Love, goats and wedding crashing
Welcome back to The Bachelor. The show is shaking things up this week, by swapping Chris Harrison for Jimmy Kimmel, and the only question is why they haven’t done it before. Jimmy walks into the mansion and loudly greets the women, “Hello, sister wives!” He tells the women that he is here to help Chris S. make his decision by “making love” to each of them. The women laugh, but only because even that would still be preferable to getting paraded through the streets of Los Angeles in a bikini again.
Here’s what else happened on The Bachelor:
Most Profitable Move Ever: Jimmy is planning on using his time on the show for both fun and profit. So he brings a jar and tells the women that every time they use the word amazing they have to put a dollar in the jar. Needless to say he has enough to pay for a full body wax by the end of the episode.
First Date: Jimmy is setting the dates tonight and he picks the “most romantic spot he knows” for Chris S.’s date with Kaitlyn. He says they are headed to an “exclusive club” with “high ceilings” and “unlimited hors d’oeuvres.” In short, they are going to Costco. Jimmy gave them a shopping list and and they play Supermarket Sweep and then load up the limo with Jimmy’s ketchup order.
It’s a Threesome: Back at Chris S.’s house, Chris and Kaitlyn get ready for their dinner, and Chris tells her that he leads an unglamorous life that revolves around farming and Costco (although the closest Costco is almost two hours away). They make out until Jimmy walks in on them and joins their date. He starts hitting Kaitlyn with hard-ball questions about the Fantasy Suite, and she seems to charm him with her laissez-faire, dude-like attitude. With that in mind, Jimmy’s advice is that Chris should try to sleep with everyone. The merry threesome drink, eat meat and laugh until everyone in the audience is well aware that Chris laughs like a lady. Then Jimmy brings out the Date Rose and critiques Chris’ speech to Kaitlyn. They end up kicking Jimmy out so they can make out without him, but he shows up in the hot tub with a bucket of ribs.
Group Date: For the group date, Jimmy has devised a farm-inspired obstacle course that includes corn husking, egg hunting, goat milking, milk chugging, manure shoveling and pig wrestling, because everyone wants this, but only he can make it happen. Many of the women never make it past the corn-husking phase, but Carly, MacKenzie, Kelsey and Jillian do, with Jillian’s shorts once again being so small that they earn her a black bar of shame over her behind. Stop shopping in the kids’ department, Jillian! Kelsey gags on the milk, while Amber happily watches from the sidelines because she heard the milk was “warm and salty” which are “not things I like in my mouth” and feel free to make your own joke about that. Carly admitted that she was lactose intolerant but chugged her goat milk anyway, which gave her the edge to be the first to the manure-shoveling contest. But Jillian jumped the fence into the pig wrestling (earning the high honor of a Bionic Woman sound effect). Despite Jillian’s acrobatics, it was Carly who wrestled the piglet to the ground first (poor pig!). For her efforts, Jimmy gave Carly a blue ribbon and an American Gothic photo shoot with Chris as a prize.
Post-Date Cocktail Party Activity: Chris makes out with everyone.
Awkward: MacKenzie flat out asked Chris why he was kissing everyone else. This question is only awkward because did MacKenzie just figure this out? Chris hemmed and hawed and then finally explained that he’s here to inoculate himself against cooties and that means kissing everyone. Then he went to kiss some more women and hands the Date Rose to a woman named Becca, who may have just accidentally walked onto the set and into the party, because she looks new here.
Second Date: Whitney, the baby-voiced fertility nurse who spent her first few minutes with Chris S. asking about hog insemination, is invited to a picnic in a windy hill with the sun in her eyes, but the date card said no whining, so she doesn’t. They eat some cheese, drink some wine (don’t whine) and then decide to crash a wedding. The producers are weirded out enough that this may actually be a moment of spontaneity — but it probably isn’t. Whitney and Chris go to change into wedding wear, grab a gift, ditch the cameras and then crash the reception. The cameras record it all creepily from the bushes and apparently some producers creeped around the grounds with cell-phone cameras rolling. They meet and greet the guests, and Chris does a family-friendly lawnmower move out on the dance floor. Chris gives Whitney a rose for not laughing at his dance moves.
Pool Party: Jimmy decides to cancel the cocktail party in lieu of a pool party. Jimmy, being a happy and wise married man, skips the party, but is clearly living vicariously through Chris. Ashley I., the freelance journalist, is really upset about the party change-up because she wanted to go “full Kardashian” at the cocktail party and now has to wear a bikini instead. No idea why she thinks those two are mutually exclusive. In the midst of the party, Juelia decides to tell Chris S. her tragic backstory: her husband committed suicide after the birth of their daughter. She cried in Chris’ arms, and he comforted her while she cried (and for the cynical, cemented her rose for the evening). After he dries Juelia’s tears off his bare chest, Britt comes and they make out. Chris takes Jade for a tour of his house and they canoodle on his bed (she doesn’t even bother taking off her white stilettos) while Jillian waits in the hot tub. MacKenzie, Megan and Ashley try to crash the jacuzzi party, but it ends in tears when Ashely starts crying because Jillian won’t leave the hot tub. Chris notices her teary tantrum and follows her to House of Hormones. She cry-laughs about Jillian’s behavior while he comforts her, and then they make out until they almost fall off the roof.
The Rose Ceremony: Going into the ceremony, Chris S. makes it clear that he respects each and every one of the women he made out with so far. Before he goes to face the women, Jimmy gives Chris S. some helpful final words of wisdom: “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who makes better speeches.” Amen, Jimmy. Kaitlyn, Whitney and Becca all have roses. Jade gets the first rose, Samantha (who?), Juelia, MacKenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S., Nicky and Jillian get roses. Despite the fact that Ashley I. specifically told Chris he should call her name at the beginning of the ceremony, he waits until the final rose to tell her she’s safe for another week. That’s how he shows respect, you know?
Three women are heading home, including Amber, who has been the lone woman of color on the show.
Best Moment of the Entire Season: Chris H. telling Jimmy that his time is done and he has to say his good-byes. Jimmy dead-eyes him, says, “Goodbye, Chris,” and then does a full sad limo ride off into the sunset, crying about how he and Chris spent four whole days together, and it was definitely love.
Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Jimmy Kimmel won’t be back, so there’s no reason to tune in … except for a “date made for bimbos”!