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What You Wish You Could Give Dad on Father's Day -- But Shouldn't

Jun 12, 2014

Father's Day is an excellent opportunity to give your pops something he'll really love. And, like all gift-giving holidays, it's also a great chance to send him not-so-subtle messages about his lifestyle and habits via passive-aggressive presents.

This might sound like a funny prank, but be warned: While you may wish to give such gifts, it is not advisable to do so. Handing Dad a cheeky present is all fun and games until he turns the table on you. And make no mistake, he will.

When he does, you better brace yourself (especially millennials out there) because he has more ammo than you can possibly imagine. By the time Dad was your age, he'd already moved out of his parents' home, got a first job (maybe even started a business), found a partner, and had a child or three. He's the spitting image of the American dream—he's bullet proof! You? Maybe not so much. Your latest brilliant idea involves buying your dad snarky presents on the day established in his honor. So if you go this route, don't be surprised when your birthday present from dad is an all-expenses-paid trip to boot camp, a job search guide, or "How to Get Married Before It's Too Late." Remember: You started this.

So you probably shouldn't go there. But if you were to do so, here are some ideas.

Protein Powder and Fitness Magazines

A huge tub of whey and a subscription to Muscle and Fitness might be a great gift for a dad who's already extremely into working out, but could seem a little sarcastic if your father's workout routine consist of one sit-up per day (when he gets out of bed). Another, more covert option? A Fitbit or other wearable fitness gadget. Everyone loves new toys, and dad will be forced to go outside for a while in order to play with this one.

Anti-Snoring Gift Box

If you really want to make your point about Dad's power to wake the entire house with one deep unconscious inhale, be sure to give dad a real sampling of anti-snoring products. That means anti-snoring spray, anti-snoring nasal strips, an anti-snoring pillow, and my favorite: an anti-snoring jaw strap. Who cares that many snore stopping products might not actually work? As the Joker said, it's about sending a message. Put them all in a pretty basket, with a bow on top. Dads always appreciate good presentation.

Soap

For whatever reason, giving nice soap (as opposed to other personal hygiene products like toothpaste or shaving cream) is actually pretty standard Father's Day fare. This is good because you can achieve your objective—more, or at least better, bathing by the old man—without causing offense. Well, not too-too much offense. The standard route is an organic soap sampler, but if you're interested in giving the clearest possible hint, it's hard to beat a single bar of Dove in an otherwise empty box.

Cooking Lessons

The offensiveness of cooking lessons really depends on how hard everyone else in the family laughs during the reveal. If it's more of an "ahhhhh" reaction with lots of head nodding (and maybe a few snickers), then you're all clear. If everyone spits out their soup guffawing over dad making anything other than reheated Mac N' Cheese, then your message will get through. But don't expect any gifts from dad next Christmas. Or ever.

Hearing Aid

There's no subtlety here. This is something many fathers need but do not actually want because it suggests they're getting a littttttle over the hill. However, if you'd like to avoid yelling whenever pops is in the room, you might just have to force the issue. Before you do, though, consider this: Does your dad actually want to hear everyone's dinner-table squabbling at family gatherings?

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