TIME Television

The Bachelorette Finale: Did Kaitlyn Choose Nick or Shawn?

KAITLYN BRISTOWE
Rick Rowell—ABC

Happily ever after?

Tonight Kaitlyn’s journey on The Bachelorette draws to a close, and as the preshow prompter asks, “Will Kaitlyn choose jealous Shawn or passionate, intense Nick,” which makes both of them sound like total duds. Will the show end in a proposal? A double dumping? Will she pull a Mesnick? Or some new iteration? Let’s find out.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

Kaitlyn’s Family Time: Kaitlyn meets her family in some anonymous mansion in a sunny clime. She tells her family that she’s in love, but admits in the interview that she may be in love with two men. She also told her family that the two finalists really hate each other and that she hooked up Nick. (Who tells their parents that?) While Kaitlyn begs her family to ignore everything they know about Nick from his last appearance on The Bachelorette, her wise mother Leslie pointed out that she shouldn’t have to completely discount her opinion of Nick from his time on Andi’s season, because it was a thing that happened.

Nick Meets the Family: Nick kindly/smartly brings wine and flowers to meet Kaitlyn’s happily blended family. First question out of Leslie’s mouth: Why are you here, Nick? Leslie should be fast-tracked to sainthood. Over lunch at some mystery mansion (it’s a rental, and I have the press release to prove it) Leslie admits that her opinion of Nick was not very flattering, which is when the producers cut to Kaitlyn saying that if her mother doesn’t like a guy, she’s out. For her one on one with Nick, Leslie strings together a group of unflattering adjectives about his behavior with Andi, and Nick just nods and smiles and says he loves Kaitlyn and only came on the show for her. Then he says about Kaitlyn, “It’s hard for her to open up” — and the fact that he said that with a straight face is a testament to Botox. Then Nick starts crying while asking Leslie for her daughter’s hand in marriage. And just like that, Leslie is Team Nick. Moms are silly like that. Kaitlyn’s sister Haley (Hailey? Halley? Halee?) just hopes that Nick is there for the right reasons, a line she was probably waiting the entire season to say.

Shawn Meets the Family: Shawn shows up to the rental in a button-up shirt that truly impresses Leslie, but despite his tucked-in shirt, she has a few questions for him. Specifically, she wants to know how Shawn is dealing with the fact that Kaitlyn and Nick hooked up. She wants to know how he will deal with jealousy in the outside world, because he didn’t do such a great job on the show. Shawn delivers some squishy answers and just keeps saying that he acted like that just because his feelings for Kaitlyn are so strong, which sounds like the noise a giant red flag makes when it’s waving over someone’s oversize head. For some reason, Kaitlyn’s sister Haley has decided that she’s fully Team Shawn. She claims it’s because she thinks Kaitlyn is good with him, but really it’s because she saw the last episode and knows that Shawn wears Spanx.

Bachelorette Milestone: Kaitlyn stares off into the middle distance before her final date with Nick.

Nick’s Final Date: Kaitlyn and Nick float their boat and stare into each others’ eyes and talk about how great it is that they are where they are. Presumably the editors cut the part where they wonder why they are on a catamaran off the coast of California instead of in Bali or Thailand or the Pearl Islands. What happened to your travel budget, show? As Kaitlyn gets ready for her dinner date, she tells that camera that “He goes there,” and there is no interest in finding out if that’s a euphemism. Nick shows up for their dinner in a fugly striped shirt unbuttoned to his nipple line and Kaitlyn takes a long sip of wine as she starts to question her taste in men. They head to the Fantasy Suite and Nick tells Kaitlyn that he has a present for her in the bedroom. Um, she already unwrapped that present and told her mom about it, Nick. Turns out it wasn’t that, but a poem. Why do so many Bachelorette contestants all insist on writing poems? Just buy her some Chipotle and give her a back massage, you weirdos. Kaitlyn tells the camera that she is in love with Nick.

Shawn’s Final Date: The happy couple canoodles in a winery, and Shawn casually asks her, “What else is going on?” And instead of talking about the Iran deal and the implications for Israel or an ingrown hair on her tush, Kaitlyn shrugs, “Nothing.” Then they stare awkwardly at each other for way too long. The uncomfortable date made Shawn question his relationship status, so for their final date, they just hang out on the couch in Shawn’s executive suite at the Long Beach Airport Marriott or wherever they stuck him. Kaitlyn interviews that “it was all her fault” that the date when badly. Don’t blame yourself, Kaitlyn, Shawn is needy and anxious. Shawn presents Kaitlyn with a jar full of memories and they laugh at all that time they spent in San Antonio. Based on the bleak edit Shawn is getting, Kaitlyn will probably choose him, so it’s good that Shawn can’t wait to propose to Kaitlyn.

Bachelorette Milestone: Kaitlyn cries to the camera over the fact that she knows she is going to break someone’s heart tomorrow. It kills her to say good-bye to someone who doesn’t see it coming.

The Rings: Neil Lane shows up for his annual appearance with a case of diamond rings in tow. Shawn picks a massive square-cut diamond. Nick is really convinced that Kaitlyn is going to pull an Andi and show up at his door and tell him to go home. Instead, it’s just Neil Lane. Nick hugs him in glee and then chirpily tells him that he picked a ring before, but then got jilted, which is not exactly something to brag about. Then he tells Neil about the claddagh rings they got in Ireland and Neil shrugs, “That’s nice. Want to look at some real rings, chucklehead?”

The Limo Ride: The camera cuts back and forth between Nick and Shawn making anxious faces, twisting their hands nervously, staring at the massive diamond rings someone just handed them.

The Arrivals: First to arrive at the mansion is Nick, which does not bode well for his future with Kaitlyn. Nick delivers his whole spiel, telling her how much he loves her and wants to spend his life with her. She lets him roll, but kindly cuts him off before he drops to one knee. She looks like she is going to pass out before she utters two fatal words: “I’m sorry.” While she promised Nick that she wouldn’t let it get to this point, she totally did. (Oops?) She tells him that she needed every moment to make the decision, but he’s not impressed. He loved her. She claims that she feels the same, but he stops her, “No, you don’t. If you did you would have a ring on your finger right now.” He coldly tells her, “You don’t love me.” In short: he’s out. That makes him 0-2 for The Bachelorette. Think he’ll go for a third or just start tweeting at the other former Bachelor runner-ups? Wonder what Becca is up to these days …

The Proposal: So it turns out that Kaitlyn’s Snapchat was not a red herring. She wants to spend her life (a.k.a. the next six months until the contract is up) waking up to stare into the face of a guy who looks like Ryan Gosling, if Ryan Gosling got hit in the face with that shovel that sounds like Nirvana. Kaitlyn has pulled herself together (although her hair needs a fluffer) and beams at Shawn as he approaches her. He delivers a heartfelt speech about how much he loves her. She reminds him that she gave him the First Impression Rose and never looked back. She finally tells him that she loves him with all her heart and will love him forever (or six months, which ever comes first). He proposes, she pins a rose on him, and tell the world that they are in love. For now.

After the Final Rose: For some reason, Nick’s little sister is in the audience to watch him suffer at the hands of Chris Harrison and Kaitlyn. Hopefully she’ll leap from the stage and demand answers from Kaitlyn about why she lied about seeing her as a future sister. Nick finally explains that he and Kaitlyn had a relationship that pre-existed The Bachelorette. He came on the show to prove his feelings were real and was hurt by her rejection, but has grown, much like his beard. Chris Harrison asks Nick and Shawn if they want to hug it out — turns out they don’t.

Kaitlyn and Nick: At the last After the Final Rose, Nick asked Andi why she slept with him if she didn’t love him. This time, he wants to know why Kaitlyn told him she loved him, but then chose Shawn. She tells him that she did love him, but she just didn’t love him as much as she loved Shawn. Ouch. That honest enough for you, Nick? Nick also wonders why Kaitlyn didn’t send him home earlier, but she doesn’t have as pithy of an answer, shrugging that she wanted him to look good?

Kaitlyn and Shawn: Kaitlyn said it feels like Christmas to come out as a couple, because now they can share Spanx. Shawn is thrilled to finally be out in the open, because he can’t wait to defend his woman against the cyberbullies. Then they make out on the couch for an awkwardly long time. Awww?

TIME Television

The Bachelorette Recap: All About Bromance, Bullying and Bachelor in Paradise

The Bachelorette used the opportunity to take a strong stance against cyberbullying.

Tonight on The Bachelorette, the men told all, but really said nothing. These peeks behind the gilded curtains of the show are an interesting look at the behind-the-scenes drama complete with feuds, grudges, and chips for dips’ shoulders. It’s a riotous two hours of half-remembered faces shouting about unmemorable tiffs that mostly exist just to kill time until the finale. But in age-old Bachelorette tradition, it ain’t over until there’s a lot of shouting.

Here’s what happened when the men told all on The Bachelorette:

Bachelor in Paradise Is Coming: Gird your loins, because an all new season of Bachelor in Paradise starts soon, and the only things you need to know are that the promo features Claire and her raccoon friend and Ashley I. saying: “Jared’s definitely hot enough to be my first.” The entire concept is so devious, according to one savvy tweeter, only Donald Trump could have come up with it:

Ian Begs Princeton for Forgiveness: After presumably getting bumped from the cover of Princeton’s alumni magazine, Ian showed up to beg for forgiveness from his Bachelorette brethren, America and the Princeton alumni association. While Ian took to bended knee to apologize for his rude behavior, the men couldn’t help but pillory him with Tanner—who was apparently on the show long enough to get sick of hearing Ian prattle about Princeton — going so far as to suggest that Princeton teach a class on “how not to be an a–hole.” The only person to come to Ian’s defense was investment banker Corey, who claims to agree with the spirit of Ian’s speech to Kaitlyn, if not the delivery, which leads Ben H. to spring into action and ask Corey, “How many weeks were you there?” Exactly. After Ian apologized for his un–Ivy League behavior, a few men from lesser colleges came to hug him, probably in an attempt to rub him for luck getting into Ivy League graduate programs.

The Great Clint and J.J. Bromance: Clint, the engineer who looks like a C-list Thor, started his reputation-redemption tour by assuring the audience that he is “a straight man.” The producers couldn’t help but cut to J.J. for a reaction shot, but there really wasn’t one. When not being an egotistical monster with fake Hemsworth hair, Clint can make some good points, like when he scolded Josh (the welder who let Kaitlyn cut exactly half of his hair) for valuing his own opinions about who Kaitlyn should date over her own and, more charmingly, Clint called the limo that ousted contestants take on the long ride to the airport “the depression mobile.” And then there was the whole J.J.-Clint bromance, which was so clearly patched together by bored producers and aided and abetted by the two chuckleheads at the center of the action. J.J. swore there was “a lot of meat to that relationship,” which may or may not be euphemism. They were just two guys who were intellectually curious about each other, O.K.?

Kupah Kares: Kupah has a lot of lingering feelings about the fact that Kaitlyn invited Nick onto the show – even though it happened weeks after Kupah was sent home.

Ben Z. in the Hot Seat: While The Bachelorette has a lot of fun and games and roses, turns out that Ben didn’t really think it was fun or a game to have to give a eulogy to Kaitlyn so soon after his own mother’s death. That said, he still hasn’t cried over his mother or the fake death of his fake girlfriend.

Jared in the Hot Seat: Chris Harrison doesn’t think Jared is over Kaitlyn, but when he asks, Jared plays it cool saying, “I am moving on. I am excited to see her and it will be hard to see her.” The best way to move on from a reality-TV girlfriend? Another reality-TV girlfriend this time on Bachelor in Paradise.

Ben H. in the Hot Seat: Poor Ben H. Turns out that if he had skipped just one shower he could have been a contender. Apparently ,when they were in San Antonio, a.k.a. the Romance Capital of Western Bexar County, Ben and Shawn were roomies and Kaitlyn came to pay them a visit. When Ben H. opted for personal hygiene instead of interpersonal hijinx, Kaitlyn told Shawn he was “the one” and Ben H. never had a chance. Hope it was a good shower, at least!

Kaitlyn in the Hot Seat: The men have a few questions for their collective ex-girlfriend. Jonathan wants to know why Kaitlyn decided to bring Nick onto the show, and she shuts him down — very sweetly — by reminding him that he voted for Britt. Ben H. wants to know why she told Shawn about sleeping with Nick, but not him. She apologized, but basically she just was more into Shawn and wanted him to know the truth. Jared wants to know if their much-discussed “road trip” was a euphemism for anything, and she winked at him and said no. More or less, anyway. Kaitlyn cut off any more debate by saying: “You guys, try and date this many people at one time and don’t make a mistake and have it all televised. I dare you. It’s hard.”

Just Say No to Cyber-Slut-Shaming: Kaitlyn is the first Bachelorette in Bachelorette history to be very overt in her sexuality, and because of that she has been getting death threats. Seriously. Death threats for admitting to having sex with a guy she was dating. Chris Harrison decides to use the illustrious forum of The Men Tell All to make a serious point about cyberbullying. He reads aloud some of the more disturbing tweets Kaitlyn has received — and they are some doozies (primarily sent by people who don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re.” Kaitlyn looked suitably horrified at the NSFW comments sent to her and the audience is stunned into complete silence, until a girl in the crowd yells, “We still love you!” and the audience and her former suitors give her a standing ovation. Then Chris Harrison kindly tells her: “I will take you as a role model for my kids over anybody who would be a cyberbully and spew that kind of hate.”

Worst Thing About the Show: Not enough Tony the Healer. How’s he doing? Has he found peace? Where are his plants?

Best Blooper: If you can’t make it to the theater to see Amy Schumer in Trainwreck, just watch this clip on a loop until the movie comes out on Netflix.

Read next: 6 Streaming Packages That Will Let You Cut the Cord For Good

Download TIME’s mobile app for iOS to have your world explained wherever you go

TIME Television

The Bachelorette Recap: Fantasy Suites and Family Friction

Overnight dates help Kaitlyn find two final suitors

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, where Kaitlyn’s path to love is taking her on a tour of the Irish countryside and straight to the Fantasy Suites with her three remaining suitors — Shawn, Ben H., and repeat offender Nick. Last week she had an overnight escapade (well, another one) with Nick, and it helped her figure out her feelings. Now Kaitlyn just has to sort out her feelings for Ben and Shawn — in the Fantasy Suites, of course.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

The Drama: Shawn has decided that it’s time to talk to Nick and accuse him of not being there for the right reasons, but to his face for once and not just behind his back. Then Shawn brings up last season’s drama with Andi, but Nick is having none of that. They talk loudly at each other in a vaguely civil manner and then suddenly Shawn leaves. The end. Good talk. Later, Kaitlyn interviews that Nick and Shawn hate each other so much that it’s actually affecting her feelings for both of them.

The Overnight With Ben: Kaitlyn goes to meet Ben H. in Galway, probably just to get far, far away from Nick and Shawn. It’s the first overnight date, and they are both excited to get to know each other off camera, as the kids are calling it these days. “You are getting on this large animal that you might not have control of,” says Kaitlyn — oh wait, she was talking about a horse, not the impending night in the Fantasy Suite. She and Ben wear matching woolen sweaters, ride horses, feed some obstreperous donkeys, and make out everywhere. Kaitlyn says Ben is a “calming presence” who always makes her feel better. He wants to start a life together, and she mutters something about forever. So she’ll probably cut him. As they prepare to feast in a castle, Ben admits that he turned 26 on the show, and since Kaitlyn is almost 30 he’s worried that the age difference will come between them. She swears that his age doesn’t bother her. Then they head to the Fantasy Suite to prove it. When the cameras join them in the morning, Kaitlyn smirks that they got maybe half an hour of sleep and claims she’s falling for Ben. She’s definitely dumping him.

The Overnight With Shawn: Kaitlyn has sufficiently recovered from her date with Ben for her date with Shawn. They are going golfing, and Kaitlyn has a good enough swing that Shawn ticks it off “the checklist of wife material.” She beats him soundly at the game, and for her prize she orders him to strip down. He does, revealing that he wore Spanx underneath his golf pants. Then Kaitlyn steals his clothes, and Shawn chases her across the golf course in nothing but a black box. Presumably this is how every game in the Masters tournament ends. Kaitlyn admits that she and Shawn have had the most ups and downs of any of her relationships, but instead of seeing it as a giant red flag, she seems to thrive on it. So during dinner she grills him about Nick until smoke comes out of his ears like a character in a Merry Melody cartoon. Then she presents him with the Fantasy Suite card. They don’t even fake debate it, but head straight to the room. Kaitlyn claims that when she wakes up in the morning she’s going to know a lot more about whether Shawn could be her husband.

More Drama: Nick comes to talk to Shawn man to man. Shawn makes sure to mention that he just spent a whole night with Kaitlyn and suggests that they compare black boxes. Then he talks over Nick for a few minutes and then kicks him out. Shawn is so enraged by their encounter that he marches into the no-camera zone of the bathroom. Nick is unimpressed.

The Rose Ceremony: Chris Harrison emerges from the golf course? (Sauna? Wine cellar? Book tour?) to help Kaitlyn parse her relationships. She admits that she really likes Shawn and loves her time with Nick, but the drama between them is affecting her. Then there is Ben, who is “such a sweetheart.” That’s pretty much the death knell, right? She tells Chris, “I don’t want to blindside anybody, but I’m going to.” When she goes to face her suitors she realizes it is the harshest round of F/M/K anyone could play, and she loses it and runs to the hallway to cry. She finally returns and hands Nick the first rose. The final rose goes to Shawn. Ben looks sad, so Kaitlyn walks him out and whispers to him that he’ll probably be the next Bachelor. He looks torn up as he leaves. It’s just too bad that he can’t meet a nice lady out of say a pack of 25 eligible women … oh wait. Back inside, Shawn and Nick stand awkwardly next to each other, refusing to acknowledge that the other exists. The cameras just roll and roll while they avoid making eye contact with each other. Truly compelling television.

Meet the Family: Nick Edition: For some reason Nick’s entire extended family is crammed into the conference room of an anonymous hotel in Utah. Do they live there? Before they go to meet the family in this fake hometown date, Nick tells Kaitlyn he loves her, like, for real. They make out outside the hotel for a while and then go to the fifth-floor conference room for their appointment. Kaitlyn meets Nick’s brothers, and after she passes their apathetic test well enough, Bella, Nick’s adorable little sister, straight-up asks Kaitlyn, “Do you love my brother?” Kaitlyn hedges and Bella shrugs, cause she’s been through this rigamarole before with Andi. Then Nick’s mom pours herself a big glass of wine and goes to grill the second girl Nick has brought home from the TV. After pretending to care about meeting Kaitlyn for long enough, Nick’s mom goes to talk to her son. He assures her that Kaitlyn is “really good at making out,” which is the No. 1 item on his wife checklist. His mother bravely doesn’t make a gagging noise.

Meet the Family: Shawn Edition: Shawn’s mom “couldn’t make it” to the fake-hometown dates, probably because she doesn’t know that Kaitlyn is really good at making out. Or she just didn’t want to fly to Utah or wherever they are this time. Instead Shawn’s sisters came to grill Kaitlyn about her feelings. Kaitlyn tells them that Shawn caught her eye on the very first date and has never let him go, but she wants to know if Shawn is actually ready for marriage. The sisters assure her he is, and they all giggle and braid each others’ hair. Shawn’s dad however is having none of it. He is not here to make friends. He pulls Shawn aside and reminds him that this is all nuts. Eventually Shawn gets him on board, though. After his family gives her the seal of approval, Shawn tells Kaitlyn that he is in love with her.

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: The men tell all!

TIME Television

The Bachelorette Recap: Kissing and Confessions in Ireland

Suitors get competitive and angry

Welcome back to The Bachelorette. When we last saw Kaitlyn she was on her path to love, which included running away from Chris the Dentist, who was crying on the Cliffs of Moher, like the brokenhearted hero in an Irish folk tale. Kaitlyn has bigger issues to deal with, like the fact that since she “was intimate” with Nick, the producers decided she needed to confess her carnality to the other men and then go ahead and be “intimate” with the rest of the men to level the playing field, so to speak. With the Fantasy Suites looming and family visits after that, she has a lot of things to think about besides Chris the Dentist’s fate. Don’t worry, Kaitlyn, he’s undoubtedly been taken in by a kindly leprechaun who gave him a new identity in exchange for dental care.

Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelorette:

Bachelorette Milestone: “Things are getting so serious now, it’s scary,” said Kaitlyn.

First Date: Kaitlyn invited Ben H. for a ride in her dinghy, which is not a euphemism, but could be. As they row to a private island, Kaitlyn is not in a good mood, but she wants Ben H., who is now the only Ben on the show, yet still merits the moniker, to see her when she is not in a good mood, which may be the most realistic thing to ever happen on The Bachelorette. Unfortunately, Ben H. cheered Kaitlyn right up so much so that she told him, “You’re husband material” — and isn’t that what got her in the Shawn situation in the first place? Dial down the enthusiasm, Kaitlyn! But no, instead she insists she is “feeling all the feelings [she] should be feeling when [she’s] falling in love.” Later they drink some Guinness, and Ben H. admits that he thought he was “unlovable” after his last relationship, but Kaitlyn swears she is possibly maybe falling in love with him. Ben H. thinks Kaitlyn makes him a better person. When she asks him about the overnight dates, and he says they don’t have to be physical, Kaitlyn asks him if he’s a virgin. No, really. He assures her that he is not, and she cracks up laughing. Good joke.

Group Date: Kaitlyn took Joe, Shawn and Nick out for a three-on-one date, which is also not a euphemism. Kaitlyn decides that now is a great time to tell Shawn that she slept with Nick. But right before she ruins his millennium, Nick interrupts them for his one-on-one time with Kaitlyn. Shawn grumbles, but he has no idea that Nick just saved him from a very uncomfortable conversation. Why does Kaitlyn need to tell Shawn again? Anyway, Nick sits down and tells Kaitlyn that he liked her before he came on the show and she’s “not just the Bachelorette to him,” which is either actually pretty sweet or we’ve all been watching this show too long. Then Kaitlyn has to talk to Joe, and she is clearly trying to dump him from the get-go, but she kisses him awhile and lets him declare his love for her first. She admits that she is just not that into him. Or his hair. Or his personality. She realized that they “are not on the same page,” which is a euphemism. He says, “It’s cool.” And when she asks why he’s upset with him, he says, “Why would I be? No worries, man.” (Which is worse, the question or the answer?) When she goes to hug him good-bye, he refuses and storms off into the shrubbery. And then there were two, but Kaitlyn doesn’t feel like giving either Nick or Shawn the rose. She tells Nick they had a great conversation, and she’ll see him at the Rose Ceremony, but she needs a little more time with Shawn and will see him later tonight. He can’t help but gloat.

Do-Over Date: While Nick sulks at the hotel, Kaitlyn goes for a second outing with Shawn. He’s ready to canoodle, but she has something on her mind. When she struggles to blurt out that she slept with Nick, he assures her she can tell him anything. She stumbles through the confession and admits that they had sex, but thinks “it went too far.” Shawn looks uncomfortable. She stares at him. He asks her if she regrets it, and she admits she felt guilty. He admits that he has no idea why she is telling him. (No one knows why she is telling you, Shawn!) Shawn takes a moment to himself and heads straight to the men’s room, where he offers up this gem: “I’m so tense I can’t even piss.” He eventually decides to thank her for the honesty. He has decided to “man up” and “just deal with it.” He tells Kaitlyn he won’t storm out because, “I want you,” which is actually kind of creepy.

The Rose Ceremony (Finally!): Even Kaitlyn is shocked to find herself facing just four remaining suitors. It’s like the dwindling party, but with more kissing. She tells the men that she is confident that she “made the right decisions,” but that doesn’t mean the journey to find love hasn’t been “extremely painful.” She boldly offers the first rose to Shawn. Not so fast: he wants to talk to her first. Hopefully she wants to talk to him about his hair. He wants to know one thing: why Nick? She replies by saying, “Telling you you were the one was a mistake.” (Don’t worry, one of the producers handed him some ointment for that sick burn.) She told him to back off and let her make her own choices and that she doesn’t think he trusts her, and that’s a problem. They go back to the Rose Ceremony, and he accepts the rose. He interviews that he is going to try and get past this.

The Rose Ceremony (Again!): Kaitlyn comes back and asks Ben H. if he wants a rose. He accepts and the lack of drama is both refreshing and somewhat confusing. Chris Harrison points out that it’s down to the final rose of the evening. As the camera pans between Jared and Nick, Shawn’s disembodied voice intones that if she gives “the other guy” a rose, they will be heading to the overnight dates, and he doesn’t know if he can handle it. Nick gets the rose, of course. Shawn looks hurt, perhaps even more hurt than Jared, who is the one heading home. Jared takes his leave with dignity and class. He offers her his coat when she looks cold, tells her that she will always have a place in his heart and that he hopes she finds the man of her dreams because she deserves it. As he leaves, she instantly regrets all of her decision, which is probably exactly what he wanted. Sneaky, Jared, very sneaky.

First Overnight Date: Nick and Kaitlyn spend some alone time in Dublin and they seem to have an easy, natural chemistry, which seems surprising after so much drama, tension and stress. They hit a pub, swap stories and start chatting up the locals. (“Irish is still English!” Kaitlyn swears.) They are having a great time, but Shawn, who has still not figured out the point of this show, is still miserable. Meanwhile, Nick is ready to “connect with [Kaitlyn] on every possible level,” which includes the level of getting down in the dirt and throwing shade on Shawn, who apparently is “eskimo brothers” with “a famous country singer.” Obviously it kills the mood. Until the Fantasy Suite card comes out and Nick tells Kaitlyn that he wants to have her be the first thing he sees in the morning. Kaitlyn pranks him by taking him to a jail cell filled with candles. He shrugs, cause he’ll go anywhere with her. They head to the real product-placed resort and wake up next to each other for a shirtless breakfast.

The Drama: Shawn couldn’t handle the truth. So he decides to dial-a-fight with Nick. (Fun fact: when Shawn calls to ask for his room, it’s the first time he ever says Nick’s name.) They meet on neutral turf for Shawn to get some stuff off his chest. Shawn accuses him of not being there for the right reasons, which is Bachelorette-ese for fighting words.

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Kaitlyn can “feel the hate” between Nick and Shawn. Will they box or sumo wrestle for her affection? Tune in next week to find out if either turns to the Dark Side of the Force.

Britt and Brody Update, Part XVII: They are trying a long distance relationship! It will really be a test of their relationship

TIME Television

The Bachelorette Watch: Getting Really Real In Ireland

KAITLYN BRISTOWE, JARED
Clodagh Kilcoyne—ABC The Bachelorette Episode 1106 — Six suitors are at first eerily unnerved and then, amused, when they attend a traditional "fake" Irish wake — for Kaitlyn — and must "eulogize" her

Things get shaken up

Welcome back to The Bachelorette where Kaitlyn has consummated her relationship with Nick and apparently told Shawn that he was The One and is now doubting all of her choices on her Path to Love. So much drama, so little time. Moving forward, this show should definitely be four hours long.

Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelorette:

The Shawn Situation: Shawn sits in Kaitlyn’s room demanding to know if she is in love with him. She dithered and then said she was falling in love with him. He can’t handle the fact they had a great date and then she went on a date with someone else, which is, you know, the entire premise of the show. Later, Kaitlyn cries and cries to the camera. She feels awful. Not because she feels guilty about “being intimate” with Nick, it’s that her feelings for Shawn are overwhelming and she doesn’t want to hurt him. And she knows that she already has, he just doesn’t know it yet. It makes sense. Dating a baker’s dozen of guys is definitely hard, especially if you’re throwing sex into the mix with one of them, but presumably not all. Shawn claims that off camera Kaitlyn told him that he was the one, so she is now his girlfriend, the end. The show should just end now.

Two-on-One Date: Now that she has gone head-to-head with Britt, Kaitlyn probably recognizes the true horror of the dreaded two-on-one date as she has stared right into its nightmarish maw. Still she makes J.J. and Joe take part in their torture. As they explore some Irish island, Joe says he wants to focus on the relationship he has with Kaitlyn and express how he feels about her, while J.J. “needs” to tell Kaitlyn about the biggest regret of his entire life. Um, no, you probably don’t. During his Kaitlyn time, Joe swears he’s never felt this passionate before, but he says it like he had his entire face Botox’d for the occasion. He tells her he is falling in love with her — once again without registering any emotion in his face-and they make out. Guess she’s into a guy who doesn’t mind a little cosmetic upkeep. J.J. uses his alone time to tell Kaitlyn that he cheated on his now ex-wife. He swears it was a learning experience. Kaitlyn applauds his honesty and then bids him farewell. He wipes his nose on his hand and pats her on the leg. He claims he feels blind sided by her decision. Meanwhile, Kaitlyn makes Joe earn his date rose. They make out while Shawn’s disembodied voice talks about his feeeeeeeeelings.

The Shawn Situation, Part II: When Joe comes back from his date saying he is falling in love with Kaitlyn, Shawn storms out of the room. He needs to talk to Kaitlyn. When the producers tell her that Shawn is on his way up, she flips out, convinced that he knows she slept with Nick and is going to have it out with her. She does not want to talk, but opens the door anyway (the producers probably make her stop hiding in the bathroom). She’s convinced she’s about to get an earful, but he just wants to talk about himself and his feelings and barely seems to notice that she’s crying. As he winges, she points out that they are on a reality show and if they are going to be together, they have to see it through to the end. Kaitlyn is unimpressed with his whining and realizes that she screwed up by reassuring Shawn about his place in her heart. She also knows it went too far with Nick, because she has other relationships to think about.

The Cocktail Party: She tells the guys that she has made some mistakes and had a rough week, but swears her heart is still open. The men do not look reassured while she chugs her wine and hyperventilates. When she slips away with Ben H., the men sit around trying to figure out what “mistakes” she made. Nick looks like he has a stolen Penny Black in his pocket (or, you know, is the guy who just slept with seven other guys’ girlfriend) and is trying to look innocent. Nick should rest easy because paranoid Shawn knows (knows!) she was referring to him. Despite the fact that Kaitlyn came to the cocktail party clearly rattled, Ben H. wants to talk about his feelings. Then Nick wants to talk about his feelings, but Kaitlyn wants to remind him not to kiss and tell. He starts to cry (?!) because of all his Big Feels and she has no choice but to make out with him. Then she talks to Shawn about his Big Feels and tells him that they have to dial down their emotions because there is still a lot of dating to get through. Man, Kaitlyn really deserves an Amy Schumer-sized glass of wine right now.

The Rose Ceremony: Chris Harrison finally shows up to chuck Kaitlyn on the chin and say ‘go get ’em tiger’ before sending her to the wolves. Nick, Jared, and Joe all have roses, which means there are only three roses to hand out. Ben H. gets the first rose, The Dentist gets the second rose, and Shawn is clearly sweating bullets down his dorky blue suit. As she holds the final rose of the evening, Kaitlyn looks like she’s going to cry as gives the final rose to Shawn. That means Ben Z and a guy apparently named Tanner who is apparently on this show is going home (apparently). Much like J.J., Ben Z was blind-sided by his dismissal by “cool girl” Kaitlyn.

Road Trip: Kaitlyn packs up her posse into a bus called a “Paddywagon,” but then invites Jared to go for a spin and get lucky in Ireland. They kiss the Blarney Stone, they kiss each other, they make out in her hotel room with cocktails in hand, she teaches him to drive stick shift, which is not a euphemism. Everything seems great. …Then Chris Harrison knocks on Kaitlyn’s door and tells her they are shaking things up. To even the playing field, the show is giving all the men “off camera time,” which is what they call it in the biz, apparently. However, she will need to cut her six remaining suitors to three, today. She will then have overnight dates with those three men and then meet their families after she’s spent a night in the Fantasy Suites. He also encourages her to make amends for her indiscretion or something gross. Chris leaves her alone to think about hanging out with the families of her suitors, post-Fantasy Suite. Should make excellent fodder for dinner table conversation!

Bachelorette Milestone: Kaitlyn invites The Dentist for a helicopter ride. They fly over the Cliffs of Moher, which are truly stunning, and as they pause for a picnic, Kaitlyn reminds us all that there is no rose on this date, because she is here to find herself a husband. She seems stressed and anxious and starts crying and it seems clear that she’s having the least fun of any Bachelorette ever. She cries and finally admits that she’s just not that into him. He would like more details for his logic board to process. She tells him again and he processes the information. He tells her that he really wishes she could be his wife, but hugs her goodbye and goes to cry over the Cliffs of Moher talking to himself in the third person, as he waits for the producers to call him for his audition to be The Bachelor (or the faerie folk to carry him off to care for their teeth).

Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: The Final Three are chosen (maybe).

TIME Television

The Bachelorette Recap: Oh My God, They Killed Kaitlyn

She died of shame after one relationship went too far

Welcome back to The Bachelorette. When we last saw Kaitlyn, she and Ian were getting ready for a showdown in San Antonio. Will he leave in a huff? Or maybe in a minute and a huff? Will he mention the fact that he went to Princeton? So many reasons to watch the show from the edge of your seat.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

The Ian Issue: When we last saw Ian, he was telling Kaitlyn that he is not a fan of the fart jokes floating around the house (as if it’s just “jokes” floating around the shared air of the house). Ian expected Kaitlyn to be a brokenhearted damsel still reeling from getting dumped by Chris so he could comfort her. Instead, he gets a girl who likes to laugh and kiss. Kaitlyn is “super offended” by him calling her shallow, surface level and just there to make out. Ian is super offended that she doesn’t recognize his intellect frequently and often (guessing!), so by mutual agreement, Ian leaves. “I’m not lame like the other guys,” he says as he rolls away in the limo, “I’m being punished for being an intellectual.” Don’t worry, he mentioned the fact that he went to Princeton. Maybe they’ll put him on the cover of the alumni magazine.

The Cocktail Party, Continued: In Ian’s Ivy League wake, Nick goes to comfort Kaitlyn. They canoodle on the couch and as the clock ticks, and Nick stays with Kaitlyn, the rest of the men get more and more ticked off. Finally Shawn goes to fight for his face time with his woman, but finds her sucking face with Nick, which turns his stomach (same here, Shawn, same here). While Shawn and Jared make barfy noises, Kaitlyn shrugs. She tells the camera that she thinks intimacy is an important part of a relationship, and if the physical part of the relationship isn’t there, that’s a deal breaker for her. So she’s a make-out bandit, and she just doesn’t care whatever anyone else says about it.

The Rose Ceremony: Chris Harrison finally shows up to talk with Kaitlyn, so she’s not stuck seeking advice from Ashley S. He soon sends her into the Alamo, where they are holding the Rose Ceremony, because the Alamo is a great metaphor for marriage or something. Ben H., Shawn and Nick all have roses already. Kaitlyn gives the first rose to Jared, followed by the Dentist, J.J. (really?), Joe (who looks like the extra roommate on The New Girl), Ben Z., and then she hands the final rose to Tanner. That means the Alamo was the last stand for some guy who looks like he spent too much time studying Steph from Pretty in Pink and for Joe, who not only got sent home, but got sent home with the world’s worst haircut.

On the Road Again: After surviving the Alamo, the roving mating ritual heads to Dublin. Kaitlyn thinks Dublin is a great place to fall in love.

First One-on-One Date: There are four men who have not had a one-on-one date yet, and Kaitlyn chooses to take Nick on the first date. It is the least politically savvy move she could make, and she does it with gusto. Shawn tries to kill Nick with his eyes, but sadly it doesn’t work. Instead Nick and Kaitlyn spend the day wandering the city’s parks, ogling Irish wedding bands, and making out against every wall in Ireland. This would be a good time for ABC to apologize to Ireland for all the cooties. Kaitlyn and Nick make out all through dinner. They whisper, they canoodle, they giggle, they kiss and then Kaitlyn invites him back to her hotel room “to hang out” (which is apparently what the kids are calling it these days). She interviews that when she’s with Nick, she forgets about the cameras and her eight other boyfriends. To prove this point, the producers cut back and forth between Nick and Kaitlyn kissing in her hotel room and Shawn and Jared talking about their feelings for Kaitlyn and their dislike of Nick. Cut to the bedroom door closing on Kaitlyn and Nick, cue the make-out noises. Cut to Shawn saying, “You just got to trust Kaitlyn.”

The Morning After: As the sun rises, Nick heads back to his room. Kaitlyn watches the sun rise over the balcony. She interviews that the “off-camera time with Nick” was unexpected but nice and she doesn’t want it to be an issue. She feels guilty, though, and then asks the off-camera producer, “Has this ever been an issue before?” She wonders, “if Chris and Britt did have sex, what would I have done?” Good question. She interviews that she “doesn’t feel guilty about the act” but about the other relationships. Nick comes in smiling like the cat that just ate the canary and none of the other cats know. Kaitlyn worries that Nick will spill the beans and ruin her other relationships. He talks about his date, mentioning that they went back to her suite, but swears it was just for chatting. Then he throws out the words “intimate” and “personal,” but doesn’t kiss and tell, yet. He’ll save it for the after the Final Rose Ceremony. Kaitlyn starts to regret her choice.

The Weirdest Group Date in Bachelorette History: Tanner, Shawn, the Dentist, Jared and Bens H. and Z. are met by Chris Harrison, who regrets to inform them that Kaitlyn has died. (From guilt, regret, and embarrassment, presumably.) They are tasked with eulogizing her with a traditional Irish wake, complete with poems, songs, Guinness and flowers, which Kaitlyn appreciates from inside a coffin. No, really, she spent the entire date in a coffin, which is the perfect place to repent for her sins. She feels slightly bad about making Ben Z. memorialize her, because his mom just died, and he may not see the humor in the situation, but she makes him do it anyway. Then she makes out with him from the coffin.

The After Party: To celebrate Kaitlyn’s miraculous return from the dead, the gang heads to the Guinness Brewery. She spends some quality time with each of the men (and some Guinness). She and Jared stare at the city, Shawn shows her photos of her family, Ben Z. stares at her with schmoopy eyes. Jared gets the Date Rose throwing Shawn into an existential shame spiral that winds up in a pit of despair of his own making. He does not seem to understand that his girlfriend is dating eight other men.

Bachelorette Milestone: Private concert time. Would any trip to Ireland be complete without an appearance by the Cranberries? Kaitlyn and Jared walk to a church and the Cranberries are there and play “Linger,” even though “Zombie” would be more appropriate, what with Kaitlyn coming back from the dead and all. Best lie of the night: Jared saying the Cranberries were his “favorite band.” That’s just hurting Dave Matthews’ feelings, Jared.

The Cliffhanger: Shawn goes to talk to a producer, because he can’t handle the competition. Kaitlyn told him that he was “The One” and now she’s on a date with Jared. He knows that the Fantasy Suites are coming up and he can’t handle that, saying he’s “about to cry.” He thinks Kaitlyn is “ruining everything” that they have and is “going to ruin it all.” He goes to Kaitlyn’s room to talk, when he really should go talk to a therapist about his anger, jealousy and insecurity issues. When he shows up at her door, Kaitlyn thinks that he knows about Nick. As they settle on the couch to talk (not a euphemism), the producers cut to her in an interview, crying about “a mistake” swearing that she never wanted to hurt anybody.

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Man tears. Woman tears. Slut shaming. Chris Harrison looking serious. It’s all happening next week on The Bachelorette.

The Brady and Britt Saga Continues: Britt brings Brady to meet her mom. They’ve been dating for two months.

TIME Television

The Bachelorette Recap: Will You Mariachi Me?

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, where we rejoin Kaitlyn’s journey to find Love and Truth and a man who is here for the right reasons and looks good in roses and isn’t wearing too much cologne (just guessing about that last part). When we last saw our fun-loving, loud-laughing heroine, she was considering giving Nick V. another chance at love. While even onion-loving Ashley S. thinks it’s a bad idea, Kaitlyn decides she has to trust her heart and invites Nick on to the show. She swears that she didn’t want to hurt the guys’ feelings, but did anyway.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

The Nick Situation: When we last saw Nick, he was engaged in the hellish act of trying to pull a suitcase through Times Square, a torture so horrible that even the Greek gods couldn’t have devised it. After that travail, he had to go to a hotel room with a dozen men who hated the fact that he was there to prove he was there for the right reason. Nick swears to the men that he is not there to cause drama or to make a scene, but because he likes Kaitlyn. The men prove that they are well read on their supermarket tabloids and grill Nick about the fact that he hung out with Bachelorette Andi a month ago. Nick swore it was just to bury the hatchet (in her back, probably). He swears he is here for Kaitlyn, but one man demands to know whether she is “just a cool chick or an amazing woman to you?” but there is no right answer to that question.

The Cocktail Party: The men take over Citi Field, because with the addition of Nick, they don’t fit anywhere else in New York City and/or the Yankees don’t have time for this nonsense. The men are not thrilled to have Nick in their midst, but J.J., who is not here to make friends anyway, doesn’t care and takes advantage of the awkwardness to get some alone time with Kaitlyn. He picks her up and runs the bases, but does not score a home run. (That comes later in the season, hopefully with someone else.)

The Rose Ceremony (Finally!): Kaitlyn walks the men out to shiver on the field and lines them up like it’s an execution (of hearts). To recap, Jared, Justin and the dentist already have roses. So Ben H. gets the first rose, followed by the other Ben, Shawn, Tanner, Joe, Ian, J.J., Joshua, and then Chris Harrison finally shows up to announce that it’s time for the final rose. Obviously it goes to Nick, because why else is he here? Ryan, Jonathan and some other guy who does not look even mildly familiar (maybe he’s a Met hanging out in the off-season?) are sent home, and the men grumble that Nick took a rose that belonged to someone more deserving. In case you didn’t think Kaitlyn was a good actress, she probably earned herself an Emmy nod for being able to say that she’s “always wanted to go” to San Antonio with a straight face.

First Date: Kaitlyn wants to get to know Nick, but not as much as she wants to get to know Ben H. For their trip to San Antonio, they have a true Texas date complete with flannel and denim, cowboy boots, red Ford trucks, country dancing and lots of dance-as-marriage metaphors. They compete in a dance competition and lose, so Kaitlyn vandalizes the oldest dance hall in Texas with a “K + B” in a heart. Then they make out outside to give the old folks something to talk about. Over dinner, Kaitlyn doesn’t want to talk about his past relationships, but totally does. So he tells her about his broken engagement over their uneaten entrées. He passes her “openness” test, which is only nominally different from a Scientology personality test, and earns a Date Rose (from Kaitlyn, not Xenu).

Group Date: While everyone expects Nick to get the remaining one-on-one date, Kaitlyn surprises them by dunking him in the deep end of a group date to see if he will sink or swim like a witch. This week’s challenge is to write and sing a mariachi song — and to steal Kaitlyn’s heart back from the most adorably, brash little mariachi muchacho ever, Sebastian De La Cruz and his band El Charro De Oro. The men dress in traditional outfits and embarrass themselves by serenading Kaitlyn with their own mariachi songs. As the newbie, Nick knows he has to go big or go home, so he makes an extra spectacular spectacle of himself. As Jared says, “Nick has the worst voice I’ve ever heard, but he owns it.”

The After Party: Josh decided to use a haircut as a metaphor for marriage and it did not work out well. He trusts Kaitlyn, but apparently she was not worthy of that trust and Josh ended up with a half-bald head and all the men laughing at him. Nick uses his time with Kaitlyn to make out with her, which does not make Josh any happier. So Josh and his half head of hair go to tattle to Kaitlyn that he doesn’t think Nick is here for the right reasons. Josh says everyone hates Nick being there and is lying to her about it. She decided to confront the men about their “dishonesty,” but they all deny it and Josh looks like a troublemaker and Nick gets the Date Rose.

Second Date: Kaitlyn invited Shawn to go kayaking in San Antonio, and they spend the bulk of their time together talking about Nick and Josh, which are the most romantic conversation topics. Then they make out on a bridge. Later they snuggle by a campfire and Shawn opens up about being hit by a car and then tells her that he is falling in love with her. Kaitlyn tells the camera that it felt “like her husband” telling her that. She hands him the Date Rose and informs the camera that she feels like she is falling in love with Shawn.

The Alamo: Ian decides he has had enough, and if Kaitlyn doesn’t want to date a Princeton man who has been around the world a few times, he’s going to go home. Does she know he went to Princeton? Maybe he should mention it a few more times to make sure she is aware of that fact.

The Cocktail Party: Kaitlyn makes all the men toast to honesty before spending some alone time with each of them. Jared tells her he’s falling in love with her, and she makes out with him while thinking of Shawn. Meanwhile, Ian is on a tear because “against all his logic,” Kaitlyn doesn’t seem to like him and “he’s a gift you unwrap for life.” He sits her down on a couch and tells her that he thought she was going to be brokenhearted and despondent over getting dumped by Chris, and he is disappointed to see that she’s recovered from that heartbreak and now just wants to make out with a bunch of hot guys. He’s not into her and is going to make sure she knows it. Strangely he didn’t mention Princeton even once. Maybe that will happen … next week on The Bachelorette.

TIME Television

Did The Bachelorette Star Accidentally Reveal the Winner on Snapchat?

Kaitlyn Bristowe posted a story to Snapchat that many think spoiled the finale

The Bachelorette‘s finale doesn’t air until July, but fans of the show believe Kaitlyn Bristowe may have already revealed the season 11 winner on Snapchat.

On Friday Bristowe posted and then quickly deleted a Snapchat story showing what appears to be her in bed with contestant Shawn Booth, which many viewers took as a sign that he won the competition and that the two are in a relationship.

Though the series has already finished filming, Bristowe and the winner are contractually obligated to hide their relationship status and avoid being seen with each other during the program’s airing.

ABC had no comment, Variety reports.

TIME Television

The Bachelorette Recap: Doug E. Fresh, New York City and the Return of Nick V.

Welcome back to Kaitlyn’s journey to find love and a Neil Lane diamond ring on The Bachelorette. Last week, Kaitlyn rid her flock of the weak and the crazy-eyed, and Tony the Healer went home to his bonsai tree in a protest against all the violence on the show, before he even got a chance to read her chakras or heal her. It was a very full week, but in the inimitable words of TV pitchman the late Billy Mays — but wait, there’s more! Clint and J.J.’s bromance came to a hilt, but Kaitlyn finally realized that Clint was not there for the right reasons, which is high treason in the Bachelorverse. Not being one to shy away from trouble, Kaitlyn went to have a little conversation with him, which is where the show frustratingly ended.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

The Drama: Before his talk with Kaitlyn, Clint claims he is “ready to make some power moves tonight.” Needless to say he’s confident he’s getting a rose. When Kaitlyn calls him out, he blames jealousy. When that doesn’t work he throws out some Bachelorette-approved feelings phrases: he’s been “100% honest,” and “that scares him,” and it’s been “really difficult overcoming himself.” All credit to Kaitlyn, she saw right through his smooth talking and poor man’s Liam Hemsworth’s look. She basically pats him on the head and tells him to go say good-bye to his little friends.

The Actual Shocking Twist: Back inside, Kaitlyn breaks the news, and in an actually shocking twist, J.J. tells Clint that he should apologize to everyone for wasting Kaitlyn’s time. The men collectively drop their jaws at J.J.’s gall, and Clint looks genuinely hurt by the public friend dumping (frumping?). Naturally he rounds on J.J., and in an expletive-laden farewell, Clint loudly ends their bromance. Later, after Clint leaves, J.J. cries to himself. He’s not here to make friends anymore.

The Rose Ceremony, Part II: Kaitlyn decides that there is not going to be a Rose Ceremony. While the men curl their lips over the fact that J.J. is still in the house, Chris Harrison tells them to turn their frowns upside down, because their journey to find love is taking them to New York City.

First Group Date: After some gelled and waxed man delivers the obligatory line that “New York is a good place to fall in love,” a date card arrives inviting J.J., Shawn, that one guy, Jonathan, Tanner, that other guy, someone named Ben (maybe?), Ryan B., that some other guy who may be new here to an outing. The challenge? The rap battle that Gawker attended back in April, making us all seethe with jealousy like a Bachelor contestant left out of the hot tub make-out session. Hip-hop legend Doug E. Fresh earned himself a paycheck by agreeing to train the men in the fine art of the rap battle, to be performed in front of a live audience, natch. The men write down some (lame) rhymes and go for it. Kaitlyn speaks the truth when she says “this is the worst rap battle ever” and that includes the one where Eminem performed with barfed up spaghetti on his sweater.

The Arrival: Kaitlyn spies Ashley I. from her time in the trenches with Chris Soules and goes to say hello. Standing next to her is Nick Viall (a.k.a. the man who slut-shamed Bachelorette Andi on national television after she took full advantage of the Fantasy Suite), and Kaitlyn is actually excited to see him. Apparently they struck up a friendship on social media and a few friendly tweets is enough for Nick to get the crazy look back in his eyes and come flying across the country and beg the producers to let him on to the show. (Why didn’t he just write one of his famous letters?) Kaitlyn wants to think about his offer. Wouldn’t it be better if she invited Doug E. Fresh onto the show instead?

The After Party: You know what puts a damper on a group date? Telling all the men that you don’t like any of them quite enough and want to bring in a 13th man to see if he is a better fit for you. Turns out that is a great way to annoy many, many men at the same time. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself the only woman at a panel discussion or conference. The men are well aware of Nick’s sordid, slut-shamey past, and they are not impressed. Meanwhile, Kaitlyn has ditched the party and is making out with Nick. When she gets back, Kaitlyn gives Justin the Date Rose, but he is too depressed to be impressed.

The Decision: Kaitlyn realizes that it’s probably not fair to bring Nick into the pool of possible husband material at this late date, but she also really wants to make out with him and doesn’t want to deny her feelings. Before her date with Jared, she goes to get her hair done by crazy-eyed Ashley S., who Kaitlyn swears is smart and not nearly as crazy as the edit she was given would imply. (She says that, but never forget the Onion or the zombies.) After talking to Ashley S., Kaitlyn decides to follow her heart and to let Nick on the show. She and Nick make out on the street corner to celebrate before she leaves for her date with Jared. Later, she tells the men her decision, and weirdly none of them are happy about it.

The One-on-One Date: Kaitlyn goes to meet Jared for a black-tie date at the Met, but her mind isn’t in the date at all. Instead, she is thinking about Nick, and all the drama she is unleashing on the house by throwing yet another man into her embarrassment of manly, spray-tanned riches. Jared manages to play it cool and earns Kaitlyn’s attention, and eventually the Date Rose while drinking wine next to the Temple of Dendur, which has probably seen at least one moment as awkward as this in its 2,000 years on the planet. Maybe. The happy couple then take off in a limo to a helicopter to enter the Statue of Liberty’s airspace.

Bachelorette Milestone: Jared said the L word.

Second Group Date: In a move sure to crush the souls of every aspiring thespian Ian, Ben H., The Dentist, Joshua, and some guy with 1990s Morrissey hair are invited to audition for the cast of Aladdin on Broadway. But as any Smash fan knows, Broadway is a cruel place, and soon enough all the men are cut from the show except for the dentist, who gets to stay and perform with Kaitlyn during an actual (hopefully heavily discounted) performance of the musical. They make out in the wings. She hands him the Date Rose and then they kiss some more.

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: If you like awkwardness, you’ll love watching the men pretend to tolerate the presence of Nick V. Also, some day there might be a Rose Ceremony and one of these men (or J.J.) will get sent back to their bonsai trees.

Update: In case you were wondering about how the not-Bachelorette is doing, Britt and Brady are still dating. They spend their days going for long walks on the beach and she calls him the “b word” (that’s boyfriend, people), and probably sending Edible Arrangements to the producers of the show in gratitude for bringing them together.

TIME Television

The Bachelorette Recap: Sumo Wrestling and Sex Ed on the Road to Love

Someone let the men teach sex ed to innocent children

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, where Kaitlyn Bristowe is slogging her way to love. She has toppled Britt to become the star of the show, gotten groped by a drunk guy and finally embarked on her journey to find love and, if the promos are to be believed, some something something. This week Kaitlyn has two group dates and her second one-on-one date, but first she has to finish getting rid of Kupah, whom she kicked off last week, but didn’t quite finish the job. Then there’s still a Rose Ceremony to get through …

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette this week:

The Farewell: Kaitlyn leaves the mansion to go tell Kupah to go ahead and go gentle into that good night. He abashedly swears,”I won’t yell anymore, I promise,” which is a great start to any relationship. She rolls her eyes as he rolls into the van. She takes the time to daintily wipe the tears from her eyes and notes that you can tell a lot about a person in 30 seconds. Especially if those 30 seconds involve drunkenly hollering in the driveway.

The Bachelorette Milestone: Kaitlyn realizes that this is harder than she thought it would be. That’s when Chris “Perfect Timing” Harrison earns his salary by reminding her that it’s time for a Rose Ceremony.

Rose Ceremony, Continued: Back in the mansion, the men line up, and Kaitlyn starts handing out roses. First up is Jared, who appears to have recovered from his Bachelorette-induced concussion (so it must be only slightly worse than a Bachelorette-induced migraine). She then hands roses to Ben H., Shawn, Jonathan (who is dressed in his finest Miami Vice cosplay), a person named Tanner, who is apparently on the show, Chris Cupcake and then a bunch of guys named Ryan and Justin.

The Final Rose: Tony the Healer is freaking out because he left his bonsai tree and dog to be on the show, and Kaitlyn didn’t hand him a rose yet. He explains that he “sees the world through the eyes of a child” and is very concerned that Kaitlyn is not recognizing his inner warrior. Luckily, the producers refuse to let go of their most bon mots–addled contestant, so he gets the rose, meaning a handful of far more sane, but far more boring men are heading back to their day jobs as entrepreneurs and amateur fitness trainers.

The First Group Date: If you ever need an effective wakeup call, try two sumo wrestlers armed with a gong. They deliver the news that JJ, Joe, Justin, Joshua, Chris Cupcake, Clint, and, of course, Tony will be sumo wrestling to impress Kaitlyn. Chris Harrison tells the menfolk that “out of respect” for the most ancient sport, the men must wear traditional sumo garb for their bouts. The men then spend the rest of the date mocking the sumo belts, with lots of pointing, laughing, pointed blurring and referring to the belts as “man diapers.” Good show of respect! The sumo wrestlers school the men in the sport and mercilessly (hilariously) chuck them out of the ring one by one. Then there’s Tony. He is a “peaceful and balanced guy,” but when he is unable to mount the mountain of man meat, he goes off to sulk and pretend he’s not into violence and wants to be a man of peace. So he picks a fight with Kaitlyn and curses at JJ and pouts in a corner. Kaitlyn keeps pointing out that this is just supposed to be fun, but Tony’s self-proclaimed “gypsy soul” can’t handle it. The rest of the men head down to some public location to scandalize children and wrestle. Even Kaitlyn suited up for a staged match. The men threw each other around in the ring until Clint was named champion.

The Not-Quite Drama: While Kaitlyn is off having fun with the team players, Tony, the lone wolf, has decided that he “can’t participate in this circus anymore.” She hugs him and sends him on the way without even pretending to talk him out of it.

The After Party: Clint has a sneaky plan where he decides not to pursue Kaitlyn and instead wants to sit on the bench with his bros and see if she comes to talk to him. She doesn’t. Instead she gives Sean the Date Rose and calls Clint out for being a doof.

The Ugh: The producers really want us to believe that the “bromance” between JJ and Clint is much more than just friendship. To “prove” their point, the producers spliced together a bunch of film leading people to believe that the men are falling in love with each other. Insert eye roll. JJ already confirmed that this was a creative edit, so this appears to be just a ridiculous stunt, signifying nothing other than a vague homophobia.

The One-on-One Date: Chris Harrison has planned a surprise date for Kaitlyn and Ben Z. (a.k.a. not Ben H.). Relationships take trust and communication, so he is locking them in the basement of Spirit Costume Shop together. And they say romance is dead. Kaitlyn and Ben then have to face a basement of horrors that would make Eli Roth cry — including birds, computer CAPTCHA codes, Britt’s disembodied face and fake barf-filled toilets. Also, snakes, scorpion and maggots, but really it was the CAPTCHA that nearly did them in. Luckily, while Kaitlyn squealed, Ben was manlier than that guy named Manley on Little House on the Prairie and they escaped the basement and went to make out at Kaitlyn’s house.

The Bachelorette Milestone: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a hot tub. They make out. She hands him the Date Rose.

The Second Group Date: Some sociopath with a sick sense of humor sends a group of Bachelor men into a school to teach innocent young children about sex ed. I hope the parents of these children read their permission slips very, very closely. The men fumble and bumble through their presentations veering from PG-13 to R rating, getting bleeped and black-barred along the way. Ben H. kept it sweet and simple using Kaitlyn as a visual aid to help explain reproduction in a PG way that was a vast improvement over Joshua, who gleaned his material from hanging out with cows. When things get more NC-17, Kaitlyn reveals that these are not ordinary schoolchildren but child actors who have already lost all their innocence trying to make it in the rough streets of Hollywood. Ben H. earns a Date Rose for his efforts.

The Cocktail Party: Clint knows that he’s not there for the right reasons, but wants to hang out in the mansion with JJ, who spends a lot of time spewing vitriol into the camera. He and JJ chortle evilly in the corner, and the men have enough. They crack and tell Kaitlyn that the men are not there for the right reasons. Dun Dun.

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Somebody is going home. Hopefully.

Your browser is out of date. Please update your browser at http://update.microsoft.com