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The Bachelorette Watch: Getting Really Real In Ireland

Clodagh Kilcoyne—ABC The Bachelorette Episode 1106 — Six suitors are at first eerily unnerved and then, amused, when they attend a traditional "fake" Irish wake — for Kaitlyn — and must "eulogize" her

Things get shaken up

Welcome back to The Bachelorette where Kaitlyn has consummated her relationship with Nick and apparently told Shawn that he was The One and is now doubting all of her choices on her Path to Love. So much drama, so little time. Moving forward, this show should definitely be four hours long.

Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelorette:

The Shawn Situation: Shawn sits in Kaitlyn’s room demanding to know if she is in love with him. She dithered and then said she was falling in love with him. He can’t handle the fact they had a great date and then she went on a date with someone else, which is, you know, the entire premise of the show. Later, Kaitlyn cries and cries to the camera. She feels awful. Not because she feels guilty about “being intimate” with Nick, it’s that her feelings for Shawn are overwhelming and she doesn’t want to hurt him. And she knows that she already has, he just doesn’t know it yet. It makes sense. Dating a baker’s dozen of guys is definitely hard, especially if you’re throwing sex into the mix with one of them, but presumably not all. Shawn claims that off camera Kaitlyn told him that he was the one, so she is now his girlfriend, the end. The show should just end now.

Two-on-One Date: Now that she has gone head-to-head with Britt, Kaitlyn probably recognizes the true horror of the dreaded two-on-one date as she has stared right into its nightmarish maw. Still she makes J.J. and Joe take part in their torture. As they explore some Irish island, Joe says he wants to focus on the relationship he has with Kaitlyn and express how he feels about her, while J.J. “needs” to tell Kaitlyn about the biggest regret of his entire life. Um, no, you probably don’t. During his Kaitlyn time, Joe swears he’s never felt this passionate before, but he says it like he had his entire face Botox’d for the occasion. He tells her he is falling in love with her — once again without registering any emotion in his face-and they make out. Guess she’s into a guy who doesn’t mind a little cosmetic upkeep. J.J. uses his alone time to tell Kaitlyn that he cheated on his now ex-wife. He swears it was a learning experience. Kaitlyn applauds his honesty and then bids him farewell. He wipes his nose on his hand and pats her on the leg. He claims he feels blind sided by her decision. Meanwhile, Kaitlyn makes Joe earn his date rose. They make out while Shawn’s disembodied voice talks about his feeeeeeeeelings.

The Shawn Situation, Part II: When Joe comes back from his date saying he is falling in love with Kaitlyn, Shawn storms out of the room. He needs to talk to Kaitlyn. When the producers tell her that Shawn is on his way up, she flips out, convinced that he knows she slept with Nick and is going to have it out with her. She does not want to talk, but opens the door anyway (the producers probably make her stop hiding in the bathroom). She’s convinced she’s about to get an earful, but he just wants to talk about himself and his feelings and barely seems to notice that she’s crying. As he winges, she points out that they are on a reality show and if they are going to be together, they have to see it through to the end. Kaitlyn is unimpressed with his whining and realizes that she screwed up by reassuring Shawn about his place in her heart. She also knows it went too far with Nick, because she has other relationships to think about.

The Cocktail Party: She tells the guys that she has made some mistakes and had a rough week, but swears her heart is still open. The men do not look reassured while she chugs her wine and hyperventilates. When she slips away with Ben H., the men sit around trying to figure out what “mistakes” she made. Nick looks like he has a stolen Penny Black in his pocket (or, you know, is the guy who just slept with seven other guys’ girlfriend) and is trying to look innocent. Nick should rest easy because paranoid Shawn knows (knows!) she was referring to him. Despite the fact that Kaitlyn came to the cocktail party clearly rattled, Ben H. wants to talk about his feelings. Then Nick wants to talk about his feelings, but Kaitlyn wants to remind him not to kiss and tell. He starts to cry (?!) because of all his Big Feels and she has no choice but to make out with him. Then she talks to Shawn about his Big Feels and tells him that they have to dial down their emotions because there is still a lot of dating to get through. Man, Kaitlyn really deserves an Amy Schumer-sized glass of wine right now.

The Rose Ceremony: Chris Harrison finally shows up to chuck Kaitlyn on the chin and say ‘go get ’em tiger’ before sending her to the wolves. Nick, Jared, and Joe all have roses, which means there are only three roses to hand out. Ben H. gets the first rose, The Dentist gets the second rose, and Shawn is clearly sweating bullets down his dorky blue suit. As she holds the final rose of the evening, Kaitlyn looks like she’s going to cry as gives the final rose to Shawn. That means Ben Z and a guy apparently named Tanner who is apparently on this show is going home (apparently). Much like J.J., Ben Z was blind-sided by his dismissal by “cool girl” Kaitlyn.

Road Trip: Kaitlyn packs up her posse into a bus called a “Paddywagon,” but then invites Jared to go for a spin and get lucky in Ireland. They kiss the Blarney Stone, they kiss each other, they make out in her hotel room with cocktails in hand, she teaches him to drive stick shift, which is not a euphemism. Everything seems great. …Then Chris Harrison knocks on Kaitlyn’s door and tells her they are shaking things up. To even the playing field, the show is giving all the men “off camera time,” which is what they call it in the biz, apparently. However, she will need to cut her six remaining suitors to three, today. She will then have overnight dates with those three men and then meet their families after she’s spent a night in the Fantasy Suites. He also encourages her to make amends for her indiscretion or something gross. Chris leaves her alone to think about hanging out with the families of her suitors, post-Fantasy Suite. Should make excellent fodder for dinner table conversation!

Bachelorette Milestone: Kaitlyn invites The Dentist for a helicopter ride. They fly over the Cliffs of Moher, which are truly stunning, and as they pause for a picnic, Kaitlyn reminds us all that there is no rose on this date, because she is here to find herself a husband. She seems stressed and anxious and starts crying and it seems clear that she’s having the least fun of any Bachelorette ever. She cries and finally admits that she’s just not that into him. He would like more details for his logic board to process. She tells him again and he processes the information. He tells her that he really wishes she could be his wife, but hugs her goodbye and goes to cry over the Cliffs of Moher talking to himself in the third person, as he waits for the producers to call him for his audition to be The Bachelor (or the faerie folk to carry him off to care for their teeth).

Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: The Final Three are chosen (maybe).

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The Bachelorette Recap: Oh My God, They Killed Kaitlyn

She died of shame after one relationship went too far

Welcome back to The Bachelorette. When we last saw Kaitlyn, she and Ian were getting ready for a showdown in San Antonio. Will he leave in a huff? Or maybe in a minute and a huff? Will he mention the fact that he went to Princeton? So many reasons to watch the show from the edge of your seat.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

The Ian Issue: When we last saw Ian, he was telling Kaitlyn that he is not a fan of the fart jokes floating around the house (as if it’s just “jokes” floating around the shared air of the house). Ian expected Kaitlyn to be a brokenhearted damsel still reeling from getting dumped by Chris so he could comfort her. Instead, he gets a girl who likes to laugh and kiss. Kaitlyn is “super offended” by him calling her shallow, surface level and just there to make out. Ian is super offended that she doesn’t recognize his intellect frequently and often (guessing!), so by mutual agreement, Ian leaves. “I’m not lame like the other guys,” he says as he rolls away in the limo, “I’m being punished for being an intellectual.” Don’t worry, he mentioned the fact that he went to Princeton. Maybe they’ll put him on the cover of the alumni magazine.

The Cocktail Party, Continued: In Ian’s Ivy League wake, Nick goes to comfort Kaitlyn. They canoodle on the couch and as the clock ticks, and Nick stays with Kaitlyn, the rest of the men get more and more ticked off. Finally Shawn goes to fight for his face time with his woman, but finds her sucking face with Nick, which turns his stomach (same here, Shawn, same here). While Shawn and Jared make barfy noises, Kaitlyn shrugs. She tells the camera that she thinks intimacy is an important part of a relationship, and if the physical part of the relationship isn’t there, that’s a deal breaker for her. So she’s a make-out bandit, and she just doesn’t care whatever anyone else says about it.

The Rose Ceremony: Chris Harrison finally shows up to talk with Kaitlyn, so she’s not stuck seeking advice from Ashley S. He soon sends her into the Alamo, where they are holding the Rose Ceremony, because the Alamo is a great metaphor for marriage or something. Ben H., Shawn and Nick all have roses already. Kaitlyn gives the first rose to Jared, followed by the Dentist, J.J. (really?), Joe (who looks like the extra roommate on The New Girl), Ben Z., and then she hands the final rose to Tanner. That means the Alamo was the last stand for some guy who looks like he spent too much time studying Steph from Pretty in Pink and for Joe, who not only got sent home, but got sent home with the world’s worst haircut.

On the Road Again: After surviving the Alamo, the roving mating ritual heads to Dublin. Kaitlyn thinks Dublin is a great place to fall in love.

First One-on-One Date: There are four men who have not had a one-on-one date yet, and Kaitlyn chooses to take Nick on the first date. It is the least politically savvy move she could make, and she does it with gusto. Shawn tries to kill Nick with his eyes, but sadly it doesn’t work. Instead Nick and Kaitlyn spend the day wandering the city’s parks, ogling Irish wedding bands, and making out against every wall in Ireland. This would be a good time for ABC to apologize to Ireland for all the cooties. Kaitlyn and Nick make out all through dinner. They whisper, they canoodle, they giggle, they kiss and then Kaitlyn invites him back to her hotel room “to hang out” (which is apparently what the kids are calling it these days). She interviews that when she’s with Nick, she forgets about the cameras and her eight other boyfriends. To prove this point, the producers cut back and forth between Nick and Kaitlyn kissing in her hotel room and Shawn and Jared talking about their feelings for Kaitlyn and their dislike of Nick. Cut to the bedroom door closing on Kaitlyn and Nick, cue the make-out noises. Cut to Shawn saying, “You just got to trust Kaitlyn.”

The Morning After: As the sun rises, Nick heads back to his room. Kaitlyn watches the sun rise over the balcony. She interviews that the “off-camera time with Nick” was unexpected but nice and she doesn’t want it to be an issue. She feels guilty, though, and then asks the off-camera producer, “Has this ever been an issue before?” She wonders, “if Chris and Britt did have sex, what would I have done?” Good question. She interviews that she “doesn’t feel guilty about the act” but about the other relationships. Nick comes in smiling like the cat that just ate the canary and none of the other cats know. Kaitlyn worries that Nick will spill the beans and ruin her other relationships. He talks about his date, mentioning that they went back to her suite, but swears it was just for chatting. Then he throws out the words “intimate” and “personal,” but doesn’t kiss and tell, yet. He’ll save it for the after the Final Rose Ceremony. Kaitlyn starts to regret her choice.

The Weirdest Group Date in Bachelorette History: Tanner, Shawn, the Dentist, Jared and Bens H. and Z. are met by Chris Harrison, who regrets to inform them that Kaitlyn has died. (From guilt, regret, and embarrassment, presumably.) They are tasked with eulogizing her with a traditional Irish wake, complete with poems, songs, Guinness and flowers, which Kaitlyn appreciates from inside a coffin. No, really, she spent the entire date in a coffin, which is the perfect place to repent for her sins. She feels slightly bad about making Ben Z. memorialize her, because his mom just died, and he may not see the humor in the situation, but she makes him do it anyway. Then she makes out with him from the coffin.

The After Party: To celebrate Kaitlyn’s miraculous return from the dead, the gang heads to the Guinness Brewery. She spends some quality time with each of the men (and some Guinness). She and Jared stare at the city, Shawn shows her photos of her family, Ben Z. stares at her with schmoopy eyes. Jared gets the Date Rose throwing Shawn into an existential shame spiral that winds up in a pit of despair of his own making. He does not seem to understand that his girlfriend is dating eight other men.

Bachelorette Milestone: Private concert time. Would any trip to Ireland be complete without an appearance by the Cranberries? Kaitlyn and Jared walk to a church and the Cranberries are there and play “Linger,” even though “Zombie” would be more appropriate, what with Kaitlyn coming back from the dead and all. Best lie of the night: Jared saying the Cranberries were his “favorite band.” That’s just hurting Dave Matthews’ feelings, Jared.

The Cliffhanger: Shawn goes to talk to a producer, because he can’t handle the competition. Kaitlyn told him that he was “The One” and now she’s on a date with Jared. He knows that the Fantasy Suites are coming up and he can’t handle that, saying he’s “about to cry.” He thinks Kaitlyn is “ruining everything” that they have and is “going to ruin it all.” He goes to Kaitlyn’s room to talk, when he really should go talk to a therapist about his anger, jealousy and insecurity issues. When he shows up at her door, Kaitlyn thinks that he knows about Nick. As they settle on the couch to talk (not a euphemism), the producers cut to her in an interview, crying about “a mistake” swearing that she never wanted to hurt anybody.

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Man tears. Woman tears. Slut shaming. Chris Harrison looking serious. It’s all happening next week on The Bachelorette.

The Brady and Britt Saga Continues: Britt brings Brady to meet her mom. They’ve been dating for two months.

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The Bachelorette Recap: Will You Mariachi Me?

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, where we rejoin Kaitlyn’s journey to find Love and Truth and a man who is here for the right reasons and looks good in roses and isn’t wearing too much cologne (just guessing about that last part). When we last saw our fun-loving, loud-laughing heroine, she was considering giving Nick V. another chance at love. While even onion-loving Ashley S. thinks it’s a bad idea, Kaitlyn decides she has to trust her heart and invites Nick on to the show. She swears that she didn’t want to hurt the guys’ feelings, but did anyway.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

The Nick Situation: When we last saw Nick, he was engaged in the hellish act of trying to pull a suitcase through Times Square, a torture so horrible that even the Greek gods couldn’t have devised it. After that travail, he had to go to a hotel room with a dozen men who hated the fact that he was there to prove he was there for the right reason. Nick swears to the men that he is not there to cause drama or to make a scene, but because he likes Kaitlyn. The men prove that they are well read on their supermarket tabloids and grill Nick about the fact that he hung out with Bachelorette Andi a month ago. Nick swore it was just to bury the hatchet (in her back, probably). He swears he is here for Kaitlyn, but one man demands to know whether she is “just a cool chick or an amazing woman to you?” but there is no right answer to that question.

The Cocktail Party: The men take over Citi Field, because with the addition of Nick, they don’t fit anywhere else in New York City and/or the Yankees don’t have time for this nonsense. The men are not thrilled to have Nick in their midst, but J.J., who is not here to make friends anyway, doesn’t care and takes advantage of the awkwardness to get some alone time with Kaitlyn. He picks her up and runs the bases, but does not score a home run. (That comes later in the season, hopefully with someone else.)

The Rose Ceremony (Finally!): Kaitlyn walks the men out to shiver on the field and lines them up like it’s an execution (of hearts). To recap, Jared, Justin and the dentist already have roses. So Ben H. gets the first rose, followed by the other Ben, Shawn, Tanner, Joe, Ian, J.J., Joshua, and then Chris Harrison finally shows up to announce that it’s time for the final rose. Obviously it goes to Nick, because why else is he here? Ryan, Jonathan and some other guy who does not look even mildly familiar (maybe he’s a Met hanging out in the off-season?) are sent home, and the men grumble that Nick took a rose that belonged to someone more deserving. In case you didn’t think Kaitlyn was a good actress, she probably earned herself an Emmy nod for being able to say that she’s “always wanted to go” to San Antonio with a straight face.

First Date: Kaitlyn wants to get to know Nick, but not as much as she wants to get to know Ben H. For their trip to San Antonio, they have a true Texas date complete with flannel and denim, cowboy boots, red Ford trucks, country dancing and lots of dance-as-marriage metaphors. They compete in a dance competition and lose, so Kaitlyn vandalizes the oldest dance hall in Texas with a “K + B” in a heart. Then they make out outside to give the old folks something to talk about. Over dinner, Kaitlyn doesn’t want to talk about his past relationships, but totally does. So he tells her about his broken engagement over their uneaten entrées. He passes her “openness” test, which is only nominally different from a Scientology personality test, and earns a Date Rose (from Kaitlyn, not Xenu).

Group Date: While everyone expects Nick to get the remaining one-on-one date, Kaitlyn surprises them by dunking him in the deep end of a group date to see if he will sink or swim like a witch. This week’s challenge is to write and sing a mariachi song — and to steal Kaitlyn’s heart back from the most adorably, brash little mariachi muchacho ever, Sebastian De La Cruz and his band El Charro De Oro. The men dress in traditional outfits and embarrass themselves by serenading Kaitlyn with their own mariachi songs. As the newbie, Nick knows he has to go big or go home, so he makes an extra spectacular spectacle of himself. As Jared says, “Nick has the worst voice I’ve ever heard, but he owns it.”

The After Party: Josh decided to use a haircut as a metaphor for marriage and it did not work out well. He trusts Kaitlyn, but apparently she was not worthy of that trust and Josh ended up with a half-bald head and all the men laughing at him. Nick uses his time with Kaitlyn to make out with her, which does not make Josh any happier. So Josh and his half head of hair go to tattle to Kaitlyn that he doesn’t think Nick is here for the right reasons. Josh says everyone hates Nick being there and is lying to her about it. She decided to confront the men about their “dishonesty,” but they all deny it and Josh looks like a troublemaker and Nick gets the Date Rose.

Second Date: Kaitlyn invited Shawn to go kayaking in San Antonio, and they spend the bulk of their time together talking about Nick and Josh, which are the most romantic conversation topics. Then they make out on a bridge. Later they snuggle by a campfire and Shawn opens up about being hit by a car and then tells her that he is falling in love with her. Kaitlyn tells the camera that it felt “like her husband” telling her that. She hands him the Date Rose and informs the camera that she feels like she is falling in love with Shawn.

The Alamo: Ian decides he has had enough, and if Kaitlyn doesn’t want to date a Princeton man who has been around the world a few times, he’s going to go home. Does she know he went to Princeton? Maybe he should mention it a few more times to make sure she is aware of that fact.

The Cocktail Party: Kaitlyn makes all the men toast to honesty before spending some alone time with each of them. Jared tells her he’s falling in love with her, and she makes out with him while thinking of Shawn. Meanwhile, Ian is on a tear because “against all his logic,” Kaitlyn doesn’t seem to like him and “he’s a gift you unwrap for life.” He sits her down on a couch and tells her that he thought she was going to be brokenhearted and despondent over getting dumped by Chris, and he is disappointed to see that she’s recovered from that heartbreak and now just wants to make out with a bunch of hot guys. He’s not into her and is going to make sure she knows it. Strangely he didn’t mention Princeton even once. Maybe that will happen … next week on The Bachelorette.

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Did The Bachelorette Star Accidentally Reveal the Winner on Snapchat?

Kaitlyn Bristowe posted a story to Snapchat that many think spoiled the finale

The Bachelorette‘s finale doesn’t air until July, but fans of the show believe Kaitlyn Bristowe may have already revealed the season 11 winner on Snapchat.

On Friday Bristowe posted and then quickly deleted a Snapchat story showing what appears to be her in bed with contestant Shawn Booth, which many viewers took as a sign that he won the competition and that the two are in a relationship.

Though the series has already finished filming, Bristowe and the winner are contractually obligated to hide their relationship status and avoid being seen with each other during the program’s airing.

ABC had no comment, Variety reports.

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The Bachelorette Recap: Doug E. Fresh, New York City and the Return of Nick V.

Welcome back to Kaitlyn’s journey to find love and a Neil Lane diamond ring on The Bachelorette. Last week, Kaitlyn rid her flock of the weak and the crazy-eyed, and Tony the Healer went home to his bonsai tree in a protest against all the violence on the show, before he even got a chance to read her chakras or heal her. It was a very full week, but in the inimitable words of TV pitchman the late Billy Mays — but wait, there’s more! Clint and J.J.’s bromance came to a hilt, but Kaitlyn finally realized that Clint was not there for the right reasons, which is high treason in the Bachelorverse. Not being one to shy away from trouble, Kaitlyn went to have a little conversation with him, which is where the show frustratingly ended.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

The Drama: Before his talk with Kaitlyn, Clint claims he is “ready to make some power moves tonight.” Needless to say he’s confident he’s getting a rose. When Kaitlyn calls him out, he blames jealousy. When that doesn’t work he throws out some Bachelorette-approved feelings phrases: he’s been “100% honest,” and “that scares him,” and it’s been “really difficult overcoming himself.” All credit to Kaitlyn, she saw right through his smooth talking and poor man’s Liam Hemsworth’s look. She basically pats him on the head and tells him to go say good-bye to his little friends.

The Actual Shocking Twist: Back inside, Kaitlyn breaks the news, and in an actually shocking twist, J.J. tells Clint that he should apologize to everyone for wasting Kaitlyn’s time. The men collectively drop their jaws at J.J.’s gall, and Clint looks genuinely hurt by the public friend dumping (frumping?). Naturally he rounds on J.J., and in an expletive-laden farewell, Clint loudly ends their bromance. Later, after Clint leaves, J.J. cries to himself. He’s not here to make friends anymore.

The Rose Ceremony, Part II: Kaitlyn decides that there is not going to be a Rose Ceremony. While the men curl their lips over the fact that J.J. is still in the house, Chris Harrison tells them to turn their frowns upside down, because their journey to find love is taking them to New York City.

First Group Date: After some gelled and waxed man delivers the obligatory line that “New York is a good place to fall in love,” a date card arrives inviting J.J., Shawn, that one guy, Jonathan, Tanner, that other guy, someone named Ben (maybe?), Ryan B., that some other guy who may be new here to an outing. The challenge? The rap battle that Gawker attended back in April, making us all seethe with jealousy like a Bachelor contestant left out of the hot tub make-out session. Hip-hop legend Doug E. Fresh earned himself a paycheck by agreeing to train the men in the fine art of the rap battle, to be performed in front of a live audience, natch. The men write down some (lame) rhymes and go for it. Kaitlyn speaks the truth when she says “this is the worst rap battle ever” and that includes the one where Eminem performed with barfed up spaghetti on his sweater.

The Arrival: Kaitlyn spies Ashley I. from her time in the trenches with Chris Soules and goes to say hello. Standing next to her is Nick Viall (a.k.a. the man who slut-shamed Bachelorette Andi on national television after she took full advantage of the Fantasy Suite), and Kaitlyn is actually excited to see him. Apparently they struck up a friendship on social media and a few friendly tweets is enough for Nick to get the crazy look back in his eyes and come flying across the country and beg the producers to let him on to the show. (Why didn’t he just write one of his famous letters?) Kaitlyn wants to think about his offer. Wouldn’t it be better if she invited Doug E. Fresh onto the show instead?

The After Party: You know what puts a damper on a group date? Telling all the men that you don’t like any of them quite enough and want to bring in a 13th man to see if he is a better fit for you. Turns out that is a great way to annoy many, many men at the same time. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself the only woman at a panel discussion or conference. The men are well aware of Nick’s sordid, slut-shamey past, and they are not impressed. Meanwhile, Kaitlyn has ditched the party and is making out with Nick. When she gets back, Kaitlyn gives Justin the Date Rose, but he is too depressed to be impressed.

The Decision: Kaitlyn realizes that it’s probably not fair to bring Nick into the pool of possible husband material at this late date, but she also really wants to make out with him and doesn’t want to deny her feelings. Before her date with Jared, she goes to get her hair done by crazy-eyed Ashley S., who Kaitlyn swears is smart and not nearly as crazy as the edit she was given would imply. (She says that, but never forget the Onion or the zombies.) After talking to Ashley S., Kaitlyn decides to follow her heart and to let Nick on the show. She and Nick make out on the street corner to celebrate before she leaves for her date with Jared. Later, she tells the men her decision, and weirdly none of them are happy about it.

The One-on-One Date: Kaitlyn goes to meet Jared for a black-tie date at the Met, but her mind isn’t in the date at all. Instead, she is thinking about Nick, and all the drama she is unleashing on the house by throwing yet another man into her embarrassment of manly, spray-tanned riches. Jared manages to play it cool and earns Kaitlyn’s attention, and eventually the Date Rose while drinking wine next to the Temple of Dendur, which has probably seen at least one moment as awkward as this in its 2,000 years on the planet. Maybe. The happy couple then take off in a limo to a helicopter to enter the Statue of Liberty’s airspace.

Bachelorette Milestone: Jared said the L word.

Second Group Date: In a move sure to crush the souls of every aspiring thespian Ian, Ben H., The Dentist, Joshua, and some guy with 1990s Morrissey hair are invited to audition for the cast of Aladdin on Broadway. But as any Smash fan knows, Broadway is a cruel place, and soon enough all the men are cut from the show except for the dentist, who gets to stay and perform with Kaitlyn during an actual (hopefully heavily discounted) performance of the musical. They make out in the wings. She hands him the Date Rose and then they kiss some more.

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: If you like awkwardness, you’ll love watching the men pretend to tolerate the presence of Nick V. Also, some day there might be a Rose Ceremony and one of these men (or J.J.) will get sent back to their bonsai trees.

Update: In case you were wondering about how the not-Bachelorette is doing, Britt and Brady are still dating. They spend their days going for long walks on the beach and she calls him the “b word” (that’s boyfriend, people), and probably sending Edible Arrangements to the producers of the show in gratitude for bringing them together.

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The Bachelorette Recap: Sumo Wrestling and Sex Ed on the Road to Love

Someone let the men teach sex ed to innocent children

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, where Kaitlyn Bristowe is slogging her way to love. She has toppled Britt to become the star of the show, gotten groped by a drunk guy and finally embarked on her journey to find love and, if the promos are to be believed, some something something. This week Kaitlyn has two group dates and her second one-on-one date, but first she has to finish getting rid of Kupah, whom she kicked off last week, but didn’t quite finish the job. Then there’s still a Rose Ceremony to get through …

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette this week:

The Farewell: Kaitlyn leaves the mansion to go tell Kupah to go ahead and go gentle into that good night. He abashedly swears,”I won’t yell anymore, I promise,” which is a great start to any relationship. She rolls her eyes as he rolls into the van. She takes the time to daintily wipe the tears from her eyes and notes that you can tell a lot about a person in 30 seconds. Especially if those 30 seconds involve drunkenly hollering in the driveway.

The Bachelorette Milestone: Kaitlyn realizes that this is harder than she thought it would be. That’s when Chris “Perfect Timing” Harrison earns his salary by reminding her that it’s time for a Rose Ceremony.

Rose Ceremony, Continued: Back in the mansion, the men line up, and Kaitlyn starts handing out roses. First up is Jared, who appears to have recovered from his Bachelorette-induced concussion (so it must be only slightly worse than a Bachelorette-induced migraine). She then hands roses to Ben H., Shawn, Jonathan (who is dressed in his finest Miami Vice cosplay), a person named Tanner, who is apparently on the show, Chris Cupcake and then a bunch of guys named Ryan and Justin.

The Final Rose: Tony the Healer is freaking out because he left his bonsai tree and dog to be on the show, and Kaitlyn didn’t hand him a rose yet. He explains that he “sees the world through the eyes of a child” and is very concerned that Kaitlyn is not recognizing his inner warrior. Luckily, the producers refuse to let go of their most bon mots–addled contestant, so he gets the rose, meaning a handful of far more sane, but far more boring men are heading back to their day jobs as entrepreneurs and amateur fitness trainers.

The First Group Date: If you ever need an effective wakeup call, try two sumo wrestlers armed with a gong. They deliver the news that JJ, Joe, Justin, Joshua, Chris Cupcake, Clint, and, of course, Tony will be sumo wrestling to impress Kaitlyn. Chris Harrison tells the menfolk that “out of respect” for the most ancient sport, the men must wear traditional sumo garb for their bouts. The men then spend the rest of the date mocking the sumo belts, with lots of pointing, laughing, pointed blurring and referring to the belts as “man diapers.” Good show of respect! The sumo wrestlers school the men in the sport and mercilessly (hilariously) chuck them out of the ring one by one. Then there’s Tony. He is a “peaceful and balanced guy,” but when he is unable to mount the mountain of man meat, he goes off to sulk and pretend he’s not into violence and wants to be a man of peace. So he picks a fight with Kaitlyn and curses at JJ and pouts in a corner. Kaitlyn keeps pointing out that this is just supposed to be fun, but Tony’s self-proclaimed “gypsy soul” can’t handle it. The rest of the men head down to some public location to scandalize children and wrestle. Even Kaitlyn suited up for a staged match. The men threw each other around in the ring until Clint was named champion.

The Not-Quite Drama: While Kaitlyn is off having fun with the team players, Tony, the lone wolf, has decided that he “can’t participate in this circus anymore.” She hugs him and sends him on the way without even pretending to talk him out of it.

The After Party: Clint has a sneaky plan where he decides not to pursue Kaitlyn and instead wants to sit on the bench with his bros and see if she comes to talk to him. She doesn’t. Instead she gives Sean the Date Rose and calls Clint out for being a doof.

The Ugh: The producers really want us to believe that the “bromance” between JJ and Clint is much more than just friendship. To “prove” their point, the producers spliced together a bunch of film leading people to believe that the men are falling in love with each other. Insert eye roll. JJ already confirmed that this was a creative edit, so this appears to be just a ridiculous stunt, signifying nothing other than a vague homophobia.

The One-on-One Date: Chris Harrison has planned a surprise date for Kaitlyn and Ben Z. (a.k.a. not Ben H.). Relationships take trust and communication, so he is locking them in the basement of Spirit Costume Shop together. And they say romance is dead. Kaitlyn and Ben then have to face a basement of horrors that would make Eli Roth cry — including birds, computer CAPTCHA codes, Britt’s disembodied face and fake barf-filled toilets. Also, snakes, scorpion and maggots, but really it was the CAPTCHA that nearly did them in. Luckily, while Kaitlyn squealed, Ben was manlier than that guy named Manley on Little House on the Prairie and they escaped the basement and went to make out at Kaitlyn’s house.

The Bachelorette Milestone: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a hot tub. They make out. She hands him the Date Rose.

The Second Group Date: Some sociopath with a sick sense of humor sends a group of Bachelor men into a school to teach innocent young children about sex ed. I hope the parents of these children read their permission slips very, very closely. The men fumble and bumble through their presentations veering from PG-13 to R rating, getting bleeped and black-barred along the way. Ben H. kept it sweet and simple using Kaitlyn as a visual aid to help explain reproduction in a PG way that was a vast improvement over Joshua, who gleaned his material from hanging out with cows. When things get more NC-17, Kaitlyn reveals that these are not ordinary schoolchildren but child actors who have already lost all their innocence trying to make it in the rough streets of Hollywood. Ben H. earns a Date Rose for his efforts.

The Cocktail Party: Clint knows that he’s not there for the right reasons, but wants to hang out in the mansion with JJ, who spends a lot of time spewing vitriol into the camera. He and JJ chortle evilly in the corner, and the men have enough. They crack and tell Kaitlyn that the men are not there for the right reasons. Dun Dun.

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Somebody is going home. Hopefully.

TIME Television

The Bachelorette Recap: Amy Schumer and Laila Ali Help Kaitlyn Find Love

Someone is not here to make friends

Welcome back to The Bachelorette. Now that a winner has emerged from the Thunderdome of Love, and the show has a star (Hello Kaitlyn! So long Britt!), and she has started to get Darwinian on the herd of troglodytes with stars in their eyes, cutting out the weak, the feeble, the Britt lovers and the horrifying drunken rape aspirant, she is ready to start on her journey to find love. But before she can take the first tentative step, Kaitlyn must sit down for her first tête-à-tête with Chris Harrison. In their chat, he points out that she kissed a bunch of guys already, which sounds like the tsk tsk of a slightly disappointed cool dad, but she shrugs it off. Then she asks after Britt, who was sent home without a single rose.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

Britt Update: Speaking of the devil (the devil is any woman who sleeps in full makeup, apparently) Britt is in her hotel room calling her mommy. She sits on the bed (with her shoes on) and cries until there is a knock on the door. It’s Brady. He gives her a big hug. and they sit down to get to know each other.

First Group Date: For the very first date, Kaitlyn invites Daniel the fashion designer, Justin, Jared the restaurant manager with the asymmetrical haircut, Corey, Kupah, both Bens and an affable-looking guy named Tanner to some secret rendezvous that the Date Card promises will end “with a ring.” That makes the men start sweating before they even get to the boxing gym where Laila Ali awaits to school them in the sweet science. The only reason to have a boxing date is because of the marriage-analogy possibilities. To wit, Kaitlyn wants a man who will fight for her, and Laila Ali adds that “boxing is a lot like relationships,” because it takes commitment and passion and determination. After getting taped up, working with a trainer for at least seven minutes, and hitting the heavy bag once or twice, the men are sent into a boxing ring to battle it out for Kaitlyn’s heart. Don’t worry, they are wearing protective head gear, so what could possibly go wrong? The main event pits 160-lb. Jared against Ben Z., a 200-lb. monster, which results in Jared getting clobbered in the first four seconds of the round. Don’t worry, Jared, many journeys to love start with a head injury.

The After Party: Jared can’t see straight and is sent to the hospital for an MRI and medical monitoring, which ruins his chance to have some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn. Luckily she doesn’t really notice, because she is otherwise occupied with Ben Z., the winner who has fists of iron, a heart of gold and a back story that will melt stone. (His mother passed away when he was a teenager, and he had to grow up fast. Awwww.) While Kaitlyn is talking to some other guy (Daniel? A different Ben?), she gets a note from a mysterious suitor that tells her to come downstairs right that second. She does and finds Jared. While the producers won’t let him join the part, because they are contractually obligated to follow doctors’ orders to go to home and rest, they will help him woo Kaitlyn downstairs so she can kiss his boo-boos. So they make out on the street. She still gives the Group Date Rose to Ben Z., though.

One-on-One Date: For her first solo date as the Bachelorette, Kaitlyn decided to head out with Clint, the architectural engineer who surprised her with a picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops. That behavior needs to be rewarded after all. Rewarded with what you say? An underwater photo shoot of course, which might be the first time any couple on the show has been in the pool fully dressed. As the photographer encourages them to open themselves up to the universe and love, always love, they take a few fully dressed dips into the pool. Then Kaitlyn has her first-ever first kiss underwater, followed by a bunch of kisses above water. Later, they toast each other over dinner and kiss on a rooftop, which according to Kaitlyn is “next level,” literally.

Second Group Date: In the second date card, Kaitlyn says she wants someone to “stand up” for her. Because she loves a guy with a sense of humor, she invites JJ, Jonathan, Chris, Ian, Joe and Tony to do some amateur comedy with Amy Schumer stepping in as their spirit guide. To help whip the men into shape before their sets, Amy brings in Nikki Glaser, Rachel Feinstein and Bridget Everett (Google them!) and a whole lot of wine. Amy works with JJ, who she dubs a sweetheart who is “just missing charisma and humility and sense of humor.” He really wants to impress Kaitlyn, but also Amy, because he has always wanted to be a standup comedian. It doesn’t go very well. Sample conversation: “Hi, I’m JJ, I’m divorced with a kid, and I live with my parents.” “Is that true?” “That’s totally true.” (Amy drinks her wine silently.) Luckily Tony is ready to be Tony, and he has been training for that all of his life. Sadly we didn’t get Amy’s insights on Tony being Tony.

The After Party: Tony was really into Britt, but now he’s really into Kaitlyn, because now he and Kaitlyn have connected. He has figured out that she is a “combination lock,” and he is learning her secrets. Kaitlyn wisely doesn’t make out with him. She does make out with JJ, though. (Don’t tell Amy Schumer, who would probably be very disappointed.) But he talked about his daughter, and Kaitlyn got all mushy inside and was powerless to resist. She even handed JJ the Date Rose.

The Rose Ceremony: Kaitlyn welcomes the men and is immediately swept out the door by JJ, which is a ballsy move, but also a big faux pas because he already has a rose. The men are not pleased.

Bachelorette Milestone: As all the men glare at him, JJ announces that he is not here to make friends.

The Rose Ceremony (Continued): While JJ crows about his self-anointed frontrunner status, Ian finally gets to tell Kaitlyn that he went to Princeton — and that he was hit by a car and almost never walked again. As JJ tries to bait Tony into outing himself as a loon. Meanwhile Kupah flat-out tells the camera that he has no interest in being here at all if he’s filling out a quota, which is about as honest as this show has ever been about race. When he goes to talk to Kaitlyn he sticks his foot in his mouth and says he hasn’t felt a connection with her yet, which throws Kaitlyn for a loop, because she did feel a connection with him — until tonight. Kupah tries to backtrack, but he can’t get himself out of the hole. Eventually Kaitlyn lets him go. He doesn’t accept, but she lets him go anyway. The drama really picks up when he heads out to the driveway for his exit interview and gets very animated. Kaitlyn goes outside to investigate, but we won’t find out what happens until next week.

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Drama! Kaitlyn standing outside watching the drama!

TIME Television

Is The Bachelorette Already Slut-Shaming Kaitlyn Bristowe?

A promo for the upcoming season suggests a double standard is still at play


At the end of this week’s season premiere of The Bachelorette, the producers gave a sneak peak at all the drama to come in the new season of the show. In the promo, the producers document newly-minted Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe’s fairytale journey to find love complete with canoeing, celebrity guest appearances (hi Amy Schumer!) and sumo wrestling. It’s all rose petals and romance—until around the 1:30 mark, when things get darker. The men start to get jealous watching Kaitlyn kiss other beaus. Not helping the situation is the return of Nick Viall, a finalist from Andi Dorfman’s season, who’s been vocal about his feelings about pre-marital sex. (In case you missed it: He deemed Andi’s decision to have sex with him in the Fantasy Suite “not appropriate.”)

Kaitlyn seems to shrug it off, though, saying: “If the physical part of a relationship isn’t there for me, that is a deal breaker.” Fair enough—that’s how most of the world functions when it comes to romance. As emotions rise, one man soothes his friend’s feelings, “It’s just kissing.” And it is just kissing—until suddenly, it’s not. The lights go out, there’s the sound of heavy breathing, and it becomes clear that an adult woman on a dating reality show had sex. Cut to a picture of a crying Kaitlyn.

In the video, Kaitlyn clearly states that she’s not a bad person and she’s not ashamed of herself. So why does it seem like the producers want to make her look like she is? The next few minutes of the promo are just Kaitlyn crying, curling up in a ball, hiding her face and then admitting her actions to the other men for public pillorying. The men are shocked. One stalks off: “Don’t talk to me!”

Let’s get real: This is not the first time that someone has had sex on this show. The show’s “journey to love” culminates in three back-to-back overnight dates in a Fantasy Suite. We all know what happens there, even if it’s not documented for the camera. This isn’t even the first time that someone has had sex outside of the Fantasy Suites. Remember Courtney’s and Ben’s tryst in the ocean? Or Clare and Juan Pablo? Bachelor Bob Guiney supposedly had sex with at least five different women on his season. Host Chris Harrison low-balled that 67% of couples have sex on the show. Despite that, Courtney is still considered a villain; Clare was blasted on blogs and Twitter for her night with Juan Pablo.

But, of course, those infamous encounters all took place on The Bachelor, not The Bachelorette. Does the show have a double standard when it comes to the perception of its Bachelorette? Maybe. Bachelorette Andi Dorfman certainly got her share of slut-shaming after her Fantasy Suite encounter with Nick Viall came up on After the Final Rose. (To her credit, Andi was having none of it.) Based on the promo, it seems like Kaitlyn is in for similar treatment. Some viewers definitely thought so; many took to Twitter to express their dismay over the producers’ perceived slut-shaming of Kaitlyn.

“I made a mistake. That doesn’t mean I’m a bad person,” Kaitlyn wails in the video. Let’s hope the producers remember that this season.

TIME Television

The Bachelorette Recap: America, This Is Your Bachelorette

Someone is crying in a limo tonight

After last night’s dramatic, drunken and degrading episode, The Bachelorette season premiere continues. Yesterday, the men all put their roses in either Kaitlyn’s or Britt’s box and chose their woman. Tonight the votes are tallied, and one of these women will be named Bachelorette, and the other will go home crying in a limo (again). Let’s get on with the drama.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

The Bachelorette Is: When the show starts, Chris Harrison does not beat around the bush, he makes a beeline for Britt and immediately informs her in the most circumspect way possible that she is not the Bachelorette. She lets it sink in for a bit before thanking him for the opportunity. Then he walks her out, gives her a big hug and sends her on her away for her second sad sack limo ride. She has no qualms about crying her eyes out in the limo (again) and doubting all her life choices (again) and convincing herself that she will ever find love (again). Never forget that after years of Bachelor finales, Chris is well trained in the art of vagueness, so it should come as no surprise that he told Kaitlyn of her victory like so: “Unfortunately, Kaitlyn,” he began, she starts nodding and crying accepting defeat, before he finishes, “I had to send Britt home.” To her credit, Kaitlyn asked if Britt was O.K. Chris assured her that she was a bit shocked, but otherwise fine. As Kaitlyn takes a minute to hyperventilate. Chris is right there for her, not helping. He tells her she’s the Bachelorette, which makes her hyperventilate more, and then he reminds her that she has to stop hyperventilating because she has a Rose Ceremony to oversee, which makes her both hyperventilate and swear. (They could overdub the swearing, but the heavy breathing was there to stay.) Chris then leaves so she can pull herself together and call her mother and try not puke simultaneously. Her mother unhelpfully tells her to get out there and find her a son in law. No pressure!

The Big Reveal: Chris Harrison walks into a room full of men (and probably the smell of sweat and musk, after all that time trying to stake their claim to a woman [insert caveman chest thump]). Chris tells them that their rose votes have been counted, and a new Bachelorette has been chosen. Kaitlyn walks in and the men leap to their feet, cheering.

The Official Meet and Greet: While Kaitlyn had met all of the men earlier in the evening, she had to share that time with Britt. With Britt safely crying in her limo, Kaitlyn gets to sift through her sloppy seconds, brush off all of Britt’s cooties, and start over. To help her on her journey is the First Impression Rose. (Yes, grammarians, that’s a proper noun.)

The Menfolk and Their Feelings: Some of the men are thrilled that Kaitlyn is the woman they will be pursuing. People like Joshua the welder who gave her a steel rose, which sounds like something out of a Poison song. And Ian, who is thrilled it’s her, but forgot to bring her any presents. Then there are the men who were solidly Team Britt and have to re-evaluate their feelings. You can see the little cogs in their heads shifting and changing directions and reassessing Kaitlyn’s attractiveness levels. Like Tony the healer, who is having a hard time transitioning his energies from Britt to Kaitlyn, even though he originally wanted to vote for Kaitlyn. He’s a flip-flopper! Healer, heal thyself. Jared makes the brave choice to tell Kaitlyn that he put his rose in the box for Britt, but is totally willing to try putting his rose in her box too. Brady the singer-songwriter doesn’t know what to do with all his feelings for Britt. Maybe write a song for her?

Bachelorette Milestone: First kiss! During their first real interaction, Chris the dentist boldly went where no man on the show had gone before, and Kaitlyn let him. Naturally all the men watched the make-out session from inside the house.

The First Impression Rose: Kaitlyn had her eye on Shawn the personal trainer from the moment he stepped out of the limo. So it’s only fitting that despite the fact that she kissed Chris, that she give Shawn the First Impression Rose. Then they kiss, because that’s what you do when you are trying to find a husband on national television … or in real life.

The Rose Ceremony, Part I: The first name Kaitlyn calls at her very first Rose Ceremony is Chris, the dentist she kissed. He’s followed into rose-holding bliss by Ben H. a software salesman from Denver, with JJ, a banker, also from Denver, rounding out the top three. Then came Joe, Kupah, Daniel the fashion designer, Ryan B. (a.k.a. the only Ryan left), Joshua, the welder, Tony the healer and … hold that thought.

The Drama: Brady the singer songwriter stops the ceremony. He needs to talk to Kaitlyn. As all the men stare in shock (shock!) that this could be happening, Brady takes Kaitlyn outside and tells her that he is leaving. He has real(ish) feelings for Britt and needs to follow his heart. Or at least write a song about it later. Kaitlyn shrugs, and he heads off into the sunset.

The Other Drama: As Kaitlyn talks to Brady, it turns out that all the men all seem to know who voted for Britt and who voted for Kaitlyn. The longtime Kaitlyn boosters already have it out for the Team Britt men, vowing revenge if they are sent home early. It’s like the Chicago political machine, but with more hair gel and fewer wire taps.

Rose Ceremony, Part II: With Brady on his way out the door and the ceremony back under way, Clint accepts Kaitlyn’s rose, then there’s a Tanner, a Corey (or maybe a Cory?), an Ian, another Ben, a Justin and someone else maybe? They all blur together into an attractive mix of straight teeth and aftershave. The final rose of the evening went to Jared, because he was honest.

Biggest Mistake: The man who rolled up in a Hot Tub Car got cut in the first round. He deserved better!

Best Reason to Tune In This Season: This season of The Bachelorette goes where no season of The Bachelorette (or for that matter The Bachelor) has gone before.

TIME Television

Why Did The Bachelorette Let Rape Jokes Air?

A drunk contestant's bad behavior proves the show has a real problem

On Monday’s premiere of The Bachelorette, the reality show debuted its big twist. Instead of letting the woman choose her suitors as per the show’s usual formula, two women, Britt Nilsson and Kaitlyn Bristowe, would compete for the men’s attention. At the end of a cocktail party, 25 potential suitors would vote for whoever they would prefer to woo over the course of the season. It was a controversial move that turns the ostensibly woman-powered Bachelor spin-off on its head, giving all the control back to the scrum of men. But we were willing to give it a chance. Last night, though, The Bachelorette went too far, allowing misogynistic comments, threats of rape and wholly inappropriate behavior to slide in the name of a game and supposedly “good” television.

The premiere began with a cavalcade of handsome suitors heading into a cocktail party after staking their claim on either Britt or Kaitlyn. (You can read a full recap here.) These parties are usually where contestants tend to overindulge and last night was no exception. The main culprit was a man named Ryan M., a 28-year old “junkyard specialist” hailing from Kansas City, Mo. Ryan got wasted in primetime and sat in the shrubbery, heckling suitors who arrived, yelling, “You suck!” from the bushes. He then drunkenly escorted Britt outside for some one-on-one time, proceeding to hug her and touch her face until one of the other suitors distracted him with the promise of another drink. Then Ryan slapped Kaitlyn’s rear as she walked by and she scowled at him, but presumably because of the show’s set-up, she couldn’t just take the power into her own hands and kick him off. Instead, she just had to take it. Both women were rendered defenseless by the fact that they needed to earn as many votes as possible to stay on the show. As he stripped down for the pool, Ryan declared that he was, “Totally horned up.” And that’s not even the worst of it.

Finally another contestant confronted Ryan about his behavior, and Ryan replied, “Why am I not raping you right now? That’s my whole thing.” The other suitor looked horrified and called him out on it, causing Ryan to simply yell, “You suck!” and stumble onward. It was a shocking moment of literal — not implied — rape culture come to life on the small screen, with one drunken loser spewing horrible things on television. Still, the cameras just rolled and a producer in an editing booth somewhere decided to leave that clip in.

When producers finally had enough of Ryan’s antics, a giant Bachelorette bouncer sent him to speak to host Chris Harrison outside of the house. “I hate to do this, but you’re clearly not here for either one of these girls or for sincere reasons,” Harrison told the disgraced contestant. “I really think it’s best if you go home. There’s a car waiting for you.” And with that, Ryan was finally sent packing.

Good riddance, but let’s back up a second. While sending Ryan off, Harrison said, “I hate to do this.” Why would he hate do that? Seems like kicking off a man who got drunk, stripped, inappropriately grabbed one of the show’s stars and then threatened to rape another contestant would be the sort of person you should enjoy sending home. It would set a good precedent not only for future contestants, but also for the at-home audience. Instead, Harrison made it clear that they weren’t sending Ryan home for his inappropriate conduct, or for getting black-out drunk, but because “he wasn’t there for the right reasons.” That reasoning seems to imply that the show and its mission of following one of these women on their journey to find love, was more important than a man acting wildly inappropriately toward the women and threatening violence on national television. It makes it seem like the producers don’t care about his conduct as long as he was “there for the right reasons.”

While The Bachelorette is not the most feminist of franchises — there’s an ongoing discussion about the show’s perceived slut shaming — there was something refreshing about a woman choosing a partner on her own terms (well, terms worked out in advance with the producers). This season was already shaking things up by removing any sense of female empowerment from the show, by letting the women compete for the men’s votes. But after last night, it seems clear that the show has lost its way. Whether viewers are Team Britt or Team Kaitlyn, it’s unlikely that they are Team Misogyny.

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