TIME celebrities

33 Birthday Wishes for Beyoncé on Her 33rd Birthday

Beyonce performs onstage during the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards at The Forum on Aug. 24, 2014 in Inglewood, Calif.
Christopher Polk—MTV1415/Getty Images for MTV Beyonce performs onstage during the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards at The Forum on Aug. 24, 2014 in Inglewood, Calif.

Let me hear you say "Happy birthday, Mrs. Carter!"

Bow down. Today, Sept. 4, is Queen Beyoncé’s 33rd birthday.

Unfortunately, the United States government has yet to recognize this as a national holiday, but you should obviously still celebrate this glorious occasion. To help you kick off the festivities, we’ve come up with some birthday wishes for Bey. Yes, it’s hard to imagine what else Beyoncé could possibly need, but we still came up with a few ideas.

Here’s what we hope for Bey in the coming year:

  1. No more elevator drama.
  2. To surround herself with positive things, and not diss anyone on the Internet, because her Mama taught her better than that.
  3. To encourage more ladies who truly feel her to throw their hands up at her.
  4. To wake up like this (flawless) every single day.
  5. That when she needs Jay Z everything will stop and he will put her love on top.
  6. To help an elite coterie of girls develop the skills necessary to run the world.
  7. A surfbort.
  8. That matchy-match loin cloths will come back into fashion.
  9. To continue to buy the shoes on her feet, the clothes she wearing, the rock she’s rocking, the watch she’s wearing, the house she lives in and the car she’s driving.
  10. To get five more Rock and Roll Hall of Fame exhibits.
  11. That her pet alligators live long, healthy, happy lives.
  12. That every vehicle she enters has a functioning partition.
  13. A dance party with Laverne Cox.
  14. A brand new freakum dress.
  15. A brand new pizza outfit.
  16. To grace the cover of TIME every week this year (or forever.)
  17. That she and Jay will open up a classy but affordable pizza and wine restaurant in Brooklyn called Pizzoncé.
  18. An awesome Halloween costume that will empower women.
  19. That Blue Ivy will become best friends with Suri Cruise.
  20. A rollerskating rink inside her house (if she doesn’t already have this.)
  21. Her face on an official U.S. stamp.
  22. Another surfbort (in case something happens to the other one.)
  23. That this year’s TIME 100 will just become the TIME 1, and only feature Beyoncé.
  24. That Blue will hang out with more presidential dogs.
  25. That the Brooklyn Bridge will be renamed the Beyoncé Bridge.
  26. That the Grand Canyon will be renamed the Grand Beyoncé.
  27. That the United States of America will be renamed the United States of Beyoncé.
  28. A box to the left to put Jay Z’s things in, if it really comes to that.
  29. Someone to follow her around and make sure a fan is always gently blowing her hair.
  30. That her birthday party will be jumpin’ jumpin’.
  31. That “surfbort” will get added to the Oxford English Dictionary just like “bootylicious.”
  32. A Beyoncé Instagram filter.
  33. That VMA she really did deserve for the “Single Ladies” video.

Oh, and to continue celebrating, be sure to check out these 33 gorgeous photos of her. HBD, Bey.

TIME celebrity

Flawless Beyoncé Memes for the Diva’s 33rd Birthday

The Glastonbury Festival 2011 - Day Four
Samir Hussein—Getty Images Beyonce headlines the Pyramid Stage at the Glastonbury Festival at Worthy Farm, Pilton on June 26, 2011 in Glastonbury, England.

With special props to a girl who may have told a professor she was skipping class on this special day

Today is Beyoncé’s 33rd birthday. For anyone else in the world, 33 would normally be a pretty uneventful birthday — but because we’re talking about Beyoncé, it’s automatically extraordinary.

In fact, if Twitter had its way, today would be an international holiday. And while school has started for many students, some are already talking about skipping class. BuzzFeed spotted a tweet of an email that may or may not have been sent to a college professor (regardless, the concept is hilarious):

Here are other musings and birthday tributes from tweeps:

And every day is Beyoncé’s birthday in this pizza company’s world, ever since the pop star wore a pepperoni pizza-patterned outfit last year:

This GIF will make you fall “Drunk in Love” with her all over again:

For more of where that came from: GIPHY, a website that compiles GIFs, claims it has aggregated every single Beyoncé one here.

TIME viral

Dad and Daughter’s Goofy Dance to ‘All About That Bass’ Will Make You Smile

The dad does handstands, is arguably way more into it than the little girl

Sometimes it seems like every day is Father’s Day on the Internet, specifically when videos of dads breakdancing to Ariana Grande’s “Problem” and Ke$ha and Pitbull’s “Timber” go viral.

The latest groove session worth spotlighting features Josh Rinder, 29, of Aiken, South Carolina, and his four-year-old daughter Audrey Rinder rocking out to Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Bass.” You can argue that the father enjoys the dancing even more than his daughter, for he spends way more time in front of the camera, jiggling his behind, doing handstands, and break-dancing on a treadmill.

“What better way to spend time with your daughter than to be silly,” he says in an email.

For the duo’s latest video, dad donned a horse head mask to dance to Taylor Swift’s new single “Shake It Off” in an eccentric take on the hit single:

(h/t Viral Viral Video)

TIME NextDraft

Maybe Modern Life Makes Us Dumber and Other Fascinating News on the Web

September 3, 2014

nextdraft_newsfeed_v2

1. Generation D Minus

Smaller brains. Slower reaction times. A gradual decline in IQ scores. Barry Ritholtz has collected a variety of stories and studies that, when taken together, raise an interesting question: Is modern life making us dumber?

+ This is not definitive, but it’s certainly suggestive of an answer to that question.

+ Still not convinced?

+ Related: A compilation of ice bucket challenge fails.

2. Caught with Your Breaches Down

Vanity Fair’s Michael Joseph Gross summarizes the deal we all make when it comes to the cloud: “Call it connectivity; call it seduction, or surveillance; call it voyeurism or exhibitionism. Whatever you call it, its tools have the whole world hooked. These tools let users live in streams of information about other people’s lives while enabling the same users to send out streams of information about their own lives. In exchange for these tools, users allow the tech giants to handle and inspect all the stuff we show, and all the stuff we look at, and to keep copies of it, perhaps forever, on computer servers that we do not control, and never will.”

+ Wired: The police tool that pervs use to steal pics from the cloud.

+ The seedy underbelly of the web is worse than you think. “What we see in the public with these hacking incidents seems to only be scratching the surface. There are entire communities and trading networks where the data that is stolen remains private and is rarely shared with the public.” (And this stuff is mild compared to what one would find in the dark web.)

+ Did you even know that Home Depot is investigating a massive hack? If not, you may be suffering from data breach fatigue.

3. Killing Instinct

“Consider this: in many of the videos, the cameraman narrated the moments before the blast with palpable excitement, panting and exclaiming as the explosion neared. It’s impossible to watch without concluding that those guys were enjoying what they did.” The New Yorker’s Dexter Filkins on the Islamic State and killing as a means and an end.

+ “He told them he was sick and didn’t want to eat, even though we were served eggs that day … He used to pray secretly in the direction of Jerusalem. He would see in which direction (his Muslim captors) were praying and then adjust the angle.” Steven Sotloff worked hard to hide the fact that he was Jewish and had dual Israeli-U.S. citizenship.

4. Ivan Ilych is Dying

Russian President Vladimir Putin shared the broad outlines of a potential peace plan for eastern Ukraine that might include the Russian-backed rebels keeping the land they’ve secured.

+ Russia is not in an all out war with the world. Yet, you’d think they were given the country’s mortality rate. In the New York Review, Masha Gessen looks at the remarkable numbers and wonders: “Why are Russians dying in numbers, and at ages, and of causes never seen in any other country that is not, by any standard definition, at war?”

5. Fleeing There

Even if you are an ardent climate change denier, it can’t hurt to plan your vacation schedule wisely. Matter is here to help out with a list of 33 things to eat, drink, see, and do before climate change ruins everything. (Just to be safe, dress in layers.)

+ Modern Farmer: “This will be worse than anything seen during the last 2,000 years.” Is the Southwest facing a megadrought?

+ How dry is it out west? Let these photos do the talking.

6. Throw the Book at ‘Em

Feeling depressed or suffering from some other form of mental illness? Just read the bible and you should be OK. That might sound like odd advice, but “for millions of Americans suffering from anxiety, depression, bipolar or obsessive-compulsive disorder, bulimia, anorexia, or even schizophrenia, biblical counseling is the sole form of treatment they are likely to receive.” Pacific Standard’s Kathryn Joyce on the rise of biblical counseling.

7. Working the Dox

“And sometimes he needs a little persuasion. Maybe a visit from henchmen with cattle prods. Or the old Taser-to-the-balls trick. After a few hours of this kind of torture, the stubborn husband will sign pretty much anything.” GQ’s Matthew Shaer on a powerful rabbi/thug who used some very unorthodox methods to get orthodox Jewish husbands to agree to divorces (or just about anything else): “It was always his name that came up. He was beating guys up, he was giving them bloody noses, he was using cattle prods. He had a gang of thugs, and he had a van, and he’d scoop you right off the street.” (I’m pretty sure this is the same guy who worked with me on my Bar Mitzvah torah portion…)

8. Peace and Gov

“It’s expensive. You hear stories about people dying from cancer who don’t have the money.” The NYT’s Ian Lovett on Berkeley’s new plan to provide free medical marijuana to those who can’t afford it.

+ Partnerships. A private equity fund. Increasing readership. These are high times at High Times.

9. I Get So Emojional Baby

My wife is just about to release an incredible new emoji app, but first she needs a little wisdom from our crowd. Please take a few seconds and take her Emoji Intelligence Survey 2014. If you complete the survey, it will be like me sending her some emoji hearts for which I will get a smiley face in return. So WTF are you waiting for?

10. The Bottom of the News

The first rule of Mile High Fight Club is: You do not talk about Mile High Fight Club. The second rule is you don’t recline. The LA Times on the cramped seats and angry passengers that have led to several diverted flights.

+ Introducing the NFL linebacker who is 14 inches tall and 235 pounds. Occasionally, Madden NFL has a small glitch.

+ Syndicated from Kottke: It turns out that this close-up video of slow motion skateboard tricks is all I’ve ever wanted out of life.

+ Pop Quiz: As of last March, you can bring a gun into public college campuses in Idaho. On Tuesday, a professor accidentally shot himself during class.

nextdraft

TIME technology

These Smart Chopsticks Could Help You Survive a Chinese Food Safety Scare

They can detect "gutter oil," or recycled frying oil made from waste oil of a sewage or slaughterhouse

Glow-in-the-dark pork, expired chicken parts, goose feet painted with inedible pigment—no one wants to know what’s coming next. And Baidu certainly doesn’t, either.

The Chinese Internet and tech giant unveiled on Wednesday its “smart chopsticks,” called Kuaisou in Chinese, which can detect contamination levels in oil and water, according to the Wall Street Journal. Outfitted with high-tech sensors, the utensils link to a smartphone app and can also report nutritional value, according to a promotional video Baidu released earlier this year.

The smart chopsticks are designed to combat one of China’s most notorious food scandals: “gutter oil,” or a cheap cooking oil made from the waste oil of slaughterhouses, sewages and fryers that’s used by some street vendors. In the video, a Baidu engineer uses the chopsticks to lift a popular fried Chinese street snack, while a red alert indicates that the food contains traces of the recycled oil.

“In the future, via Baidu Kuaisou, you’ll be able to know the origin of oil and water and other foods–whether they’ve gone bad and what sort of nutrition they contain,” Baidu CEO Robin Li said in a speech Wednesday.

The product is currently not yet available to the general public, Baidu said.

 

TIME

IKEA Channels Apple in a Hilarious Ad for Its New Catalog ‘Bookbook’

The coolest, sleekest new gadget on the market

There’s a reason the items you see in an IKEA catalog look so ridiculously appealing — it’s because the Swedish furniture chain uses 3D rendering technology to create digital models of the products.

To play on the fact that browsing an IKEA catalog is a sort of holistic sensory experience, the company has created this clever new ad, which skewers Apple’s notoriously over-the-top product commercials. The result is hilarious, and the jokes really just write themselves.

“The 2015 IKEA catalog comes fully charged, and the battery is eternal,” says an exec named Jörgen Eghammer, also known as Chief Design Guru. He explains that this catalog is not a digital book or an e-book, but a bookbook. “The navigation is based on tactile touch technology that you can actually feel,” he adds.

We’ve seen plenty of good Apple commercial parodies before, but IKEA definitely gets major points for this promo.

TIME viral

None of Us Will Ever Know Joy Like This Pug Playing in a Ball Pit

He completely loses his mind — in the best way

Things are looking pretty good for Grover the pug right now. His humans graciously filled his playpen with a bunch of plastic balls and all his favorite toys and then hung back to see what would happen. Well, Grover was really excited about it. Like, completely over the moon.

Once you’re done watching Grover romp around his ball pit, be sure to check out this compilation of him yawning while wearing adorable sweaters.

Oh, Grover. To me, you are perfect.

MORE: Man Proposes With 16 Pugs Wearing Heart-Shaped Balloons

TIME viral

Watch a 7-Week-Old Baby Hear Mom’s Voice For The First Time After Getting Hearing Aids

The miracle of life meets the miracle of hearing

This video reveals the emotional moment when a seven-week-old baby hears his parents’ voices for the first time after getting hearing aids.

Diagnosed with moderate-to-severe hearing loss in both ears at birth, the little boy named Lachlan looks unhappy to have something shoved into his ear canal. But when his mother and father, Michelle and Toby Lever of Victoria, Australia, start talking to him, his eyes widen and a giant smile spreads across his face.

While this YouTube video is dated August 31, 2014, the moment happened back in July 2012, and is just starting to go viral now. A Facebook video that mom Michelle Lever posted on November 18, 2012, now boasts nearly 300,000 “likes” and has been shared 440,000 times.

Lachlan, now two years old, has worked with therapists at Taralye “the oral language centre for deaf children,” in Blackburn Victoria. Michelle Lever told Daily Mail Australia that she hopes the video, by going viral, will reassure parents in similar situations: “I want them to realise that there is a lot of support and help available to them.”

WATCH: Boy Hears His Dad’s Voice for First Time

MORE: Science Gave My Son the Gift of Sound

TIME viral

ALS Ice Bucket Challenge Takes Place in North Korea

ALS Ice Bucket Challenge North Korea Pras Michel
Wong Maye-E—Associated Press Two-time Grammy award winning rapper and a founding member of the Fugees, Pras Michel, gets doused by his friends for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, Sunday, Aug. 31, 2014 in Pyongyang, North Korea.

Almost no one in North Korea—where the average person can't access Internet—knows what it is

Internet access in North Korea may be limited to “super-elites,” but that hasn’t stopped the viral ALS Ice Bucket Challenge from penetrating the Hermit Kingdom.

Two-time Grammy-winning rapper Pras Michel completed the challenge along Pyongyang’s Taedong River last week, while many North Koreans, unaware of the challenge, looked on with confusion, surprise and laughter, according to the Associated Press. Michel, a founding member of the hip-hop group Fugees, said he passed on the challenge to four people, including former Fugees bandmate Lauryn Hill and Prince Harry.

Michel, who was in Pyongyang to watch a pro wrestling exhibition, said he’d decided that completing the challenge in North Korea would put a unique spin on his take.

“I thought I’d put a little twist to it,” he told AP. “When we go to places, my crew, we stick out. You can tell instantly these guys aren’t from this neck of the woods. But the people have been good to us.”

Donations from the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge topped $100 million last week.

TIME viral

Video Captures Moment When a Mom with Alzheimer’s Remembers Who Her Daughter Is

"I love you," she says

The task of caring for an aging parent is never easy, but it’s made even more difficult when Alzheimer’s has robbed them of the ability to remember who you are, let alone your name. Days or weeks can pass when children are nothing more than gentle strangers to their parents, until up from the fog floats a moment of lucidity.

Georgia resident Kelly Gunderson has been caring for her 87-year-old mother, Daphne Tresher, who Gunderson says has Alzheimer’s disease. To pass the time and document the experience, Gunderson has been making videos with her mother and had the cameras rolling when out of the blue, Tresher remembered her daughter’s name.

“I had been taping her, just asking her questions or singing, ‘Jesus Loves Me,’” Gunderson told Today.com. “That morning, I was just lying in bed with her, and we were just talking, and I decided to do a selfie video.”

In bed with her mother, Gunderson asked her if she knew who she was. That’s when Tresher surprised her daughter by saying, “Kelly.” In the video, the one-word answer caused Gunderson to lift her head from her pillow in surprise. The cameras captured the sweet and fleeting family moment as Tresher says, “Well, I love you, Kelly,” and Gunderson smiles, “I love you, Mama.”

MORE: Low Vitamin D Increases Risk for Dementia and Alzheimer’s, Study Says

MORE: Here’s Why Scientists Are Tripping Elderly People on Purpose

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