TIME viral

Watch a Cat Ruin a Game of Mini Golf for Everyone

Seriously. What is it even doing there?

In case you were considering taking your cat for a few holes of mini golf this weekend: Don’t.

In this video making the rounds, a cat actively works to ruin the game for some people just trying to have a good time.

It’s all the proof you need that even if you name your cat Bagger Vance, you still shouldn’t take him to the local putting green. While cats may love the sound of birdies and bogeys, as it turns out, our feline friends struggle to master their golf swing, occasionally mistake the sand trap for a litter box, or use a nine-iron when a wood club is called for. They are also really bad sports. If they can’t play the back nine, no one can.

TIME celebrity

For $40,000 Run The Jewels 2 Will Be Remixed With Cat Sounds

"Meow the Jewels"

Run The Jewels—the rap duo made up of Killer Mike and El-P—really wants people to pre-order their second album, Run The Jewels 2 (or RTJ2), so they made some very enticing packages on Kickstarter to encourage it.

Their pre-order packages include basic t-shirt and record bundles and deluxe vinyl editions. Or, for $40,000, Run the Jewels will remix their entire album with nothing but cat sounds.

The band was probably just joking around when they devised that option and weren’t expecting anyone to pony up $40,000 to hear cats “sing” RTJ’s “All Due Respect” with added vocals from a cat version of Travis Barker, but they underestimated their fan base.

Now, one ingenious fan has started a Kickstarter campaign to make so-called “Meow the Jewels” a reality. The goal is to raise $45,100 (the cost plus Kickstarter and Amazon fees, plus rewards and shipping) so that Run the Jewels can re-record RTJ2 using all cat sounds instead of music. The band is on board with the plan, too. El-P took to Twitter to confirm that he would remix the album with cat sounds if the money came through.

The Kickstarter still has a long way to go (as of this writing, it only has $5,210 of their $45,100 goals). Run the Jewels 2 comes out October 28.

TIME Appreciation

Hero Starts a Petition to Get His Cat Into the High School Yearbook

Seems like a totally reasonable and attainable dream

Draven Rodriguez is just a normal high school kid in upstate New York hoping to make his dreams come true. In this case, those dreams involve getting the administration at Schenectady High School to agree to use the following photo as his senior portrait:

Vincent Giordano / Trinacria Photography

The school has said the photo can be included in the yearbook somewhere, but not as Rodriguez’s official senior portrait, a local CBS affiliate reports. So Rodriguez has started a petition as a “pre-emptive strike.” He hopes to gain enough backers so that the school simply can’t deny this request.

His goal was to reach 500 signatures by Sept. 15, and by the morning of Sep. 11, he’d already hit 721.

TIME viral

Cat and Toddler Team Up to Take on a Laser Pointer

They're so convinced they're eventually going to catch it

This video shows a black cat desperately trying to pounce on the elusive red dot of a laser pointer, with a toddler joining in to assist with the task. The cat is named Muon and is one year old, and the child, Phineas, is two and a half, the poster explains. He adds that they “are on the same wavelength.”

The pair are so, so convinced that the dot is a real, physical being, and sadly, the video cuts off before they come to the realization that it’s not. Maybe a video of their shared existential crisis could be a good follow-up.

TIME animals

Lil Bub Stars in a Summer Version of the Yule Log

It's like Christmas in August

In the dog days of summer, everyone is headed to the beach — including cat video stars.

If you’re stuck at home, or worse, in a cubicle, then consider watching a summer version of the Christmas Yule Log, featuring Lil Bub sitting on a towel on the beach, purring and snoozing in the sun. Her unique appearance is the result of a bone condition.

Fix yourself a pina colada, crank up the fans and start your streaming to experience a beach vacation without springing for two tickets to paradise.

MORE: Of Course There’s a Cat Version of the Yule Log

MONEY Odd Spending

7 Crazy New Products You Can Buy to Spoil Your Pet

BEETHOVEN'S 2ND, Beethoven and Missy, 1993
Dating services can coordinate matches for you--and your pets. Universal—courtesy Everett Collection

Pet dating services? Dog selfies? "Pre-pups?" The world of pampering pets has hit new heights. Like: outer space. Literally.

In recent years, pet owners have been tempted—perhaps guilted—into treating their beloved dogs and cats to products and services that run the gamut from $350 doggie strollers to pet tattoos, luxury doghouses , and gourmet pet cuisine. And how can anyone forget about the fitness-tracking dog collar and the Grumpy Cat-endorsed line of bottled coffee? (The latter was created for human consumption, natch.)

At some point, it would seem like pet marketers simply must run out of every dog-gone idea under the sun. But based on American pet spending—a total of $56 billion last year, and forecasts call for $60 billion in 2014—for entrepreneurial players in the pet economy, the best time to roll out new pet-related products and services is always right meow. Here, in celebration of National Dog Day on Tuesday, are some of the latest options to trot onto the scene.

Personal Trainers for Dogs
Crain’s New York recently reported on some of the latest ways New Yorkers are giving their dogs the very best, including organic artisanal food and the hiring of specialized dog trainers. Not simply traditional trainers who will do the basics like teach a dog to sit, but ones who will run pooches throughout a calorie-burning workout like personal trainers do with humans. Other trainers give dogs swimming and Frisbee-catching lessons, or teach them tricks like taking their own selfies with an iPad. (Warning: Once your dog knows this one, your iPad will bear traces of a wet nose. But the resulting images are probably worth it.)

In-Home Pet Suites
Home builders such as Standard Pacific Homes now offer optional in-home pet suites as part of new construction designs. “The optional pet suite can be customized with a pet shower and removable shower head, built-in cabinetry and other conveniences,” a brochure for one design in a residential community in southern California explains. Pet suites add an average of $8,000 to a home, but more extravagant ones, with flat-screen TVs and a pet door that opens up to a dog run, can go up to $35,000, the Los Angeles Times noted.

Pet Memorial Space Flights
At long last, you can send your deceased pet’s remains into space thanks to Celestis Pets, “the world’s first pet memorial spaceflight service.” The company, which already offers a similar service for human remains, expanded into the pet market this summer. Services range from the basic “Earth Flight,” in which only a symbolic portion of the pet’s cremated remains are sent skyward before returning to earth, to the top-of-the-line “Voyager,” which for $12,500 takes the remains into the deepest space for eternity.

Pet Dating Services
The Associated Press covered the rise of pet-friendly dating services such as PetsDating.com and YouMustLoveDogsDating.com, where like-minded pet-loving singles are supposed to find matches. Love isn’t necessarily the goal, though; PetsDating, “an online community for pet owners who want their pet to enjoy a long, healthy, and fulfilling life in the company of another pet,” has pets rather than human hookups as the primary focus. People who meet through the site could wind up dating, but they also might simply be looking for doggie play dates or someone (and some dog) to go for a walk in the park with. Yet another service, DateMyPet.com, is indeed all about making love matches—within one’s own species, to clear up any confusion about the name.

Dog Toiletries
Companies like Fort Lauderdale’s Synergy Labs are “tapping into the worldwide trend to humanize pets,” according to the Sun Sentinel. The company sells a kennel’s worth of atypical pet merchandise, including a lineup of Pooch Scents (basically: perfume for dogs, with scents like POSH, Rain Fresh, and STUD), high-end organic shampoos and conditioners, and a forthcoming one-of-a-kind toothbrush “designed with three heads to clean the inside and outside of the mouth and the pet’s face at the same time.”

Pet Annuities
A survey by the Securian Financial Group found that nearly 20% of pet owners have made financial plans for the wellbeing of their pets if the owners pass away. Of those, 13% had bought annuities that named the pet’s caregiver as the beneficiary.

Pet Prenups
The rise of couples battling over custody of their pets when they break up—seen this summer with the split of Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith, who wants to get their three dogs in the divorce settlement—has raised the profile of “pre-pups.” Like it sounds, the pre-pup is part of a prenuptial agreement that specifies who gets ownership of a pet in the case of a breakup. More attorneys are specializing in pet issues including custody disputes, and apparently there’s quite a need. Data cited by the Daily Mail indicates that one-fifth of separating couples with pets said figuring out who gets the dog was just as stressful as determining who would get custody of the children. Yahoo News reported that without a pet prenup, pets tend to be viewed in the eyes of the court as furniture or any other possession owned by the couple, and bidding wars often determine which party ultimately gets to keep the pooch.

TIME Business

Pizza Hut Japan’s New Ad Boasting Cat Chefs Is as Adorable as It Is Unsanitary

Featuring a fictional pizzeria called Pizza Cat!

Everyone loves pizza, and (mostly) everyone loves cats, so Pizza Hut made the brilliant decision to combine the two for its latest ad campaign — in Japan, at least.

Basically, “Pizza Cat!” is a fictional Pizza Hut location operated entirely by a ragtag crew of cats named Tencho, Hime, Dora, and Detch. The campaign features a series of vignettes about these feline employees attempting to do their jobs. Naturally, they are pretty bad at those jobs because they are cats, and cats were simply not built to run fast food pizza joints.

Here they are mapping out their delivery route:

And trying to figure out how hats work:

And riding Roombas:

And trying to do computers:

The real question here is: Why is this only a thing in Japan? We’re pretty certain cats could sell a ton of pizzas in the U.S. too.

TIME Photos

Feel Good Friday: 11 Fun Photos To Start Your Weekend

From the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge to the World Band Pipe Championships, here's a handful of photos to get your weekend started right

TIME animals

Terrifying Genius Cat Figures Out How to Open Doors

He'd make a good cat burglar

Meet Mulder. Mulder is cute. Mulder also has a secret power: He can open doors. He can even do it when there’s a tub of water in the way. Now if he can only figure out how to flush the toilet, he’d be the perfect house cat.

TIME animals

This Cat That Can Open Doors Reminds Us That We’re Never Truly Safe

Further proof that an international cat uprising is nigh

“Cats can’t open doors because they don’t have opposable thumbs and also because they’re just silly little cats.”

You’ve probably thought that before, but it’s time for you to learn the truth. Cats CAN and DO open doors, as we’ve learned from this video uploaded by YouTuber Kristian Svenson.

What this means is that nowhere is ever truly safe for us and that cats will most likely rise up and try to stage a massive coup and we should probably start taking the proper precautions before it’s too late.

MORE: Never Drink Alone Again Because Now There’s Wine for Cats

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