TIME awards

Watch the Best Jokes and Zingers From Tina and Amy’s Third Golden Globes Monologue

The gags that cracked up Hollywood's A-listers—and scorched Bill Cosby

In their third—and possibly last, at least for now—stint hosting the Golden Globes, hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler cracked up the A-list crowd at the Beverly Hilton by razzing Bill Cosby and George Clooney—and trying to figure out who they most wanted to sleep with. The winners of that last category included Birdman director Alejandro Inarritu for Poehler — “One take, two hours straight, no stopping” — but Fey went with Boyhood director Richard Linklater — “Five minutes once a year.”

The pair riffed so hard on Cosby that the crowd audibly gasped and Jessica Chastain could be seen covering her face with her hand. What started out as a joke about the trials of the princesses in Into the Woods suddenly brought the beleaguered comedian into the mix. “Cinderella runs from her prince, Rapunzel is thrown from a tower for her prince and Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.”

Then the two both broke into hammy Cosby impersonations, accenting their syllables as the famous TV dad once did in his Jell-o pudding commercials. “I put the pills in the people,” Fey said. “The people did not want the pills in them.” “I got the pills in the bathroom,” Poehler added, “and I put em in the people.”

George Clooney got much gentler treatment, when the hosts noted that he’d come with his new wife, Amal Alamuddin. “She’s a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, an advisor to Kofi Annan on Syria and was appointed to a three-person commission investigating rules-of-war violations in the Gaza Strip. So tonight her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”

The rest of the crowd received equally irreverent treatment, with the opening greeting from the pair: “Welcome, you bunch of despicably spoiled, minimally talented brats.” Frances McDormand was the lone exception. “You are the only person in this room that I would save in a fire,” Poehler said.

They then tagged The Interview and the ruckus surrounding Sony’s infamous hacking scandal. North Korea, they noted, forced us to pretend that we wanted to see The Interview and its official announcement disparaged the movie as “absolutely intolerable and a wanton act of terror. Even more amazing…not the worst review the movie got.”

In their third year of joking about Hollywood ageism, they pointed to Patricia Arquette, 46, who played her role in Boyhood over a 12-year period. “Boyhood proves that there are still roles for women over 40, as long as you’re hired while you’re still under 40.”

Other celebrity jests:

Steve Carell: razzed for taking three hours to put on the gigantic nose he wore in Foxcatcher. Fey said, “It took me three hours today to prepare for my role as human woman.”

Wes Anderson, the twee director of The Grand Budapest Hotel: “Wes arrived on a bicycle made of antique tuba parts.”

Meryl Streep: zinged for having likely won more awards than anybody else in the room. In Into the Woods, “Meryl plays a witch who sends the townspeople on a magical quest to get the items she needs to win another Golden Globe.”

Then they moved on to the nominated films.

The Theory of Everything. “It combines the two things audiences love—a crippling nerve disease and super- complicated math.”

Selma. “In the 1960s, thousands of black people from all over America came together with one common goal: to form Sly and the Family Stone. But the movie Selma is about the civil rights movement, which totally worked and now everything’s fine.”

Gone Girl. “I go to movies to escape,” Poehler said. “I don’t want to just see myself up on the screen.”

They finished their monologue by leading the crowd in a cheer meant to buoy the TV nominees, who are usually edged out of the spotlight by the film stars. “We say movies, you say ‘Awesome!'” After a few rounds of that, the chant changed to “We say TV, you say ‘Better!”

Given that the ceremony wouldn’t be seen by anybody if it weren’t being broadcast by NBC, we’re sure the TV people appreciated the pat on the back.

TIME Television

Replace Dave? The Blogosphere Already Has Ideas

It didn’t take long for speculation about David Letterman’s retirement to run rampant on Twitter and other social media. Among those touted as his replacement: Amy Poehler, Jay Leno, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart.

Here’s a roundup.

Reed Tucker of the New York Post:


Nikki Finke:



CNN followers pitched Tim Tebow, Stephen Colbert and Conan O’Brien:


Jim Antle at the Daily Caller:


Albert Brooks suggested somebody named Jimmy. Given that Fallon and Kimmel are locked up tight, that must mean…Smits!


Lena Dunham is looking for diversity. Her followers suggest Amy Poehler, Amy Sedaris and, of course, Lena herself:


Jezebel, of course, is all for the ladies, too. Among the blog’s candidates are Amy Schumer, Maya Rudolph, Ellen Degeneres, Retta and Wanda Sykes.


Patton Oswalt:


At Entertainment Weekly, your choices include Neil Patrick Harris, Craig Ferguson, Arsenio Hall and Chelsea Handler:


I don’t know who Shelby Fero is, but I like her moxie:


Erik Malinowski at Fox Sports:


North Carolina TV host Ramona Holloway:


Musician Brett Gleason:


And Andrew Kaczynski at BuzzFeed has the best idea yet:


Who do you think it should be?


Update: This post has been edited to correctly identify comedian Shelby Fero. Due to a reporting error, an earlier version used a masculine pronoun.

TIME Music

What a Kurt Cobain Fan Can See In the New Suicide-Scene Photos

Seattle PD

Those dirty towels are heartbreaking

Seattle police have just released two previously unseen pictures from their investigation into the suicide of Kurt Cobain. While homicide detectives say their review of the case file from his death nearly 20 years ago has revealed nothing new, I’ve already taken away a good deal — in addition to an all-too-familiar sense of grief, one that first flashed through me when I heard the news on April 8, 1994. (I was sitting at my desk in a converted 1920s garage in Long Beach, Calif., ghostwriting a science fiction novel and listening to NPR. It was two months before I’d start my first real job in journalism, at the Los Angeles Times. Yes, Kurt’s death was Gen X’s Kennedy assassination.)

The images are blunt, as most crime-scene photos are. The police aren’t interested in artistry or lighting. They just want to remember exactly how things looked. In that way, the pictures themselves are highly unsentimental, but they still have the power to provoke.

We’ve seen this collection of items before, just not in such detail. They were next to Kurt’s body in a news photo taken of investigators inside the greenhouse where Cobain’s body lay. Thankfully, we could not see his head in that image, since that’s where the shotgun blast hit. Instead we just saw his right arm — which the coroner would later note had puncture wounds from needles — his faded blue jeans and what appeared to be Converse low-tops on his right foot: the prototypical grunge uniform.

So here’s what we see in the new pictures.

1. Kurt’s last smoke was an American Spirit menthol. There’s a box of them on the floor, and a fresh butt on the ground, which appears to have been recently stubbed out.

2. Kurt still wore floppy hunting hats. But this isn’t the one from the oft-seen photo shoot in which he’s wearing white sunglasses and a leopard-print jacket. The ear flaps are shorter, and the shearling lining carries through to the brim.

3. Kurt wanted people to know it was him. He left his wallet near his body. Police were likely the ones who half-slid his ID out of its slot.

4. Kurt still didn’t mind effeminate color. He had a pink lighter.

5. Kurt didn’t always wear cool sunglasses. While he made those bug-eyed white sunglasses famous, he was wearing regular old black shades at the end.

Cobain Dope Kit
Seattle PD

6. Kurt was a junkie. A multi-millionaire could have at least used some fresh towels, but he didn’t care. He kept his rig in a Tom Moore cigar box. The contents include everything you expect from watching Drugstore Cowboy or Requiem for a Dream: blacked-up spoon, Q-tips, fresh syringes, another lighter, cotton balls black with spent smack and what appear to be rolling papers.

Cigarettes and heroin, those were Kurt’s final pleasures — not his guitar or Frances Bean. But that’s to be expected, I suppose. Look at Phil Hoffman: He was just down the street from his family, but escape was all he cared about at that point, whether he meant to end everything or not.

Seeing these pictures, I’m reminded that I haven’t really missed Kurt that much since 1994, despite the gasp of pain that just resurfaced. His death couldn’t erase his masterwork, 1991’s Nevermind, an album that was the soundtrack to a big chunk of my life — as well as a huge inspiration to the music and career I was pursuing before I got serious about making money. The albums that followed had moments of greatness, but they were never as sustained or intoxicating as they were on that collection.

Artistically, Nevermind was his ultimate hot shot. It was the high that he and his fans would chase for years but never feel again.

UPDATE (10:25 p.m.; 21 March): Now that I’ve had a few more hours to think and feel about these photographs, I’d like to amend what I wrote about not missing Kurt. I think I have missed him. In fact, I think I’m actually still mad at him for killing himself, which is why the grief still feels fresh. I understand how much his stomach hurt him and how much fame tormented him, and I know that I cannot fathom the psychic pain he likely suffered from bipolar disorder. Still, his music was so strong, so biting and so heroic that it made me angry that he gave up on the band, his family, his life.

I feel the same way about other musicians I adored who checked out early: Elliott Smith, Mark Linkous of Sparklehorse, Richie Lee of Acetone. I vaguely understand how hideously they must have been feeling, but I wish they had held on for one purely selfish reason—I wanted them to make more incredible music—and another unselfish one—I wanted them to come out the other side of depression (and/or addiction) and find something that made them happy. When Kurt died, I didn’t know anybody who had killed themselves. Now I know two people—my best friend from elementary school and a woman I once loved beyond all reason—and I have no doubt they had more good things waiting for them if they had only managed to make it through that darkest turn in the road.

What I don’t miss is late-period Nirvana, and the semi-OK things that have dribbled out of the archives since Kurt’s demise. But I do miss the potential he surrendered. I never would have wanted another Nevermind, but the world always gets brighter when an artist survives long enough to make an amazing late-career album like Lou Reed’s Magic and Loss, Bob Dylan’s Modern Times, Robert Wyatt’s Shleep or even Warren Zevon’s last blast on earth, The Wind.

Kurt’s guitar tone. Kurt’s rasp of a voice. Kurt’s vision. Kurt’s sensitivity. Kurt’s words. Kurt’s cardigan sweater. Kurt’s genius. They’re all belied by those pictures, which are grimy and miserable and sad. They are documents I’d rather forget, of a tragedy that I never will.

TIME Television

True Detective Finale: The Best Tweets

True Detective Screen shot

Fans of the hit show True Detective flocked to Twitter on Sunday evening to complain about problems with HBO GO, HBO's online content delivery network, which it blamed on incredibly high demand for the season finale

Everybody was watching the instant HBO classic last night. And its navel-gazing, cosmos contemplating finale was exactly what every fan could have hoped for. Not surprisingly, Twitter exploded with observations about Rust Cohle, the Yellow King and the meaning of life. Not to mention the debut of three new TD memes: “Making Flowers,” “The Light’s Winning” and “L’chaim, fatass.”

Got more? Post them in the comments.

TIME Oscars

Explaining Matthew McConaughey’s Confounding Acceptance Speech

Matthew McConaughey accepts the Oscar for best actor for his role in "Dallas Buyers Club" at the 86th Academy Awards in Hollywood
Lucy Nicholson—Reuters

We parse it all for you — "Amen and Alright Alright Alright"

What exactly did he mean by all that?

After winning for his role as Ron Woodroof in Dallas Buyer’s Club, Matthew McConaughey launched into a semi-bizarre tale about his inner life. Here is what we learned:

1. He needs someone to look up to, something to look forward to and someone to chase.

2. He wants to thank God, who he looks up to. God is all about gratitude.

3. He wants to thank his family, who he looks forward to. His deceased father, he believes, is celebrating with a big pot of gumbo and a can of Miller Lite. His mother, still with us, taught him how to respect himself.

4. The person he chases is himself, 10 years into the future. He knows he will never catch up, but he wants to find out who that guy will turn out to be.

5. To all of that, he says “Amen,” “Alright, Alright, Alright” and “Keep on Livin’.”

(PHOTOS: TIME’s Portraits of the Winning Actors from the 2014 Oscars)

TIME Oscars

Oscars 2014: Watch Jared Leto’s Amazing Acceptance Speech for Supporting Actor

Jared Leto took the night's first award and made it a doozy

Jared Leto took the night’s first award and made it a doozy. Here’s what he had to say, touching on everything from his dear old mom to current events:

“Incredible. Ellen, I love you. To my fellow nominees, I’m so proud to share this journey with you. I’m in awe and have so much respect for you all. To the Academy, thank you.

(PHOTOS: TIME’s Portraits of the Winning Actors from the 2014 Oscars)

In 1971, in Bossier City Louisiana, there was a teenage girl who was pregnant with her second child. She was a high school dropout and a single mom, but somehow she managed to make a better life for herself and her children. She encouraged here kids to be creative and work hard and do something special. That girl was my mother and she’s here tonight. I just want to say ‘I love you mom, thank you for teaching me to dream.’

To my brother Shannon, the best big brother in the world: Thank you so much for sharing this insane adventure that is 30 Seconds to Mars and for being my best friend.

(PHOTOS: Your Favorite Celebs on the Red Carpet)

To all the dreamers out there around the world watching this tonight in places like Ukraine and Venezuela, I want to to say we are here, and as you struggle to make your dreams happen and live the impossible, we are thinking of you tonight.

[Then he did the typical Oscar thank you….before moving one to a more heartfelt subject:]

This is for the 36 million people who have lost the battle to AIDS. And to those of you who have ever felt injustice because of who you are and who you love, I stand here in front of the world with you and for you.

Thank you so much, and good night.”

TIME Oscars

Oscars 2014: Watch The Best Jokes From Ellen’s Monologue

86th Annual Academy Awards - Show
Kevin Winter—Getty Images

Host Ellen DeGeneres kicked off the Oscar ceremony with a straight-up stand-up monologue

Host Ellen DeGeneres kicked off the Oscar ceremony with a straight-up stand-up monologue. She wasn’t quite in the same league as Tina and Amy at The Globes, but she landed a few solid jokes. Here are the ones that grabbed the Academy audience.

On the Weather: “For those of you watching around the world, it’s been a tough couple of days for us. It has been raining. We’re fine. Thank you for your prayers.”

On the Elderly: “June Squibb is nominated for Nebraska. At 84 she is the oldest nominee. She was wonderful in Nebraska. (Addressing Squibb) I’M TELLING EVERYONE YOU WERE WONDERFUL IN NEBRASKA.”

(PHOTOS: Your Favorite Celebs on the Red Carpet)

On Actors from Foreign Countries: “Lupita Nyong’o is here. She is from Kenya. She is a Kenyan. Barkhad Abdi from Captain Phillips is here. He is nominated He is from Somalia. He is a sommelier. So he knows a lot about wine. Who’s the wine captain now?!?!?”

On Hollywood Narcissism: “I’m not saying movies are the most important thing in the world, because we all know the most important thing in the world is youth. But really, we know that the most important thing in life is love and friendship and family. And if people don’t have those things, they usually get into show business. We are all one big, frightened family.”

On Top Nominees: “One of the nominees is her. And by ‘her’ I mean Meryl Streep.”

(PHOTOS: TIME’s Portraits of the Winning Actors from the 2014 Oscars)

To Jennifer Lawrence, who tripped last year and stumbled on a parking cone on the way to this year’s show: “If you win tonight, I think we should bring you the Oscar.”

On Oscar Vanity: “I’m not going to say who looks the most beautiful, but it’s clear: It’s Jared Leto.”

On Dallas Buyer’s Club: “It deals with the important issue of people who have sex at rodeos.”

TIME Music

Bruno Mars Injects Soul into the Super Bowl Halftime Show

Bruno Mars
Theo Wargo / FilmMagic / Getty Images

Correction appended Feb. 2, 2014; 9:40 p.m.

Concert of the Year? That’s what the NFL claimed all week long as it hyped its halftime show with Bruno Mars. But could a relatively young artist without huge name recognition carry the day? Even one of the football commentators came out and said “There were a lot of doubters.” Once Mars was done, though, doubters should have been few.

Two stunts marked the opening of his halftime performance, one slightly less nauseating than the other. It began with a children’s choir and segued into a drum solo performed by Bruno himself. (His lookalike brother, Eric Hernandez — Mars was born Peter Gene Hernandez — took over soon after). But then it was time to break out the gold jackets and skinny ties and launch into “Locked Out of Heaven.” His jumbo band of brass, backup singers and bass put the song across nicely. Not only that, but when they broke into “Treasure,” the synchronized dance moves provided a moment straight out of the Platters, circa 1966.

Then, Bruno started to snarl. “Who you rockin’ with — you rockin’ with the best!” All of a sudden, the man was James Brown, singing “I don’t want to hurt you baby, I just want to work you baby. ” And he gave it his best JB shuffle before a segue into the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Give It Away Now.” Instantaneously, lamé jackets gave way to shirtless man flesh as Anthony Kiedis, Flea and the rest of RHCP took the stage.

The usual Peppers hijinks ensued, followed by a massive jump session. And them, oddly, the music went downtempo and sentimental as the video cut to a series of servicemen and women saying hello to their families from far-flung bases around the world. Nice work, Bruno and NFL. If you don’t get some tears from that, you’d pretty much have to flash Philip Seymour Hoffman’s face up on the screen. The song was the semi-maudlin ballad “Just the Way You Are,” which wouldn’t have seemed like the obvious set closer, but a huge shower of fireworks drove the statement home.

Bruno Mars started out the moment a relative unknown among the pop-unsavvy masses who watch the Super Bowl, but he certainly should have made an impression on anybody who says they don’t write songs the way they used to. Mars does just that — but manages to update them for today’s audience.

We’re not sure if it was truly, as the NFL boasted, the concert of the year. But it was a giant leap forward for the Super Bowl, tapping a vibrant young artist to take its biggest stage on the biggest football night of the year.

Correction: An earlier version of this post misidentified the drummer playing at the beginning of Bruno Mars’ set. It was Bruno himself, not his brother Eric Hernandez.

TIME Music

Who Is This Bruno Mars Dude, and How Did He Get to the Super Bowl?

Robyn Beck—AFP/Getty Images

The NFL taps a relatively unknown young talent in place of past superstars such as Bruce Springsteen, Madonna and the Rolling Stones

So here it is, Super Sunday. And you’re looking at the Super Bowl halftime show lineup and you figure you’re going to see a big name, like you do every year: Beyoncé, Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen, Madonna, Prince.

Not this year. You’re looking for the headliner and all you keep seeing are two words: Bruno. Mars. You figure it’s a mistake, or maybe a typo. Bruno must refer to Bruce Willis’ would-be-pop-icon alter-ego. And the typo on Mars is that it was supposed to be MARY, and they just left off the rest: J. BLIGE.

But no. The scrawny little dude with the gravity-defying haircut named Bruno Mars is, in fact, your halftime entertainment. And just because you’ve never heard of him (if you’re over 35) doesn’t mean you should be taking a bathroom break or flipping over to the Puppy Bowl, because this tiny little keg of dynamite can rock your world.

Here’s what you need to know:

This Is A Test: Every year the NFL trots out another big star for halftime. But people like Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen don’t generate the kind of online furor that, say, Beyoncé and Destiny’s Child did last year. Bruno Mars is h.o.t.t. with the youngs.

OK, But I Still Don’t Know Who He Is: Bruno Mars was born Peter Gene Hernandez in Hawaii. He’s 28, of Filipino, Puerto Rican and East European Jewish (by way of Brooklyn) descent. He’s 5-foot-5, three inches taller than Prince. He grew up in a musical family, loving everything from reggae to rockabilly. In 2009, he co-wrote and sang on two Top 5 Billboard hits by hip-hop crooner b.ob. and rock-rap star Travie McCoy (of the band Gym Class Heroes). But the one that really scored was rapper Flo Rida’s “Right Round,” which featured vocals from trashy-party-girl-pop-tart Ke$ha. Mars co-wrote that worldwide smash, which set him up to sit in a room with the ultra-funky Cee Lo Green. When they were done, the two had come up with a little ditty called “F–k You” that took the universe by storm.

Well, What Does He Sing Himself? When he’s writing his own tunes, Mars relies on a canny mix of old-school soul, modern-day hip hop and Elvis-era rock theatrics. His first solo hits were “Just the Way You Are” and “Grenade.” They were followed by the even bigger hits “Locked Out of Heaven” and “When I Was Your Man.” All four of them topped the Billboard Hot 100 singles charts. And if you click through those links to YouTube, you’ll see that together they’ve racked up more than 1 billion views. One. Billion. Views. (More Than.)

Who’s He Gonna Perform With? A band you’ve actually heard of! The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Will There Be Controversy? After Janet Jackson’s decade-old wardrobe malfunction and MIA’s gratuitous middle finger during Madonna’s set, the NFL has found its dream date in Bruno Mars. He’s as squeaky clean as it gets, despite the fact that he co-wrote “F–k You” and was arrested for cocaine possession a few years ago. (He got off light, with a fine and some community service.) The biggest risk of upset will be if one of the Chili Peppers’ socks falls off.

Anything Else I Should Know? He’s already been nominated for 18 Grammys and won two: Best Male Pop Vocal Performance for “Just the Way You Are” in 2011, and Best Pop Vocal Album for Unorthodox Jukebox in 2014. In the studio, his two biggest collaborators are Ari Levine and Philip Lawrence; together they are known as The Smeezingtons and have produced or written songs for Justin Bieber, Alicia Keys, Lil Wayne and Snoop Dogg, among others.

You are now fully up to speed. Enjoy the halftime show. And the folks here at TIME are no Hawks haters, but how can you not be rooting for Peyton Manning?

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