TIME Television

The Bachelorette Recap: Amy Schumer and Laila Ali Help Kaitlyn Find Love

Someone is not here to make friends

Welcome back to The Bachelorette. Now that a winner has emerged from the Thunderdome of Love, and the show has a star (Hello Kaitlyn! So long Britt!), and she has started to get Darwinian on the herd of troglodytes with stars in their eyes, cutting out the weak, the feeble, the Britt lovers and the horrifying drunken rape aspirant, she is ready to start on her journey to find love. But before she can take the first tentative step, Kaitlyn must sit down for her first tête-à-tête with Chris Harrison. In their chat, he points out that she kissed a bunch of guys already, which sounds like the tsk tsk of a slightly disappointed cool dad, but she shrugs it off. Then she asks after Britt, who was sent home without a single rose.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

Britt Update: Speaking of the devil (the devil is any woman who sleeps in full makeup, apparently) Britt is in her hotel room calling her mommy. She sits on the bed (with her shoes on) and cries until there is a knock on the door. It’s Brady. He gives her a big hug. and they sit down to get to know each other.

First Group Date: For the very first date, Kaitlyn invites Daniel the fashion designer, Justin, Jared the restaurant manager with the asymmetrical haircut, Corey, Kupah, both Bens and an affable-looking guy named Tanner to some secret rendezvous that the Date Card promises will end “with a ring.” That makes the men start sweating before they even get to the boxing gym where Laila Ali awaits to school them in the sweet science. The only reason to have a boxing date is because of the marriage-analogy possibilities. To wit, Kaitlyn wants a man who will fight for her, and Laila Ali adds that “boxing is a lot like relationships,” because it takes commitment and passion and determination. After getting taped up, working with a trainer for at least seven minutes, and hitting the heavy bag once or twice, the men are sent into a boxing ring to battle it out for Kaitlyn’s heart. Don’t worry, they are wearing protective head gear, so what could possibly go wrong? The main event pits 160-lb. Jared against Ben Z., a 200-lb. monster, which results in Jared getting clobbered in the first four seconds of the round. Don’t worry, Jared, many journeys to love start with a head injury.

The After Party: Jared can’t see straight and is sent to the hospital for an MRI and medical monitoring, which ruins his chance to have some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn. Luckily she doesn’t really notice, because she is otherwise occupied with Ben Z., the winner who has fists of iron, a heart of gold and a back story that will melt stone. (His mother passed away when he was a teenager, and he had to grow up fast. Awwww.) While Kaitlyn is talking to some other guy (Daniel? A different Ben?), she gets a note from a mysterious suitor that tells her to come downstairs right that second. She does and finds Jared. While the producers won’t let him join the part, because they are contractually obligated to follow doctors’ orders to go to home and rest, they will help him woo Kaitlyn downstairs so she can kiss his boo-boos. So they make out on the street. She still gives the Group Date Rose to Ben Z., though.

One-on-One Date: For her first solo date as the Bachelorette, Kaitlyn decided to head out with Clint, the architectural engineer who surprised her with a picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops. That behavior needs to be rewarded after all. Rewarded with what you say? An underwater photo shoot of course, which might be the first time any couple on the show has been in the pool fully dressed. As the photographer encourages them to open themselves up to the universe and love, always love, they take a few fully dressed dips into the pool. Then Kaitlyn has her first-ever first kiss underwater, followed by a bunch of kisses above water. Later, they toast each other over dinner and kiss on a rooftop, which according to Kaitlyn is “next level,” literally.

Second Group Date: In the second date card, Kaitlyn says she wants someone to “stand up” for her. Because she loves a guy with a sense of humor, she invites JJ, Jonathan, Chris, Ian, Joe and Tony to do some amateur comedy with Amy Schumer stepping in as their spirit guide. To help whip the men into shape before their sets, Amy brings in Nikki Glaser, Rachel Feinstein and Bridget Everett (Google them!) and a whole lot of wine. Amy works with JJ, who she dubs a sweetheart who is “just missing charisma and humility and sense of humor.” He really wants to impress Kaitlyn, but also Amy, because he has always wanted to be a standup comedian. It doesn’t go very well. Sample conversation: “Hi, I’m JJ, I’m divorced with a kid, and I live with my parents.” “Is that true?” “That’s totally true.” (Amy drinks her wine silently.) Luckily Tony is ready to be Tony, and he has been training for that all of his life. Sadly we didn’t get Amy’s insights on Tony being Tony.

The After Party: Tony was really into Britt, but now he’s really into Kaitlyn, because now he and Kaitlyn have connected. He has figured out that she is a “combination lock,” and he is learning her secrets. Kaitlyn wisely doesn’t make out with him. She does make out with JJ, though. (Don’t tell Amy Schumer, who would probably be very disappointed.) But he talked about his daughter, and Kaitlyn got all mushy inside and was powerless to resist. She even handed JJ the Date Rose.

The Rose Ceremony: Kaitlyn welcomes the men and is immediately swept out the door by JJ, which is a ballsy move, but also a big faux pas because he already has a rose. The men are not pleased.

Bachelorette Milestone: As all the men glare at him, JJ announces that he is not here to make friends.

The Rose Ceremony (Continued): While JJ crows about his self-anointed frontrunner status, Ian finally gets to tell Kaitlyn that he went to Princeton — and that he was hit by a car and almost never walked again. As JJ tries to bait Tony into outing himself as a loon. Meanwhile Kupah flat-out tells the camera that he has no interest in being here at all if he’s filling out a quota, which is about as honest as this show has ever been about race. When he goes to talk to Kaitlyn he sticks his foot in his mouth and says he hasn’t felt a connection with her yet, which throws Kaitlyn for a loop, because she did feel a connection with him — until tonight. Kupah tries to backtrack, but he can’t get himself out of the hole. Eventually Kaitlyn lets him go. He doesn’t accept, but she lets him go anyway. The drama really picks up when he heads out to the driveway for his exit interview and gets very animated. Kaitlyn goes outside to investigate, but we won’t find out what happens until next week.

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Drama! Kaitlyn standing outside watching the drama!

TIME Television

Rumer Willis on Her Dancing with the Stars Win: ‘I Had the Time of My Life’

Craig Sjodin—ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS - RUMER WILLIS AND VALENTIN CHMERKOVSKIY - The 10th anniversary celebrity cast of "Dancing with the Stars" is strapping on their ballroom shoes and getting ready for their first dance on MONDAY, MARCH 16 (8:00-10:01 p.m., ET) on the ABC Television Network. Rumer Willis is partnered with Valentin Chmerkovskiy. (ABC/Craig Sjodin)

Willis heads out with her partner, Val Chmerkovskiy, on the Dancing With the Stars tour

After over three months of competition, Rumer Willis and Val Chmerkovskiy won Dancing with the Stars on Tuesday night, besting Noah Galloway and Riker Lynch for the victory. “It was incredible,” Chmerkovskiy tells TIME. It was his fourth time to the final round of the competitive reality show, but the first time he won the show’s gaudy Mirror Ball trophy. “I had been waiting for this moment for a very long time,” he says.

While Chmerkovskiy’s victory was a long time coming, one thing he wasn’t expecting was the actual weight of the trophy. “It’s pretty heavy,” says Willis. “We weighed it and it’s about 25 pounds!”

“It doesn’t sound like much, but in the middle of the celebration, they hand you this 25 pound rock,” Chmerkovskiy laughs. “I thought the trophy was going to be lighter. I had all these plans to wave it over my head, but no.”

As for where to store that heavy Mirror Ball, they have different approaches. “I haven’t found a great spot for it yet,” says Willis. “I’m treating my trophy like the Stanley Cup,” says Chmerkovskiy. “I’m taking it everywhere with me. All my friends are in New York, so I have it with me now on a trophy tour.”

As to how they won those trophies, they agree that it was all thanks to the fans. “We had a great group of fans who supported us from the beginning, and they are the reason we won,” says Willis. “They were out there every week voting for us and gathering support. It was awesome.” Willis’s Hollywood lineage and support system didn’t hurt in getting out the votes, either. Her parents—Bruce Willis and Demi Moore—were fixtures in the audience of the show and Willis’s friends like Miley Cyrus, Courtney Love, Zendaya, and even Moore’s ex, Ashton Kutcher, were all tweeting their support for the star during the course of the competition. After she won, so many people called and texted to congratulate her, her phone broke. “It just died,” laughs Willis. “I had to get it fixed in New York.”

While Willis was hesitant to comment on her famous friends, Chmerkovskiy thought it was great to have such well-known supporters. “For me it was incredible to experience that,” he says. “But to be completely honest, it was the anonymous fans, who aren’t famous, who spend their entire season making fan art, and voting for us—those people mean so much to us.”

After the rigors of the competition, the duo hasn’t had much of a chance to take some time off yet. “We had to get on a plane to New York and head straight to Good Morning America and The View,” says Willis. “Now I think we’re going to take a little break.”

The whirlwind of events means that the reality of having won—and the realization that the show and its time commitment are over—hasn’t quite set in yet. “It’s still a little hard to grasp it. It feels really surreal,” says Willis. “I don’t think people realize how unusual the whole process is,” says Chmerkovskiy. “You get together, strangers, and from that moment on you spend every single day together for the next three months. And then overnight, it’s over. It’s very surreal. It’s going to take time to adjust to regular life. I’m going on tour. My dancing doesn’t stop, but she’s taking a slow and steady descent from Dancing with the Stars.

Not that Willis is done dancing. “I’m going to do a couple of dates with the Dancing with the Stars tour, which I’m really excited about,” she says. “I’m also going to be in a show that Val is putting together with his family called Sway, which I’m really excited about. It’s going to be in New York on June 5 and 6 at the Hammerstein Ballroom.”

“Now that we’ve won, I can’t wait to do this tour,” says Chmerkovskiy. “The [Dancing with the Stars] tour is a great way to meet the fans. We have 60 shows in 40 cities and I’m really excited, because these are the people who supported me on the show and support the show in general.”

While Willis wants to focus on her singing—not dancing—career (she and Chmerkovskiy danced to her cover of Britney Spears’s “Toxic” during the finale), she says she loved her time on Dancing with the Stars. “I think the whole experience was really special. It’s an incredible journey. I don’t think you can describe what an intense and unique experience it is,” says Willis. “I had the time of my life.”

TIME Viral Videos

Watch Martin Short Hit The Streets With Billy Eichner

A special 'Billy on the Street' for Red Nose Day

You can’t say that Martin Short didn’t try to do his part to raise money for Red Nose Day. The comedy legend hit the sidewalks of Manhattan with Billy Eichner for a special episode of Billy on the Street, but unfortunately very few people were willing to cough up some cash for the charity.

In the video, which was part of NBC’s imported fundraiser, Red Nose Day, Eichner escorted Short through the city. While normally Eichner will give people a dollar if they recognize David Letterman, plan to watch the Emmy Awards, sing with Amy Poehler, or promise to sleep with Paul Rudd, for this video, Eichner asked for cash for a good cause.

While some people might consider it an honor to have Eichner yell at them, others seemed intimidated by the entourage of a yelling Eichner, Short, and a cameraman. Others simply refused to believe that Short was actually the Martin Short and wouldn’t make a donation to an imposter.


TIME Television

A Gilmore Girls Reunion Could Be Heading Our Way

Gilmore Girls
Warner Bros./Getty Images Lauren Graham as Lorelai and Alexis Bledel as Rory in Gilmore Girls

Scott Patterson just hinted that dreams may come true in Stars Hollow

Scott Patterson a.k.a. Luke Danes, a.k.a. Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong depending on your feelings about Lorelei’s relationships, just dropped some serious hints about a possible Gilmore Girls reunion.

Patterson stopped by the Gilmore Guys podcast and hinted that fans might soon get to see a cast reunion from the beloved show. “I will say this, there are talks going on at the moment,” Patterson said, before clamming up. “I can’t really go into any details, but there is some activity. I’m hopeful, and I’m in. I think it would be a big event, and I think it would be a great fan celebration.”

Did Patterson mean that Rory (Alexis Bledel) and Lorelei (Lauren Graham) would be heading back to Stars Hollow? Or was Patterson just reminding fans that the cast will be reuniting next month at the ATX Television Festival in Texas? It will be a big reunion with Patterson, Graham, Bledel expected to be joined by Kelly Bishop, Danny Strong, Todd Lowe, Jackson Douglas, Matt Czuchry and more. Also on hand will be Jared Padelecki, who played Dean. (In the podcast, Patterson revealed that he is firmly on Team Dean, even though he played the uncle of rival love interest Jess on the show.)

To fully parse Patterson’s statements for clues, listen to his full interview on the podcast on iTunes.

TIME Viral Videos

Watch The Kardashians and The Real Housewives Get the Bad Lip Reading Treatment

Thank Red Nose Day for this

Kourtney Kardashian really wants to share her fish sticks with her sister, Kim. At least according to a bad lip reading of their conversation courtesy of Red Nose Day. Of course they weren’t the only members of the Keeping Up With the Kardashian crew saying strange things in the clip above.

“I put weird stuff in my ear,” “said” Bruce Jenner, according to the expert lip readers used in the video. “Like what?” asked Kris Jenner. “Like Doritos,” Bruce Jenner replied. “That’s where you put it,” Kris replied matter-of-factly.

Other highlights of the poorly interpreted conversations include Real Housewives stars NeNe Leakes, Kim Richards, and more talking nonsense (well, more nonsense than usual).

It’s all good fun for a good cause. Specifically, Red Nose Day a fundraising event that just debuted in the United States, decades after it launched in the U.K. in 1985. The special, which aired on NBC on Thursday, also featured the likes of Julia Roberts, Will Ferrell, Jennifer Aniston, Reese Witherspoon, Jodie Foster, Jimmy Fallon, Neil Patrick Harris, Coldplay, Julianne Moore and the cast of Game of Thrones. And, of course, The Real Housewives.

TIME Television

Is The Bachelorette Already Slut-Shaming Kaitlyn Bristowe?

A promo for the upcoming season suggests a double standard is still at play


At the end of this week’s season premiere of The Bachelorette, the producers gave a sneak peak at all the drama to come in the new season of the show. In the promo, the producers document newly-minted Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe’s fairytale journey to find love complete with canoeing, celebrity guest appearances (hi Amy Schumer!) and sumo wrestling. It’s all rose petals and romance—until around the 1:30 mark, when things get darker. The men start to get jealous watching Kaitlyn kiss other beaus. Not helping the situation is the return of Nick Viall, a finalist from Andi Dorfman’s season, who’s been vocal about his feelings about pre-marital sex. (In case you missed it: He deemed Andi’s decision to have sex with him in the Fantasy Suite “not appropriate.”)

Kaitlyn seems to shrug it off, though, saying: “If the physical part of a relationship isn’t there for me, that is a deal breaker.” Fair enough—that’s how most of the world functions when it comes to romance. As emotions rise, one man soothes his friend’s feelings, “It’s just kissing.” And it is just kissing—until suddenly, it’s not. The lights go out, there’s the sound of heavy breathing, and it becomes clear that an adult woman on a dating reality show had sex. Cut to a picture of a crying Kaitlyn.

In the video, Kaitlyn clearly states that she’s not a bad person and she’s not ashamed of herself. So why does it seem like the producers want to make her look like she is? The next few minutes of the promo are just Kaitlyn crying, curling up in a ball, hiding her face and then admitting her actions to the other men for public pillorying. The men are shocked. One stalks off: “Don’t talk to me!”

Let’s get real: This is not the first time that someone has had sex on this show. The show’s “journey to love” culminates in three back-to-back overnight dates in a Fantasy Suite. We all know what happens there, even if it’s not documented for the camera. This isn’t even the first time that someone has had sex outside of the Fantasy Suites. Remember Courtney’s and Ben’s tryst in the ocean? Or Clare and Juan Pablo? Bachelor Bob Guiney supposedly had sex with at least five different women on his season. Host Chris Harrison low-balled that 67% of couples have sex on the show. Despite that, Courtney is still considered a villain; Clare was blasted on blogs and Twitter for her night with Juan Pablo.

But, of course, those infamous encounters all took place on The Bachelor, not The Bachelorette. Does the show have a double standard when it comes to the perception of its Bachelorette? Maybe. Bachelorette Andi Dorfman certainly got her share of slut-shaming after her Fantasy Suite encounter with Nick Viall came up on After the Final Rose. (To her credit, Andi was having none of it.) Based on the promo, it seems like Kaitlyn is in for similar treatment. Some viewers definitely thought so; many took to Twitter to express their dismay over the producers’ perceived slut-shaming of Kaitlyn.

“I made a mistake. That doesn’t mean I’m a bad person,” Kaitlyn wails in the video. Let’s hope the producers remember that this season.

TIME Television

Watch Justin Bieber Sing Car Karaoke with James Corden

The Bieb also revealed how many times he wears his underwear in a row

While you were still crying over David Letterman’s late night departure, James Corden was asking Justin Bieber if he ever makes love to his own music. While the answer to that was a sad no, there were some other interesting revelations on Wednesday night’s Late Late Show.

In the clip, Corden and Bieber drive around Los Angeles, shouting out to fans on the street and singing along to Bieber’s hit songs “Baby” and “Where Are U Now.” In between all the singing and seat dancing, Corden managed to get some dirt on the singer, like the fact that he only wears underwear once before throwing it out. (As a Calvin Klein model, perhaps he feels he has to do his part to keep the company in business?) Bieber also showed off his impressive skills with a Rubik’s Cube, which has to be seen to be beliebed.

TIME Television

Watch Jamie Foxx Play Wheel of Musical Impressions With Jimmy Fallon

His take on Jennifer Hudson singing "On Top Of Spaghetti" is truly something


Jimmy Fallon made the most of having a multi-hyphenate talent on his show when actor-singer-comedian Jamie Foxx stopped by The Tonight Show Tuesday night. Fallon challenged Foxx to a game called “Wheel of Musical Impressions,” where each person is assigned a random singer and nontraditional song at the push of a button.

Foxx started strong with his version of Mick Jagger singing The Lion King‘s “Hakuna Matata,” complete with, ahem, moves like Jagger. Fallon came back by giving Barney the Purple Dinosaur’s “I Love You” the Bee Gees treatment.

But Foxx won the night with his impressive takes on John Legend singing the Toys ‘R’ Us theme song and Jennifer Hudson warbling “On Top Of Spaghetti,” which must be heard to be believed.

TIME Television

Dancing With the Stars Finale: And the Winner Is …

Sia, Jason Derulo and Fifth Harmony helped fill the two-hour broadcast

It’s time start the music, it’s time to light the lights, it’s time to get things started and hand the Mirror Ball Trophy to someone tonight! It’s the finale of Dancing With the Stars, and we aren’t leaving until the last piece of confetti has drifted to the ballroom floor and someone takes that trophy home to sit on their mantelpiece and impress their friends and Girl Scout troops and dog walkers forever.

The crop of stars who populated the 20th season of the perennial competitive reality TV classic has been winnowed down to just three finalists — noted celebrity daughter Rumer Willis, decorated Iraq War veteran Noah Galloway and pirate enthusiast Riker Lynch. Tonight all of them will leave with glitter stuck in their hair, but only one will leave the ballroom with a Mirror Ball.

Here’s what happened on Dancing With the Stars:

The Big Open: To make sure that the show’s grand finale is distinct from every other night, the opening number was set on a stage outside. Choreographed by Mandy Moore (no, the other Mandy Moore) it was a big splashy routine that featured Derek back in dancing form. (Little late, Derek!)

Repeat Performance: To kick off the show, Twitter voted and decided they wanted to see a repeat of Riker and Allison’s swinging jazzy freestyle. It’s always fun to watch the repeat performances, because with voting over and the judges no longer weighing in, the dancers loosen up and actually have fun.

Redfoo and Emma Slater: Remember when LMFAO’s Redfoo was on the show? While he got kicked off the first week of the competition, he was invited back to perform a song that was not “Party Rock,” but something called “Juicy Wiggle.” The best part of the song was everybody pretending that grown people dancing to a song called “Juicy Wiggle” was a normal way to pass an evening.

Charlotte McKinney and Keo Motsepe: It was easy to forget that the model from the racy Carl’s Jr. Super Bowl ad was ever on the show, but she was and she returned to drag us all down memory lane with her dance to Katy Perry’s “California Gurls.” The best part of the routine was still Sasha Farber dressed as a crabby crab.

Sadie Robertson and Alfonso Ribeiro: The Duck Dynasty scion and the Fresh Prince star teamed up for a quick routine, but the big surprise came when Tom Bergeron announced that Alfonso would be taking over for him as the host of America’s Funniest Home Videos. His one piece of advice for the incoming host? “Wear a cup.”

Suzanne Somers and Tony Dovolani: The dynamic duo reprised their performance of “Copacabana.” There’s not much else to say about it.

Jason Derulo, Fifth Harmony and Patti LaBelle: Jason Derulo and Fifth Harmony stopped by the show to help kill time. Wasn’t that nice of them? Derulo sang his new single, “Want to Want Me,” while Fifth Harmony performed their new classic “Worth It.” While Patti LaBelle was contractually obligated to be on set for the finale, she was kind enough to sing her song “2 Steps Away.”

Amy Purdy, Derek Hough, Noah Galloway and Sharna Burgess: Amy Purdy, the Paralympian who lost her legs after a bout of meningitis, returned to the Dancing With the Stars set for a performance with Noah, who lost an arm and a leg in war. It was a shining example of the amazing resilience of the human spirit and body, and the desire to perform.

Chris Soules and Witney Carson: The Bachelor star repeated their Footloose performance, because he is heading back to the farm soon and needs to remember what small-town life is like.

Nastia Liukin, Derek Hough and Sasha Farber: Andy Grammer returned to the show to help Nastia Sasha, and Derek reprise their greatest hit, which was set on a subway car and soundtracked by Grammer’s “Honey, I’m Good.” It holds up as one of the best routines of the season.

Willow Shields and Mark Ballas: Despite the fact that Mark couldn’t breathe in his White Rabbit mask, he and Willow did a repeat performance of their fun yet slightly creepy Alice in Wonderland–themed dance. And once again, Mark managed not to pass out.

The Best Routine of the Night: While the glitz and rhinestones and Spanx and props are fun, Dancing With the Stars occasionally has moments of pure genius. Last night, noted dance enthusiast Sia stopped by the show to perform her track “Elastic Heart.” To accompany the song, Derek and Julianne Hough paired up for a dramatic routine. They were joined by two young dancers playing younger versions of the siblings in a staggering side-by-side performance that is well worth Googling. Really.

Patti LaBelle and Artem Chigvintsev: Obviously Patti and Artem had to go back to the club, because Patti LaBelle dancing the salsa to 50 Cent’s “In Da Club” was the highlight of the season, if not the series.

Noah and Sharna: For their final performance, Noah and Sharna did a fusion of the cha-cha and the Argentine tango to Cash Cash’s “Surrender.” At the end of the routine, Len Goodman told Noah, “You’ve given so much for America, why shouldn’t America give you the Mirror Ball?” Julianne called him a warrior, Carrie Ann Inaba said he changed lives forever, and Bruno Tonioli intoned, “You are legend.” Guess they liked it? 36/40

Riker and Allison: Considering they set their final performance to MKTO’s “Classic,” Riker’s and Allison’s fusion of salsa and the quickstep was anything but. The judges were thrilled by the results. Bruno called him a “unique and outstanding talent” and a “powerhouse performer.” Not to be outdone, Carrie Ann called him “a superstar.” Len won though by calling him “the boy who brings joy,” even though he admitted he didn’t always like his “wild and wacky” style of dancing. 40/40

Rumer and Val: This pair manages to make a foxtrot and paso doble fusion seem effortless and natural. Carrie Ann thinks they saved the best for last. Len, who prefaces his statement by saying that he is always honest, says, “You are as good as anyone who has been on Dancing With the Stars.” Julianne takes a page out of Jack Nicholson’s 1993 film As Good As It Gets, tells Rumer that she makes her want to be a better dancer. 40/40

In Third Place: Noah and Sharna. Noah told Erin Andrews that he thought he was going to last three weeks and ended up in third place and he is seemingly very happy with that result.

And the Winner Is… Rumer and Val! Not only is this a big win for Rumer, but after three times in the finals, this is Val’s first victory.


TIME Television

The Bachelorette Recap: America, This Is Your Bachelorette

Someone is crying in a limo tonight

After last night’s dramatic, drunken and degrading episode, The Bachelorette season premiere continues. Yesterday, the men all put their roses in either Kaitlyn’s or Britt’s box and chose their woman. Tonight the votes are tallied, and one of these women will be named Bachelorette, and the other will go home crying in a limo (again). Let’s get on with the drama.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

The Bachelorette Is: When the show starts, Chris Harrison does not beat around the bush, he makes a beeline for Britt and immediately informs her in the most circumspect way possible that she is not the Bachelorette. She lets it sink in for a bit before thanking him for the opportunity. Then he walks her out, gives her a big hug and sends her on her away for her second sad sack limo ride. She has no qualms about crying her eyes out in the limo (again) and doubting all her life choices (again) and convincing herself that she will ever find love (again). Never forget that after years of Bachelor finales, Chris is well trained in the art of vagueness, so it should come as no surprise that he told Kaitlyn of her victory like so: “Unfortunately, Kaitlyn,” he began, she starts nodding and crying accepting defeat, before he finishes, “I had to send Britt home.” To her credit, Kaitlyn asked if Britt was O.K. Chris assured her that she was a bit shocked, but otherwise fine. As Kaitlyn takes a minute to hyperventilate. Chris is right there for her, not helping. He tells her she’s the Bachelorette, which makes her hyperventilate more, and then he reminds her that she has to stop hyperventilating because she has a Rose Ceremony to oversee, which makes her both hyperventilate and swear. (They could overdub the swearing, but the heavy breathing was there to stay.) Chris then leaves so she can pull herself together and call her mother and try not puke simultaneously. Her mother unhelpfully tells her to get out there and find her a son in law. No pressure!

The Big Reveal: Chris Harrison walks into a room full of men (and probably the smell of sweat and musk, after all that time trying to stake their claim to a woman [insert caveman chest thump]). Chris tells them that their rose votes have been counted, and a new Bachelorette has been chosen. Kaitlyn walks in and the men leap to their feet, cheering.

The Official Meet and Greet: While Kaitlyn had met all of the men earlier in the evening, she had to share that time with Britt. With Britt safely crying in her limo, Kaitlyn gets to sift through her sloppy seconds, brush off all of Britt’s cooties, and start over. To help her on her journey is the First Impression Rose. (Yes, grammarians, that’s a proper noun.)

The Menfolk and Their Feelings: Some of the men are thrilled that Kaitlyn is the woman they will be pursuing. People like Joshua the welder who gave her a steel rose, which sounds like something out of a Poison song. And Ian, who is thrilled it’s her, but forgot to bring her any presents. Then there are the men who were solidly Team Britt and have to re-evaluate their feelings. You can see the little cogs in their heads shifting and changing directions and reassessing Kaitlyn’s attractiveness levels. Like Tony the healer, who is having a hard time transitioning his energies from Britt to Kaitlyn, even though he originally wanted to vote for Kaitlyn. He’s a flip-flopper! Healer, heal thyself. Jared makes the brave choice to tell Kaitlyn that he put his rose in the box for Britt, but is totally willing to try putting his rose in her box too. Brady the singer-songwriter doesn’t know what to do with all his feelings for Britt. Maybe write a song for her?

Bachelorette Milestone: First kiss! During their first real interaction, Chris the dentist boldly went where no man on the show had gone before, and Kaitlyn let him. Naturally all the men watched the make-out session from inside the house.

The First Impression Rose: Kaitlyn had her eye on Shawn the personal trainer from the moment he stepped out of the limo. So it’s only fitting that despite the fact that she kissed Chris, that she give Shawn the First Impression Rose. Then they kiss, because that’s what you do when you are trying to find a husband on national television … or in real life.

The Rose Ceremony, Part I: The first name Kaitlyn calls at her very first Rose Ceremony is Chris, the dentist she kissed. He’s followed into rose-holding bliss by Ben H. a software salesman from Denver, with JJ, a banker, also from Denver, rounding out the top three. Then came Joe, Kupah, Daniel the fashion designer, Ryan B. (a.k.a. the only Ryan left), Joshua, the welder, Tony the healer and … hold that thought.

The Drama: Brady the singer songwriter stops the ceremony. He needs to talk to Kaitlyn. As all the men stare in shock (shock!) that this could be happening, Brady takes Kaitlyn outside and tells her that he is leaving. He has real(ish) feelings for Britt and needs to follow his heart. Or at least write a song about it later. Kaitlyn shrugs, and he heads off into the sunset.

The Other Drama: As Kaitlyn talks to Brady, it turns out that all the men all seem to know who voted for Britt and who voted for Kaitlyn. The longtime Kaitlyn boosters already have it out for the Team Britt men, vowing revenge if they are sent home early. It’s like the Chicago political machine, but with more hair gel and fewer wire taps.

Rose Ceremony, Part II: With Brady on his way out the door and the ceremony back under way, Clint accepts Kaitlyn’s rose, then there’s a Tanner, a Corey (or maybe a Cory?), an Ian, another Ben, a Justin and someone else maybe? They all blur together into an attractive mix of straight teeth and aftershave. The final rose of the evening went to Jared, because he was honest.

Biggest Mistake: The man who rolled up in a Hot Tub Car got cut in the first round. He deserved better!

Best Reason to Tune In This Season: This season of The Bachelorette goes where no season of The Bachelorette (or for that matter The Bachelor) has gone before.

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