TIME Television

The Bachelor Watch: Tractor of Love

CHRIS SOULES
Rick Rowell—ABC

Tractors, zombies and bikinis, oh my!

The new season of The Bachelor sallies forth despite the fact that love is a lie. Bachelor farmer Chris Soules is on his journey to find a farm frau, and he will kiss every milk maid, plow every field and leave a string of farmer analogies in his wake to do it. One editorial note: because the only two men on the show are both named Chris, it’s necessary to take a page out of the Bachelor playbook (which is also a preschool playbook) and use initials to differentiate between the multiplicity of Chrises.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelor:

Best Recycling: When we last saw The Bachelor, one of the contestants was so eco-friendly she wanted to recycle herself. Kimberly, the yoga instructor, has done too many up-dogs to leave without even talking to the man of her dreams. She can’t understand why things didn’t work out the way she had them mapped out on her vision board, so she goes to beg for a second chance. As she cries, Chris crumbles and goes to ask his eternal wingman for advice. Chris Harrison, noted anarchist, blithely tells him, “There are no rules!” So Chris S. shrugs and starts recycling contestants. The women are not thrilled. Ashley I., the freelance journalist, makes a lot of air quotes, while Kaitlyn fires off a few bon mots, and Jordan appears on screen long enough for people to read her name.

First-Date Card: As Chris Soules once again uses his outdoor shower (does he not know that they have indoor plumbing in Los Angeles?), Chris Harrison goes to alert the women that a lonely young farmer is shacked up just over yonder and gently points out that if they want to lend him some sugar, he is their neighbor. Then he hands them a group-date card, which includes Kimberly the repeat offender.

Worst Look: Chris Soules appears on camera in a hoody unzipped just enough to reveal he is wearing nothing underneath it but bronzer and a smile. Oh, honey: no, that’s not an outfit. That’s what you throw on when the UPS man shows up with the iPhone holder socks you ordered from Amazon Prime while you’re in the (indoor) shower.

Meanwhile: Back at the old homestead, one of the blondes whose name is still TBD (Megan, maybe?) and Jillian, a news producer, took Chris H. up on his dare and broke into Chris S.’s house while he was out, because nothing says love like light breaking and entering. The most notable moment of the break-in is that Jillian wore a bikini bottom that was so small, the network standards and practices required a black bar follow her around on the front and the back. The other girl did her best Juggernaut impersonation, strapping on Chris’ motorcycle helmet and ramming her head into the wall, a refrigerator and another wall.

Best Reason to Back Up Traffic in LA: Chris S. invites the lovely ladies to a pool party. However, that turns out to be a feeble excuse to get the women in bikinis, because five minutes after they arrive at the pool, he ushers them out the door, parades them through the streets of L.A. in their bikinis (which should make for a dazzling thinkpiece for one of the great feminist minds of our age), and reveals the real activity — a tractor race. In bikinis. Can’t wait for the calendar to hang in the garage! Ashley I. the freelance reporter won the race, because Jersey girls don’t mess around when it comes to driving, and all the girls give her the stink eye because that means quality time with Prince Farming. But when Chris S. returns he asks MacKenzie out on a one-on-one date. Luckily, the producers let her go put on clothes first.

First One-on-One Date: Newly clothed MacKenzie is taken to a bar and immediately announces that she likes his big nose, asks him if he believes in aliens, admits she hasn’t been on a date in a year and admits that she has a son named Kale. Swipe left! Swipe left! Wait, Chris is super into produce. He hands her a rose. Then she kisses and tells, which none of the women appreciate.

Second Date: Megan, a buxom blonde make-up artist from Nashville got the second date card, but she did not quite understand that a date card was actually an invitation to a date and some of the other women had to explain it to her. (There is a strong likelihood that Megan was the woman ramming her head into a wall at Chris’ house.) Chris whisked her from a town car to a private jet, where they sipped champagne. Just your typical day for an Iowa farmer! But that’s not all he had in store for her.

Bachelor Milestone: First helicopter ride! The blushing Bachelor sweeps his date into a helicopter for a ride over the Grand Canyon. After a tour of the landmark, they have a picnic on the banks of the river, and Megan tells Chris her tragic backstory i.e., she applied for The Bachelor and then her father died, but she followed her heart and is now here.

Bachelor Milestone: Megan made a two-fer by saying all the magic words, including assuring Chris that she is “not here for the wrong reasons” and adding that “being on this journey” is amazing. Chris (and the producers) declare her “perfect,” and he hands her the rose. They make out. For a woman who didn’t know what a date card was, Megan is just a wealth of Bachelor-isms, as she declares that she is “head over heels” for Chris.

Second Group Date: Best. Group. Date. Ever. The date card promises death, which some of the women claim is like, so not funny, but totally is. Then producers pile a bunch of women into a limo, send them to a dark corner of The Walking Dead lot, and surround the car with zombies. The women scream in terror, but most women would agree this isn’t nearly as terrifying as walking the streets of L.A. in a bikini. Chris finally swoops in to save them all, sadly not wearing a white-knight costume. Turns out his idea of a dream date is zombie paint ball. The women divide into teams and start taking out walkers. Ashley S., the Brooklyn hairstylist with the love of onions, either does not get the game at all or is doing some serious Andy Kaufman level of humor that will make a great final project for her Tisch performance-art degree. Obviously Chris’ team won.

Post-Date: As the women gossip around a fire pit, Ashley stares into a candle until she sees angels. Kaitlyn suggests that if Chris handed Ashley a rose, she would eat it, and she’s probably right. The rest of the time is spent watching Ashley wig everyone out, as she stares without blinking, crawls around on the ground, answers even the most innocuous questions aggressively, and everyone just sits and stares at her until they get alone time with Chris. Chris gives Britt a coupon for a free kiss, but gives the date rose to Kaitlyn.

The Cocktail Party: Whitney, the fertility nurse who asked Chris about hog insemination during their first encounter, makes a big move by hijacking Chris and wooing him with her baby voice and a bottle of bourbon. Then Ashley I., the tractor-riding freelance journalist, has a surprise: she’s a virgin. As a mom, MacKenzie is super jealous that she can’t use that line, but Ashley is not sure that she wants to tell him, even though, MacKenzie swears men “love” to take women’s virginity, a comment that does not merit commentary other than: ew. Instead she invites him to rub her bellybutton ring and make a wish. He wishes to make out with her, so they do while all the women judge her technique (lots of lip). Then Chris makes out with several more women until drunk Jordan kills the vibe for all.

The Rose Ceremony: Britt gets the first rose, followed by Ashley I., then it’s a blonde named Trina, Kelsey, and a brunette named Samantha. Then Chris S. calls Juelia, but Jillian barges forward, realizes her mistake, backtracks, trips, and then bursts into an insane laugh that echoes through the hallways. Then there’s a parade of Ambers, Tracys, Jades, a Carly, a Becky and a Becca, and finally Jillian, for real. Whitney gets a rose and then Chris S. hands the final rose to Ashley S., because he likes the free entertainment? He wants to help her find counseling? The producers made him? Who knows. Sorry, Kimberly, it turns out you can’t recycle yourself.

Best Reason to Tune in Next Week: Jimmy Kimmel makes an unlikely appearance.

TIME Books

Gillian Flynn Is Open to Doing a Gone Girl Sequel

Gillian Flynn
Gillian Flynn Lloyd Bishop—NBC/Getty Images

Amazing Amy 2.0 could be in the works

Gone Girl author Gillian Flynn may not have won for Best Screenplay at the Golden Globes — but she may get a second chance at that prize down the line. The author of the 2012 best seller, told the New York Daily News that she is open to paying a return visit to the embattled, embittered Dunne family for a sequel to the blockbuster crime thriller.

Flynn, speaking at a BAFTA event, told the News: “There could be a sequel at some point if everyone is game to get the gang back together, it could be really fun a few years from now.”

“We could pick it up and see what those crazy Dunnes are up to a few years down the road and if they got on — not well I don’t think,” said Flynn (in what can only be considered an understatement). Perhaps Amy and Nick Dunne’s child will be plotting the psychological torture of a playmate who stole a favorite toy? Perhaps the Dunnes have a dark plan to get their kid into an elite kindergarten? Whatever nefarious scheme they’re are up to, fans the world over will be eager to read it.

While Flynn hasn’t written the book or the sequel’s screenplay yet, she’s already started casting the new film: “I would have to have the exact same people to do it — I would want Rosamund, Ben and Fincher to do it.” If the sequel happens and is as exciting as the original, be sure to keep an eye out at the 2019 Golden Globes.

TIME celebrity

Watch Chris Evans Help Betty White Up the Stairs in Cutest Moment at the People’s Choice Awards

chris evans betty white peoples choice awards
Actress Betty White accepts the award for Favorite TV Icon during The 41st Annual People's Choice Awards at Nokia Theatre LA Live on January 7, 2015, in Los Angeles, California. Christopher Polk—Getty Images

Thank you for being a friend, Chris Evans

Betty White received a helping hand from Captain America (Chris Evans) Wednesday night, and it was the most adorable moment from the entire People’s Choice Awards. (Chloe Grace Moretz besting Meryl Streep for Favorite Movie Actress was a close second.)

White won the award for Favorite TV Icon, and when the 93-year old actress was called up on stage, Chris Evans’s training as the ever-gallant Captain America kicked in, and he immediately jumped up to offer the stunned Golden Girls star a hand and escorted her up to the stage.

While Evans may want to quit acting after his six-movie deal with Marvel, hopefully he will never stop playing the hero.

Watch White’s entire acceptance speech here:

TIME Television

Watch Jimmy Fallon Challenge Liam Neeson to an Arm-Wrestling Match

The Tonight Show host gets taken

Liam Neeson may have started out in Hollywood in sensitive art films like Ethan Frome and Husbands and Wives, but as the star of the Taken franchise, he is a bona fide action hero ready to take all comers at the drop of a hat or one cross word. So when Jimmy Fallon dares to insinuate that he could topple him in an arm-wrestling contest, Neeson has no choice but to pop a toothpick in his mouth and take him down.

While Neeson has a special set of skills that he can draw upon to take down his enemies and Fallon is, well, an affable talk show host, they do have one thing in common: In the throes of battle, they both like to recite what they will do when they win. For example, Fallon can’t wait to take Neeson down so he can get the Papa John’s slogan tattooed on his back, while Neeson wants to find 100 Jimmy Fallon lookalikes and throw Fallon the creepiest surprise party ever.

Those weren’t threats, though, they were promises and they were just the beginning. Watch the full challenge below:

TIME celebrities

The People’s Choice Awards: You Did This to Yourselves

Actress Betty White accepts the favorite TV Icon award during the 2015 People's Choice Awards in Los Angeles
Actress Betty White accepts the favorite TV icon award during the 2015 People's Choice Awards in Los Angeles on Jan. 7, 2015 Mario Anzuoni—Reuters

The people have spoken

It’s the People’s Choice Awards! The actual popularity contest has as its claim to fame the fact that it’s the only awards show with prizes selected by We the People, its status as the first awards show of the season, and a *ahem* desirable Wednesday night from 9 to 11 p.m. time slot.

The People’s Choice Awards tend to favor people who don’t usually win critical praise, but are wildly popular, like the TGI Fridays or Uggs of film and television. For example, Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler are both nominated for their roles in Blended, a film pretty much universally panned by critics. Prize-winning qualifications seem to include being young, attractive and available to sit in the theater on a Wednesday night.

Tonight’s show is hosted by Anna Faris and Allison Janney, who know that they are not the first choice for awards-show hosts, but they gamely point out that Oscar host Neil Patrick Harris was unavailable and Ellen DeGeneres was “busy” — cue the camera panning to DeGeneres and her wife Portia de Rossi sitting in the front row. After recovering from that awkward moment, the duo spent the rest of the evening re-enacting scenes from Mom, the sitcom that they were contractually obligated to repeatedly plug throughout the evening to diminishing returns.

Before the many, many awards start getting handed out at a rapid clip, Faris reminds us that these awards are truly a popularity contest. Actual people actually chose the categories and the winners. For deigning to do our civic duty and vote, we get to sit through two-plus hours of CBS promotions, Walgreen’s plugs and the occasional bright spot like Chris Pratt showing up (sort of) to support his wife, Rainn Wilson being Rainn Wilson and Amy Adams giving Ben Affleck his prize as the people’s favorite humanitarian. Plus, there were performances by Lady Antebellum, Iggy Azalea and Fall Out Boy to help while away the hours.

Favorite Comedic Movie Actress: Melissa McCarthy took the prize for her fine work in Tammy, beating out Drew Barrymore for Blended, Charlize Theron for A Million Ways to Die in the West, newlywed Cameron Diaz and even Tina Fey.

Favorite Comedic Movie Actor: Adam Sandler, because despite what some of the staff of Sony might think (according to their leaked emails), America apparently still loves them some Sandler. While Blended topped TIME’s list of the worst movies of 2014, Sandler bested 22 Jump Street’s Channing Tatum, Neighbors’ Seth Rogen and Zac Efron, and Jonah Hill, who was seemingly nominated for his general existence.

Favorite Hip-Hop Artist: To introduce this category, the producers chose Parenthood stars Monica Potter and Dax Shephard, who are admittedly “over 40, super duper white and suburban.” Luckily, the winner perfectly fit that demographic (plus, she was already in the house): Iggy Azalea. Sorry, Jay Z, apparently the people are no longer in an Empire State of Mind.

Favorite Male Country Artist: Lady Antebellum performed and stuck around to name Hunter Hayes as the reigning king of country, even though he’s really more the dauphin of country, if anything. The young’s beat out Luke Bryan, Brad Paisley, Blake Shelton and Tim McGraw.

Favorite TV Icon: Ellen DeGeneres, who has 15 Waterford Crystal awards for favorite daytime TV host lining her mantel (several mantles probably), showed up to present the award. We’re going to take a wild guess that Betty White is the winner, because she is sitting in the front row, and they probably don’t wheel the 93-year-old off the Hot in Cleveland set for nothing. And, sure enough she does. Congratulations! By the way, DeGeneres won for daytime TV host again, too. After 15 wins, none of the other nominees even bothered to show up.

Favorite Action Movie Actor: Captain America star Chris Evans won over Denzel Washington, Wolverine Hugh Jackman, Mark Wahlberg and Liam Neeson, who is on The Tonight Show tonight, so was already *cough* taken.

Favorite Cable TV Actor: The award went to Matt Bomer for his work in the final season of White Collar. He claimed victory over Sons of Anarchy star Charlie Hunnam, Sean Bean, Eric Dane and William H. Macy, because the people are just really into White Collar, apparently.

Favorite Comedic TV Actress: Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting, which you probably guessed, because she was already in the theater for a The Wedding Ringer plug at the beginning of the show. In the 59 seconds she was allotted for accepting her prize for The Big Bang Theory, she managed to thank Chuck Lorre, make a bid for staying on the show for the rest of her life, and plug The Wedding Ringer. Now that takes talent.

Favorite Country Band: Lady Antebellum is probably contractually obligated to win, as they already performed and there appears to be some sort of quid pro quo going on. To their credit, they do manage to make some very surprised faces when their name is called.

Favorite Humanitarian Award: To hand out the award to the A-List star, the producers brought out an A-List presenter, specifically, Amy Adams, who presented Ben Affleck with the prize for his humanitarian efforts in the Congo (which seemingly crashed the Eastern Congo Initiative website). Since Affleck was already there, the producers shoved the Favorite Thriller Movie Award for Gone Girl into his gift bag.

Favorite Dramatic Movie Actress: Entourage (minus Drama plus skinny Turtle) came to promote their forthcoming movie and hand an award to Chloë Grace Moretz for her work in If I Stay. Sorry Meryl Streep, the people have spoken and Moretz was the best actress last year.

Favorite TV Drama: It’s a two-fer! Grey’s Anatomy, which is definitely the best drama on television right now, took the prize, and since the cast was already on stage the producers gave star Ellen Pompeo the statue for favorite dramatic TV actress. This award show is nothing if not economical.

Favorite Actress in a New TV Series: Viola Davis takes home the well-deserved crystal wedge for her work in How to Get Away With Murder. This is the first award of the night that might actually be a precursor to wins at the Golden Globes, SAG and/or NAACP awards.

Favorite Movie Actor: Spoiler alert: the camera panned past Robert Downey Jr. a minute ago, so he’s going into this as the front runner. Surprise! He took not one, but two prizes, collecting favorite dramatic movie actor as well. It’s his fourth consecutive People’s Choice Award, and while he didn’t seem to prepare a speech, he did promise to eat up the fans because he loves them all so much.

Favorite TV Show: The Big Bang Theory collected their fourth consecutive prize and delivered a heartfelt speech about how much they love their fans and doing the show. They were also handed the trophy for favorite network TV comedy, because why not.

As the show wrapped up, Alison Janney returned to the stage to quickly shout out a few other winners, which will undoubtedly be listed on the website eventually. Several awards were given off-camera, because if all the awards (there are a lot of categories) were shown it would have ran so long it would have preempted Mom, and we couldn’t have that. Oddly, what one would think were some of the biggest awards, like favorite movie and favorite movie actress, were also left out of the live show, probably because they couldn’t get anyone to show up. Two off-camera prizes that they did announce were:

Favorite Cable Sci-Fi/Fantasy TV Show: Outlander (over The Walking Dead, Doctor Who, American Horror Story and Game of Thrones) with a quick cut to the stars hoisting their prize in the air from their seats.

Favorite Competition TV Show: The Voice, which is produced by Mark Burnett, who just so happens to be in the theater, because he is producing a little show called the People’s Choice Awards.

Congratulations to all the winners. Can’t wait to see who the people choose to run the country in 2016.

TIME viral

Watch What Happens When a Little Girl Challenges Gaston to an Arm-Wrestling Contest at Disney World

It's over the top!

Gaston is quickly becoming the biggest viral attraction at Walt Disney World’s Fantasyland in Florida.

Not only did the big-haired, big-talking character get his comeuppance from a sassy little girl who refused to stand idly by as he delivered his sexist drivel, but also he recently bested a foolhardy challenger at a push-up contest.

Now, YouTube user Peyton Kays has uploaded a video going viral that shows his brave 11-year-old sister challenging the heavily-muscled man to an arm-wrestling contest. Gaston thinks she doesn’t stand a chance, but within seconds, he is been defeated, and the young woman is grinning from ear-to-ear. She earned lifelong bragging rights, while Gaston, whining, retreats to Gaston’s Tavern in shame.

 

TIME Television

Watch Jimmy Fallon Realize He Once Had a Shot at Dating Nicole Kidman

He could've been a contender.

During a visit to the The Tonight Show Tuesday, Nicole Kidman and Jimmy Fallon quickly started chatting about their first interaction — but they have very different takes on that meeting.

Fallon recounted that a mutual friend brought Kidman to his apartment several years ago when they were both single, and he was very concerned with what type of cheese to serve the A-list star. Kidman’s version of the story was slightly different, though. Turns out she was actually interested in dating Fallon, but after an hour of him ignoring her and playing video games while she sat on the couch, she decided he just wasn’t interested.

Fallon’s reaction to the news makes it clear he had absolutely no clue she was interested in him. If you’ve ever wanted to see Fallon’s jaw drop to his knees, this is the clip for you. He gasps, “Wait, what?” and then falls over in horror in what is inadvertently one of the funniest clips of the year.

Read next: Watch Bradley Cooper Show Off His Epic Air Guitar Skills on The Tonight Show

Listen to the most important stories of the day.

TIME celebrity

Looks Like Beyoncé and Blue Ivy Got to Hang Out With a Tiger Cub

And animal rights advocates are not happy with the photo

Beyoncé, Jay Z & Blue #Thailand

A photo posted by Beyoncé (@beylite) on

In a viral photo that is bound to make anyone who just got back from holiday vacation jealous, it looks like Jay Z, Beyoncé, their toddler daughter Blue Ivy, spent quality time with a tiger cub at the Phuket FantaSea theme park in Thailand.

The above image, which recently appeared on an Instagram account for Beyoncé fans “@Beylite“, may seem like a cute family bonding moment, but it has already stirred controversy.

The London Evening Standard reports Jan Schmidt-Burbach, a wildlife expert for animal welfare charity World Animal Protection, argues, “A tiger is not a plaything,” so animals’ “health and well-being should not be sacrificed for a photo opportunity.”

TIME Games

You Can Now Play Oregon Trail Online for Free

And many, many other MS-DOs games

Hitch up your oxen, find some water barrels and get ready for some westward expansion because Oregon Trail is now available to play online — for free.

The Internet Archive, which is best known for running the world wide web’s time capsule, The Wayback Machine, has put the game that traumatized countless children of the ’80s and ’90s online. That means future generations can feel the oppressive horror of attempting to fight their way across the Oregon Trail on a steady diet of squirrel meat with only an axe, some rope and frequent bouts of dysentery, pausing in their manifest destiny only long enough to etch grandma’s epitaph on a makeshift tombstone on the side of the trail. Fun, right?

MORE Sony Is Bringing Back the Walkman With One Huge Surprise

Of course, Oregon Trail isn’t the only game available. There’s also Duke Nukem, Street Fighter, Burger Blaster, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, The Lion King and Chuck Yeager’s Advanced Flight Trainer and more than 2,393 other MS-DOS based game titles ready to play in an immersive and engaging lesson in interactive internet preservation.

The online arcade is a “software crate-digger’s dream: Tens of thousands of playable software titles from multiple computer platforms, allowing instant access to decades of computer history in your browser,” the archive wrote. And they definitely want people to play the games, but be prepared to offer feedback. According to a post announcing the new resource, the site’s software curator Jason Scott wants people to reach out and report bugs as they play. “Some of [the games] will still fall over and die, and many of them might be weird to play in a browser window, and of course you can’t really save things off for later, and that will limit things too. But on the whole, you will experience some analogue of the MS-DOS program, in your browser, instantly,” Scott wrote.

So start playing, but prepare for dysentery.

[Via The Washington Post]

Read next: These Are the Most Ingenious Gadgets From CES 2015

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TIME celebrity

Watch Bradley Cooper Show Off His Epic Air Guitar Skills on The Tonight Show

Wearing a wacky wig, he performs Neil Young's solo from "Down by the River" on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The word “epic” gets bandied about a lot on the Internet, whether it’s describing a prank or a touchdown pass in a football game, or a battle between good and evil, but when you watch this video with Bradley Cooper playing air guitar on the The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, future generations will know what epic truly looks like.

The producer-film actor-Broadway star swung by The Tonight Show, and instead of promoting his Oscar-contender film, American Sniper, Cooper used the show to promote his incredible air guitar skills. His take on Neil Young’s shredder classic, “Down by the River,” is downright impressive. As Fallon and Tonight Show house band The Roots watch from the sidelines, Cooper takes over the spotlight, rising from his seat as the spirit moves him. His fingers fly over the invisible fretboard, his arms wail on the imaginary guitar and his very real wig bounces in time. It is completely silly and, yes, truly epic.

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