Here’s Proof the Jokes for Comedy Central’s Justin Bieber Roast Will Write Themselves

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Theo Wargo—2014 Getty Images Singer-songwriter Justin Bieber presents onstage at Fashion Rocks 2014

From monkey abandonment to pot planes

Soon, several comedians will have the opportunity to collect their easiest paycheck to date. All they have to do is make fun of Justin Bieber.

Comedy Central announced that the Canadian pop star will be the subject of its next roast, to be taped and aired at a later date.

While roasters won’t have to search hard for material — see: literally every single news story about the Biebs from the last year — here are some points we hope they hit.

That time he caused $80,900 of damage by egging his neighbor’s house
No, that’s not a typo.

That time he abandoned his pet monkey in a German airport
Mally the monkey was seized by German officials when Bieber tried to smuggle him out of the country without permission during the “Believe” tour. According to The Guardian, “emails from Bieber’s management to the shelter [where the monkey was held] indicated the singer does not want the monkey anymore.” Bieber reportedly owed Germany $11,000 for the incident.

That time he peed in a restaurant’s mop bucket while saying “F*** Bill Clinton”
He later thanked the former president on Twitter after Bill called the Biebs. No words on a reconciliation with the bucket.

That time he was arrested for a DUI and drag racing
In a yellow Lamborghini, obvi.

That time he decided this was a good look for a mugshot

That time the FAA investigated him for a “pot plane” incident (he was cleared)
What’s the point of having a private jet if you can’t hotbox it?

That time he thought he was being super thoughtful about Anne Frank
In April 2013, the Biebs took a trip to the Anne Frank House in Amsteram and wrote in the guestbook: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a believer.” Because, yes, the true tragedy of Frank’s early demise was that she never got to see Never Say Never. In lieu of an apology, Bieber posted a shirtless selfie on Instagram the next day. #Dontbecreepin (his words, not ours).

That time he was probably photoshopped for a Calvin Klein underwear campaign

That time he had an identity crisis
Repeat after me: I am not Eminem

That time he literally begged Comedy Central to roast him
Nothing’s hotter than desperation.

“We’re thrilled he listened,” Comedy Central president Kent Alterman said in a release.

TIME Bizarre

New Hampshire Lottery Releases Bacon-Scented Scratch Ticket

It'll certainly gives new meaning to the phrase "bringing home the bacon"

The New Hampshire state lottery is now offering a lottery ticket that smells like bacon.

The new tickets, which are scratch-n-sniff and read “I Heart Bacon,” were released Jan. 5. Winners can take home $1,000 and the odds of making at least a dollar are one in 4.12, the website says. Plus, you know, it just smells delicious.

To promote the new ticket, bacon trucks will visit various locations in the state, handing out free samples of applewood smoked bacon as well as offering lottery tickets.

Last week, around 700,000 tickets were sold, MarketWatch reports, making the bacon lottery the best selling $1 ticket.

TIME celebrity

Here’s the Cover of Kim Kardashian’s New Book of Selfies, Selfish

There's some cleavage

Reality TV star Kim Kardashian revealed the cover art for her upcoming book of selfies, Selfish, on Tuesday, and a spokesperson for Rizzoli confirmed to TIME that the following image is the real deal:

MORE The Kim Kardashian Game Isn’t Making the Megabucks Everyone Thought

In the description of the book on Rizzoli’s website, the star of E!’s Keeping Up With The Kardashians who is married to rapper Kanye West, is referred to as “the modern-day personification of Marilyn Monroe,” a “true American icon,” and a “trailblazer of the ‘selfie movement.'” Selfish hits shelves in spring 2015.

MORE Big Idea 2015: Brands Will Be More Like Kim Kardashian

Read next: Kim Kardashian Is Nearly Unrecognizable on the Cover of Love Magazine

Listen to the most important stories of the day.

TIME Social Media

Facebook’s Going to Start Weeding Out Fake News Stories

But don't worry — The Onion is safe

Get ready to see less “news” stories about Santa Claus truthers and dinosaur sightings in Utah proliferating on your Facebook feed.

The social media platform announced in a blog post Tuesday that it is making a concerted effort to decrease the number of hoaxes and misleading stories in users’ News Feeds.

FacebookSample “hoax” post included in its press release

“People often share these hoaxes and later decide to delete their original posts after they realize they have been tricked,” Facebook explains. “These types of posts also tend to receive lots of comments from friends letting people know this is a hoax, and comments containing links to hoax-busting websites.”

Internal data shows that people are twice as likely to delete a post after receiving a friend’s clarifying comment.

Users are given the option to report a new story as false.

FacebookFacebook’s instructions on how to report fake news stories

While Facebook won’t delete or fact-check the content, it will not only reduce the distribution of posts that have been reported as false but also add a warning to future sharers.

But don’t worry — this doesn’t mean The Onion is going anywhere.

Facebook clarified that users rarely reported satirical content, so that humorous genre won’t be impacted.

TIME technology

A Chinese Company 3D-Printed This Five-Story Apartment Building

And a 12,000 square foot mansion

In the not-so-distant future, you might be able to have your 3D printed cake and eat it in your 3D printed apartment.

A Chinese company unveiled a five-story apartment building and three-story mansion that were constructed using a 500-foot-long 3D printer, CNet reports.

Construction company WinSun presented the apartment building at Suzhou Industrial Park:

Here’s the 11,840-square-foot mansion:

According to CNet, the villa cost about $161,000 to build, decreased production time between 50 and 70 percent and saved between 30 and 60 percent of construction waste.

This isn’t WinSun’s first 3D construction feat. In April, the company claimed to print 10 houses in less than 24 hours.

The future is here.

TIME celebrity

Watch Benedict Cumberbatch Pretend His Name is ‘Chad’

Further proof the actor is perfect just the way he is

Part of actor Benedict Cumberbatch’s popularity stems from his unique name (and has even inspired a parody name generator).

So on Jimmy Kimmel Live Monday night, the host challenged the Oscar-nominated Imitation Game star to try out some more generic and celebrity names for size. The actor sits in what looks like a candlelit bar, and introduces himself, in a seductive voice, as Chad, George Costanza (from Seinfeld), Sanjay Gupta, 2 Chainz, Inigo Montoya and more. By the end of the gag, he cannot keep a straight face.

Fans, fingers crossed he plays a “Cumberbaby” version of this game at some point.

TIME movies

This Scene Shows Just How Ridiculously Fake the Baby From American Sniper Is

Maybe they simply did not trust Bradley Cooper with a real one

Bradley Cooper may have earned himself a Best Actor nomination for his role in the Clint Eastwood-directed American Sniper, but the actor who plays his baby gets no nominations because it’s not even an actor at all. It’s just a dumb plastic doll.

In the scene above, featuring Bradley Cooper and Sienna Miller, you’ll notice that the baby is fake. So fake. Distractingly fake. Like, it’s hard to listen to the words the actors are saying because you’re just looking at the lifeless plastic lump in Cooper’s arms and wondering why they couldn’t afford to hire a real baby for this.

The New York Times explains that the film’s screenwriter, Jason Hall, weighed in on this issue back in December in a since deleted tweet. It read: “Hate to ruin the fun but real baby #1 showed up with a fever. Real baby #2 was no show. (Clint voice) Gimme the doll, kid.”

Come on, Clint Eastwood. It’s 2015. Haven’t you heard of CGI?

Read next: The True Story Behind ‘American Sniper’

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TIME Business

Get Ready to Cry With Dove’s Super Bowl Ad About Dads

Pull out the tissues

Doves’s male-focused product line Men+Care has released its Super Bowl ad, which pays tribute to fathers. The spot almost entirely consists of children screaming “dad” or “daddy,” and the ad’s text says, “What makes a man stronger? Showing that he cares.” A 30-second version of this commercial will air during the 1st quarter of the game, a Dove spokesperson told TIME.

In a news release, Jennifer Bremner, director of marketing at Dove Men+Care, said:

“We know that men today are embracing their caring roles more than ever, and that these experiences are fulfilling and strengthening them…Especially at a time when fans are overwhelmingly hearing about physical feats on the football field, we wanted men (and women) to hear at least one voice saying, ‘Care Makes a Man Stronger.'”

Bremner also told AdWeek last month that the commercial is part of a conversation about masculinity “that we hope to start and spark on the Super Bowl.” And if it looks familiar, that is because it uses footage from its “Real Dad Moments” campaign, an ad released for Father’s Day 2014.

The brand also released a Super Bowl ad in 2010, showing a boy starting to grow up to be a tough guy who has been told “don’t show your sensitive side.” He then marries, starts a family and finally feels comfortable enough to embrace that side: “You can take on anything because you can, you’re a man.”

MORE: Here’s Why Companies Can’t Say ‘Super Bowl’ in Their Super Bowl Ads

TIME celebrity

Watch Jennifer Lopez Use Her Butt as a Clue During a Game With Jimmy Fallon

She's trying to get him to say the word "bottom" but he gets pretty thrown off

During a visit to The Tonight Show Monday evening, Jennifer Lopez, who stars in the upcoming movie The Boy Next Door, set aside some time to play a rousing game of Catch Phrase. (If you’ve never played, the goal is to get your team to guess a phrase without saying any of the words in that phrase.)

The main takeaway here is that Jennifer Lopez is extremely competitive. She gets super into the game, jumping up and down and gesticulating wildly — all while wearing some sort of satin jumpsuit situation. It’s all pretty riveting, but the best part comes at the end, when she attempts to use her famous rear end to get Jimmy Fallon to guess the phrase “bottom line.”

It takes Fallon forever to guess it and then they lose and J.Lo probably hates him forever now.

Read next: A Chinese Company 3D-Printed This Five-Story Apartment Building

Listen to the most important stories of the day.

TIME celebrity

Justin Bieber Will Be Roasted on Comedy Central

The network has caught Bieber fever.

It’s official: Justin Bieber will be roasted on Comedy Central. The network announced Tuesday that Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber will tape in Los Angeles at a date and time still to be determined, though it already has a hashtag, #BieberRoast.

“Justin has been asking us for a few years to roast him, and we just kept telling him to go create more source material first. We’re thrilled he listened,” Kent Alterman of Comedy Central said in a statement. In a remarkably similar choice of words, Bieber tweeted out the news:

The fact that Bieber was tasked with creating more “source material” for the roast, does raise the specter of whether all of Bieber’s behavior (beef! drag races! spankings! drugs! monkeys!) has just been part of his effort to give Comedy Central the source material they were seeking. Perhaps Bieber is displaying Andy Kaufman levels of commitment to the task.

Over the weekend, he proved he could take a joke after he tweeted “Well played. LOL.” in response to the send-up of his new Calvin Klein ads by Saturday Night Live actresses Kate McKinnon (as the pop star) and Cecily Strong (as the female model).

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