--- title: I Have a Boyfriend Excuse Is the Best Way For Women to Turn Men Down description: An argument for efficiency by a feminist canonical: https://time.com/87777/i-have-a-boyfriend-bar-dating-excuse/ author: Eliana Dockterman article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2014-05-05T16:58:23.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-04-13T08:55:13.886Z og:title: I Have a Boyfriend Excuse Is the Best Way For Women to Turn Men Down og:description: An argument for efficiency by a feminist og:url: https://time.com/87777/i-have-a-boyfriend-bar-dating-excuse/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltea00210d40a38949/69868dde3bc999ad3d1a34c5/184351409.jpg?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 1200 og:image:height: 675 og:image:alt: 184351409 og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: I Have a Boyfriend Excuse Is the Best Way For Women to Turn Men Down twitter:description: An argument for efficiency by a feminist twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltea00210d40a38949/69868dde3bc999ad3d1a34c5/184351409.jpg?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # Why 'I Have a Boyfriend' Is Still the Best Way to Turn a Guy Down  by [Eliana Dockterman](https://time.com/author/eliana-dockterman/)  ## Eliana Dockterman Correspondent May 5, 2014 4:58 PM UTC  Sad client Sad clientGetty Images  by [Eliana Dockterman](https://time.com/author/eliana-dockterman/)  ## Eliana Dockterman Correspondent May 5, 2014 4:58 PM UTC You’re out with your friends at a bar, and a guy comes over and starts talking to you. You exchange pleasantries and start chatting. But it soon becomes clear that you’re just not that into him. What’s the best way to turn him down without being a total jerk? A 2013 [XOJane column](http://www.xojane.com/relationships/stop-saying-i-have-a-boyfriend) that went viral over the weekend by Alecia Lynn Eberhardt makes the argument that the age-old excuse of “I have a boyfriend” (whether it’s true or not) undermines a woman’s autonomy by suggesting she’s unavailable because she’s “taken” by a man. Eberhardt pulls a [popular quote](http://feministquotes.tumblr.com/post/42207147651/male-privilege-is-i-have-a-boyfriend-being-the) from Tumblr to explain why this excuse deprives a woman of all agency: --- > “” --- While in theory I agree with this sentiment, I’m going to still argue for the efficacy of the “I have a boyfriend” excuse. When I am out with my friends at a bar trying to enjoy myself, the last thing I want to do is take precious time away from my friends to explain to a stranger why I have no interest in him. Eberhardt’s sketch of how this debate might play out sounds exhausting: --- > “” --- I don’t have the patience to get into debates with every man who hits on me. I’ve used the “I’m not interested” excuse before only to be regaled for 10 minutes with stories as to why I _should_ be interested. I’ve seen men sit down at a table with a friend, put their arm around her even after she’s said, “I’m not interested.” I even had a man try this strategy while I was on a date with a boyfriend who was sitting across the table from me. If, on the other hand, you say, “I have a boyfriend,”— even if that’s a bald-faced lie — guys will flee pretty quickly. Some will say, “So?” But that debate can be ended pretty quickly with “I don’t cheat” or “he just got out of prison.” So yes, if you think you’re dealing with a rational person who will leave you alone after you utter “I’m not interested” or if you feel like spending your night engaged in spirited debate, do the empowered thing and don’t lie. But that’s often not the case, and while I consider myself a feminist, I’m also someone who cares about efficiency. It’s not my obligation to educate men in bars about society’s gender issues. I want to enjoy my evenings. So I’ll be sticking with “I have a boyfriend” and go home still believing in equal pay, leaning in and that a woman should win the presidency in 2016. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/87777/i-have-a-boyfriend-bar-dating-excuse/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/87777/i-have-a-boyfriend-bar-dating-excuse/"},"headline":"Why 'I Have a Boyfriend' Is Still the Best Way to Turn a Guy Down","datePublished":"2014-05-05T16:58:23.000Z","dateModified":"2026-04-13T08:55:13.886Z","description":"An argument for efficiency by a feminist","url":"https://time.com/87777/i-have-a-boyfriend-bar-dating-excuse/","keywords":["Living","feminism","Dating","relationships","bars"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltea00210d40a38949/69868dde3bc999ad3d1a34c5/184351409.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Eliana Dockterman","jobTitle":"Correspondent","url":"https://time.com/author/eliana-dockterman/"}],"articleSection":"","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltea00210d40a38949/69868dde3bc999ad3d1a34c5/184351409.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"184351409","caption":"184351409","creditText":"Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/tag/time-section-living/","name":"Living"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/87777/i-have-a-boyfriend-bar-dating-excuse/","name":"Why 'I Have a Boyfriend' Is Still the Best Way to Turn a Guy Down"}}]}] ```