TIME Sports

Watch: Marshawn Lynch Gives One-Word Answers During Post-Game Interview

"Yeah...Yeah...Yeah."

After the Seattle Seahawks defeated the Arizona Cardinals (19-3) Sunday night, reporters crowded around Seahawks running back Lynch, posing several questions that he answered with a simple “Yeah.”

“How does your back feel, Marshawn?” asked one reporter. Lynch’s answer: “Yeah.”

“How are you feeling, Marshawn?” asked another. The reply: “Yeah.”

“Talk about the Cardinals defense.” Also: “Yeah.”

To be fair, Lewis did throw a few other answers into the mix. When a reporter asked if it was tough to rebound from his game on Thursday after feeling unwell, Lynch said, “Maybe.” He gave one two-word response when asked what he listened to on the way over: “No Juice.”

The especially brief replies come after Lynch was fined $100,000 for refusing to speak with reporters after a losing game. His entire interview can be watched on NFL.com, or see the transcript below with his full responses:

TIME Bizarre

Let Kim Kardashian’s Butt Help You Study for the SATs

Kim Kardashian Paper Magazine
Jean-Paul Goude—Paper

Can you calculate the area of this booty?

For most teens, studying for the SATs is a major bummer. But it doesn’t have to be. The people behind test preparation company Catalyst Prep believe in the educational utility of a healthy sense of humor. In an effort to meet teenagers in the bubble of reality TV and social media in which they exist, the company tweeted last week, “As patriotic, pop-culturally-minded Americans, we couldn’t help but see Kim Kardashian’s recent photos as an opportunity to teach SAT math.” They proceeded to cook up some of the most culturally relevant geometry lessons the Internet has to offer.

Catalyst placed Kardashian’s famous backside at the center of several word problems. One challenges students to calculate a perimeter:

Another focuses on angles:

And a third explores the relationship between area and diameter:

For all that’s been written about the photos — that they’re bereft of meaning, indicative of larger issues around representations of black women or simply images of a woman in control and having a good time — it’s now safe to say that the butt that nearly broke the Internet is serving at least one purpose for good.

TIME

J.K. Rowling Reveals Her Dream Job If She Weren’t A Writer

Dream job alert

Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling won Twitter today by revealing the career she would have adopted were she not a hugely successful writer:

Potter fans will likely recognize the significance of her choice. The Patronus, the result of a defensive spell that channels a wizard’s positive feelings, of main character Hermione (who Rowling has said is based on her younger self) is an otter.

But just in case case Rowling is looking for a second job, we would like to point out that some China Zoos are hiring for panda nannies. Just think of the bedtime stories she’d tell them.

TIME celebrity

Waka Flocka Flame’s Ad for Throat Drops Is a Giant Weed Joke

This is the same guy who wanted to hire a blunt roller a couple of months ago

During the 2014 American Music Awards, a commercial for Pine Brothers throat drops aired starring rapper Waka Flocka Flame (the same guy who advertised on Instagram in September, “Im paying 50K a year for a blunt roller….Hashtag #ICanRoll”). It is pretty hilarious to watch him sit back on a couch and promote sore throat relief in a smoke-filled room.

MORE:

The American Music Awards Proved New Pop Stars Are Way Too Cautious

Lorde Performs Her ‘Mockingjay’ Theme Song, ‘Yellow Flicker Beat’

Taylor Swift Goes Crazy on the American Music Awards Stage Performing ‘Blank Space’

 

 

TIME Food & Drink

Competitive Eater Devours a 20-Pound Turkey Whole

2014 Nathan's Famous 4th July International Hot Dog Eating Contest
Joey Chestnut wins the Men's Division with 61 Hot Dogs at the 2014 Nathan's Famous 4th July International Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island on July 4, 2014 in the Brooklyn borough of New York City. Bobby Bank—WireImage/Getty Images

Competitive eater Joey Chestnut cleaned 9.35 pounds of meat off of a 20 pound turkey on Saturday, breaking a new record in the field of competitive eating.

Chestnut devoured nearly twice as much meat in 10 minutes as the previous record-holder, Sonya Thomas, who put down 5.25 pounds of turkey meat in 2011, the Associated Press reports.

The legendary gobbler, who scarfed down 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes to win the Coney Island contest this year, polished off the whole bird at Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut. He won $5,000 in reward money, while the remainder of the pot, $10,000, was split among the nine contenders.

[AP]

TIME viral

Watch Fred Armisen Master 10 Different New York Accents

Yes, there is shrugging involved.

New York City’s residents speak as many as 800 languages, but they also speak English in almost as many accents. Or if not quite as many, every neighborhood, at least, boasts its own nuanced version of the New York accent. And Fred Armisen, master of impressions, has mastered them all.

At a fundraiser for Doctors Without Borders, the Saturday Night Live alumnus performed impressions of different New York accents based on audience suggestions, tackling the West Village, Astoria and the Bronx, among others. He also took an anthropological perspective on the accents’ origins. Upper West Siders, for example, are “more appreciative of the things that are around New York,” whereas residents of the Rockaways are “trying to prove something.”

He took his biggest jab at the corner of New York where he himself was raised: Long Island. “They’re trying to prove that they’re not dumb,” he stutters, making ample use of arm gestures. “They’re already being defensive about being made fun of.” And just like that, Armisen reveals the genesis of his career as a comedian: a childhood marked by Long Island-induced insecurity.

TIME Holidays

See How Picasso, van Gogh and Other Famous Artists Would Serve a Thanksgiving Meal

Hannah Rothstein

Turkey, graving and stuffing get a complete makeover in this series by a California-based artist

When it comes to serving a successful meal, everybody knows that it’s all about presentation.

With that in mind, San Francisco-based artist Hannah Rothstein decided to create 10 versions of a similar meal, all in the styles of famous artists. But Rothstein, who makes everything from paintings and illustrations to jewelry and murals, had never worked with food before, so this idea was totally new for her.

“It was kind of one of those out of the blue moments, like a lot of moments of inspiration and creativity,” Rothstein tells TIME. She initially planned to do a series of illustrations imitating different artists’ brushstrokes, but realized that was “incredibly boring” and not particularly creative. But soon, a better idea came to her. “Thanksgiving had been on my mind, so that popped into my head, and I thought, ‘Oh! Thanksgiving food!'”

Rothstein settled on 10 artists who all had distinct and recognizable styles – like Piet Mondrian, pictured above. Some artists’ styles were fairly straightforward to recreate, but others, like Georges Seurat, who’s best known for his use of pointillism, required incredibly fastidious work, Rothstein said.

Want to hang one of these on your dining room wall? Rothstein is selling 25 signed prints of each photo and donating 10 percent of the proceeds to the SF-Marin Food Bank.

“I really love making art and I think bringing beauty into the world is important, but in many ways I find art to be a selfish act,” Rothstein says. “So for this, it made sense to donate to the food bank to help people who couldn’t afford their own Thanksgiving meals to have one.”

Check out all the plates – including an especially surprising one at the end.

Piet Mondrian:

Hannah Rothstein

René Magritte:

Hannah Rothstein

Mark Rothko:

Hannah Rothstein

Vincent van Gogh:

Hannah Rothstein

Pablo Picasso:

Hannah Rothstein

Jackson Pollock:

Hannah Rothstein

Julian Schnabel:

Hannah Rothstein

Georges Seurat:

Hannah Rothstein

Andy Warhol:

Hannah Rothstein

Cindy Sherman:

Cindy+Sherman+Thanksgiving

Read next: These Carpets Map Out Different Countries’ Aerial Landscapes

TIME viral

The Polish Official That Called Winnie the Pooh ‘Disturbing’ Was Maybe Joking

"It is half naked, which is wholly inappropriate for children"

Winnie the Pooh might be the only pants-less character parents happily let around their children, but for one town in Poland, the bear’s unusual wardrobe and his anatomy haven’t gone unnoticed.

Officials in the town of Tuszyn appeared to oppose naming a park after the beloved children’s book character because of his attire, though one has since said that the discussion was in jest, the Associated Press reports.

“The problem with that bear is it doesn’t have a complete wardrobe,” Councillor Ryszard Cichy said in an audio recording of a closed-door meeting that was reportedly leaked to the press, according to the Croatian Times. “It is half naked, which is wholly inappropriate for children.” Another official called Pooh a “hermaphrodite.”

Councillor Hanna Jachimska continued the conversation, suggesting Pooh author Alan Alexander Milne was “disturbing.” “The author was over 60 and cut [Pooh’s] testicles off with a razor blade,” she said, “because he had a problem with his identity.”

Cichy later told a newspaper that he was joking after the official discussion about the playground had gone on too long. At any rate, it’s a good thing the meeting didn’t look too closely at the rest of Pooh’s friends. After all, Eeyore and Tigger are not only pants-less but shirt-free, too.

[AP]

TIME World

Venice Wants to Ban Your Offending, Noisy Suitcase Wheels

Businessman pulling rolling suitcase
Getty Images

Leave your efficient, easy-to-transport wheelie suitcase at home, says the gondola-filled city

Venice’s city council is considering a ban on rolling suitcases in response to residents’ complaints about the loud noise tourists make ambling about the streets with their stuffed racket-makers.

The incessant sound of wheeled suitcases is giving Venetians “serious discomfort” and also leading to the “progressive deterioration” of centuries-old paving slabs, marble steps and foot bridges, the city council said, the Telegraph reports.

Tourists who use rolling suitcases could be fined up to 500 euros ($620), but residents would be exempt from the ban. Luggage equipped with air-filled wheels would be permissible for the city’s 27 million annual visitors.

“The law won’t come into effect until May, so hopefully by then one or two companies might start producing trolley suitcases with air-filled wheels,” said Maurizio Dorigo, the council’s planning director.

[The Telegraph]

TIME Bizarre

Monty Python Song is the Brits’ Funeral Favorite

Baby Boomers in the UK play “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” more than any other track

Correction appended Nov. 22.

Who gets the last laugh? The British, it seems, after a study out Friday revealed that Monty Python’s “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” is the most-played song at funerals in the United Kingdom.

The relentlessly optimistic song was written by Eric Idle and first appeared in Monty Python’s biblical satire Life of Brian in 1979. The song tickled the funny bone of a generation with the juxtaposition of its lyrics—“If life seems jolly rotten, there’s something you’ve forgotten, and that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing”—and the characters singing it in the comedy classic, a chorus of people being crucified on a hillside.

The findings come from a survey of more than 30,000 funerals in the UK by The Co-operative Funeralcare.

The irreverent track pushed out more traditional songs for the No. 1 spot, including “The Lord is My Shepherd” and “Abide with Me.”

The song lyrics do strike a particularly comforting note for a funeral.

For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must always face the curtain
with a bow
Forget about your sin – give the
audience a grin
Enjoy it – it’s your last chance
anyhow.

So always look on the bright side… of death.

Other hit classics to make the Top 10 Most-Played list in the humor category include “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen, “Ring of Fire,” by Johnny Cash, “Bat Out of Hell,” by Meat Loaf, and The Trammps’ “Disco Inferno”—“Buuuurn baby burn!”

Well played, Britain. Well played.

Here’s a video of the folks from Monty Python singing this very song for one of their own.

Correction: The original version of this story misstated the movie in which the song “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” first appeared and the year it was released. It was Life of Brian in 1979.

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