TIME Television

Is The Bachelorette Already Slut-Shaming Kaitlyn Bristowe?

A promo for the upcoming season suggests a double standard is still at play

=https://youtu.be/Fb32MvIbyS0]

At the end of this week’s season premiere of The Bachelorette, the producers gave a sneak peak at all the drama to come in the new season of the show. In the promo, the producers document newly-minted Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe’s fairytale journey to find love complete with canoeing, celebrity guest appearances (hi Amy Schumer!) and sumo wrestling. It’s all rose petals and romance—until around the 1:30 mark, when things get darker. The men start to get jealous watching Kaitlyn kiss other beaus. Not helping the situation is the return of Nick Viall, a finalist from Andi Dorfman’s season, who’s been vocal about his feelings about pre-marital sex. (In case you missed it: He deemed Andi’s decision to have sex with him in the Fantasy Suite “not appropriate.”)

Kaitlyn seems to shrug it off, though, saying: “If the physical part of a relationship isn’t there for me, that is a deal breaker.” Fair enough—that’s how most of the world functions when it comes to romance. As emotions rise, one man soothes his friend’s feelings, “It’s just kissing.” And it is just kissing—until suddenly, it’s not. The lights go out, there’s the sound of heavy breathing, and it becomes clear that an adult woman on a dating reality show had sex. Cut to a picture of a crying Kaitlyn.

In the video, Kaitlyn clearly states that she’s not a bad person and she’s not ashamed of herself. So why does it seem like the producers want to make her look like she is? The next few minutes of the promo are just Kaitlyn crying, curling up in a ball, hiding her face and then admitting her actions to the other men for public pillorying. The men are shocked. One stalks off: “Don’t talk to me!”

Let’s get real: This is not the first time that someone has had sex on this show. The show’s “journey to love” culminates in three back-to-back overnight dates in a Fantasy Suite. We all know what happens there, even if it’s not documented for the camera. This isn’t even the first time that someone has had sex outside of the Fantasy Suites. Remember Courtney’s and Ben’s tryst in the ocean? Or Clare and Juan Pablo? Bachelor Bob Guiney supposedly had sex with at least five different women on his season. Host Chris Harrison low-balled that 67% of couples have sex on the show. Despite that, Courtney is still considered a villain; Clare was blasted on blogs and Twitter for her night with Juan Pablo.

But, of course, those infamous encounters all took place on The Bachelor, not The Bachelorette. Does the show have a double standard when it comes to the perception of its Bachelorette? Maybe. Bachelorette Andi Dorfman certainly got her share of slut-shaming after her Fantasy Suite encounter with Nick Viall came up on After the Final Rose. (To her credit, Andi was having none of it.) Based on the promo, it seems like Kaitlyn is in for similar treatment. Some viewers definitely thought so; many took to Twitter to express their dismay over the producers’ perceived slut-shaming of Kaitlyn.

“I made a mistake. That doesn’t mean I’m a bad person,” Kaitlyn wails in the video. Let’s hope the producers remember that this season.

TIME Television

Watch Justin Bieber Sing Car Karaoke with James Corden

The Bieb also revealed how many times he wears his underwear in a row

While you were still crying over David Letterman’s late night departure, James Corden was asking Justin Bieber if he ever makes love to his own music. While the answer to that was a sad no, there were some other interesting revelations on Wednesday night’s Late Late Show.

In the clip, Corden and Bieber drive around Los Angeles, shouting out to fans on the street and singing along to Bieber’s hit songs “Baby” and “Where Are U Now.” In between all the singing and seat dancing, Corden managed to get some dirt on the singer, like the fact that he only wears underwear once before throwing it out. (As a Calvin Klein model, perhaps he feels he has to do his part to keep the company in business?) Bieber also showed off his impressive skills with a Rubik’s Cube, which has to be seen to be beliebed.

TIME Television

Watch Jamie Foxx Play Wheel of Musical Impressions With Jimmy Fallon

His take on Jennifer Hudson singing "On Top Of Spaghetti" is truly something

=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGidYBqBHVw]

Jimmy Fallon made the most of having a multi-hyphenate talent on his show when actor-singer-comedian Jamie Foxx stopped by The Tonight Show Tuesday night. Fallon challenged Foxx to a game called “Wheel of Musical Impressions,” where each person is assigned a random singer and nontraditional song at the push of a button.

Foxx started strong with his version of Mick Jagger singing The Lion King‘s “Hakuna Matata,” complete with, ahem, moves like Jagger. Fallon came back by giving Barney the Purple Dinosaur’s “I Love You” the Bee Gees treatment.

But Foxx won the night with his impressive takes on John Legend singing the Toys ‘R’ Us theme song and Jennifer Hudson warbling “On Top Of Spaghetti,” which must be heard to be believed.

TIME Television

Dancing With the Stars Finale: And the Winner Is …

Sia, Jason Derulo and Fifth Harmony helped fill the two-hour broadcast

It’s time start the music, it’s time to light the lights, it’s time to get things started and hand the Mirror Ball Trophy to someone tonight! It’s the finale of Dancing With the Stars, and we aren’t leaving until the last piece of confetti has drifted to the ballroom floor and someone takes that trophy home to sit on their mantelpiece and impress their friends and Girl Scout troops and dog walkers forever.

The crop of stars who populated the 20th season of the perennial competitive reality TV classic has been winnowed down to just three finalists — noted celebrity daughter Rumer Willis, decorated Iraq War veteran Noah Galloway and pirate enthusiast Riker Lynch. Tonight all of them will leave with glitter stuck in their hair, but only one will leave the ballroom with a Mirror Ball.

Here’s what happened on Dancing With the Stars:

The Big Open: To make sure that the show’s grand finale is distinct from every other night, the opening number was set on a stage outside. Choreographed by Mandy Moore (no, the other Mandy Moore) it was a big splashy routine that featured Derek back in dancing form. (Little late, Derek!)

Repeat Performance: To kick off the show, Twitter voted and decided they wanted to see a repeat of Riker and Allison’s swinging jazzy freestyle. It’s always fun to watch the repeat performances, because with voting over and the judges no longer weighing in, the dancers loosen up and actually have fun.

Redfoo and Emma Slater: Remember when LMFAO’s Redfoo was on the show? While he got kicked off the first week of the competition, he was invited back to perform a song that was not “Party Rock,” but something called “Juicy Wiggle.” The best part of the song was everybody pretending that grown people dancing to a song called “Juicy Wiggle” was a normal way to pass an evening.

Charlotte McKinney and Keo Motsepe: It was easy to forget that the model from the racy Carl’s Jr. Super Bowl ad was ever on the show, but she was and she returned to drag us all down memory lane with her dance to Katy Perry’s “California Gurls.” The best part of the routine was still Sasha Farber dressed as a crabby crab.

Sadie Robertson and Alfonso Ribeiro: The Duck Dynasty scion and the Fresh Prince star teamed up for a quick routine, but the big surprise came when Tom Bergeron announced that Alfonso would be taking over for him as the host of America’s Funniest Home Videos. His one piece of advice for the incoming host? “Wear a cup.”

Suzanne Somers and Tony Dovolani: The dynamic duo reprised their performance of “Copacabana.” There’s not much else to say about it.

Jason Derulo, Fifth Harmony and Patti LaBelle: Jason Derulo and Fifth Harmony stopped by the show to help kill time. Wasn’t that nice of them? Derulo sang his new single, “Want to Want Me,” while Fifth Harmony performed their new classic “Worth It.” While Patti LaBelle was contractually obligated to be on set for the finale, she was kind enough to sing her song “2 Steps Away.”

Amy Purdy, Derek Hough, Noah Galloway and Sharna Burgess: Amy Purdy, the Paralympian who lost her legs after a bout of meningitis, returned to the Dancing With the Stars set for a performance with Noah, who lost an arm and a leg in war. It was a shining example of the amazing resilience of the human spirit and body, and the desire to perform.

Chris Soules and Witney Carson: The Bachelor star repeated their Footloose performance, because he is heading back to the farm soon and needs to remember what small-town life is like.

Nastia Liukin, Derek Hough and Sasha Farber: Andy Grammer returned to the show to help Nastia Sasha, and Derek reprise their greatest hit, which was set on a subway car and soundtracked by Grammer’s “Honey, I’m Good.” It holds up as one of the best routines of the season.

Willow Shields and Mark Ballas: Despite the fact that Mark couldn’t breathe in his White Rabbit mask, he and Willow did a repeat performance of their fun yet slightly creepy Alice in Wonderland–themed dance. And once again, Mark managed not to pass out.

The Best Routine of the Night: While the glitz and rhinestones and Spanx and props are fun, Dancing With the Stars occasionally has moments of pure genius. Last night, noted dance enthusiast Sia stopped by the show to perform her track “Elastic Heart.” To accompany the song, Derek and Julianne Hough paired up for a dramatic routine. They were joined by two young dancers playing younger versions of the siblings in a staggering side-by-side performance that is well worth Googling. Really.

Patti LaBelle and Artem Chigvintsev: Obviously Patti and Artem had to go back to the club, because Patti LaBelle dancing the salsa to 50 Cent’s “In Da Club” was the highlight of the season, if not the series.

Noah and Sharna: For their final performance, Noah and Sharna did a fusion of the cha-cha and the Argentine tango to Cash Cash’s “Surrender.” At the end of the routine, Len Goodman told Noah, “You’ve given so much for America, why shouldn’t America give you the Mirror Ball?” Julianne called him a warrior, Carrie Ann Inaba said he changed lives forever, and Bruno Tonioli intoned, “You are legend.” Guess they liked it? 36/40

Riker and Allison: Considering they set their final performance to MKTO’s “Classic,” Riker’s and Allison’s fusion of salsa and the quickstep was anything but. The judges were thrilled by the results. Bruno called him a “unique and outstanding talent” and a “powerhouse performer.” Not to be outdone, Carrie Ann called him “a superstar.” Len won though by calling him “the boy who brings joy,” even though he admitted he didn’t always like his “wild and wacky” style of dancing. 40/40

Rumer and Val: This pair manages to make a foxtrot and paso doble fusion seem effortless and natural. Carrie Ann thinks they saved the best for last. Len, who prefaces his statement by saying that he is always honest, says, “You are as good as anyone who has been on Dancing With the Stars.” Julianne takes a page out of Jack Nicholson’s 1993 film As Good As It Gets, tells Rumer that she makes her want to be a better dancer. 40/40

In Third Place: Noah and Sharna. Noah told Erin Andrews that he thought he was going to last three weeks and ended up in third place and he is seemingly very happy with that result.

And the Winner Is… Rumer and Val! Not only is this a big win for Rumer, but after three times in the finals, this is Val’s first victory.

 

TIME Television

The Bachelorette Recap: America, This Is Your Bachelorette

Someone is crying in a limo tonight

After last night’s dramatic, drunken and degrading episode, The Bachelorette season premiere continues. Yesterday, the men all put their roses in either Kaitlyn’s or Britt’s box and chose their woman. Tonight the votes are tallied, and one of these women will be named Bachelorette, and the other will go home crying in a limo (again). Let’s get on with the drama.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

The Bachelorette Is: When the show starts, Chris Harrison does not beat around the bush, he makes a beeline for Britt and immediately informs her in the most circumspect way possible that she is not the Bachelorette. She lets it sink in for a bit before thanking him for the opportunity. Then he walks her out, gives her a big hug and sends her on her away for her second sad sack limo ride. She has no qualms about crying her eyes out in the limo (again) and doubting all her life choices (again) and convincing herself that she will ever find love (again). Never forget that after years of Bachelor finales, Chris is well trained in the art of vagueness, so it should come as no surprise that he told Kaitlyn of her victory like so: “Unfortunately, Kaitlyn,” he began, she starts nodding and crying accepting defeat, before he finishes, “I had to send Britt home.” To her credit, Kaitlyn asked if Britt was O.K. Chris assured her that she was a bit shocked, but otherwise fine. As Kaitlyn takes a minute to hyperventilate. Chris is right there for her, not helping. He tells her she’s the Bachelorette, which makes her hyperventilate more, and then he reminds her that she has to stop hyperventilating because she has a Rose Ceremony to oversee, which makes her both hyperventilate and swear. (They could overdub the swearing, but the heavy breathing was there to stay.) Chris then leaves so she can pull herself together and call her mother and try not puke simultaneously. Her mother unhelpfully tells her to get out there and find her a son in law. No pressure!

The Big Reveal: Chris Harrison walks into a room full of men (and probably the smell of sweat and musk, after all that time trying to stake their claim to a woman [insert caveman chest thump]). Chris tells them that their rose votes have been counted, and a new Bachelorette has been chosen. Kaitlyn walks in and the men leap to their feet, cheering.

The Official Meet and Greet: While Kaitlyn had met all of the men earlier in the evening, she had to share that time with Britt. With Britt safely crying in her limo, Kaitlyn gets to sift through her sloppy seconds, brush off all of Britt’s cooties, and start over. To help her on her journey is the First Impression Rose. (Yes, grammarians, that’s a proper noun.)

The Menfolk and Their Feelings: Some of the men are thrilled that Kaitlyn is the woman they will be pursuing. People like Joshua the welder who gave her a steel rose, which sounds like something out of a Poison song. And Ian, who is thrilled it’s her, but forgot to bring her any presents. Then there are the men who were solidly Team Britt and have to re-evaluate their feelings. You can see the little cogs in their heads shifting and changing directions and reassessing Kaitlyn’s attractiveness levels. Like Tony the healer, who is having a hard time transitioning his energies from Britt to Kaitlyn, even though he originally wanted to vote for Kaitlyn. He’s a flip-flopper! Healer, heal thyself. Jared makes the brave choice to tell Kaitlyn that he put his rose in the box for Britt, but is totally willing to try putting his rose in her box too. Brady the singer-songwriter doesn’t know what to do with all his feelings for Britt. Maybe write a song for her?

Bachelorette Milestone: First kiss! During their first real interaction, Chris the dentist boldly went where no man on the show had gone before, and Kaitlyn let him. Naturally all the men watched the make-out session from inside the house.

The First Impression Rose: Kaitlyn had her eye on Shawn the personal trainer from the moment he stepped out of the limo. So it’s only fitting that despite the fact that she kissed Chris, that she give Shawn the First Impression Rose. Then they kiss, because that’s what you do when you are trying to find a husband on national television … or in real life.

The Rose Ceremony, Part I: The first name Kaitlyn calls at her very first Rose Ceremony is Chris, the dentist she kissed. He’s followed into rose-holding bliss by Ben H. a software salesman from Denver, with JJ, a banker, also from Denver, rounding out the top three. Then came Joe, Kupah, Daniel the fashion designer, Ryan B. (a.k.a. the only Ryan left), Joshua, the welder, Tony the healer and … hold that thought.

The Drama: Brady the singer songwriter stops the ceremony. He needs to talk to Kaitlyn. As all the men stare in shock (shock!) that this could be happening, Brady takes Kaitlyn outside and tells her that he is leaving. He has real(ish) feelings for Britt and needs to follow his heart. Or at least write a song about it later. Kaitlyn shrugs, and he heads off into the sunset.

The Other Drama: As Kaitlyn talks to Brady, it turns out that all the men all seem to know who voted for Britt and who voted for Kaitlyn. The longtime Kaitlyn boosters already have it out for the Team Britt men, vowing revenge if they are sent home early. It’s like the Chicago political machine, but with more hair gel and fewer wire taps.

Rose Ceremony, Part II: With Brady on his way out the door and the ceremony back under way, Clint accepts Kaitlyn’s rose, then there’s a Tanner, a Corey (or maybe a Cory?), an Ian, another Ben, a Justin and someone else maybe? They all blur together into an attractive mix of straight teeth and aftershave. The final rose of the evening went to Jared, because he was honest.

Biggest Mistake: The man who rolled up in a Hot Tub Car got cut in the first round. He deserved better!

Best Reason to Tune In This Season: This season of The Bachelorette goes where no season of The Bachelorette (or for that matter The Bachelor) has gone before.

TIME Television

Why Did The Bachelorette Let Rape Jokes Air?

A drunk contestant's bad behavior proves the show has a real problem

On Monday’s premiere of The Bachelorette, the reality show debuted its big twist. Instead of letting the woman choose her suitors as per the show’s usual formula, two women, Britt Nilsson and Kaitlyn Bristowe, would compete for the men’s attention. At the end of a cocktail party, 25 potential suitors would vote for whoever they would prefer to woo over the course of the season. It was a controversial move that turns the ostensibly woman-powered Bachelor spin-off on its head, giving all the control back to the scrum of men. But we were willing to give it a chance. Last night, though, The Bachelorette went too far, allowing misogynistic comments, threats of rape and wholly inappropriate behavior to slide in the name of a game and supposedly “good” television.

The premiere began with a cavalcade of handsome suitors heading into a cocktail party after staking their claim on either Britt or Kaitlyn. (You can read a full recap here.) These parties are usually where contestants tend to overindulge and last night was no exception. The main culprit was a man named Ryan M., a 28-year old “junkyard specialist” hailing from Kansas City, Mo. Ryan got wasted in primetime and sat in the shrubbery, heckling suitors who arrived, yelling, “You suck!” from the bushes. He then drunkenly escorted Britt outside for some one-on-one time, proceeding to hug her and touch her face until one of the other suitors distracted him with the promise of another drink. Then Ryan slapped Kaitlyn’s rear as she walked by and she scowled at him, but presumably because of the show’s set-up, she couldn’t just take the power into her own hands and kick him off. Instead, she just had to take it. Both women were rendered defenseless by the fact that they needed to earn as many votes as possible to stay on the show. As he stripped down for the pool, Ryan declared that he was, “Totally horned up.” And that’s not even the worst of it.

Finally another contestant confronted Ryan about his behavior, and Ryan replied, “Why am I not raping you right now? That’s my whole thing.” The other suitor looked horrified and called him out on it, causing Ryan to simply yell, “You suck!” and stumble onward. It was a shocking moment of literal — not implied — rape culture come to life on the small screen, with one drunken loser spewing horrible things on television. Still, the cameras just rolled and a producer in an editing booth somewhere decided to leave that clip in.

When producers finally had enough of Ryan’s antics, a giant Bachelorette bouncer sent him to speak to host Chris Harrison outside of the house. “I hate to do this, but you’re clearly not here for either one of these girls or for sincere reasons,” Harrison told the disgraced contestant. “I really think it’s best if you go home. There’s a car waiting for you.” And with that, Ryan was finally sent packing.

Good riddance, but let’s back up a second. While sending Ryan off, Harrison said, “I hate to do this.” Why would he hate do that? Seems like kicking off a man who got drunk, stripped, inappropriately grabbed one of the show’s stars and then threatened to rape another contestant would be the sort of person you should enjoy sending home. It would set a good precedent not only for future contestants, but also for the at-home audience. Instead, Harrison made it clear that they weren’t sending Ryan home for his inappropriate conduct, or for getting black-out drunk, but because “he wasn’t there for the right reasons.” That reasoning seems to imply that the show and its mission of following one of these women on their journey to find love, was more important than a man acting wildly inappropriately toward the women and threatening violence on national television. It makes it seem like the producers don’t care about his conduct as long as he was “there for the right reasons.”

While The Bachelorette is not the most feminist of franchises — there’s an ongoing discussion about the show’s perceived slut shaming — there was something refreshing about a woman choosing a partner on her own terms (well, terms worked out in advance with the producers). This season was already shaking things up by removing any sense of female empowerment from the show, by letting the women compete for the men’s votes. But after last night, it seems clear that the show has lost its way. Whether viewers are Team Britt or Team Kaitlyn, it’s unlikely that they are Team Misogyny.

TIME Television

The Bachelorette Recap: Kaitlyn, Britt and 25 of Their Closest Boyfriends

BACK ROW: TANNER, DANIEL, BEN H., IAN, KUPAH, COREY, SHAWN E., JOE; MIDDLE ROW: BRADLEY, SHAWN B., JOSH A., JOSH S., BRADY, JARED, TONY, BEN Z., RYAN M.; FRONT ROW: RYAN B., CHRIS, JUSTIN, JONATHAN, CLINT, DAVID, CORY, JJ
Craig Sjodin—ABC

Hot tub car, an exotic dancer and Chris Harrison riding a triceratops and, it was only the first episode

The Bachelorette is back! This season, the producers, in their infinite wisdom, decided to shake things up and have both Britt Nilsson and Kaitlyn Bristowe, who were winnowed from the herd of women looking for love with Chris Soules on the most recent season of The Bachelor, vie for the chance to pre-mate (in a hot tub!) on live television. Both women will be at the mansion to meet and greet a fresh batch of eager beaus. Then, instead of letting Britt and Kaitlyn fight over the men in a Thunderdome of Love, which would be uncivilized and one of them might break a nail or something, the men will choose who they will woo. Isn’t that nice of them?

As we wait to see how this new twist on an old formula unfurls, let’s scope out the competition. People to watch include Shawn E., an “amateur” sex coach from Ontario. Amateur as in he didn’t want to spring for the professional licensing fees? Or like he’s the ABD of the sex-coaching PhD set? Then there’s Josh, a 27-year-old law student who is putting himself through school as an exotic dancer (basically a “real” life version of Danny Castellano from The Mindy Project). On the other end of the sexy-job spectrum, there’s Ryan M., a junkyard specialist from Kansas City. There is also a healthy array of blokes with incredibly soporific-sounding jobs, like, investment bankers, former investment bankers, insurance agents, international auto shipperzzzzzz. Need to raise your heart rate after all that? Never fear, there are three trainers on hand. There’s also a healer in the mix, sure to use his talents to heal either Britt or Kaitlyn’s broken heart. Then there’s the guy who shows up at the mansion with a giant cupcake, which either Britt or Kaitlyn can drown their sorrows in if the men choose wrong.

Before the show begins, Chris Harrison reminds viewers that change isn’t easy and that we will all get through his awkward, painful process together. So pull out your favorite adult beverage, grab your Kleenex, sprinkle your couch with rose petals and get ready to walk hand in hand with either Kaitlyn or Britt on their journey to find love.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

The Arrival: Britt and Kaitlyn awkwardly stand across from each other in the mansion’s rounded driveway, dressed in their sequins, sparkles and lip gloss, and side-eyeing each other like crazy. The limos pull up, and as the 25 men spill out, it’s clear that Britt is winning (or those sneaky producers want it to seem like Britt is winning) as all the men flock to her and Kaitlyn stands there like a fourth-grade nothing in gym class.

Team Britt: Jonathan an automotive spokesman (he speaks for the autos?) from Detroit with a 5-year-old son (or in Bachelor parlance, “baggage”). Brady, a singer-songwriter, who marries together pain and joy in his music, but hasn’t found love yet. He thinks Britt is a “solid billion” on a scale of 1 to 10. Ryan, a realtor, thought he was a Kaitlyn, but now is totally a Britt.

Team Kaitlyn: Joe from Bluegrass Country considers himself both a Southern gentleman and a hair-gel enthusiast. He kindly brought the ladies some moonshine to chug. Joshua, a welder who is rivaling Chris Soules for smalltown-hero status, makes a lot of puns about welding. Ian manages to mention that he is a Princeton grad in his intro video, but balances it out with a tragic backstory about getting hit by a car and left for dead. He tells Kaitlyn that he wants it to be her. Jared would prefer that we call him “Love Man,” as opposed to”restaurant manager with an asymmetrical haircut.” While he pronounced his love for Kaitlyn in his intro video, Love Man chose to neg her, stepping out of the limo and only talking to Britt. JJ, the former investment banker, told Kaitlyn that as a lifelong hockey fan, he wants to “puck her” and handed her a puck. While Britt liked Shawn, one of the personal trainers, he told Kaitlyn he was there for her. Tanner, an auto-finance manager, gives Britt a box of tissues to dry her impending tears, but mostly to be mean, because he’s Team Kaitlyn.

Team TBD: Josh, the law student, considers being an exotic dancer “the best job on earth,” which it is when compared to corporate litigation. He performs a sultry strip down for the ladies, which causes Kaitlyn to happily hand him over to Britt. Ben is a personal trainer whose life highlight is that he got to try out for the NFL — not play, just try out. Chris, a dentist, pulls up in a car shaped like a cupcake to woo the sweeties. Tony, the healer, showed up with a black eye, which he apparently couldn’t heal before the show. He feels like he has been training for this moment his entire life. While he came for Kaitlyn, he is won over by Britt and now feels “energy pulsating” with Britt’s name on it. Clint, an architectural engineer, who took styling tips from Thor. Ben H., a software salesman from Denver, David, a real estate agent from Orlando, Kupah, an entrepreneur from Boston, and Corey and the Cory, the Bens, Shawns, and Ryans are all blending into a crowd of spray tans, white teeth and implied cologne.

The Scandal: Kaitlyn ran inside the mansion to say hello to the men. Britt thought that was cheating. The end.

The Drunk: Every opening night there is someone who can’t hold their liquor. This time it’s Ryan M., the junkyard specialist from Missouri. Not only did he get completely blitzed, but he came outside the mansion, sat in the shrubbery and heckled Shawn E, the amateur sex coach, who had the brilliant idea to pull up in a hot-tub car. That’s right, a hot tub inside a car. The ladies were dying of laughter, but Ryan kept yelling “stupid!” like if Statler and Waldorf lived in a bush and were idiots. Later, Shawn tried to talk to Ryan about it, not realizing he was black out drunk and beyond help. Then he drunkenly touched Britt’s face and slapped Kaitlyn’s rear. Then he stripped down into his skivvies to take a dip in the pool while yelling, “I’m so horned up!” Finally a security guard showed up to taken Ryan to the principal’s office. The principal being Chris Harrison, who sent him home to think about what he’s done.

Bachelorette Milestone: Chris Harrison came into the mansion and told the group that Ryan was sent home, not because he was drunk or inappropriate, but because he wasn’t there for the right reasons.

The Cocktail Party: Kaitlyn kicked things off with a knock-knock joke (“Knock knock!” “Who’s there?” “Two Bachelorettes!” “Two Bachelorettes who?” “Two Bachelorettes, that’s the joke!”) while Britt tried not to cry while telling the room that she’s looking for a best friend. It’s an awkward evening. As Britt and Kaitlyn mingle with the menfolk, they can’t help but glance over their shoulder to see who is taking a shine to the other woman. The men are inside strategizing. Do you take the one you like most or the one who likes you the most? Thor (a.k.a. Clint) won Kaitlyn’s heart by handing her a picture he drew of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops.

The Voting: Chris Harrison kills the vibe in the cocktail party by announcing that the voting room is open, and the men must choose. The women get slightly panicked looks in their eyes, but try to swallow it down to continue their flirting and run their own personal get-out-the-vote drive fueled by eyelash batting, sweet smiles and sultry looks. The men slowly file into the voting room and drop their roses into a box under either Kaitlyn’s or Britt’s glamour shot. Some men went with their guts, some went with lower body parts, some (the investment bankers) did their due diligence before making their decision.

Best Reason to Come Back Tomorrow: The roses are tallied, and one of these women will be The Bachelorette.

TIME Television

Dancing With the Stars Recap: Last Dance, Last Chance

Rumer, Riker and Noah dance their pants off

It’s the final round of Dancing With the Stars, and the stakes couldn’t be higher (well, other than in the final round of every other season of Dancing With the Stars, of course). Tonight the finalists — veteran Noah Galloway, Hollywood scion Rumer Willis and struggling pop star/Hough family relation Riker Lynch — will compete in two rounds of dance. First comes a repeat performance of a dance from earlier in the season. The real test will come with the freestyle, where emotions rule and stories are told, plus lots of fog, spotlights and shadows, so if you’re playing a drinking game where you have to take a shot for dramatic lighting, you should be well toasted by the end of the show.

Here’s what happened in the finals:

Round One: Repeat Performances

Noah Galloway and Sharna Burgess: As they head into the finals, Noah has stars in his eyes and thinks he really has a shot at winning this thing. He and Sharna returned to their solid, if not especially stunning Argentine tango. The lack of drama was mostly due to the strangely poppy song choice of Clean Bandit’s “Rather Be,” which lacked some much-needed gravity. The judges spent a lot of time talking about how tight the final round of competition always is and how Noah should be proud of himself for making it so far and reminding him that he had one more dance in the final to go. That was basically a nice way of saying his lifts were shaky, his footwork was wobbly, and better luck next time, without actually saying any of that to a veteran. Luckily for Noah, the producers cut to his newly minted fiancée frequently to remind viewers to vote not just for Noah, but for love. 32/40

Riker Lynch and Allison Holker: Captain Jack Sparrow is back for another Pirates of the Caribbean–themed paso doble. For their repeat performance, Riker bearded up and put on his big-boy pantaloons for another go-round of the frenetic number he debuted during Disney week. By the end of the piratical paso, the audience were on their feet and cheering — and not just because the producers made them. Even Len Goodman gave them a standing ovation, calling it “epic” and a “swashbuckling” performance. 40/40

Rumer Willis and Val Chmerkovskiy: Rumer headed back to church for another attempt at her foxtrot to Hozier’s “Take Me to Church.” Once again it was full of dramatic lines, sharp angles and everything that the judges love. Bruno Tonioli shouted out Rumer’s impressive lineage, while calling her “dancing royalty.” Len said he knew way back in the beginning of the season that this was her year, and he still believes it. Cut to a shot of Bruce Willis in the audience crying his eyes out, while Erin Andrews shakes her head and intones, “Die hard, baby, die hard.” 40/40

Round Two: Freestyle

Noah and Sharna: Noah cracks a little under pressure, and admits that he wishes he had the dance skills of Riker and Rumer, but his body holds him back. He thinks he brings something else to the table though, and thinks Sharna really tapped into his story in the dance. He proves that correct in a heartbreaking freestyle routine set to a mashup between David Guetta’s and Sia’s “Titanium” and Coldplay’s “Fix You” for the extra punch in the gut. Len, who has never been Noah’s biggest booster, admits “that was amazing.” Erin had to shoo Red Foo from the set before the judges could weigh in on the routine. Julianne Hough thought the dance was beautiful and “a celebration,” Carrie Ann Inaba called it art, and Bruno thought the choreographer was perfect. 40/40

Riker and Allison: For their freestyle, Allison choreographed a Jazz Age number set to a swinging funky version of Frank Sinatra’s “I Won’t Dance.” Riker looked dapper in white tails, and while he lost his timing a bit doing a flip, the judges didn’t care. Time was running out on the live show, so the judges rushed through their critiques, but Bruno summed it up when he called Riker “Fred Astaire reborn.” 40/40

Rumer and Val: There were only six minutes left in the show when Rumer and Val took to the ballroom floor, but while Tom and Erin may have been sweating, Rumer and Val looked completely cool. Their freestyle was based on their shared trauma of being compared to people: for Val, it’s always following after his brother Maks, while Rumer grew up in her parents’ shadows. They chose to set their freestyle to a slinky, slowed-down cover of Britney Spears’s “Toxic,” probably because their therapists told them to. In a judging blur, with only a minute left in the show, Carrie Ann called her “a dancer’s dancer.” 40/40

Best Reason to Come Back Tomorrow: Someone is taking off their Spanx and taking home a Mirror Ball Trophy.

TIME Television

John Oliver Has Beef With the Treatment of Chicken Farmers

Many poultry farmers live below the poverty line

On Last Week Tonight, John Oliver spoke about America’s favorite food — chicken. He didn’t focus his diatribe on the treatment of chickens (although video clips of Paul McCartney and Pamela Anderson assured viewers poultry is treated abysmally), but rather on the treatment of America’s chicken farmers.

According to Oliver, to sate the American appetite for chicken, the big four poultry companies use a system of contract farmers to raise their product — which currently requires 169 million chicks a week, which is as Oliver put it, “Warren Beatty numbers.”

Despite those impressive stats, according to Oliver, a surprisingly large percentage of those contract chicken farmers live at or below the poverty line. But when asked to comment about their impoverished contract farmers, a spokesman for the National Chicken Council asked, “Which poverty line are you referring to?”

As Oliver pointed out that, it doesn’t matter, because “the poverty line is like the age of consent, if you find yourself parsing exactly where it is, it you’ve probably already done something very, very wrong.”

Oliver then asked members of Congress to enact meaningful legislation to protect chicken farmers — and a call to arms to change their Wikipedia pages if they didn’t.

TIME Television

Amy Schumer Knows Who the Bachelorette Is and Will Totally Tell You

Will you accept this rose?

Amy Schumer stopped by Jimmy Kimmel Live! Thursday night pretty much just to gloat about the fact that she knows the identity of the next The Bachelorette.

As you may recall, The Bachelorette threw a wrench in its well-tested, very greasy works and decided that this season, which premieres on Monday, will feature not one, but two bachelorettes. Britt and Kaitlyn, who vied for the heart of Chris Soules on last season of The Bachelor, will have to face off in some sort of rose petal strewn Thunderdome while a selection of well-coiffed men choose which of the two will move forward on a journey to find love. Until the two-part season opener, though, no one knows which of the women will be the actual Bachelorette—except Amy Schumer.

While talking to noted Bachelor enthusiast Kimmel, the Trainwreck star revealed that not only did she get to go on a date with all the men (testing them out for the bachelorettes, of course), but she also absolutely knows whether Kaitlyn or Britt is the winner. Before you get too jealous of Schumer’s insider knowledge, turns out she will happily tell anyone who the winner is, NDA be damned. Don’t worry you can still be jealous of her wine glass.

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