This week, he explains: He wants everyone to take a long, hard look at their relationship and decide if their fake-cation spring fling will work in the real world. Chris ominously warns the contestants, “Don’t fool yourself, don’t fool each other, and don’t try to fool me.” Here’s what happened on Bachelor in Paradise:

Lacy and Marcus: They want to get married. This second, ideally, with Chris Harrison officiating and Clare’s raccoon friend bearing witness. They spend the rest of the episode canoodling.

AshLee and Graham: AshLee admits that she loves Graham “to an extent,” and says that she wants to “serve him more” and “love on him more” because she sees a “spiritual, emotional, romantic” relationship with him. Lacy rolls her eyes in super slow motion and Michelle decides she needs to go talk to her IRL BFF Graham that very second. AshLee thinks Michelle is going to tell Graham how much AshLee loves him. She’s not. She tells Graham that she doesn’t think AshLee is right for him and is a big old fake. She encourages him to have a long talk with AshLee, which she does. Then Graham takes AshLee for a walk on the beach, where he proceeds to dump her, because he doesn’t really see a future with her. As AshLee goes to cry on a rock, Michelle comes to console Graham, who doesn’t really need consoling. With tears running down her face, AshLee gets in a car and leaves without saying goodbye to anyone. Graham knows it was the right decision, even though he has to leave paradise alone. He does his best to make an appropriately sad face as he drives off in to the sunset.

Robert and Sarah: They had their Big Talk last week, so they quickly decide that they are in it to win it, whatever “it” is. Possibly, sunburn.

Jackie and Zack: Jackie isn’t quite ready to commit, while Zack is interested in pursuing things in some sort of hunter-prey scenario. He respects her decision, though, because he’s that kind of guy — excuse me — man. They bid farewell and brace for their expulsion from paradise.

Christy and Tasos: They readily admit that they probably aren’t in love, but are in the would consider posting bail if no one else was available and they didn’t have to put their car up as collateral stage of the relationship. They hug each other and make their farewells.

Michelle and Cody: Cody is ready to marry Michelle right then and there. If Michelle doesn’t feel exactly the same way, “it’s gonna hurt.” For her part, Michelle is still trying to picture a future with a warm-hearted Tintin-haired meatball in a tiny tank. She calls her 8-year old daughter for advice and the little girl doles out some excellent relationship tips. She points out that it doesn’t matter if he’s cute or not, but whether they have a lot in common. It’s clear who is the Rory Gilmore in the relationship. Michelle realizes she needs more time with Cody.

The Test: With three couples remaining, Chris Harrison comes to chat. He isn’t surprised to see Marcus and Lacy, is glad that Sarah and Robert found each other in Tulum, even though they live ten minutes apart from each other in LA (oh please, nothing in LA is ten minutes from anywhere) and makes Michelle and Cody explain what in the heck they are still doing together. Michelle just coos and smiles, while Cody wisely remains mute. Chris explains that their next “test” is a night in a Fantasy Suite. Michelle is not ready for that. Has she mentioned that she’s a mother? Maybe she can sort this all out over dinner.

Michelle and Cody, Part II: Cody thinks Michelle could be his future wife. Michelle interviews that she doesn’t know which way she will go, but is very afraid of another failed relationship. Cody talks her down, assuring her that he will do whatever it takes to make it work and to make her happy. After that speech, Michelle collapses into a big pile of goo that Cody rushes to the Fantasy Suite.

Sarah and Robert, Part II: Sarah is “really excited” to have some alone time with Robert. Robert is also present for the occasion.

Marcus and Lacy, Part II: Marcus hopes that during their last night in paradise, Lacy finally says the three little words he’s been yearning to hear since Andi Dorfman dumped him. She tells him, ” My heart’s all yours,” and “You’re everything I ever wanted,” and then finally, “I love you.” Then they go back to making out, this time in front of a rose petal-strewn bed, which the cameraman pretends is not at all awkward.

The Morning After: The next morning, Marcus and Lacy float in on a cloud and a wave of “I love you”s. Michelle and Cody burst in on a sunbeam and announces that she’s “very sore,” which is a lot of information for primetime. Cody jumps in that he “might have marked some things off his bucket list last night.” Michelle announces that she has “a boyfriend.” They are beaming. Sarah and Robert, however, have a little grey cloud hanging over their head. Sarah interviews that Robert went to sleep with his jeans on under the covers and they really just went to sleep, which is not a euphemism. Sarah is really sad.

The Talk: Sarah goes to explain to Robert that she’s disappointed that he went straight to bed last night and didn’t stay up to talk, let alone make out. She felt “not loved.” He swears he had a great time last night and that he “told a bunch of people he was falling in love with her.” Sarah tells him that she’s not getting what she needs out of the relationship and ends it, which is bold, but right on, sister. Robert says he’s upset, but doesn’t really try to argue with her. He just walks off to leave. She goes to explain to Lacy and Michelle that she ended it, because she realized that if “a guy doesn’t want to make out with you,” he’s just not that into you. Robert claims he liked taking it slow and has a hard time with saying the l-word. Maybe they will work this all out when they run into each other at the local Coffee Bean.

The Reinforcements: To help the two remaining couples learn to function in the real world, Chris Harrison calls in some reinforcements: Bachelor Sean and his now-wife, Catherine, Bachelorette star Desiree and her fiancé, Chris, and indecisive Bachelor Jason and his wife Molly, who were all happy to take a Bachelor-funded vacation. They assure the world that these couples are legit. For real. Stop that eye-rolling immediately.

The Final Rose: Under the watchful eyes of the successful franchise couples, Cody and Michelle say their vows and hand each other roses. Then Marcus and Lacy completely upstage them by getting actually engaged. The Bachelor winners all cheer from the roof deck, “One of us! One of us!” as the happy couple makes out.

All’s Well That Ends With A Renewal Notice: While it may be the end of the season, it’s not the end of the show as ABC has renewed Bachelor in Paradise for another year. Yay? See you next year in paradise.

Post Script: Cody is moving to Utah to be with Michelle and her daughter. Lacy is moving to Dallas to be with her fiance. Chris and Elise broke up after two weeks.

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TIME Television

Bachelor in Paradise RECAP: Love and Other Demons

JACKIE PARR, BROOKS FORESTER
Francisco Roman—ABC

Trouble in paradise (again)

Welcome back to The Bachelor’s version of paradise, where love means always looking over your shoulder for something better. Last week, Clare left in a huff (maybe a minute and a huff) leaving Zack to give his rose to Jackie. Meanwhile Jesse got to juggle Christy, the nice-ish girl, and Lucy, the free spirit and ended up choosing both (nudge nudge, wink wink), but ultimately gave a rose to Christy. Also, Lacy had to go to the hospital after puking at the very thought of AshLee. It’s what passes for drama on this show.

Here’s what happened on Bachelor in Paradise:

Trouble in Paradise: Cody gave Michelle his rose, but he also gave her a serious wig-out by telling her that he loves her after they spent 24 hours together. He told her that his next girlfriend will be his wife, and Michelle is just not that into him. She decides to seek counsel from the bed-hopping puka-shell necklace, Jesse, who reminds her that she’s just supposed to be there to have fun. Speaking of fun, Cody thinks bench-pressing rocks on the beach is a blast.

Marcus and Lacy: Marcus has said the L word, but Lacy has not yet reciprocated. So the producers send them to recreate The Descent. There Lacy murders not Marcus, but the words stalactites and stalagmites, which she apparently has never heard before. Then she and Marcus swim through a cave and are attacked by bats. It’s very romantic. They face their fears together, and Lacy points out that “it’s so natural, in nature” and then they make out.

The New Kid on the Block: Brooks, who dumped Bachelorette Desiree in one of the most awkward breakups in Bachelor history, which is saying something, shows up on the beach with a date card in hand. Since everyone is paired up at this point, it’s a bit problematic. Robert and Zack pull Brooks aside to give him the rundown and Robert says straight out, “If you invite Sarah out, I will kill you.” So Brooks asks out Zack’s ostensible partner Jackie instead, and Zack really regrets not marking his territory better.

(MORE: The Bachelor Picks Its New Star: Chris Soules)

Jackie and Brooks: The new couple heads to dinner at a restaurant in Tulum and midway through the meal, Brooks admits that he can’t actually be bothered to listen to Jackie talk, because she’s so darn cute. Then she beats him at foosball and his love for her is complete.

Robert and Sarah: While Sarah was having fun making out with Robert, when Brooks shows up, she admits that she actually came on the show to hang out with Brooks. She mulls dumping Robert for Brooks, but then comes to her darn senses. Robert invites her for a chat on the beach and tells her that when they get back to the real world, he wants to go on dates and explore their relationship and be a real couple.

Cody and Michelle: Michelle whacks Cody on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper and tells him to dial it down and he does. His willingness to be trained like a puppy makes Michelle like him more, and she’s in so long as he doesn’t piddle in excitement every time she walks in the room. Well, maybe a little.

Christy and Jesse: Christy finally realizes that Jesse is not just a tool, but the entire tool box. Michelle tells her that Jesse is spreading the news that he hooked up with both her and Lucy last week. Turns out that Christy knows the word misogynist and sleaze ball.

New Arrival: Tasos, who was cast aside by Andi Dorfman, arrives on the scene to sew some seeds of discord in paradise. He pulls Michelle aside, and Cody looks like he will eat Tasos like a taco if he asks her on a date. Instead, Tasos tells Michelle that she can’t go wrong with Cody and asks her advice on who to ask out. She wisely suggests Christy, who happily hops on the Tasos bus and rides far far away from Jesse.

Tasos and Christy: Tasos rides in like a white knight rescuing Christy from the walking disease vector that is Jesse. They take a boat ride to a private dock and Tasos manages not to stare at her remarkable sunburn and instead chivalrously asks for permission to kiss her and sweetly holds her hands. Jesse doesn’t stand a chance.

Zack and Jackie: Zack finally gets a date card and takes the opportunity to pick up Brooks’ sloppy seconds, which are sort of Zack’s sloppy seconds. Here’s a diagram. For their date, they go swimming in a cave, and Zack hopes things get “romantically.” To help that along, he pretends that he wasn’t in a relationship with Clare up until a few days ago and calls Jackie a “breath of fresh air.” Then they kiss.

The Cocktail Party: Zack sucks up to Jackie. Brooks sucks up to Jackie. AshLee sucks up to everyone else. Jesse sees the writing on the wall, but has no choice but to try and manipulate Christy, who he calls a “dumb blond.” He decides that he’s leaving, blaming Christy for not “opening up to him,” and telling the men “I’ve done everything I came here to accomplish.” Michelle and Lacy give Christy some tough love and hard truths and back her up when she goes to wreak her vengeance on the man. They surround Jesse’s getaway vehicle and talk his ear off until he slinks off in an equal mix of relief and arrogance. When Christy returns to the Rose Ceremony hut, Tasos fetches her a drink.

The Rose Ceremony: Lacy hands her rose to Marcus. AshLee gives hers to Graham. Sarah happily pins hers on Robert. Michelle plants her rose on Cody. Christy happily calls out Tasos’ name. Jackie decides to pass on Brooks and gives Zack her rose.

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Chris Harrison announces that this was the final Rose Ceremony of the season and next week everything will change. One can only hope that next week will be some sort of Sharknado crossover where everyone is eaten in a storm of flying sharks.

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TIME TV

The Bachelorette: Read the Letter Nick Wrote Andi to Win Her Back

Celebrity Sightings In New York City - July 29, 2014
Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray from 'The Bachelorette' appear on "Good Morning America" Raymond Hall—GC Images

Best read with Adele in the background

Bachelorette watchers have come to expect a particularly intimate view of the evolution of a relationship. But ABC producers have now exposed fans to the other side of made-for-TV romance: the anatomy of a break-up.

At 5:22 p.m. Monday, hours before the winner was revealed, a post titled “Andi’s Mystery Letter” appeared on the show’s official Facebook page. We now know the content to be the musings of Bachelorette loser Nick Viall, who sported a face more sullen than guest star Grumpy Cat during Monday night’s three-hour season finale.

During the “After the Final Rose” special, producers showed footage of Nick attempting to confront Andi face-to-face (apparently for the second time) during the taping of the “Men Tell All” special. After the now-engaged Dorfman refused to see him, producers handed her a note–now available for all the Internet to see.

“You lit me up,” Viall writes in a letter best read while listening to Adele in the background.

You made me feel those things that people go a lifetime to find, and I feel like I made you feel the same… Let’s just call it what it was–our relationship was very much the road less traveled. I totally get that all the passion, intensity, and connections that we had were accompanied by fear and sometimes discomfort. There is a reason why very few are willing to take the road less traveled. It can be scary, challenging, and risky, but if you have the courage to take it, it usually ends up being amazing.

The rest can be read here.

Viall told Us Weekly, “I was in no way ashamed of what was in that letter, I knew by giving it to her, that was a possibility and I accepted that.”

No word yet on whether Viall feels bad about breaking Bachelorette code and going public what went on in the Fantasy Suite while finally granted his long-awaited sit-down with his ex during Monday’s show.

“Knowing how in love with you I was,” Nick said, “If you weren’t in love with me, I’m just not sure why, why you made love with me?”

ABC declined to comment on the letter.

Read More on The Bachelorette:

The Bachelorette Finale is Terrifying if You Know Nothing about the Show

Who Will Be the Next Bachelor: Nick V., Farmer Chris or Grumpy Cat?

Bachelorette Finale: Andi Makes Her Choice

TIME Television

Who Will Be the Next Bachelor: Nick V., Farmer Chris or Grumpy Cat?

Craig Sjodin /ABC/American Broadcasting Companies, Inc. /2014

#TeamMarquel

Who is the next star of The Bachelor?

After The Bachelorette star Andi Dorfman made her choice, fans’ attention quickly shifted from Nick or Josh to who would star in the next installment of the popular franchise. The star is usually announced during the After the Final Rose show, but last night, host Chris Harrison pat popular Bachelorette contestant Farmer Chris on the shoulder and said the decision would be made later. Who or what could the show be waiting on?

One guess is that the producers were testing finalist Nick V.’s audience appeal during his appearance on last night’s After the Final Rose show. While Nick may have earned some sympathy votes from soft-hearted fans sad to see him discarded in the final moments of the show, his frequent attempts to see Andi in person went from seeking closure to full-on creepy. Plus, his decision to shame Andi for sleeping with him in the Fantasy Suite when she wasn’t convinced she should marry him was unnecessary and harsh, especially as it’s been a longstanding Bachelor tradition that what happens in the Fantasy Suite stays in the Fantasy Suite. After that display — and in the wake of least favorite Bachelor Juan Pablo Galavis — Nick’s most likely out of the running to be America’s next top bachelor.

If the producers are looking for the anti-Juan Pablo, they need look no farther than Farmer Chris. The Iowa native is a sweet, soft-spoken man who has proven himself to be a fan favorite (one fan even gave him her phone number during The Men Tell All episode). Aside from the fact that she sent him packing, he also has Andi’s seal of approval. “I mean, look at him,” she told People. “Chris has the whole package. He is the all-American guy who is a farmer who does not look like a farmer, but he’s also successful and he’s ready for a family. He’s going to be a great husband and a great father.”

However, the producers may be concerned that casting Chris could turn The Bachelor franchise into an unwanted reboot of another reality show — the blessedly short-lived Farmer Wants A Wife. That show, which lived for one season on The CW Network, featured eight women vying for the affections of a strapping bachelor farmer — a premise that might be too close for the producers’ comfort. Also, while Chris is affable and romantic, he was also incredibly taciturn on the show. The strong-and-silent type doesn’t play well on television. Chris may be getting some behind-the-scenes prep work by agents, acting coaches and producers in preparation for being a star, but he may also be spending his time polishing his FarmersOnly.com dating profile. No doubt someone at that website is eyeballing a Bachelor crossover deal.

Another Bachelorette fan favorite was Marcus, another contestant tossed aside during Andi’s journey to love. However, rumor (a.k.a. US Weekly) has it that he’s engaged to someone he met on Bachelor in Paradise — Lacy Faddoul, one of the women who mercifully escaped the clutches of Juan Pablo on The Bachelor. An engagement would probably keep him out of the running to be the next Bachelor, but if he winds up heartbroken or left at the altar, there is still a shot of handing out roses to women ready to pick up the pieces with him.

There’s also a chance that blast from The Bachelorette‘s past may take up the mantle of Man in Chief on The Bachelor. US Weekly reports that Arie Luyendyk Jr. may be angling for a return to the reality TV spotlight. The tall, dark and handsome race car driver was the runner-up on Bachelorette Emily Maynard’s season (she chose philanthropist and entrepreneur Jef for a short-lived romance). In the wake of his broken heart, Arie went on to date infamous Bachelor contestant Courtney Robertson in the wake of her break-up with Bachelor Ben Flajnik. A flow chart might be necessary to keep this all straight, but many fans of the show would be willing to watch Arie find love.

Finally, there’s Marquel Martin. The cookie-loving, straight-talking, funny and charismatic contestant was left on the side of Andi’s road to love, but he was already a fan favorite. Not only did he gracefully handle uncomfortable situations with other contestants, but he did it with forthright charm and wit. While there was some speculation that Marquel may not want to be known as the show’s “first African-American Bachelor,” he may be coming around. “Am I opposed to it? Absolutely not,” Martin told E! about the possibility of being cast as The Bachelor. “That is something…to talk with my family about if I was afforded that opportunity. Obviously, right now I’m not thinking about that because I don’t know if that’s even an option.” The only thing standing in his way? Being cast on Bachelor in Paradise. Typically the show only sends its B-team players to the island of misfit boys and girls, but things may be changing on the show in the wake of Juan Pablo and producers may want to see how a fan favorite fits into the Bachelor universe before making him their star.

So who will it be? We’re still Team Marquel. Alternatively, we’ll accept Grumpy Cat, whose surprise appearance on After the Final Rose qualifies her for casting.

MORE: The Bachelorette Watch: 11 Things We Learned When the Men Tell All

MORE: RECAP: Bachelorette Finale: Andi Makes Her Choice

TIME Television

Bachelorette Finale: Andi Makes Her Choice

ABC

Big surprises are in store for Josh and Nick ... and Grumpy Cat!

Nick or Josh? Nick or Josh? Welcome to the finale of The Bachelorette, where Andi Dorfman must choose which of the two eligible bachelors will become her life partner. There’s Nick, the crazy-eyed stallion with the supposed heart of gold who makes Andi feel his passion for her and accent scarves. Then there’s Josh, the former pro baseball player who never misses a chance to flash his extremely white teeth, bulky biceps or his feelings for Andi. We’ve made our choice. But whom will Andi choose? As we join Chris Harrison in the studio, he informs us that the man Andi didn’t choose is not over her and has been trying to see her, and she has repeatedly turned him down. Sounds like fun to watch for the whole family.

Here’s what happened on the finale of The Bachelorette:

Nick Meets the Family: Nick is so nervous to meet Andi’s family that he is sweating all over the veranda. Her mother makes sure that Nick and the viewing audience knows Andi worked her way through law school. Nick spends all his time telling Mama Dorfman that he loves Andi. He says the L word about 20 times and until her mother begs for mercy. Then Nick turns his attention to Andi’s father Hy and asks for his blessing to marry his daughter. He pauses and tells Nick that in his family, commitment is for life and then shrugs and says sure, later interviewing that he would be O.K. with having Nick as a son-in-law. The one thing they can all agree on is this: Nick loves Andi. Nick and Andi make out on the couch to seal the deal.

Suave Hair Moments: Someone from Suave gives Andi a shiny coif. “Perfect for a rose ceremony,” decrees Andi. “Best of luck, Andi!” chirps Desiree. “You look wonderful,” notes Catherine. “Why did I watch this?” sighs a nation.

Josh Meets the Family: Josh notes that he only has one chance to make a first impression. He walks into the house and realizes that he is wearing the exact same blue button-down, white shorts outfit as Hy. Awkward! Despite the fashion faux pas, he hands Hy cigars, gives Patti flowers and hyperventilates all over the place. Patti rolls her eyes as Josh sweats through his shirt. They are all concerned that Josh is too much like Andi’s past boyfriends. Josh announces that he wants to marry Andi, and Hy gives him his blessing to propose to his daughter on prime time. Hy has no concerns about Josh whatsoever. In an interview, Josh announces, “Andi is my wife!”

Final Date With Josh: For their final date, Josh and Andi canoodle on a cruise around the Dominican Republic and Andi uses her law degree to grill Josh about what he said to her family. Josh flashes his pearly whites (is he sponsored by Crest White Strips?) and voice-overs that he wants to spend his life with his best friend. Then the producers make the wise decision to station a cameraman in the water to capture the moment that Andi’s bikini-clad behind enters the water after jumping off the boat with Josh and refraining from making a poignant metaphor about love and jumping. Back on land, Josh wants answers. Andi gives him a few without showing her hand or demanding to know why he thought red pants were a good choice for the evening. Josh hands her a baseball card with her name listed as Andi Murray, because of course she is changing her last name. Josh can’t imagine his life without her and Andi says “Josh is so my type” more times than Carl Gauss can count.

Final Date With Nick: For his final date with Andi, Nick opted to pair a blue V-neck T-shirt with blue athletic shorts for a Sad-Eyed-Smurf look. They go off-roading in the Dominican Republic, because it lends itself to the best marital metaphors. Andi and Nick do not canoodle. When Nick tells her that he’s going to marry her, she smiles politely; when they kiss, she holds her braid out of the way. That is not a good sign. Later, Andi stops by Nick’s hotel room and he overthinks and rambles and breathes heavily. Nick feels lucky and says he can’t wait to go grocery shopping with her. Nick hands her a box of sand from their first date. Sand? Sand.

Andi’s Choice: Andi feels passionately about Nick, but she also feels strongly about Josh. The men are nervous, and to prove this, the cameramen take a lot of photos of them staring moodily off into the middle distance. Then Neil Lane shows up to blow his annual promotional budget. Josh picks out an enormous rock.

The Drama: Then it is Nick’s turn. There’s a knock on the door, but it’s not Neil Lane. It’s Andi. The live-studio audience gasps. Chris polls the imported Bachelor/ette detritus about what it all means. Claire, who was loudly dumped by Juan Pablo Galavis, wishes that someone would have come to her door. Drew, who was abandoned by Desiree Hartsock, sadly reveals that it took him months to understand what had happened to him. In short: Andi’s arrival at Nick’s door is bad news for Nick.

The Big Talk: Andi tells Nick that she woke up this morning and just didn’t feel it. Something isn’t right, and she can’t go through with it. Nick is hyperventilating again and Andi joins him. Nick isn’t processing it. She apologizes a lot. Nick accuses her of “taking it too far” and wishing that she hadn’t said or done certain things. Then he takes his box of sand and goes home. But before he goes, he throws all of the roses he was going to scrapbook into the trash. Nick tears up in the limo, because he was in love. The studio audience cries with him. It rains as Andi thinks about what she’s done.

Josh and Andi Sitting in a Tree: At the final rose ceremony, Andi is bubbling out of her skin in excitement, which sounds like a special effect from a Guillermo del Toro movie, but isn’t that gross. Josh comes to find her and immediately launches into a well-prepared speech about how much he loves her. After pretending she was on the fence, she tells him she loves him and has loved him since the moment she first laid eyes on him. He drops to one knee and proposes. She says yes and kisses him while staring at the enormous Neil Lane diamond behind his back.

After the Final Rose: Nick wanders the streets of Wisconsin, heartbroken. He makes a decision and decides to go full creeper. He flies to L.A. to try and talk to Andi before the Men-Tell-All special. He has a heart to heart with Chris Harrison, who takes his message to Andi. She negs him and refuses to grant him an audience. Presumably that’s when Nick grabs a stereo and plays Elvis Costello’s stalker anthem “I Want You” outside Andi’s dressing-room window until the ABC security guards drag him away. Chris tells Andi that this was the second time Nick tried to see her and hands Andi a letter from Nick and suggests she read it (the “before we apply for a restraining order” is implied).

In the Studio: On stage with Chris, Nick blames Andi for giving him false hope and imbuing him with confidence. Nick swears that he likes Josh, stops to dry a tear and says he’ll always wonder about what he could have had with Andi. Chris reminds him that Andi can’t avoid him anymore. She comes out looking very guarded (or like she was wearing extreme Spanx). Nick’s hands shake as he pouts that Andi hurt him. She apologizes. He keeps talking about how hurt he is until he finally goes dark pointing out that if she didn’t love she shouldn’t have “made love” to him. Nick thought she did “fiancée kinds of things” in the Fantasy Suite, which is not a metaphor I am willing to unpack. (She made dinner for his unappreciative college friends?) Also, Nick: what happens in the Fantasy Suites, stays in the Fantasy Suites. Andi is not impressed with that one (Josh probably isn’t either). She tells Nick that she did care about him and that’s why she didn’t let him propose. She tried to be respectful. Chris calls the round after that, but the producers won’t let viewers pick it as “The Bachelorette Most Bleachable Moment.” Instead we are treated to a different awkward Nick moment from earlier in the season. Thanks a lot, Clorox.

The Sweet Ever After: The second Nick leaves and Josh joins Andi on stage, she starts to shine. They giggle, they tease, they hold hands and legs and knees and seem genuinely in love. Josh declares that the show works and to prove that, they randomly bring out Grumpy Cat. Because they can. Viva la Bachelorette!

MORE: It’s the Bachelorette Finale: Will Andi Pick Josh or Nick?

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TIME Television

It’s The Bachelorette Finale: Will Andi Pick Josh or Nick?

CHRIS HARRISON, ANDI DORFMAN
THE BACHELORETTE - "Episode 1010" --Season Finale Javier Pesquera—ABC

Plus, watch a sneak peek of Andi's family meeting Nick and Josh

The Bachelorette‘s journey to love ends Monday night. If all goes according to script, over the course of the three-hour Bachelorette event, Andi Dorfman will end up with a strapping young gentleman kneeling before her, slipping a giant Neil Lane diamond ring on her finger. Not only will it be a great promotional moment for Neil Lane jewelers, but it will also be the crowning moment for the sultry Atlanta district attorney who started her fairy tale in the nightmare of sharing a fantasy suite with Bachelor Juan Pablo Galavis.

After meeting a herd of producer-approved, gelled, bronzed and after-shaved bachelors, Andi has sorted, whittled, honed and thinned her flock of eligible life mates down to two possibilities: Nick V. and Josh M.

Nick V. is a software salesman from Wisconsin with an extremely large family, a predilection for poetry and a love of accent scarves. He wasn’t on The Bachelorette to make friends and proved that again and again. He did catch Andi’s eye early on, though, winning the coveted First Impression rose and sneaking many a quiet make out sessions with Andi. In his profile on ABC.com, he lists Dumb & Dumber among his favorite movies and says that “to feed off other’s [sic.] people’s energy is intense.”

Josh, a former pro baseball player, told ABC that if he was stranded on a desert island he would bring “a woman to be with and to have company, a gun to easily kill animals to eat, and a knife to carve them up,” which sounds delightful if you’re into that sort of thing and like a deleted scene from Silence of the Lambs if you’re not. Still, he and Andi — who has been known to take dates to target practice — have an unmistakable chemistry. Andi has already admitted that Josh is her type and since she liked his family, there isn’t much left in the “con” column. Plus, they are from the same part of the country. Long distances have been the death-knell for many a Bachelor-initiated relationship, but their Southern roots would eliminate that particular stressor. Also, he wears a size 13 shoe. (Just saying.)

So who will take the title? We’re Team Marquel, but as Andi already ditched him (and he was cast in forthcoming reality TV atrocity, Bachelor in Paradise), our money is on Josh.

Watch Josh sweat when he meets Andi’s family:

 

Watch Nick try to win Andi’s father’s blessing to wed his beloved daughter:

 

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MORE: The Bachelorette Watch: 11 Things We Learned When the Men Tell All

TIME

The Bachelorette Watch: 11 Things We Learned When the Men Tell All

ABC

Andi and the gang look back on their time together before she picks her man. Some people get emotional and, oh, theres a live ultrasound!

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, where Andi Dorfman’s journey to love leads her through an Axe-sprayed Scylla and a spray-tanned Charybdis venting their issues on prime time on a two-hour special where the men tell all.

According to host Chris Harrison, Andi wracked up more “I love yous” than any contestant in The Bachelor‘s history. She left a lot of heartbreak in her wake, but before she can be toasted and roasted by the detritus she left behind, Chris has a surprise for the viewing audience who, apparently, “won’t believe this will be on TV, but it is.” With that warning, ringing in your ears, here’s what happened on The Bachelorette, “The Men Tell All”:

Nothing Is Sacred: Before the men can tell all, Bachelorette Ashley and her prize, JP, are on hand to announce that they are pregnant. But that’s not all! In a Bachelor first — and by that they mean an all-new low for a show that has made a weekly ritual of throwing nearly nude strangers into hot tubs together — Ashley and JP are going to find out if they are having a Bachelor or a Bachelorette on live TV. To expedite the process, Ashley has a hole cut in her maxi dress and the ultrasound technician douses her with gel right there on stage and they broadcast the ultrasound onto the monitors. And? It’s a bouncing baby Bachelor! Bigger question: Are they really this desperate for attention? Or did they sign airtight contracts denying them privacy for the rest of their lives or, perhaps, are we all truly on this journey together?

Accent Scarves Are All the Rage With the Reality Star Set: When the men are paraded into the set, they are all wearing accent scarves, and it’s hard to tell whether it’s a joke or they are just a very fashion-forward crowd.

It’s a Toss-Up for Mr. Congeniality: Marquel and Farmer Chris got the biggest cheers from the crowd.

The Producers Really Want Us To Watch Bachelor in Paradise: Not only did they show five extra-long commercials filled with bikinis, tears, sirens and Drama with a capital D, but they also brought some of the cast members to the show to sit in the audience and smile prettily like we won’t see them tearing each others’ hair and hearts out in a few weeks. Chris Harrison did his part by asking both Marcus and Marquel if they would like to find love “in paradise” with an almost straight face.

Silence Is the Best Policy: As the men rehashed whether or not Andrew made a racist comment, Andrew mangled his own defense by seemingly mixing up the show’s two lone men of color, saying he “really appreciated how Ron handled ” the situation, when, in fact, it was Marquel. It’s like he somehow managed to hit bottom and started digging.

Marquel Should Be the Bachelor: While it’s unlikely to happen, as he was cast on The Bachelor in Paradise, Marquel would have been an incredible and charismatic Bachelor. During his moment on stage with Chris Harrison, Marquel admitted that he thought Andi friend-zoned him, but in hindsight realized that he didn’t take enough initiative with Andi. Then he handed out his now trademark black-and-white cookies to the audience. Forget The Bachelor, Marquel for President!

Marcus Is Still Sad: He teared up watching his own highlight reel.

Farmer Chris Is the Best: He’s chiseled, charming, upright and downright mature. If he’s not the next Bachelor, he should be the spokesmodel for FarmersOnly.com.

The Audience Is Crazy: A woman — who was undoubtedly planted in the audience by the producers — interrupts the Chrises’ conversation, storms the stage and introduces herself to Farmer Chris. Chris Harrison shrugs and goes along with it, asking the woman — who claims she came alone to the show all the way from Toronto — if she wants to go on a speed date with Farmer Chris during the commercial break. She says heck yeah and gets comfy on the couch in her tiny romper and high, high heels.

The Lie-Detector Results Were Not Destroyed: During a group date in Italy, the men had to take a lie-detector test. Andi destroyed the results, though, but the producers saved a copy. Turns out that three men lied during their tests: Marcus, Dylan and Josh. Marcus claimed he slept with fewer than 20 women, which was a lie. Dylan said he prefers brunettes, which is not true. He also lied about the fact that he’s ready for marriage. What did he not lie about? That he doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom. He claims to use hand sanitizer instead, but tiny bottles of Purell are going to be hard to see in his Tinder profile.

Bloopers Are Still the Best: We learned that Coach Brian has a fear of pickles, Andi uses nose spray, a group date rose once got stuck on a silver tray and Farmer Chris does not know how to say “confident.”

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Andi’s dad finally makes his triumphant return to television to slap some sense into Nick, Josh and, hopefully, Andi as she tries to decide between Josh, who makes her feel “happy and hopeful,” and Nick, with whom she had an “immediate connection and attraction.”

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TIME Television

RECAP: The Bachelorette Watch: Three’s a Crowd in a Fantasy Suite

ABC

Andi and the three remaining contestants head to the Dominican Republic for some intimate time at the Fantasy Suites

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, where Andi Dorfman re-enacted The Hunger Games, substituting Cupid’s arrows for Katniss’s, but with equally deadly results. As the show heads to its inevitable conclusion (couch time with Chris Harrison discussing what went wrong), the herd of finalists have been winnowed down from a gazillion to merely three: former baller Josh, dead-behind-the-eyes Nick and Farmer Chris, who undoubtedly knows a few things about what happens to the cows left in the herd.

This week, though, everyone wants to be part of the flock — because it’s Fantasy Suites week! As the foursome head to the beautiful Dominican Republic (yes, Josh, they have baseball there), Andi finally gets to spend some quality alone time (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) with Nick and Josh and Chris, all on national television. Will she decide to be a role model for younger chaste women and publicly announce that she is planning to save herself until marriage and just cuddle on the bed amid the artfully strewn rose petals? Will she learn from her mistakes with Juan Pablo? Or will she cheerfully spend the night with three men while her nana watches at the retirement community? The only way to find out is to read on.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

The Men: As Andi reflects on her options she notes that she loves that Josh “just has that dark hair, tall build.” Strangely didn’t mention the cord attached to his mother. One thing she appreciates about Nick is that “when he kisses, he kisses” which is exactly what a long and healthy marriage is based on. She thinks Chris would be “an amazing father and amazing husband.” The “for someone else” is silent.

Nick: Helicopter alert! Nick and Andi fly into a private island for what Andi deems “an adult romance,” which the MPAA deems rated PG-13. After some initial kissing, canoodling and over-the-shirt groping, Andi remembers that she’s a prosecutor and grills Nick about his past breakups. She needs to know how he handled them so she doesn’t have to put him on suicide watch when she dumps him for someone without an accent scarf addiction later. Nick fumbles toward saying the L word, but only manages something about that lady show on Showtime. Andi suggests they make out in their snorkel gear instead. Later, during a romantic beach dinner, Nick writes Andi a fairy tale about two children being eaten by a witch, a story that would be preferable to the one he actually wrote about their love story. Seriously, Nicholas Sparks thought it was a bit much. Then they make out under a tree despite the fact that Nick is wearing pink pants. Nick manages to get Andi’s tongue out of his mouth long enough to finally professes his love for Andi and she replies, “I love hearing that,” which is just what everyone likes to hear. Then they head to the Fantasy Suites and make out on a couch right inside the door for our viewing “pleasure.”

Josh: After a long night with Nick, Andi showers (hopefully) (in Purell, hopefully) and heads out to meet Josh in Santo Domingo. Josh is very excited to see her, but not as excited as he is to watch a bunch of kids play baseball. Andi has arranged for him to watch some Little Leaguers practice because she knows he’s into that sort of thing. Josh is impressed that she pays attention and knows he likes baseball. That’s what happens when you mention something 6,000 times per episode, Josh. Later, he gets handsy while they sip from a coconut on a bench. Josh tells Andi that he told his family that he loves her. Since his family really likes to do things together, they are probably all watching from a hotel on the island, unless his brother has a football game going on. At dinner at a resort, Josh tells her that having that half-hour photo op with the kids makes him really want to have a lot of kids — possibly with her as he loves her and wants to marry and can really see her as his wife. After he accepts her Fantasy Suite proposal fireworks go off, both literally and metaphorically. Then they make out in the private pool in the Fantasy Suite.

Chris: After two all-nighters in the Fantasy Suites, some evil producer decided that Andi’s third date should involve horseback riding, even though she is very clear about the fact that she doesn’t like horses or horseback riding or even Chris all that much. She mentions several times that she’s not sure she’s at the Fantasy Suite point in her relationship with Chris (which is sad because I have a great “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” farming adage all teed up). While he is the sweetest and most romantic contestant, with the sneaky secret-admirer business he pulled off, sweet gestures and general charm, he does have one big turnoff: Iowa. Iowa is preventing Chris from … um, explaining animal husbandry with Andi in the Fantasy Suite. 4H didn’t prepare him for this. After the producers decide they have enough footage of Andi on horseback, they let her have a picnic under a tree with Chris and play yet another rousing round of his family’s favorite pastime, Ghosts in the Graveyard, which is basically hide and seek with a creepier name (hide and eek?).

After lunch, they have dinner at yet another romantic resort and talk about Iowa. A lot. It soon becomes apparent that Andi is not so much an Iowa fan as just trying to delay telling Chris that she’s just not that into him. She finally breaks it to him that it’s not Iowa, it’s you. She’s just not feeling it, because he is nice and sane and open and kind and operates on a reasonable plane of human emotion. Farmer Chris fights back tears as he is sent home to tend his crops and sow the seeds of love with a different woman, one who doesn’t mind living in a town the size of a grapefruit. (Fine, pomelo.) As a farmer, Chris knows a thing or two about the circle of life and how it’s sometimes necessary to thin a herd. He can think about it on his tractor or while he shreds the “Chris Loves Andi” banner in his thresher. It’s hard to believe Andi turned down the lifetime of free babysitting that Chris’ mom offered as part of the deal. She will undoubtedly regret it. Or not…

The Rose Ceremony: Despite the fact that there are only two contestants left and two roses to hand, the show must kill time with a Rose Ceremony ostensibly staged to prove post–Fantasy Suite that the men are really committed to finding love with Andi. Shockingly, they both are. Nick says their love is “amazing” while Josh is 100% certain that she’s going to be engaged to him next week.

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Andi’s scary father Hy is making his return to television!

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Brian Williams’ Dark Secret: He’s The Bachelorette’s Biggest Fan

Remember, fans: You are not alone

The couch at a late-night talk show is the place where celebrities go to confess their sins, poke fun at themselves and admit their most embarrassing moments. Last night, on Late Night With Seth Meyers, Brian Williams managed to do all three simultaneously. The NBC anchor didn’t admit to not sorting his recycling or eating trans-fats, but rather, something far more pernicious: He came clean about the fact that he’s a huge fan of The Bachelorette.

It turns out that Williams — one of the most trusted names in the nightly news — has deep feelings about who current bachelorette Andi Dorfman should choose as her life mate. (“Life” being the time between the final rose, the televised marriage proposal and the time the couple hits the couch with host Chris Harrison to talk about what went wrong.)

“My wife and I are up to speed,” Williams confessed to Meyers, without a hint of embarrassment. “We have our own opinions about Andi and as Juan Pablo kind of divided us viewers, I think, into separate camps — Juan Pablo was a troubled man — and Andi has a huge choice to make and I think home visits will prove a lot. And after tonight, Seth, I think this will be a kind of new era going forward.”

“It’s gonna be an exciting night,” Williams said. And it was.

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RECAP: The Bachelorette Watch: Hometown Dating

ANDI DORFMAN, CHRIS
Andi travels to Arlington, Iowa, to visit Chris and his family Matthew Putney—ABC

The death of contestant Eric Hill is revealed to Andi and the bachelors

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, where each episode beautiful bachelorette Andi Dorfman walks further down that yellow brick road of love and other pheromones to the Emerald City, a.k.a. the Fantasy Suites. This week her journey takes her to four towns spread out across the nation, all of which, much like Connecticut and Brussels before them, are the perfect place to fall in love while accidentally ticking off your future mother in law when you refuse a second helping of her famous Waldorf salad, an incident that will come up at every family potluck until the inevitable divorce. Sounds fun, right?

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

Nick in Milwaukee: To convince Andi that she should call Milwaukee home, Nick gives Andi a cheese hat, which probably did not come from Saks Fifth Avenue. Then, instead of taking Andi on a Laverne and Shirley–themed date, he just takes her on a tour of a brewery that has bravely made a Nick-and-Andi beer, which undoubtedly tastes both bitter and treacly. Then Nick tries to persuade her to declare her love of the Green Bay Packers. She won’t do it, though, because she is a woman of principles and Falcons fandom. This jovial rift will be great material for Nick and Andi’s annual Christmas letter to second cousins on both sides of the family.

Nick finally takes her home to meet all 793 family members who each wear accent scarves just like Nick. (Perhaps Costco had a bulk-buying discount?) The family home has a Pinterest-worthy wall full of gilded frames, lined up symmetrically, featuring all the family members. At his family home, Andi feels comfortable enough to admit that she only gave Nick the first-impression rose because she felt sorry for him. Everyone laughs while Nick remains dead behind the eyes. Nick’s sister tells Andi that he loves her, which would be incredibly juvenile, except that the sister is also wearing an accent scarf, which is the unmistakable sign of maturity. Another sister comes in to grill Andi, and Andi swears Nick is the Laverne to her Shirley (or more likely the Squiggy to her Lenny). Finally Nick’s mom starts crying because she knows Nick will make a great husband, because he was a very attentive son. Andi passes the final round of her inquisition by naming everyone in the framed pictures. As she bids farewell to Nick, he fumbles at the finish line and won’t say “I love you.”

(MORE: Death and the Maiden: How The Bachelorette Is Handling the Death of Eric Hill)

Chris in Arlington, Iowa: Farmer Chris’ hometown has a population of 758, which this day goes up to 759 with the addition of Andi. It’s a broad, brown wasteland, which is about 500 miles from the closest Frappuccino. Andi is, inexplicably, “super excited” to visit, but clearly not to live. “What would I do here?” she asks Farmer Chris, who pauses before pointing out that “there’s an opportunity to be a homemaker.” Andi resignedly doesn’t bash him in the head with her Louboutin nor book a bus out of town, but instead declares, “I’m not as city as you think. My family has a lake house in Alabama, and I hunt!” Cue the plane flying a “Chris Loves Andi” banner, which she declares is the cutest thing he’s ever done. Then they make out while Andi tries to get reception on her iPhone.

After an obligatory tractor ride on his big green John Deere, Farmer Chris takes Andi home to meet his family, who size her up like a 4-H entry. (Granted all the families on hometown dates do that, but on a farm it’s done with a more professional eye.) Chris’ sisters sell him hard, but his mother Linda is already sold. She tells Andi that they’ll make beautiful babies and she’ll babysit. Free babysitting is a great reason to get married. According to Linda, Andi has gumption, and she’s a tough cookie so she could make it on a farm. Then Linda says she loves Andi and Andi gives her a rose. Not really, but she may marry Farmer Chris out of guilt!

Josh in Tampa: Despite Josh’s inability to register human emotion, he is still the front-runner (maybe), and Andi is “super excited” to meet his family. Josh takes Andi to the baseball diamond. Did you know that Josh was a former professional athlete? Don’t worry, he’ll mention it a few dozen more times just to make sure it sinks in. Despite mentioning baseball every few minutes, Josh claims it’s hard for him to think about baseball because it makes him itch in a way that no amount of Lotrimin can help. So it’s special to bring her here. Andi thinks he looks hot when he plays baseball. Josh explains that he quit baseball to be there for Aaron, his brother, who is getting ready for the football draft. Then Andi goes to meet Josh’s family, which is just the solar system that revolves around the sun, a.k.a. his brother Aaron. Mom, dad and sister all remind Andi that Josh will be expected to attend all of Aaron’s games on the weekends and that the whole family plans to go to all the football games wherever they are. It’s pretty much like that Twilight Zone episode where everyone does everything the little girl says or else they die, but, you know, about football. Josh’s dad warns Andi, “You’d be marrying a family.” Then they all play family football.

Marcus in Dallas: Before Marcus takes Andi to meet his family — and he never brings anyone to meet his family — he recreates their Magic Mike group date by dressing up like a sailor and stripping for her. Not at all creepy! Marcus announces that he is madly in love with her. Andi smiles politely. Andi is only the second girl to meet Marcus’ family (no word on what happened to the first one). Apparently there is “a lot of love in the family despite the struggles,” which Marcus hinted at earlier. At the family homestead, Marcus’ sister worries that he’s overcaring, which he is, but his brother tells him just to go for it, even though Andi is clearly overwhelmed by all of Marcus’ Big Feelings. Playing for the cameras, Andi claims that “life with Marcus would be a fairy tale,” and as every faithful reader of the Brothers Grimm knows, fairy tales always end well. Marcus says Andi is his soul mate and that he’s ready to propose.

The Sorrow and the Pity: Instead of heading to a cocktail party for last-minute canoodling, Chris Harrison brings Andi and the four remaining men together to break the news about the death of contestant Eric Hill. It’s sad and somewhat unnecessary as the show has already done two tributes to Mr. Hill, and showing Andi’s reaction to the news is teetering toward exploitation territory (specifically, how Eric’s tragic death affected her and the show not, say, him and his family). Anyway, Andi is crying as she thinks about how the last time she saw Eric she yelled at him and kicked him off the show. Everyone else sits there feeling awkward, stunned and sad. Andi splits to take a breather only to return and talk about life and out, out brief candle and whatnot. The whole crew comes in and hugs everyone, puts the cameras down to come and hug, which makes it all so much stranger. Read more thoughts about how The Bachelorette handled the death of Eric Hill.

The Rose Ceremony: While the last time the show discussed Eric’s death, they cut out the rose ceremony, now, with Fantasy Suites on the line, they opt to awkwardly segue from tragedy to roses and romance. The show must go on! Andi has decisions to make about who she wants to sleep with in the privacy of a publicly aired prime-time television show. Since she already spent the night in a Fantasy Suite with Juan Pablo Galavis, it can only go up from there. The first rose goes to Josh. Farmer Chris gets the second one. The final rose goes to Nick, meaning that Marcus is no longer in the running to be America’s Next Top Dancing With the Stars contestant. Marcus cries as Andi assures him that he was open and vulnerable but a little too open and vulnerable. Andi prefers the dead-behind-the-eyes types like Nick and the emotionally stunted like Josh or the strong silent type like Chris, not the overly sensitive verging on bunny boiler type like Marcus.

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Fantasy Suites!

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