TIME Televison

Watch Jeff Goldblum Show Off His Foolproof Parenting Skills

Here’s a video of his son attached directly to his nose

Jeff Goldblum, a new parent, stopped by Conan on Monday night to demonstrate what parenting as performed by Jeff Goldblum looks like. Disappointingly, his philosophy does not involve bringing your young child to an island full of murderous dinosaurs. It does, however, involve plenty of helpful tips for new parents, particularly those who possess Jeff Goldblum’s nose.

Step one: Name your child after something you like, even if that thing is not technically a name. Do you like something? Great. That is your baby’s name.

“[His name is] Charlie, middle name Ocean,” Goldblum told O’Brien, to what he described as an “audible gasp” from the audience. “It’s a little out there,” admitted O’Brien. “It is, it is. But too out there?” asked Goldblum. “I love the ocean.”

Step two: Keep your child alive and happy using this specific set of verbs. Rearing a newborn is simple. Just change him once or twice and then feel free to sort of wing it from there.

When asked if he was “good” with the baby, Goldblum thoughtfully replied, “I think so…you know, I’ve changed him a couple of times.” He added, quite helpfully, “I nuzzle him, I smell him, I kiss him, I talk to him, I make jokes with him, I sing to him.”

Step three: Attach your child to your face. Food is unnecessary. All a newborn baby needs is a nose—preferably Jeff Goldblum’s nose—to suck ravenously on. However, you must not break Jeff Goldblum character while your baby suckles your nose; keep singing an unintelligible song and making classic Jeff Goldblum faces throughout. See above for (incredibly adorable) specifics.

TIME Televison

The 9 Rules of Every Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner Cartoon

Now you know why every episode seemed the same

The Looney Tunes universe had boundaries as severe as an Acme anvil to the head.

A list of rules for the creators of the Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner cartoons has been circulating online and the instructions explain why every episode was almost exactly the same.

Rules for the show include a restriction on dialogue (save for “Beep-beep!”), setting (“All action must be confined to the natural environment of the two characters — the Southwest American desert”) and outcomes (“The coyote is always more humiliated than harmed by his failures”). There’s even an instruction on who the real enemy of Wile E. is: “gravity.”

The list comes from the autobiography of former Looney Tunes animation director Chuck Jones, Chuck Amuck: The Life and Times of an Animated Cartoonist (1999). Director Amos Posner posted the list to Twitter on Mar. 4, saying, “Still obsessed with Chuck Jones’ coyote/roadrunner rules. Awesome to so clearly, concisely define your characters.”

TIME Televison

Watch Kelly Ripa Describe How She Freaked Out Madonna at an Oscars Party

Madge wasn't happy after Kelly smelled her

Television host and Madonna super fan Kelly Ripa appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live on Thursday night and revealed how she once creeped out her idol.

Ripa said that she’d been invited to an Oscars party hosted by Madonna a few years ago and, upon meeting the legendary singer, hugged her and smelled her. According to Ripa, Madonna was not impressed with the “weirdo” behavior.

Despite the frosty reaction, Ripa still seems to think fondly of the encounter. Beaming, she excitedly told Kimmel, “She smells like gardenias!”

TIME celebrities

Bill Cosby ‘Applauds’ Eddie Murphy For Not Playing Him on SNL Sketch

Actor accused of sexual assault "very appreciative" of Murphy's alleged refusal

Bill Cosby has publicly thanked Eddie Murphy for declining to play the comedian — who has been accused of sexual assault by more than 20 women — in Saturday Night Live’s 40th anniversary special this weekend.

Cosby’s spokesperson said he was “very appreciative of Eddie and I applaud his actions,” NBC reports.

Norm Macdonald tweeted that he had asked Murphy to play Cosby during a Celebrity Jeopardy sketch, but said Murphy refused:

Kenan Thompson played Cosby instead.

Read next: 5 Essential Moments from SNL‘s 40th Anniversary Special

Listen to the most important stories of the day.

TIME Televison

Watch Conan O’Brien and Anna Kendrick Imagine Life as a Musical

The star of Into The Woods and Pitch Perfect gave the late-night host a taste of what the singing life is all about

If you’ve noticed that actor Anna Kendrick has been doing a lot of singing lately, you’re not alone. Conan O’Brien asked the Into The Woods star about her multiple musical roles when she appeared on his late show Wednesday night.

Kendrick, who has a number of past and forthcoming film roles involving musical numbers, told the comedian she’s a big fan of singing. “I love it so much,” she said. “[It] is near and dear to my heart.”

In fact, the 29-year-old actor is so keen on singing that when O’Brien asked her how she’d feel about living life as a musical, she readily joined him in song.

TIME Televison

Jon Stewart Confirms NBC Wanted Him for Meet the Press

Host Jon Stewart at "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" covers the Midterm elections with "Democalypse 2014: South By South Mess" on Oct. 28, 2014 in Austin, Texas.
Rick Kern—Getty Images Host Jon Stewart at "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" covers the Midterm elections with "Democalypse 2014: South By South Mess" on Oct. 28, 2014 in Austin, Texas.

"I'm sure part of them was thinking, 'Why don't we just make it a variety show?'"

Could Jon Stewart do news without comedy? Reports surfaced earlier this month that NBC had approached Jon Stewart about a hosting gig at its Sunday morning political show Meet the Press following David Gregory’s exit. The comedian confirmed to Rolling Stone on Thursday that those reports were indeed true. But he didn’t take the offer all that seriously.

“My guess is they were casting as wide and as weird a net as they could,” he says. “I’m sure part of them was thinking, ‘Why don’t we just make it a variety show?'”

But Stewart wasn’t interested in the gig. “I felt like that was one of those situations where someone says, ‘We really like what you do. Why don’t you come over here and do something different, maybe something you don’t do as well, for us?'” the Daily Show host said. “I can understand notionally where it comes from. News and entertainment have melded in a way. But they would be overcompensating on the entertainment side. That’s certainly not an outlandish decision, although I don’t necessarily think that’s the best direction for it.”

Good thing too—what would Daily Show and Colbert Report fans do if both Stewart and Stephen Colbert had left Comedy Central?

[Rolling Stone]

TIME Televison

The Leftovers Spins the Wheel of Fortune

Paul Schiraldi/HBO

A confounding but compelling episode feels like an "Are you in or out?" moment for the show. I'm in.

“Two Boats and a Helicopter” is the episode of The Leftovers that convinced me I was sticking with the show for the season.

This is not the same as saying that I left it convinced that The Leftovers is a great show, or that it will become one. It’s still tremendously confusing. It’s mysterious, and not necessarily to a purpose–we’ll have to see. And this episode was structurally very different from the first two, suggesting that The Leftovers is still figuring out what it’s going to be. What it’s going to be may, I realize, turn out to be a fancy pile of nothing.

But this tense, wrenching episode felt like an “Are you in or out?” juncture for The Leftovers, and I’m in. In part, it was a function of story; in radically shifting its approach and concentrating on one character, Christopher Eccleston’s Rev. Matt Jamison, the show had a drive that felt missing from the beautiful but diffuse first two episodes. The mood and sense of aching were still there, and how, but “Two Boats” also gave us one character with a specific problem, and even in a show like this, that makes a difference.

I know we’re all tired of the Lost comparisons at this point, but I can’t help it with “Two Boats,” which echoed the structure of producer Damon Lindelof’s earlier series–specifically Lost‘s flashbacks, with their reversals, cruel dramatic ironies, and hints of larger forces at work. It’s also remarkably directed for tension–see, for instance, the final roulette spin in the casino, where we hear the ball land but don’t see it, instead seeing Matt’s face tense up, then finally break into the release of a smile. But The Leftovers is distinctively its own thing: its characters are torn not between faith and science but between purpose and despair.

Rev. Matt is a man of God who has suffered loss almost Biblically: he was spared death as a child, we learn, only to lose his parents in a fire, to all-but-lose his wife (Janel Moloney) to a car accident caused by the Departure, and to lose most of his flock to the aftermath of Oct. 14 and its crisis of belief. Eccleston’s stressed-out performance here is commanding top to bottom. Every blow in Matt’s life has hammered a spring within him tighter; if you put a mood ring on him, it would probably explode.

The way Matt has reacted is not exactly likeable; his campaign to prove that bad people were among the departed may be his idea of defending his religion (this wasn’t the Rapture, so God’s plan continues unchanged), but it’s also pretty spiteful and face-punchable. But at least he hasn’t given up, and a lovely little sequence in mid-episode shows all the little things that not giving up means: changing light bulbs and hymnal numbers alone, sweeping, scrubbing rugs. It’s a complicated thing he’s doing, both self-interested and genuinely–if misguidedly–idealistic. It’s hard to tell where his work to keep God’s place in people’s hearts ends and his struggle to maintain his own place in the community begins.

“Two Boats” is an episode full of what seem to be signs and portents–the red lights, the pigeons–but unlike in a Lost flashback, it doesn’t necessary to some larger grand design. Like Hurley, Rev. Matt wins big and loses disastrously, but it’s not clear there is really any mystic power like The Numbers at work here. Instead, his story may simply be like the Departure itself–a dramatic, inexplicable stroke, but a random one with no discernable purpose. On the one hand, there has been an amazing, superhuman event; on the other hand, there is no particular sign that it happened because of anything we recognize as God. This may simply be life: unimaginably wonderful things happen, and unimaginably terrible things happen, and the only patterns to be found in it are the ones we impose on them after the fact. If Twin Peaks told us that the owls are not what they seem, this episode suggests that maybe a pigeon is just a pigeon.

There’s a lot to think about here, but what puzzles me most about “Two Boats and a Helicopter” is what’s meant by the title. It’s taken from an old story about a man who’s stranded by a flood and refuses help, from one vehicle after another, saying that he instead will wait for God to provide–until he drowns. When he gets to Heaven, God tells the man that He did provide–He sent two boats and a helicopter, didn’t He?

So what were the two boats and a helicopter here? Matt, after all, does not spend the episode placidly waiting around for divine intervention–no one, by boat or helicopter, offers to save his church, so he desperately tries to do it himself, and nearly does. How does the parable apply, then? Maybe–and maybe I’m being morbid here–losing the church was itself the two-boats-and-a-helicopter. Maybe the universe is offering Matt an out: a chance to let go his crusade, get his life together and care for his wife, pocket his winnings and let the Guilty Remnant take the punches.

Maybe, but–call it foolishness or heroism, vanity or selflessness–he’d rather do anything than let go of his one way of making meaning from what’s happened. The Leftovers has shown us several ways people deal with a world-changing event: violence, hedonism, insanity. Matt’s way is to accept his losing cause and stick with it, no matter what color the wheel lands on. “I had to try,” as he tells the young man who came to church for a baptism but admits that he won’t be coming back. “If I don’t, who will?”

TIME Televison

CBS Has Passed On How I Met Your Dad

Producers are starting to look at other networks after CBS turned down the How I Met Your Mother spinoff project

CBS has turned down the spinoff project How I Met Your Dad, and the show is reportedly starting to look around for other networks.

Early reports indicated that the show would be a shoo-in at CBS, which aired the nine seasons of the original comedy How I Met Your Mother. But after seeing the pilot from Carter Bays, Craig Thomas and Emily Spivey, the network decided to pass, E! News reports.

CBS’ Nina Tassler said “there were elements of the pilot that didn’t work out,” but the higher-ups at the network “love this show and we love these producers.”

Citing anonymous sources, E! News reported that the 20th Century Fox, the producer of How I Met Your Dad, has already had preliminary discussions about moving the show elsewhere.

[E! News]

MORE: TIME’s Favorite Terms Invented by ‘How I Met Your Mother’

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