MONEY

Why Millennials Are in for a Worse Midlife Crisis than their Parents

senior man in motorcycle gear
Henrik Sorensen—Getty Images

Marriage, it turns out, lessens the dip in happiness that happens in one's late 40s. But most Gen Y-ers have steered clear of the altar.

I’m a happily married 28-year-old with a beautiful wife and son. My life is good.

But if research is correct, I will grow increasingly more dissatisfied with my life over the next 20 years. Which is terrifying.

The midlife crisis is very real.

Studies show that people are pretty happy when they’re young and when they’re older—thank youthful exuberance and not having to work, respectively. But between 46 and 55, folks endure peak ennui.

That happiness ebbs as one ages is not particularly surprising. Careers plateau, dreams are deferred and bills increase in quantity and frequency.

This U-shaped happiness curve has been the focus of a lot of research recently and many nations (from Britain to Bhutan) have shown interest in augmenting citizens well-being with the intent that gross happiness is just as important to the economy as the gross domestic product.

One recent study on the topic—published in the National Bureau of Economic Research—has me feeling just a little bit less sad about my upcoming depression. It found that married folks like myself will experience a less dramatic midlife crisis than their non-married peers.

Authors Shawn Grover and John Helliwell used data from two U.K. surveys and found that while life-satisfaction levels declined for those who married and those who didn’t, the middle-age drop was much less severe for the betrothed, even when controlling for premarital happiness.

Having a dedicated partner, it seems, eases the burden of watching your youth pass slowly through your fingers. Tying the knot can soften the blow, in the other words.

Moreover, people who consider their partner a friend enjoy the most happiness.

“We explore friendship as a mechanism which could help explain a casual relationship between marriage and life satisfaction, and find that well-being effects of marriage are about twice as large for those whose spouse is also their best friend,” the authors wrote.

These findings could leave many of my peers in an emotional nadir: According to data from the Pew Research Center, millennials just aren’t terribly interested in the institution of marriage. Only 26% of people aged 18 to 32 were married in 2013—10 points lower than Gen X when they were of a similar age in 1997, and 22 points below boomers’ marriage patterns in 1960.

My generation still has a few years before they hit the bottom of the U curve. And perhaps an improving economy will make the prospect of marriage more attractive to those in my cohort. Here’s hoping.

I didn’t plan to marry when I did—like most of my generation the thought really didn’t occur to me. But my longtime girlfriend and I walked down the aisle after we found out she was pregnant. And from my current pre-midlife-crisis vantage point, I can see why marrying someone I love and with whom I share a common worldview will make the process of aging slightly less pale and ugly.

Life’s hard, but it turns out that it’s nice to have someone you love to complain about it with.

More From the First-Time Dad:

TIME Family

This Is How You Can Put a Baby to Sleep in Less Than 60 Seconds

All you need is some tissue paper

If you’ve tried everything and nothing has worked, don’t give up just yet. Simply reach for the Kleenex.

In under a minute, YouTuber and Australian father Nathan Dailo sends his baby to sleep by gently tickling the infant’s face with tissue paper.

“The tissue trick isn’t actually anything special. Any light touching on the baby’s facial areas such as the head, forehead or the bridge of the nose also works,” Dailo tells TIME.

The video has garnered more than 4 million views and inspired innumerable other parents to deploy the technique. However, Dailo cautions that his technique isn’t the only one.

“Remember that each child is different, and what works for some parents may not work for others. And always use you’re instincts. You are the parent,” Dailo stresses.

TIME Parenting

A 65-Year-Old German Mom Is Expecting Quadruplets

65 year old pregant with quadruplets
Patrick Lux—EPA Annegret Raunigk, then 55-years-old, poses with her daughter Leila in Berlin on Nov. 3, 2005.

Annegret Raunigk's oldest child is already 44

A 65-year-old German schoolteacher is a busy mother to 13 children—and she’s reportedly about to welcome four more to her burgeoning brood.

Annegret Raunigk, who’s oldest child is 44, told German newspaper Bild on April 4 that she is in her 21st week of pregnancy with quadruplets.

The Berlin native claims the pregnancy is the result of artificial insemination using both donated sperm and eggs. The pregnancy will be documented for German TV show RTL.

Raunigk told Bild that her doctor reportedly suggested selective reduction when they discovered she was having quadruplets, but she wasn’t interested.

Raunigk is no stranger to media attention. She first garnered headlines at age 55 when she give birth to her 13th child, daughter Leila. (Pictured above.) It was Leila, she claims, that inspired her to try for another child.

The teacher’s 13 children are reportedly from five different fathers. She is a grandmother to seven.

Bild reports that Raunigk is due in the summer, and that she isn’t concerned about the possible health risks for a woman her age. “I simply assume that I will remain fit and healthy,” she told the newspaper. Her doctor, who also spoke to the paper, said he is optimistic.

This article originally appeared on People.com.

Read next: Watch This Mom of 6 Boys Freak Out During Gender Reveal of Baby Number 7

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TIME Family

Why Have Kids?

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Getty Images

Zocalo Public Square is a not-for-profit Ideas Exchange that blends live events and humanities journalism.

In the midst of rapidly changing family structures, why does childlessness still carry a stigma for women?

It used to be that the Cleavers — dad working an office job, mom raising two boys full-time — were the model American family. But the past several decades have seen dramatic changes — recent studies find that only about half of American adults are married today, compared to around 70 percent in 1960. The share of interracial marriages has doubled since 1980. Thirty-seven states and the District of Columbia now recognize same-sex marriage. More men than ever are becoming single fathers. More mothers are becoming family breadwinners. More children are being born outside of marriage.

A Pew Research Center study from 2010 found that 20 percent of American women now end their childbearing years without having borne a child, compared to 10 percent in the 1970s. During that time, the public has become more accepting of these women, but 38 percent of Americans surveyed for that study felt this trend was bad for society. When it comes to some other changes to the American family — such as marrying someone of a different race or women working outside the home — the public has said in greater numbers that those trends were good for or at least didn’t harm society.

In advance of the Zócalo event, “Why Have Kids?”, we asked a panel of experts: If Americans have come to accept a range of non-traditional family structures, why does a woman’s choice not to have children still elicit skepticism and judgment?

 

Bella DePaulo — We want other people to share the worldviews we care about most

“As long as women bounce around kidding themselves that life is full when alone, they are putting their hedonistic, selfish desires ahead of what’s best for children and society.” That was one reader’s response to a 2002 cover story in Time about women who were choosing to stay single and not have kids. At the time, I was just starting to research my first book on single people and I was perplexed. The reader had no relationship to the women in the story — they were strangers. If these women didn’t have qualms about their life choices, why should this guy get so angry about them?

I hadn’t yet recognized the power of people’s views of the world. Worldviews help us make sense of the world. They can boost our self-esteem, enhance our good feelings, and keep our bad ones at bay. We want other people to share the worldviews we care about the most. When it comes to marriage and family, one of the strongest worldviews is that women are supposed to get married and have kids. And if they do, they will be happier and healthier than everyone else — and morally superior, too.

The “problem,” then, with women who do not follow the culturally valued life course of marrying and having children, is that they are threatening beliefs that people hold dear.

What’s more, it is even worse if they choose not to marry or have kids. For example, research has shown that single people who want to be single are judged more harshly than those who want to find a partner. They are seen as lonelier, colder, less sociable, and more miserable. Even more tellingly, other people express more anger toward them. That irate reader of the Time story was not only irked because he thought the women were stupid, but also because they were happy. How dare they claim that life without marriage or kids is a good and happy life — a life that someone would actually choose!

Bella DePaulo, who has a doctorate in psychology from Harvard University, is the author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After and the forthcoming How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century. Visit her website at www.BellaDePaulo.com.

 

Elaine Tyler May — Women have opted out of motherhood throughout history

Womanhood equals motherhood has long been accepted as the norm for women’s lives. But in fact, throughout history, women have often opted out of motherhood. In the 19th century, for example, the average number of births per woman declined by half—from eight in 1800 to four in 1900. Many women chose not to marry, and even some of those who married chose not to have children. The rate of childlessness was at an all-time high at the dawn of the 20th century, and then dropped to an all-time low after World War II in the midst of the Baby Boom.

Today, more and more women are choosing not to have children for a wide variety of reasons. Women without children are not scorned or pitied to the extent they once were, but a stigma still attaches to women who choose not to procreate. It is way past time for that stigma to lift. American women today lead rich and varied lives, with or without partners, with or without children. It is time to celebrate all the choices women have, and protect their ability to make the choice to have children—or not. Besides, there are many ways to have children in one’s life without giving birth to them or raising them. Just ask any devoted aunt, teacher, doctor, childcare worker, or anyone with children in their lives. As one teacher said proudly, “I’m not childless! I have 400 children!”

Elaine Tyler May is Regents professor of American studies and history at the University of Minnesota. She is the author of several books on women and the American family, including Barren in the Promised Land: Childless Americans and the Pursuit of Happiness.

 

Laura S. Scott — People are ignoring studies that point to happy, regret-free seniors who didn’t have children

Behind all the media attention around baby bumps, intentional single moms, egg freezing parties, and celebrity surrogacy is a belief that the only path to a purposeful and fulfilling life is parenthood, particularly motherhood. If you value the experience of motherhood over all other experiences, you will tend to judge someone who values a different experience.

There is also the persistent belief that, if you don’t have kids, you will regret it and die alone or in a home with 30 starving cats. Everyone chooses to ignore the multitude of studies that point to happy, socially connected, regret-free childfree seniors who are living their dreams and contributing in many creative ways. The lingering stigma is puzzling unless you factor in the judgment, unspoken regrets, and dare I say, envy, from parents who say, “I didn’t think I had the choice!”

We now have the means and opportunity to remain childfree, but we have to have the intent and will to resist the prenatal messaging, peer and family pressure, and be true to ourselves. We also have to have reliable birth control and doctors who believe us when we say, “I don’t want kids, ever! And I will not change my mind and sue you if you perform this tubal!”

We also need to be able to wrap our brains around this question: “If everyone is invited to decide for themselves if they want to be a parent, how does our thinking and our world have to change to allow for that?”

Laura S. Scott is an executive and reproductive decision-making coach, author of Two is Enough: A Couples Guide to Living Childless by Choice, and director of the Childless by Choice Project.

 

Bill McKibben — There’s also prejudice towards people who chose to have just one kid

There’s another choice that yields almost as much skepticism: the decision just to have one child. Surveys show that the biggest reason for having a second kid is so the first won’t be an only child. There may be plenty of good reasons for having a big family, but it turns out that isn’t one of them: all the data show that only kids grow up to be indistinguishable from their peers with siblings. Not spoiled, not crazy. Just fine.

In fact, it’s a perfect example of how easily we’re led astray by prejudice. The “study” that convinced everyone that only children were odd was conducted in the late 1800s, and the definition of “odd” included “very pretty,” “very ugly,” and “very strong.” (It also found that immigrant children were odd; go figure.) The subjects in the study included not just actual only children, but only children in works of fiction.

Happily science has marched on, and so should the rest of us. It’s time that we learned to accept that people, and families, come in many different shapes and sizes; that they face different circumstances and want different things. It’s time, that is, to stop with the judging.

Bill McKibben is a Vermont-based writer whose books include Maybe One: An Argument for Smaller Families.

 

Melanie Notkin — Choose happiness

We have “Mom-opia” in America—the myopic view of motherhood as womanhood.,. And yet, the latest U.S. Census Report on Fertility shows that 46 percent of women of childbearing years are childless.

This all-women-as-mother view generates “black and white” assumptions for why women make their choices, ignoring nuances and shades of gray. I worked closely with DeVries Global PR on a 2014 national demographic study entitled: “Shades of Otherhood,” inspired by my book: Otherhood: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness, to better understand this cohort of modern women. Of the 19 million childless American women ages 20 to 44, over one-third (36 percent) are childless by choice. Some never felt motherhood was for them. Some don’t feel financially secure enough for parenthood. Some enjoy the freedom to live life to what they envision as its potential. And 18 percent of all childless women are on the fence, having not yet made a choice on motherhood either way.

And then nearly half (46 percent) are involuntarily childless, some by biology, and more often, among the cohort I explore more widely in Otherhood, by circumstance.

The women of the Otherhood are often single, often not by choice, and they choose to wait for love before motherhood.

Still, whatever the reason for childlessness, 80 percent of women in our study said they can live a happy life without children of their own. Moreover, even among those who are childfree by choice, 80 percent are “childfull” — they play an active role the lives of other people’s children.

Whatever the choices or circumstances of childlessness, the only way to live a meaningful and happy life is to live an authentic life—making the right choice for oneself, not by the measure of what society believes is the “right” choice. And the only one who can make that authentic choice is the women who chooses. She chooses happiness.

Melanie Notkin is the founder and author of Savvy Auntie and author of Otherhood: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness. Connect with her at Otherhood.co and @SavvyAuntie.

This article was written for Zocalo Public Square.

TIME Ideas hosts the world's leading voices, providing commentary and expertise on the most compelling events in news, society, and culture. We welcome outside contributions. To submit a piece, email ideas@time.com.

TIME Parenting

Unhappy Families Can Make Daughters Fat

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Michael Hevesy—Getty Images

A new study suggests that stress at home can have a major impact on our kids' waistlines

Childhood obesity has become such a big problem in the United States that the rate of obese adolescents—21%—exceeds the rate of overweight adolescents (14%). It’s been that way for the last decade.

Dr. Daphne Hernandez, assistant professor at the University of Houston, wants to figure out why despite our efforts, that rate hasn’t budged. “Many times when we’re designing interventions and prevention programs, they’re done in schools because that’s where we have ease of access to all these kiddos,” she says. “But the issue is that in those interventions, we don’t think about the family environment and what could be happening at home.”

In her new study published in the journal Preventive Medicine, she decided to look at three family stressors: family disruption and conflict, the kind a kid would experience after a parent got divorced, remarried, incarcerated or if the child experienced a violent crime or death of a loved one; financial stress, a measure of poverty determined in part by whether a mom was unemployed or had less than a high school education; and maternal poor health, whether the mom was a binge drinker, drug user or had elevated depression.

MORE: Mindfulness Exercises Improve Kids’ Math Scores

Hernandez analyzed data from 4,762 adolescents between 1975-1990 using the National Longitudinal Study of Youth. She measured each adolescent’s exposure to these family factors from birth until age 15, then looked at their weight at age 18. The results showed clear gender differences. In adolescent girls, experiencing family disruption and financial stress repeatedly was linked to overweight or obesity by age 18. That wasn’t true for adolescent boys. Just one stress point—poor maternal health—was linked to being overweight or obese by 18.

When all the findings were lumped together, Hernandez says, the gender differences disappeared. “Not all stress influences females and males the same,” she says. The reason why lies beyond the scope of this study, but Hernandez suspects it has something to do with physiolgocial and behavioral stress responses. Your body secretes cortisol when it’s stressed, she says—which, if chronic, suppresses your body’s ability to feel satiated. “Behaviorally, you then gravitate more towards the more palatable foods, the high calorie, high fat foods, so you’re not reaching for that apple or celery stick,” she says. This pattern seems to be more prevalent in females than in males, she adds.

“We really need to think about how we are teaching our adolescents how to deal with stress, and trying not to use food as a way to deal with stress,” Hernandez says. “Perhaps encouraging physical activity is the way we should be going.”

Want to stay up to date on all the latest family research? Sign up for Time’s free weekly newsletter for parents.

 

TIME Family

How Do You Talk to Kids About God?

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Getty Images

Zocalo Public Square is a not-for-profit Ideas Exchange that blends live events and humanities journalism.

For secular parents, explaining sex is a cinch, but tackling religion can be terrifying

Talking openly with children about sensitive subjects is hard. It always has been. In my parents’ generation, the three-letter taboo was S-E-X. My older sister was 13 when my dad gave a kid “The Talk” for the first time. It was the ’80s, and my dad dodged it like any educated man of his time. He tossed her a sex-education book and said, “Read this, but don’t do it.”

Discussing sex isn’t quite so scary today. Many modern fathers don’t flinch when their daughters ask about anatomy or start inquiring about how babies are made. But progressive thinking has a way of replacing certain taboos with others. And today, for a great many parents, there is a new three-letter word: G-O-D.

With two of Western religion’s most important holidays—Easter and Passover—in the air, I find myself thinking back to the first time I had the “God Talk” with my own daughter. Maxine was barely five years old when she piped up from the backseat on the way home from her Los Alamitos preschool one day.

“Mommy,” she said, “you know what? God made us!”

I felt like a cartoon character being hit in the back of the head with a frying pan. My heart raced. I’m quite sure I began to sputter. Visions of Darwin and the evolving ape-man raced through my mind, followed closely by my childhood image of the big guy upstairs in his flowing white robes. I couldn’t speak.

And, in the awkward silence that followed, I was forced to confront the truth: The idea of talking to my kid about God—and, more specifically, about religion—scared the bejesus out of me.

I swallowed hard and forced myself to speak. “Well,” I said, “Who is God?”

Now, I don’t remember if Maxine actually said “duh,” or whether she simply bounced a “duh” look off the rearview mirror. But I can tell you that the “duh” message came across loud and clear.

“He’s the one who made us,” she said, her eyebrows knitted. “Okay… well, what is God doing now?” I tried for casual.

Again with the nonverbal “duh.”

“God is busy making people and babies,” she answered.

This information could not have been delivered with more certainty. My little girl, who had never heard an utterance of the word “God” in our house, aside from decidedly ungodly uses of the word, now had it all figured out thanks to a Jewish classmate who also happened to be her very first boyfriend. I was beaten to the punch by a cute preschool boy.

I let the subject drop, but my chest constricted all the way home. It stayed that way for hours. Why hadn’t I been prepared for this? What was I supposed to say now that she was getting her information from this boy at school?

As a science-minded non-believer with a generally non-confrontational personality, I was stumped by how to handle the situation. I wanted to be truthful about what I believed to be truth, but I didn’t want to indoctrinate her into my worldview either. And I certainly didn’t want others indoctrinating her into theirs, either. So where did that leave me? Was I to sit Maxine down and tell her that evolution, not God, was responsible for her existence? Was I to impose my own beliefs on her, the way other parents seemed to be doing? Or should I leave her alone to explore on her own timetable? What was the difference between guidance and pressure anyway? What was I willing to “let” her believe, and what wasn’t I?

Luckily for me, I have a husband who is cool under pressure. Later that day, after I’d rather breathlessly presented him with all the facts of the disastrous car ride, I asked him, “What if she believes in God?” His answer, my wakeup call, has become a mantra I repeat often. He said, “It’s not what Maxine believes, but what she does in life that matters.”

What I took from this was: Relax . . . it’s just God.

So I set aside my own irrational concerns and began to talk with my kid about God—lots of gods, actually. We talked about Brahman and Buddha, Jesus and Muhammad. My husband bought her a Children’s Bible, and I brought home lots of picture books highlighting aspects of various religious cultures.

To my delight, Maxine became genuinely interested in religion—as long as it came in bite-size pieces, rather than overly long oratories. She became engaged in the stories we told, and good at deciphering the various “moral” aspects of various tales for herself. In her hands, the Bible wasn’t a tool of indoctrination, but a tool of religious literacy—even critical thinking. Once when she was reading the 10 Commandments, for example, she got to the 10th and read (aloud): “Never want what belongs to others.” Then she stopped and corrected Moses. “Well, you can WANT what belongs to others,” she said. “You just can’t HAVE it. You can buy one for yourself.”

In the four years that have passed since Maxine first told me about God, we have discussed the subject countless times. I have learned that compassion and an open mind are more important than being right. I’ve also learned that the best way to combat intolerance is with knowledge, and that the best way to combat indoctrination is with critical thinking. No longer is there awkwardness around the subject. We talk about lots of different beliefs, encourage her to learn about what motivates the faith of others, and make clear that there is no shame in choosing an unpopular path. After all, her own parents are happy, well-adjusted, and (I like to think) good-hearted people.

Today, Maxine is 9 and believes in God “two days a week — on Sundays and Wednesday.” Is that logical or rational? No. But who cares? It works for her, and that’s what’s important.

I haven’t always done everything right. I have stumbled sloppily through more than a few conversations along my own journey and regretted my word choices now and again. (Our unique biases have a way of filtering through from time to time, despite our best efforts.) But, because the conversations keep coming, I’ve almost always had a chance to right my wrongs, to clarify my position, to bring a new perspective to each situation. The point here is not to be perfect—as my daughter says, “That would be boring”—but to give us something to aim for.

Exposing kids to various brands of spirituality and religion (not to mention non-religious philosophies) is not only fascinating and surprisingly fun; it also has the potential to improve our children’s— and our own—awareness about and compassion for the multiplicity of kinds of people in the world. Like the “sex talk,” discussions about God may come up sooner (and differently) than you had pictured. But it’s our obligation to embrace it. After all, if we’re not prepared to explore ideas of God, religion, and faith with our curious children, someone else will do it for us.

Someone cute.

Wendy Thomas Russell is an award-winning journalist and author of Relax, It’s Just God: How and Why to Talk to Your Kids About Religion When You’re Not Religious. Russell hosts a blog called Natural Wonderers at Patheos.com and writes an online column for the PBS NewsHour. She wrote this for Thinking L.A., a partnership of UCLA and Zocalo Public Square.

TIME Ideas hosts the world's leading voices, providing commentary and expertise on the most compelling events in news, society, and culture. We welcome outside contributions. To submit a piece, email ideas@time.com.

MONEY Kids and Money

How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Obsessed With ‘Stuff’

Chris Gash

As parents we want to give our children everything—but hope they don't start to expect it.

Years ago, after I’d gone off to college, a job opportunity led my parents out of the affluent suburbs of Philadelphia and into an economically diverse town in Massachusetts. They were happy for the move because it offered a more affordable life with the bonus of separating my younger brother, Todd, then 7, from the “spoiled rich kids.”

In Philly my parents had rented a two-bedroom apartment while my brother’s classmates lived in million-dollar homes. And it had become increasingly difficult to explain to Todd why he couldn’t have the newest videogame or why we didn’t go to Europe over spring break. “It was a bad environment for all of us,” my mom recalls. The move was a blessing as my parents aimed to unspoil my brother.

No matter where you live, raising kids who appreciate the value of a dollar isn’t easy—and it’s only gotten tougher since my parents were doing it. “We’re in a world that conspires against waiting,” says Ron Lieber, author of The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money. “So much is available so easily and for so much less money. It’s easy to be in a situation where kids can get what they want without having to sweat it out.”

But what if your child is already obsessed with “stuff”? Can you reverse the trend before you end up with an entitled adult? Experts say yes (phew). Start with these steps.

Share Your Narrative

Explain to your kids why they can’t have certain things by laying out your values and priorities. Maybe you want to uphold attitudes you learned from your hardworking immigrant parents. Perhaps you’re saving for a bigger home. Sharing your stories and showing you’re maintaining the values yourself “can help take some of the sting out,” says Lieber. “Kids like knowing they’re part of a continuum.”

Set Limits…to an Extent

Rather than rejecting your child’s wants outright, allow him to make choices—and learn about trade-offs. With a teen, for example, you could set a clothing budget and let her decide how to spend it. You could help a littler one create a list that ranks desired toys in order of importance.

Make Them Earn It

Requiring kids to earn some wants through chores or a job can help curb entitlement, experts say. Case in point: When Susan Beacham, founder of financial education firm Money Savvy Generation, sent her two daughters to college, she and her husband paid for tuition but refused to cover extras like sorority dues—for those costs, the girls had to get jobs. Beacham found that this motivated her daughters to dispute certain charges they didn’t think were fair. “We gave them a sense of personal responsibility,” says Beacham. “That value would not have surfaced if they hadn’t been spending their own money.”

Farnoosh Torabi is a contributing editor at Money Magazine and the author of When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women. Her new podcast So Money features intimate interviews with leading entrepreneurs, authors and influencers. Visit SoMoneyPodcast.com.

TIME Parenting

Dads Feel Just as Guilty as Moms About Time They Spend With Their Kids

Robert Deutschman—;Getty Images

And moms are going back to work after birth more quickly than ever

Dads are feeling more guilty about the time they spend with their kids, and more pregnant women are staying in the workforce longer, according to two new studies on the roles of parents in the 21st century.

For all the hair-pulling about the stressful lives of working mothers, working fathers feel just as guilty about the amount of time they spend with their kids. According to studies from Pew Research Center, working dads are more likely to feel that they don’t have enough time with their kids than working moms.

Working dads are divided on whether they spend enough time with their kids: 48% say they spend too little, 48% say they spend just enough. But working moms are much more likely to report they have enough time with their kids—66% say they spend just the right amount of time with their kids, compared to 26% who say they have too little. (These numbers include parents who work both full-time and part-time.)

Despite the fact that almost half of working dads (46%) say they spend more time with their kids than their own parents did, they still have a lot of guilt about whether they’re doing enough. Among the dads who say they don’t get enough time with their families, only 49% think they’re doing an excellent job as a parent, while of the dads who say they get enough time, 81% think they’re doing a great job.

Just as the distribution of parenting guilt is evolving, so are norms about working through pregnancies. According to a different Pew study, it’s becoming much more common for an expectant mother to work while pregnant with her first child. While only 44% of pregnant women worked in the early 1960s, by 2006 about 66% of soon-to-be-moms were still on the job. Women are also working longer into their pregnancies—in the 1960s, only 35% of pregnant workers continued working through their eighth month of pregnancy, compared to 82% of pregnant workers in the late 2000s. And women are going back to work more quickly after birth than they used to. Fifty years ago, only 21% of women returned to work within six months of the baby’s birth—by the late 2000s, that number had skyrocketed to 73%.

 

TIME Parenting

7 Things Every Kid with Autism Wishes You Knew

Therapist with autistic boy
WILL & DENI MCINTYRE; Getty Images/Photo Researchers RM

April 2 is World Autism Awareness Day

Every kid is different. So is every individual with autism. But if you’re looking to connect with a child living with autism, Ellen Notbohm, author of Ten Things Every Child With Autism Wishes You Knew, and the mother of an autistic son, says keeping these things in mind can help.

My senses don’t work like yours. For a child living with autism, the sensory impressions of daily life—noises from machines, , the flickering of fluorescent lights, cooking smells— “can be downright painful,” Nothbohm writes. Remember, a world that seems unremarkable to you may be overwhelming to them.

I’m a concrete thinker. “Idioms, puns, nuances, inferences, metaphors, allusions and sarcasm are lost” on children with autism, Nothbohm writes. Instead, communicate with literal language.

I’m a visual thinker. Children with autism have a harder time absorbing spoken words. But they can study visual information until they really understand it. So “show me how to do something rather than just telling me,” Nothbohm writes. “Lots of patient practice helps me learn.”

I have many ways to communicate. Words are not always the best way for a child with autism to interact or convey his or her needs. “But be alert for body language, withdrawal, agitation, or other signs,” Nothbohm writes. “They’re there.”

Focus on what I can do, not what I can’t. Just like anyone else, it’s hard for children with autism to learn when they’re made to feel like they’re not measuring up. But “look for my strengths and you will find them,” Nothbohm writes. “There is more than one right way to do most things.”

Help me join in. Children with autism may seem as if they don’t want to participate in social activities. But in fact, they may just be unsure about how to join in. “Teach me how to play with others,” Nothbohm writes. “Encourage other children to invite me to play along. I might be delighted to be included.”

I’m more than my autism. “If you think of me as just one thing,” Nothbohm writes, “you run the danger of setting up expectations that may be too low.” The reality? “Neither you nor I yet know what I may be capable of.”

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TIME Parenting

The Invincibility Formula

A new book shows us how to conquer our fear of rejection, but it's no easy fix if you're a parent

Yesterday I finished reading a new book by an enterprising man named Jia Jiang. It’s called Rejection Proof: How I Beat Fear and Became Invincible Through 100 Days of Rejection, and thanks to Jia Jiang, I’m now questioning my entire adult life. Or specifically, what I might have become if I weren’t afraid of you-know-what.

Until yesterday, I’d always believed that one of the real benefits of adulthood was learning that rejection is something you want to avoid. O.K., perhaps nincompoops who appear on reality shows have some primal need to be rejected, and in front of the nation at that. But for me, as for many of us, adult life brings rejection enough–from mind (which refuses to commit to memory the names of any new countries formed after I turned 22), from body (right knee: I’m talking to you), from soul (why do the people I love actually have to die? Can’t fate make any exceptions?). In other words, there’s no need for me to go out looking for rejection. It’s everywhere.

And so comfort becomes the goal. Which means that three-inch heels are no longer worth it, I’ve dumped all my friends who make cutting remarks and then say, “I’m just joking! Lighten up!” and I want to eat pasta Bolognese every night of the week. But the pursuit of comfort means childhood dreams begin to fade. Jia’s childhood dream was to grow up and become Bill Gates. My childhood dream was to get a job at Friendly’s and have long, oval-shaped fingernails like Claire Fleming, who was also a cheerleader and had a boyfriend with a beach house. Unfortunately, I was rejected in both pursuits, both by fingernails that refused to grow and a Friendly’s management that did not recognize my manifold talents.

Unlike me, though, Jia couldn’t let go of his childhood dreams. He began to regard comfortable adulthood as a problem. So he quit his secure corporate marketing job in Austin, tried to launch an app, was rejected by a big investor, felt defeated for about half an hour and then cooked up this project to get rejected 100 times in 100 days in order to “beat fear.”

As it turns out, beating fear means making outlandish requests of strangers, videotaping the experience and uploading it to YouTube. On Day 3 of Jia’s quest, for example, he marched into a Krispy Kreme and asked for five doughnuts fashioned in the shape of the Olympic rings. And you know how things go with social media: one minute you have a video of yourself with five Olympic-ring doughnuts, the next minute you have a movement and a book deal. (Why doesn’t anybody just publish a book anymore? All new authors have movement-books, with blogs and TED talks and YouTube channels. Where is Emily Dickinson when we need her?)

By the time I finished Rejection Proof, I was feeling like a Class A slacker. Jia is so daring! So entrepreneurial! So alive! Not to mention a husband who is so sweet (or, uh, canny) that for his 100th rejection challenge, he decided to help his wife Tracy get a job at Google. Which, of course, is impossible. But Jia prevailed, because by that point his project had made him invincible. And so he and Tracy and their toddler son Brian moved to Silicon Valley. Cue the happy ending.

But I’ve got a new challenge for him.

A few years back I read a moving essay in the New York Times by a mother of children in their 20s. She wrote about how we all measure parenting success in part by the degree to which we’ve helped our children overcome setbacks. And that as children get older, that task gets harder. Because at a certain point, a child experiences real, adult rejection and heartache (at work; with friends; with true, grownup love) that a parent cannot cure. And treating that wound is exponentially harder than bandaging a skinned knee.

We are now in the middle of college-admission season, and I feel for the parents of kids all over the country who are getting bad news. I have been there, as have most of my friends, and it’s not pretty. You have a child who learns to walk through life, and when he falls, you pick him back up. He falls again, and you pick him up. You do this again and again, and then one day he falls and he’s suddenly too heavy. You can’t pick him up. That’s when his rejection becomes yours; his hurt becomes yours. And there is very little you can do to make it better.

This is the kind of rejection adults encounter that no one talks about, because it’s messy and sad and you can’t cure it by giving a TED talk or writing a charming book. Jia Jiang, I applaud you on your pluck and ingenuity and desire for something more than a comfortable life. And now you get to help–and watch, really, mostly just watch–as Brian grows and thrives and faces his own inevitable rejections. All I can say is: Good luck.

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Van Ogtrop is the managing editor of Real Simple


This appears in the April 13, 2015 issue of TIME.

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