TIME Television

Chris Soules Finds His Field of Dreams in the New Bachelor Promo

It's corny alright.

A few months ago, Chris Soules planted the seed that he wanted to be the new star of The Bachelor. ABC agreed that the gentleman-farmer could use the show to look for love and try to lure women to live with him in Iowa. Now comes an early glimpse of the farmer reaping what he’s sown.

In the promo, Soules gets in touch with his inner Kevin Costner and wanders through a green cornfield. He is soon joined by dozens of disembodied voices of the eager young women more than happy to elbow each other out of the way in the hopes of planting themselves in Iowa on the arm of a charming farmer. The result is more Children of the Corn than Field of Dreams, but one thing is for sure, this season of The Bachelor will bring a bumper crop of corn.

The new season of The Bachelor premieres on ABC on Monday, Jan. 5 at 8 p.m. ET.

TIME Television

Watch John Oliver Fire a Salmon Cannon at Jon Stewart, Kelly Ripa and Homer Simpson

It was like shooting fish out of a barrel

John Oliver went on a rampage during this season’s final episode of Last Week Tonight, but it wasn’t just with strong words for state legislatures or dogs dressed as U.S. Supreme Court justices or Michael Bloomberg‘s .nyc web address shopping spree.

This time, though, he was armed … with a salmon cannon.

After watching a news clip showing a salmon cannon in action helping fish return to their spawning grounds, Oliver was inspired to buy his own and try it at home. He then took a page out of Lew Zealand’s playbook and started throwing fish. He started by chucking one at the face of his former The Daily Show co-worker Jon Stewart, then Jimmy Fallon got one and then he went wild spraying salmon at everyone from Kelly Ripa to Anderson Cooper to Meredith Grey mid-operation on Grey’s Anatomy, hitting an actress mid-dramatic break up on a CBS soap and even burying Homer Simpson in the flying fish.

It’s a fish-throwing feat that is possibly the best thing to ever happen to Grey’s Anatomy.

TIME Television

Watch John Oliver Win the Lottery Debate on Last Week Tonight

"People spent more on the lottery than they did on America"

For the final episode of Last Week Tonight for the year, John Oliver focused his sardonic analysis on the lottery. According to the Last Week Tonight team, 44 states have lotteries and some pretty impressive ads to promote them, including a “furry dressed as a cat,” and a newly-minted millionaire using his new wealth to take a penguin hang gliding.

Nationwide lottery sales total around $68 billion, which Oliver pointed out is more than consumers spend on the NFL, music, porn, movies, video games and Major League Baseball combined. In Oliver’s words, people spent “more on the lottery than they did on America.”

Oliver seemed particularly struck by the fact that lotteries are run by the states, calling the governments to task for what he deemed was akin to running a giant gambling operation that was sold to the public as a charitable donation to state school systems. (It’s for the children!)

He then went deep on who was buying the lottery tickets, revealing that multiple studies have found that lower income households are far more likely to purchase what the states were selling, which is, basically, hope. Despite the fact that, according to Oliver, MegaMillions dreams are “mega unlikely to happen.” One commenter said winning the lottery is as likely as “getting struck by lightning at the same time you’re getting eaten by a shark.”

State lotteries were illegal in this country until 1964, according to Oliver, and it seems like he would outlaw them again.

Last Week Tonight won’t be back on the air until 2015, and he can’t return soon enough.

Read next: Watch John Oliver’s Brilliant Takedown of the Sugar Industry

TIME Opinion

Is Your Kid Still Eating Halloween Candy? Read This.

What is a parent to do when it comes to squaring off against a bag-full of treats?

It’s Day Seven post-Trick or Treating and while the Halloween costumes are old news, the siren’s call of that big stash of processed sugar goes on. And good luck trying to stand between a child and their yearly candy harvest. It becomes a daily battle that almost always ends with someone near tears. (Usually me.) Is the only course of action left to eat all the candy myself?

I could always blame Jimmy Kimmel. The late night comedian staged his now-annual Halloween prank where he has parents inform their children they ate all their Halloween candy and record the inevitable meltdown. The reactions are both funny and sad, but while some saw the prank as uproarious and others viewed it as a cruel hoax, I thought: Hey, that’s not a bad idea. If the candy just disappeared, the struggle would be over in one fell swoop. Off with the proverbial band-aid and on with the limited intake of sugar. But it’s kind of mean and the ensuing tantrum would not be fun to weather. As a parent, though, do I need to make the healthy choice for my kid, whether he likes it or not?

In general, my kid can usually take or leave sugary junk food, but he spent a lot of energy collecting his plus-sized bag of Halloween treats and seems to view it as his own personal Candy Land version of Mt. Everest. Like a wizened mountaineer, he must surmount it, simply because it’s there. At this point, if the FDA had an RDA, or Recommended Dietary Allowances, of carnauba wax, I assure you, it’s been met as he determinedly makes his way over Mt. CandyCoatedChocolate. He doesn’t care about my equally large mountain of studies showing that while delicious, copious amounts of sugar are simply not healthy.

But what is a parent to do when it comes to squaring off against a bag-full of treats? Some parents are lucky enough to live near wily dentists who will buy Halloween candy for cold hard cash and deliver them to troops via Operation Gratitude. The more organized among us plan in advance with the brilliant Switch Witch gag where a “witch” steals the candy in the middle of the night and switches it out for toys. It’s a great ploy for those of with enough free time to pull it off. (Some of us would pay $2,700 for an extra hour in the day in which to plan a Switch Witch-style swap.)

If a parent doesn’t want to be seen as a real witch, though, what are the options? It’s just us vs. the candy and currently, the corn syrup is winning. At the risk of getting that Frozen song stuck in your head again, should we just let it go? Double up on the vegetables and double down on the flossing and brushing and let the kids eat every last fun-sized morsel and just let the sugar industry win this round, despite the studies that show that sugar is the only cause of tooth decay?

Maybe?

I know it’s something that my hippy mother struggled with when I was a child. Normally we were allowed no processed sweets—seriously, I got a box of sugary cereal from Santa each year, otherwise it was all health food store versions of Cheerios—so Halloween was a bonanza for us and a nightmare for my mother. Each year she had a new approach to the onslaught of sugar. One year we were allowed two pieces a day, which stretched the candy consumption until March and quickly became a supposedly fun-sized thing she would never do again. The next year we were told to eat all we wanted on Halloween and the rest would be done away with, the result being a now-infamous evening of candy-colored vomiting. After that, each year the candy trove seemed to be eaten by the dog, despite the fact that the stash was hidden on a tall shelf in the back of a closet and the dog was an overweight corgi with no vertical lift.

As a parent now, blaming the dog for a disappearing candy hoard doesn’t seem like a bad option at all, but I think I am going to attempt to strike a balance. I’ll let him have a few pieces a day for a few more days, while carefully supervising brushing and flossing and vegetable intake and side-eying a copy of the Year of No Sugar. After a week of daily candy intake, though, it might be time to take a page from my mother’s book and blame the dog when the stash disappears.

And if you don’t have a dog, well, there’s always Jimmy Kimmel to blame.

 

TIME viral

A Supercut of Fake Ads From Movies

Watch mock ads from Ghostbusters to Toy Story to Happy Gilmore

If you want to visit Big Al’s Toy Barn, have a sip (or a slug) of a Dunk-A-Cino or order in some ghostbusting, you’ll want to watch a new supercut of fake ads from real movies.

The new video from Screen Junkies showcases the ads used in movies to sell a product like Al Pacino’s Dunkin Donuts coffee drink, remind viewers to tune in at 6 to catch Anchorman‘s Channel 4 news, erase memories with Lacuna Inc, or buy a Buzz Lightyear doll at the local toy shop.

The video features ads from movies like Lost in Translation, The Wolf of Wall Street, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Beetlejuice.

Pour yourself a glass of Suntory whiskey and watch.

TIME viral

This Local News Reporter Dancing to T.I. Is Everything

"Where They At Doe" is unstoppable.

Local news is a treasure trove of incredible moments. Like this or this or this or this video of West Virginia news anchor Dan Thorn busting a move to T.I. at the news desk.

WVNS 59 News was on a commercial break, but the cameras were still rolling when the reporter started getting down to T.I.’s “Where They At Doe,” proving you don’t have to be in the club to drop it low.

While this video would seem to prove the theory that when T.I. plays, you dance, Thorn’s co-anchor Sarah Pisciuneri was clearly not impressed with his iPad-wielding dance moves. Her disinterest was explained when she tragically announced that she just can’t dance on camera. Seems like she could pick up a few pointers from Thorn on that front.

As for Thorn, now that he’s practiced dancing alone to T.I., we’ll look for his appearance on dancing alone to Pony.

H/T Tastefully Offensive

TIME animals

Charlie the Beagle Will Trade You His Toy for Your Breakfast

It's only fair.

Charlie gets it.

He may be a dog, but he understands that in this life, nothing is free and good things — like a human-sized breakfast — only come to those who work for it. After all, everyone, even pets, need to contribute. (Hence with Charlie’s whole helping change the baby’s diaper thing.)

In the latest video from the lovable canine YouTube sensation, Charlie quickly realizes that if he wants his human’s sausage and egg breakfast, he’s going to have to do some serious bartering. Luckily, he has a plan and quickly suggests a trade.

This isn’t Charlie’s first time at the swap meet, after all. A few months back, the usually well-mannered pup tried to entice his human sister into a generous, if guilt-ridden, trade when he swiped the toy she was playing with at the time.

TIME Music

Listen to a Lost Kurt Cobain Mixtape From 1988

Photo of Kurt COBAIN and NIRVANA
Kurt Cobain recording in Hilversum Studios in the Netherlands on Nov. 25, 1991. Michel Linssen—Redferns/Getty Images

The Montage of Heck mixtape is 36 minutes of disparate sounds

Back in 1988 — a year before before Nirvana released Bleach — a 21-year old Kurt Cobain sat down and made a mixtape, titled Montage of Heck, on a 4-track cassette recorder.

Thanks to the magic of the internet, we can all listen to that mixtape now, as it was recently unearthed by the curators of retro cool over at the Dangerous Minds blog and posted to Vimeo.

The mix clocks in at 36 minutes long and blends ambient noise, instantly-recognizable song clips and children’s music into a wall of sound that gives few hints to the sonic sea change that Nirvana’s music would ignite. Like many mixtapes, it’s an unlikely pastiche of music — The Partridge Family, Queensryche, the Theme from The Andy Griffith Show, Black Sabbath — that forms a cohesive, if occasionally jarring whole.

It’s not easy to listen to; it plays more like the soundtrack to a haunted house than a mixtape to woo, say, Taylor Swift. But it is a sort of anthropological fun, though, to listen to and search for clues into the mind of one of the progenitors of modern rock music.

Listen and check out the full list of tracks and samples used in the mix, according to United Mutations, below:

Track list:

“The Men In My Little Girl’s Life” by Mike Douglas
“The Sounds of Silence” by Simon & Garfunkel
“Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!” by The Beatles
“A Day In The Life” by The Beatles
“Eruption” by Van Halen
“Hot Pants” by James Brown
“Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves” by Cher
“Go Away Little Girl” by Donny Osmond
“Rocky Mountain High” by John Denver
“Everybody Loves Somebody” by Dean Martin
“The Candy Man” by Sammy Davis, Jr.
“In A Gadda Da Vida” by Iron Butterfly
“Wild Thing” by William Shatner
“Taxman” by The Beatles
“I Think I Love You” by The Partridge Family
“Are You a Boy or Are You a Girl?” by The Barbarians
“Queen Of The Reich” by Queensryche
“Last Caress/Green Hell” covered by Metallica
“Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin
“Get Down, Make Love” by Queen
“ABC” by The Jackson Five
“I Want Your Sex” by George Michael
“Run to the Hills” by Iron Maiden
“Eye Of The Chicken” by Butthole Surfers
“Dance of the Cobra” by Butthole Surfers
“The Shah Sleeps in Lee Harvey’s Grave” by Butthole Surfers
“New Age” by The Velvet Underground
“Love Buzz” by Shocking Blue
Orchestral music from 200 Motels by Frank Zappa
“Help I’m A Rock” / “It Can’t Happen Here” by Frank Zappa
“Call Any Vegetable” by Frank Zappa
“The Day We Fall In Love” by The Monkees
“Sweet Leaf” by Black Sabbath (intro)
Theme from The Andy Griffith Show
Mike Love (of The Beach Boys) talking about “Transcendental Meditation”
Excerpts of Jimi Hendrix speaking at the Monterey Pop Festival
Excerpts of Paul Stanley from KISS’ Alive!
Excerpts of Daniel Johnston screaming about Satan
Excerpts from sound effects records
Various children’s records (Curious George, Sesame Street, The Flintstones, Star Wars).

TIME Television

Dancing With the Stars Watch: Dynamic Duos and a Dance-Off

CARRIE ANN INABA, LEN GOODMAN, JULIANNE HOUGH, BRUNO TONIOLI
Adam Taylor—ABC

Dancing like everyone is watching

Welcome back to Dancing With the Stars, where the competition creeps ever closer to its inevitable conclusion where someone wins the Mirror Ball Trophy moments before the entire ballroom collapses under the weight of bronzer, sequins, self-tanner, Spanx and hair spray.

This week the seven remaining contestants perform their routines, and the couple with the highest score is granted immunity. The rest are forced to take it to the streets in a dance battle straight out of Step Up 7, which doesn’t exist yet, but is also inevitable.

Here’s what happened on Dancing With the Stars:

Lea Thompson and Artem Chigvintsev: Only on DWTS could you interpret Bonnie and Clyde as a jazz routine set to a Miranda Lambert song while clad in hot pants, fedoras and sparkles and be chided for playing it safe. “You have to risk it to get the biscuit,” scolded Len. 32/40

Michael Waltrip and Emma Slater: Everyone was happy with the decision that Tarzan would wear proper trousers for his foxtrot with Jane. After slamming Michael’s routine last week, the judges were pleased with his improvement. Of course, Carrie Ann Inaba couldn’t help but point out that at Week 8 they expect a little more polish on the moves, which left Michael in actual tears of frustration. 25/40

Janel Parrish and Val Chmerkovskiy: To play up the are-they-or-aren’t-they nature of their relationship, the producers cast them as Romeo and Juliet for their contemporary routine. For the part, Val shaved his chest and his face (despite the fact that it’s Movember) and was almost unrecognizable. Bruno Tonioli dubbed it “ambitious” and “gorgeous in every way.” Carrie Ann said it was Val’s “finest choreography,” and neither Len nor Julianne Hough could find anything in the routine to nitpick, which was the most impressive part of the evening. 40/40

Tommy Chong and Peta Murgatroyd: For their paso doble set to Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” Peta donned a brown wig to channel June Carter while Tommy went full Man in Black. The routine was well intentioned, but Tommy was noticeably behind the beat. Len told Tommy, “You’re like a hot dog, you’re tasty, but you’re never sure about the content,” and it’s hard to argue. Erin explained that Tommy had injured his calf earlier, but he shrugged and offered her some of his favorite painkiller. 26/40

Sadie Robertson and Mark Ballas: Sadie was very excited to imbue her contemporary dance with a biblical message, but was forced to sully the routine with Mark’s bare chest and his hand on her rear during a lift. Carrie Ann said it was their most poignant and passionate dance yet. Julianne appreciated the maturity and, no, she wasn’t talking about Mark. 38/40

Alfonso Ribeiro and Witney Carson: Despite the fact that the super duo set their Batman-and-Robin-themed routine to Prince’s “Trust” instead of “Bat Dance,” the judges were thrilled by the cha-cha. These two never fail to deliver energetic and entertaining routines that are just plain fun to watch. At this point, it seems like it’s Alfonso’s competition to lose. 38/40

Bethany Mota and Derek Hough: It was Lucy and Ricky in the kitchen with a salsa, and the judges didn’t have a clue (see what I did there?) as to how Bethany could make it all look so effortless. While Bruno could barely contain his excitement over the routine, the judges were mostly impressed that Bethany had actually seen an episode of I Love Lucy. 37/40

Immunity: With their perfect score, Janel and Val were immune from elimination and didn’t have to compete in the dance-off. Instead, they had the luxury of watching the competition from the balcony and, presumably, prepping their phones in order to get ready to vote for themselves.

Dance-offs: The remaining teams had to face off against each other in either jive, rumba or cha-cha, but they didn’t know which style it would be until the dance started.

Alfonso and Witney vs. Lea and Artem: Alfonso picked the competition, Lea picked the dance and the competition was stiff between the two top contestants. The judges doled out kind words to both teams, but when it came time to hand out the verdict, it was unanimous for Alfonso and Witney.

Sadie and Mark vs. Bethany and Derek: Sadie (*cough* the producers *cough*) picked Bethany, and Derek chose to dance a cha-cha to Demi Lovato’s “I Really Don’t Care.” Bruno called it “the clash of the titans,” because both teams did a great job. Len wanted to see both dances again, because it was too close to call. Twitter agreed, with Sadie earning 48% to Bethany’s 52% of the online votes. The judges split evenly, which meant that Len, as head judge, got final say, meaning Bethany got the win.

Tommy and Peta vs. Michael and Emma: Michael managed a decent rumba, but despite a calf injury, Tommy delivered a superior version and limped upstairs to collect his win.

In jeopardy: At this point in the competition, it’s clear that Tommy and Michael are the weakest dancers remaining in the contest. It was no surprise, when it was announced that they were in jeopardy of elimination.

Who went home: Michael. Poor Michael, he tried so hard, but despite all his effort and energy, he just couldn’t dance at the level required in this competition. He and Emma had tears in their eyes as word of their elimination came down. Guess Michael will have to comfort himself by doing the Scrooge McDuck backstroke through his NASCAR millions.

TIME Music

Director John Carpenter to Release Debut Album

Sacred Bones Records

Listen to his debut single "Vortex"

John Carpenter may be best known for frightening people with his movies, but his music will give you a different type of chills entirely.

The director behind films like Halloween, Escape From New York, The Thing and They Live announced his debut solo album today. Lost Themes is due out Feb. 3 on Sacred Bones Records.

While Carpenter is best known as a director, he’ composed music for his films for years. His IMDB entry gives him 22 separate composer credits, including scores to films like Big Trouble in Little China, The Prince of Darkness and the spine-chilling theme to Halloween.

Yet despite working in music for decades, the horror master has never made an album before. The album’s first single “Vortex” (stream it below) is an ominous instrumental track that could easily serve as a soundtrack to one of his films — but that’s not what Carpenter intended.

Lost Themes was all about having fun,” Carpenter said in a release. “It can be both great and bad to score over images, which is what I’m used to. Here there were no pressures. No actors asking me what they’re supposed to do. No crew waiting. No cutting room to go to. No release pending. It’s just fun.”

Tracklist:

  1. Vortex
  2. Obsidian
  3. Fallen
  4. Domain
  5. Mystery
  6. Abyss
  7. Wraith
  8. Purgatory
  9. Night

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